Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

I told him that, no matter what, it's not going to fall squarely on him - in the sense of "if he did enough" to change my mind, it really depends on me and my healing, if I am able to feel in my mind, not just heart that I can ever have that sense of security with him, that I lost long ago. We both need to work on ourselves and accomplish small goals before we worry about bigger ones.

That I have come to terms with, I know that no matter what I end up doing (staying or going) these scars are coming with me. That is why it is important for me to keep talking to him, being open, honest and asking questions. Before I would bottle up and brush it all off. Now, I force myself to vent to him, talk, get answers to my questions and no longer have to wonder or assume. It gives me a sense of relief and closure as well, facing stuff head on.

Yes, I am afraid my triggers will never go away, they will haunt me forever and I'm not hopeful/positive that they will "let up" or get easier, ever. I hate having them, makes me feel like shit, sad and angry all in one, I wish I could snap them away. Which is another reason for my concern about staying in this marriage, that I will never feel secure with him, because wherever we go, I'll see a woman that I know he would have ogled, I'll get triggered and it will begin: I'll feel like I need to be in competition mode, I'll compare myself to her, I'll be thinking how much he prefers her to me, what he must be thinking etc., and I can't help those thoughts or stop them, it's the worst feeling in the world.

Thank you @mcgrim I really appreciate your words and feedback. Same with @TryingHard2Change and @TooMuchTooSoon.

 

I agree the gut is usually right. I think it's more about complacency, not enough recovery work, so early on. Maybe I'm just expecting too much, I don't know. It's not a gut feeling in regards to P or M, but more of slacking in the effort, slowing down.

Yep, it's because he works the graveyard shift, so he gets home in the AM, then we have our walk (just us two, gives us some time to talk alone) then he goes to sleep till the evening. Once he wakes up though, we do have family time. He plays with the girls, watches shows with them, arts & crafts etc, we go to the playground if weather permits, I just don't write about that too much because it's not really recovery related imo, but he does mention it in his journal from time to time. When he is off, we try to do family stuff too, so he does sleep a lot during the day but he has to and I get it. That doesn't make me feel any better about it though when my two monsters drive me nuts.

I agree it is way too soon for me to make a good judgment call, it took me 12 years to finally come to the conclusion that I deserve better. Then he throws this curveball at me by actually trying to change for once, but I don't know if this is a forever thing or a, for now, thing, it's too soon to really know either way.

Questions are always welcome, it's not rambling at all or intrusive.

Thanks, my day is all right, the little one is not napping for the 4th day in a row, so it's driving me insane lol otherwise its going okay. Hope you are doing well too.

 

Yes, it has been better the last few days, thank you!

I agree, dealing with more than one issue at a time is a lot lol

 

DAY 175:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• My husband has been honest with me in general...
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night we spoke for about 40 minutes on the phone because he had to work overtime. He really wanted to know what I felt was "off" after reading my journal post, but since I didn't really know myself - I couldn't tell him... but he wanted me to think about it and tell him when I figured it out, so we could talk about it later on. I told him I honestly didn't know, it was just a feeling. The more I thought about it, I think it was just a feeling of things are seeming like they are starting to slow down again, not sure why. We also talked some more about where I stand, how he feels etc.

This morning we walked and talked, even though it was raining lol I'm just happy we were able to do it. We discussed the timetable again and his fear that he doesn't know if he has enough time to show me that he is serious/changing and how he feels about me is for real... enough for me to believe his intentions are real and not just to pull wool over my eyes. His goal is to get me to a place, where I would at least consider giving him/us a final chance (lift the marker). However, he thinks, should I decide to end the relationship at the two-year mark, he will be left wondering, if he really did enough/everything he could have - if he had one more year, would it have made a difference. I keep telling him that, no matter what, I want him to know that won't be the case. Unless he decides to revert back to his old ways during this recovery, everything he is doing currently is right, all of the changes I am seeing are wonderful and making a difference. However, the 12 years I've lived through are weighing heavily on me - every day, they haunt me, now whether or not I am able to heal enough, in order move past the severity of my triggers, enough to have that feeling of security around him when we are out especially around "triggering" women, now that's what's going to play a big part in my final decision. Because without that security, I know for a fact that I can not be happy and if I can not be happy, then I can not remain in the relationship. That's one of the major goals I made for myself, that from now on I want to be happy, for once in my life, I need to start putting myself first and I've explained that to him. I need to feel loved, wanted, desired and prioritized, I want to be #1 as a woman in his life (or whomever I'm with) and that all comes inside the package of feeling secure with where I stand in my relationship. Yes, the last 5, almost 6 months have been amazing, revitalizing, like having a new boyfriend, finally, he has become the man I thought I was marrying all those years ago, a true connection has developed and so much more... but the rest of the pain is still there too, the sadness, fears, what ifs, second-guessing, questions, wondering, concerns because he is still... the very same person who put me through so much pain, betrayed me in so many ways... so I'm scared of changing my plan, it took me so long to gather the courage to put myself first and tell him - enough is enough. Granted, I never thought he would care and actually do something different, so this recovery threw me. However, lifting that marker, right now, I can't make that decision yet, it's too soon... I can't be sure of myself, let alone anyone else. I don't want to make any rash decisions and end up regretting them again. I get where he is coming from all of the good stuff we have going on right now, it really does feel good and amazing, now that we have it, no one wants to lose it - but I'm also afraid of signing back up for reruns of the same old show, when the new episodes stop running... because I don't know if he's being honest with himself let alone me when he says "it was the porn fog, now he see's what's been in front of him all along" if he truly desires me, wants me etc., or is it the passion, connection, and intimacy we have now that is making the attraction feel so deep that the lines have been blurred for him? it does make a difference to me and I need to know. I spent 12 years watching him, drool over every other woman, but me - 12 years comparing every little detail of what they have, that I obviously don't, because my husband was way more interested in them than he ever was in me. Always left with this empty feeling inside, constantly wondering what the hell happened, why he didn't want me anymore, was it because I had a baby? did I change so much? did he really settle for me, because it was easier and now he wants something else? what did I do wrong? why am I no longer making my husband happy? Why is he always avoiding/ignoring me and looking at other women? as the years flew by me... the more I was driving myself deeper and deeper into depression and developing horrible self-esteem/body image issues, until I was emotionally depleted as a person, as a woman, as a wife. I checked out. I disconnected from him, I saw him as a friend with benefits, just to satisfy my own sexual needs because I wouldn't step out on my marriage, it's not my style. So, when I say it's not so easy for me to believe that suddenly he woke up from a haze and find's me hot all of a sudden, I mean - I just can not believe it, not after all those years that I just described, it doesn't make sense, and "if it doesn't make sense, it's usually not true. - Judy Sheindlin". I know I am rambling but all of this is clouding my head and frustrating to make sense of, it actually makes my head hurt.

We also talked about some videos he watched through the night when he worked out. I really like how he talks about them, he has a slight excitement in his tone, when he is explaining new information or something he has learned. That's what I'm looking for, to see that spark, hint of motivation, not "forced" feeling. He said he wanted to share some of the videos with me as well. I don't mind, I enjoy learning more as well, broadening my spectrum. We talked about something he was written by one of his AP's friends (a professional), how he thinks where we are right now communication wise is a good place, so early is recovery, which is a good sign for our marriage in his opinion. Which is good to hear of course, but there is just so much more, sigh.

Spoiler: Possible Trigger

On a brighter note, today my mom sat with my two girls and let me go take a nap. When I laid down, he had already been sleeping for hours... but I just hugged Wade and no matter the chaos that has been filling up in my head, I just enjoyed the moment. I hugged him tightly, kissed his back a few times and didn't want to let go - I couldn't help it, I love him and that hasn't changed no matter the circumstance or pain I'm in or I've been in or even what decisions I still need to make going forward. I took my time running my fingers up and down his neck, back, his side, down his hips ... I just enjoy touching him, feeling him, caressing his body it brings me joy, makes me smile. Then I figured I should probably try and get some sleep in while I could (not to mention, I was getting myself excited, uselessly at the moment lmao) when I turned around, he did too and then he hugged me. I love the feeling of his arms around me, the feel of his touch, his embrace - I lose myself in it, everything around me stops, even if it's only for a moment in time. It was a nice hour for me.

P.S: My birthday is in 3 days, I think getting a year older is making me more depressed too lol

I think I need to watch some more motivational videos tomorrow morning if the little one permits, I need to add some more pep in my step.

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I don't think it changes how we've been behaving towards each other. I think, from how he has been explaining it to me: the more connected we get, with every passing day, the more he is afraid of losing me - so the thought of the marker/countdown puts pressure on him, in the sense of "not having enough time to show me" >> be it, how he really feels about me now that he is clear of PM, how he is changing. Whether I can heal enough before making my decision, etc.

Right now, he see's what we could have had all along, what I've been begging for the whole time. All these years, the kind of marriage we have been missing out on because of his PA and behavior, he doesn't want to lose it, now that he has felt it. He feels that if I decide to lift the marker, give him a final chance, the potential for our relationship (with our level of connection/intimacy right now) would be limitless.

 

I am sure he is and I keep assuring him as best as I can, given the situation.

We are just in a different place now, a new place - where we have open and honest communication, so if something is on our mind, bothering us, a concern, fear (anything) we tell each other, no more secrets or lies. So, he is doing just that and I appreciate it, I rather he voices it to me than harbor it, have that anxiety grow and slip/relapse because of that.

I agree fear should always be used as a form of motivation rather than anything else!

 

DAY 176:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• My husband has been honest with me in general...
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night we spoke a bit about the topics of the last few days including my journal and some of the discussions that went on in it. I guess it's difficult for people from the outside, looking in to really understand my "timetable" and the point of it or why it exists in the first place. It wasn't put in as an ultimatum for Wade or to put pressure on him, in fact, it has nothing to do with Wade or this recovery at all - it was brought up by me, to him before he even began or considered starting recovery at all. The two-year timetable isn't a clock for him, a countdown or any of those things, all it is - is a timeline, of the time we have left until this marriage would officially run it's course, you know - be over. I decided to wait two years instead of ending it this past Jan because I put my daughter before, myself. She is a very emotional girl, a smart girl, but emotional none-the-less, therefore, I told him I would play house with him to keep up with appearances for her sake, for another two/three years until she passed all her tests and applied to high schools, I didn't want a divorce to jolt her. That's all that "two-year" reference is/was for me at least when I put it in place. So, what's changed? well, all of a sudden Wade decided to actually, for the first time ever - make a change, start recovery and take it seriously. This threw me, it was like a curveball went right through my plan of just "waiting it out till the two years were up", because I told him I would be there for him as a friend to support him, but I didn't realize that in the same breathe it would also cause us to begin reconnecting. I didn't think I would be able to open myself up to him anymore, after disconnecting the way that I did. But I began seeing and feeling things I never thought possible with him, not anymore...and I liked the changes I was seeing. This left me and still leaves me confused. However, I am not as naive as I once was, I haven't forgotten what I've been through, what led up to me finally deciding I was done with him and this relationship, the PTSD and triggers are real and scary. So, when he asked me a few weeks ago if my end goals have changed, I said yes, my answer changed from "I am sure this marriage is over" to "I just don't know what I want to do anymore". It's that change that has given him hope, plus he said that now that he has felt this intimacy and connection, he doesn't want to lose it and I understand what he means... So, from his point of view, my two-year plan is hanging over him like a countdown in a sense, because I gave him a glimmer of hope that I'm open to the idea of possibly giving him another chance, but he doesn't know if he'll have enough time to show me just how much he has changed in order to help make my decision work in his favor, and not in the opposite direction. I did tell him though, that it's not all on him, a lot has to do with my healing and where I want to be, how I see myself and ultimately what will make me happy and feel secure. I told him that I fear that too much damage has accumulated over the 12 years of him ignoring me completely while ogling others excessively, to the point where I feel that there may be no way for me to ever really feel secure (as the only woman who has his attention in the room) when I am out with him, because there will always be a notice, threat, or trigger around because he was always looking at someone -all the time- (so my mind will always default into comparing myself, competion mode, wondering if he wishes he could look at her etc.) and that is a really big issue for me to process, because, without that sense of security, I can't be happy, if I can't be happy, unfortunately, I won't be able to stay in this marriage - because I want to finally spend the rest of my adult life being happy, it's been too long and too many years of misery, sadness, loneliness, and depression, I don't want to live like that anymore.

Right now we both agree on one thing - we are finally in a good place, a place we've never been at before in our relationship. Our communication is on point. We are able to discuss anything that's on our mind - good or bad, in a judgment-free zone and get feedback/answers from the other person. We no longer have to guess or assume what the other is thinking, we can just bring it up and have a calm talk about it, even if we talk about the same thing every day, something new always pops up, a new idea, perspective, theory or concept and it makes understanding whatever we are talking about a little easier. This has been such a great asset and makes everything so much easier to go through.

We walked and discussed his night, no big issues there he said. He watched some more videos and even started writing to the motivational YouTuber who has been helping PAs. Then after we woke up went ran an errand at Costco, a few minor notices for me there. He kept telling me I looked hot which was cute, before recovery he never made so many comments like this. but I did feel hot, literally, because it was so humid and muggy out lol

Great Jay Shetty Video:

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=2092348451079609

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Hey @JustSadPorn, she does plan on going to college, as far as I know. In our area though, the local High Schools (the ones they automatically put you in by "zip code") aren't so great, but if you do well academically, you can apply to specialized schools, as well as take entrance exams and make it into better ones a bit further down. If she fails them, by default they'll just put her into one of the bad schools and I do not want that. She is a really smart kid, but emotional about everything (I don't know where she gets it from, as I never show emotion) but that was my concern, causing her to freak out due to a divorce. Also, I do believe or hope that by the time she is 17/18, she will be a lot more mature to handle a divorce (college bound).

 

DAY 177:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• My husband has been honest with me in general...
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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I won't repeat the same stuff, because our discussion last night was a continuation of the day prior. I just re-explained myself to him and made sure he was clear that my time frame was definitely not put in place as something against him or his recovery. He said he knows. It was clear because we discussed it before his recovery was even a thing. However, he said, now that things have been changing for him, for me and for us, he feels like it may have become more than that, for us both and that perhaps it's hanging over our heads as a big "what if" because it has become sort of like a countdown. Maybe he is right, I put it out of my mind though and try not to think about it, just taking things day by day and enjoying the experience as we have it thus far.

I have a whole lot on my mind lately, so much rolling around in there, it's a bit much sometimes. I turn 34 in 1.5 hours, I feel old. Like really old, I know people will probably tell me "omg that's so young!" but not for me, the last 12 years have aged me a whole lot. Times a ticking now, as I approach the big 35, it's starting to freak me out a bit, make me nervous. Keep thinking a lot about some of the women Wade ogled, some of them looked to be about 20-25, they got 10 years on me. I can't compete that much, the older I get and feel. This sucks. I'm old.

A great Prince Ea Video "Before You Break Up":

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10156852499569769

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This is so true, every day:

 

Thank you

 

DAY 178:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• My husband has been honest with me in general...
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Today I turned 34. Blah, not so fun lol. I haven't really been in a birthday mood the last few years, not much is different this year.

Yesterday he worked, so we spoke over the phone a bit. I noticed he spent a lot of time watching his anime cartoons, which means he wasn't spending too much time on recovery work or work-work (no excuses). That didn't make me too happy, he claims he is getting enough in but, my gut feeling doesn't go off for no reason. I told him that. Then when he was on his way home, I was already in bed, he texted me to see if I was up, I still was and he asked if he could call me and I said yes, I guess that was his ploy to keep me awake lol. He got home and made me get out of bed so that I could stay up till 12 am, for my birthday to officially hit. Once it did, he was excited to give me the gifts he had gotten me. He bought me a nice navy blue house robe, a pretty silver heart bracelet and gave me a beautifully handwritten two-page letter which was very touching to both read and receive, I loved all of those gifts very much. I could tell he put a lot of thought into each one, just the kind of gifts I actually enjoy receiving.

This morning we walked and talked about addiction and how it affects your brain. Then it was up to me to decide how I wanted to spend the day was is my birthday after all. It was either go to the Aquarium with the kids or the mall, let them run around and then have a family lunch. The thought of camps at the Aquarium made my head spin, so I opted for the mall. We got to the mall, it wasn't too packed. My mood was all right going in. I noticed a few "threats" but I sat down at the indoor playground, minding my own business while Wade ran after the girls. A few minutes later, a woman he would have definitely ogled in the past and a friend of hers, promptly sat right beside me. She looked to be about 25, so 10 years younger than me, which of course, today made me feel even worse. I sat there, wallowing in those thoughts. What started firing off in my head? well, I thought to myself: I am 34 today, my twenties are far behind me now, and to make matters worse they were wasted away. I know for a fact, that same time last year, Wade would have been doing cartwheels just to snag a peek at this chick, in front of me and on my birthday. Then I began thinking, just like the last few days and last night, a lot of the women he has ogled all look to be about 10 years younger than me, sigh. He'll never admit it or agree with me, not now anyway. He will just say "you look like you're twenty! what are you talking about!" or some shit but the truth speaks for itself, he was ogling their 20 something asses, not my old 30 something ass. I won't go into it but it made me think back to a photo a coworker of his sent to him on his phone once, that got me more pissed. Then the "threat" next to me left, I was relieved for a few minutes until they came back, her friend sat down, she stood in front of her giving me a full body view. It really made me feel like shit. It was so bad, that for the first time, out of all the triggers I've had, I texted Wade a message saying do not come my way, when you are ready to leave, tell me and I will come to you. I told him I was afraid of him slipping and he knew what I meant, not slipping and falling on the floor. The woman finally sat her ass down and continued talking to her friend. My daughter decided to run out of the area she was at and come towards me, so of course, Wade follows her right to me, when I asked him to stay away from my area... for a reason. He claims he didn't want our daughter running off, but that's a lame excuse he saw she ran to me and if she would have run the other way, he'd still have no reason to walk to me - he would go the other way. He specifically came my way, during my trigger, while the woman was still there - when I asked him not to, I never texted him saying the threat was gone or anything like "it's okay now". That really added on to my trigger, because I felt like I reached out to him, out of desperation to make sure my trigger doesn't get worse, but out of pure stupidity or curiosity or to see this piece of ass, he decided to do the exact opposite of what I asked him to...? but the kids were there, so I had to put on my happy face and play it off like everything is fucking great. I was livid, this right here sets a really bad precedent for me and the cruise. This was me asking for some security, some safety, some assurance and he couldn't do it... now I'm freaking out because it's too late to cancel the cruise. Then we went to have my birthday lunch, we ate, went to a store so Wade could buy himself some toys and then went home. He wanted to go to a billiards place this evening, but after the afternoon I had, I am not in the mood (plus if I get triggered further there, my birthday would just be complete) and we don't have the money for it (cause we'd be getting drinks there).

Tonight we are just going to rent a movie, drink some wine and then call it a night. I don't like my birthday's much anymore anyway, so good riddance, there isn't much to celebrate these last few years.

Although I do appreciate all of the good wishes from everyone, thank you.

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