I don’t know what’s happening lately but I think I’m hooked again. I haven’t fapped for more than 200 days but this morning, I watched porn and I fapped. I really don’t wanna have urges talk less of ejaculating. I’m back again. I want this year to be my best year. I need this. I’ve got goals. I don’t need this kinda behavior or habit.
I want to be able to be with a woman without visualizing sex with her more than once. I had that ability last year. I also have some personal goals too. I need to work. I don’t wanna be distracted. I don’t wanna initiate sex too.
Hang in there man, good for you for avoiding the temptation to do something you know won't help! It will get better, just be patient and be gentle with yourself.
Day 0. Made it until day 12. Will try to keep that up. Relapsed during the night. I fought and won a few battles during the night, but at the end I didn't stay out of bed. I slept, but was not able to fall back asleep, so I should have stood up and done something else... Thing is, part of me wanted to relapse, because it didn't want to face "all the suffering that is ahead.". I will work on my mentality around that.
Day 0. Relapsed on Day 12. Circumstance: I had slept from 12pm to 4:30am. When I woke up, I had a long lasting erection that wouldn't go away and the cravings were considerably strong in combination with that. So I did self-talk and the erection subsided and the cravings went away. However my body was still a little shocked from the whole thing and so I was prone to re-ignite the cravings. How it made me feel/think: I felt very aroused and worried about abstaining. I thought that I was not ready to keep abstaining for an unknown amount of time. Not knowing when it would get easier. It gave me the excuse to relapse, so I could rethink my mentality afterwards. What action I took: I relapsed. What better action I should have taken: I should have stood up and done a coping exercise and then distracted myself with a series or a movie until the cravings subsided completely. If they would return, I would repeat the process. I should have told myself that the period of cravings is just temporary and that the suffering I am always telling myself to be never ending, is actually not that bad and is absolutely temporary. There are periods of time where there is peace and one can relax... So it is totally fine. I should have told myself that the suffering I used to have when I left the house to go to work and deal with difficult and toxic people, is actually more frustrating than just being at home completely in control of myself, dealing with my cravings. PS: As I relapsed today I wanted to relapse again. My mind tells me: "Oh, we already relapsed today, so what's the problem of relapsing again? It won't set back our streak because we're on day 0, right?". Oh well, isn't that a load of crap. I am only as much of a man as the actions I take in any kind of situation. I am taking charge over my situation right now! I get back into the fight immediately after I find out what I did wrong and where I need to improve. There is no Day 0 excuse for relapsing! I take responsibility instead of wallowing in my excuses and go into chimp mode to do another relapse for the pleasure depth... I lay the foundation on Day 0, for the days to come. Much strength everyone.
