35 and older accountability, Group 2

D137. I remain focused on my other affairs, which are greater, if possible, than the PM. The other Forums I have joined are not like this, although I would like them to be. This Forum stands out from the rest.

In my 137 days of abstinence I have faced strong urges, a feeling of frightful emptiness, but everything indicates that, even though those feelings may return, things will get better and better.

In my mind is a memory of the web pages I used to visit to make M ... always the same videos. I remember the frustration I felt sometimes when I spent more an hour looking for a good video, and ending with one already known. My body didn't want anything anymore, but my insatiable mind didn't give it a break.

I don't miss that, but I hate it. Nothing good is in porn. I must watch. The higher I climb the harder the fall can be. I don't know if I'll have another chance like this. Others tell me there will always be opportunities, but I'm not so sure. I live this streak as if it were my last hope. And I've seen streaks of 500+ days. Why can't I be one of those? 100% of me want to achieve that goal.

 

@newtry - I know where you are coming from, I feel the same. I noticed the last few days that thoughts and images return to my mind. As you say nothing good is in porn, so I try to resist and expel these thoughts from my mind. I guess it's just the old things calling out and though those images and memories start to fade they still need to be resisted.

I feel like you that this feels like the last chance, the last stand. The best I've previously done is about 4 months, so I'm hoping that these days are just the catalyst that I need to change for good, to change permanently.

 

Once you have a good run it is very difficult to recover. I've seen falls since 200+ days and now they are fighting the chaser effect

 

Thank you Brother

I felt shocked and depressed while driving home from that date, but then my "inner voice" told me that I was honest and that everything would be just fine, and I believed it!

All of the negativity has since melted away.

 

You are doing a great job of acknowledging your triggers, and you possess an acute sense of awareness, and I believe that these will continue to aid in your success and strength as you progress on your chosen path.

 

Thank you @RightEffort! I am learning that support from friends is an unparalleled blessing

 

I appreciate how humble and vigilant you remain. You're taking nothing for granted.

 

Checking in. Nearly 6 months no porn now & jerking off

Things have been good lately. I have been out of flatline for a few weeks and my libido is much much much better atm. Not 100% but at least 80%.

I do wonder if another flatline will come but I try to put this out of my mind for now and enjoy.

Keep up the good fight gents

 

D138. To complement what I have said: I have noticed that those who reach high gusts, and then fall, hardly get up. Little by little they leave the Forum. They go off slowly, as if embarrassed. And the chaser effect multiplies ... it bites them hard. I try to be an observer of all that, to learn. I think it reaches a point where it is "all or nothing": either we reach 500+ days, or we sink deeper into the mud

 

Every comment I read in this forum makes me feel a bit better and a bit stronger and gives me more purpose. I am happy to help as your comments and responses help me also. The perspective of others is really eye opening.

 

What you said is so true, when I reflect on my habit or searching for videos for countless hour I really feel ashamed. So much valuable time wasted sitting in front a computer screen engaging in an activity that has damaged me severely, has negatively impacted my life and will take everything I have to recover.

Stay strong Bro, I think we have to stop looking at this concept of having a streak and be determined to change our lives for ever. As the saying goes.....today is the start of the rest of my life. Free of PMO forever is the only goal.

 

I say don't worry about flatlines, when it comes it comes and when it goes it goes. Live life to the fullest everyday and see your flatlines as a reminder that you are going in the right direction. Let it be a reminder that you are doing the right thing.

 

D139. The worst happened: the urges, the anxiety, the feeling of emptiness. They will return to me, surely, but I will be strengthened.

YouTube: decide which side you are on. If I have to leave you, I will. I propose something: stop working for the enemy, let's be friends. Stop tempting me with those videos you already know, and help me use you to serve my God, because not everything is bad in you. You have the opportunity to be a blessing. What do you say?

 

Thank you brother.

 

I have done the ups and downs of flatlines before, they are nothing to worry about. It will pass and life will be better...much better. And never let them tempt you to try porn to make sure junk is still working. Your dick is fine........its your mind that got messed up and its the porn that did it.........just keep on track and remember why you started this process.

 

I have done this several times in recovery programs. The high of success and then the shame of admitting failure made me mute until there was no purpose showing up because I wasn’t contributing and I was just hiding in shame.

 

My notes from morning reading... From Gandhi's biography

1 Remember Divinity Infinite Invisible as the source of all things.

2 Renounce trying to get satisfaction from the objects, people or substances which only leave you hungover.

3 Enjoy the everlasting joy and peace and serenity of letting go of the temporary pleasures.

4 Do not fall for the temptation of comparing your life and possessions with other people who "seem happier".

 

D140 Visiting my parents. I just got to walk the dog. This time is excellent for me. I am full of projects: new work ventures, related to teaching. In gastronomic matters, I am taking care of myself much more, and starting to cook healthier. I keep going to the gym, and every day I am more fit. I am praying to meet a girl, a good Christian and a good companion. I am healing mentally and emotionally. This year will be the best of all.

 

Good for you bud, keep it up!!

 

Well lets hope this does not happen to anyone, I came to this forum cause I Keep relapsing. My hope is being here makes me more consistent and allows me to over come the problem. We all came here in shame, I dont get why you would be shame from a relapse. We all here cause we have a problem we ashamed of. NoFap is not a competition to see who can have the longest streaks or cast shame upon those who stumble. It is suppose to be about helping each other get over our addiction.