The Jedi Temple (open)

checking in.

 

I’m back at day zero again, it’s hard but I believe in the force will guide me through these dark times.

 

476 days no PMO, semen retention

 

19/136 (2022)
no p-subs, no sex

 

day 42- jedi knight

 

Day 4 here

 

Day 81, the force is getting stronger!

 

Day 0 - Youngling

****

 

476 days SR
47 days no sex

“The farther away you are from the truth, the more the hateful and pleasurable states will arise. There is also self- deception” Bodhidharma

Girls: my father asked me yesterday about the fitness girl I dated like 3 weeks ago, so I replied to him, I usually don’t talk too much about girls with him, he spends most of the time doing meditation and he doesn’t like to talk too much about mundane affairs, but he is quite knowledgeable about girls, he told me the fitness girl is a good girl and she really likes me, she has her flaws as any other women, but it is normal.

I mentioned him the 18 y.o girl I’m seeing at the gym he didn’t like her so much, she’s a bit crazy and immature I already knew this that is why I see her as a friend, but im going to stay away from her a bit more and no more kisses with her.

So we end up choosing the fitness girl, she is really into me, she’s studying to be a physician, mature and physically she has one of the best bodies I’ve ever seen, beautiful eyes too. I don’t see myself long term with her but a couple of months will be fine. Also she is leaving the country in a couple of months so it’s not a bad idea. We are talking again.


Austerities: 2/30

Its going great already refraining the senses and waking up before 4am has helped me to gain new energy

Meditation: today I’m doing meditation again, I noticed I have a lot of energy, probably for the semen retention streak but it’s more a physical energy I need to refine it, otherwise I can lose it very easily, it’s not a very deep energy, it’s a bit shallow, I’ll do some meditation to work this out. Also spending some time away from very mundane girls helps a lot to storage energy, if not careful girls can drain you out very fast.

 

This is an advice that my father a real tantric master told me today

“First of all recognize the illusion of this world, the materiality and mundanity of women in general, you need to have clear concepts about the deceit of the material life so this way you find the motivation to search the inner life which is what is really truthful."

 

Day 2

 

Rank 0 - In fact, been rank 0 for 6 of the last 7 days. However, I had this realization which I am posting here




(Long post, excuse my profanity)

In the last 7 days, I have looked at/binged on pornography 6 of those days including PMOing briefly after group today. I realized something in that PMO session:

1) pornography is really weird. Like the scenarios don't make any sense, and when you tease them apart, they are downright creepy. For instance, who is the POV supposed to be? Obviously there is nothing intimate about pornography, it is just really fucked up.

2) I have always had the "right"/ability to look at porn. Just because I am working with a new coach who emphasizes weaning off versus cold turkey does not mean I have any more freedom to binge than I did before, I just thought I did because in my NoFap recovery, I have been quite repressed.

3) my coach says most men completely give up porn by week 8 of 12 (I am on week 3) and he acknowledges that not everyone is viewing that entire time. So if that is the case, then yes, I have the right to binge, but I also have the right to go no PMO, and if his program is more than just wearing out the addict so that they no longer like pornography (and I have to imagine it is or it would not have such a permanent basis in the recovered men), then choosing to give up in a "cold turkey" manner that acknowledges my freedom to go back, should be just as valid.

4) So acknowledging the above, I can say "fuck it, no PMO" and I could easily be just as successful as if I said "fuck it, I am going to binge because the program says it is okay". I have a choice in the matter. As He-Man would say, "I have the Power [over pornography]". I am not its slave. It is my lesser foe. I am a mathematician, writing, teacher, and Christian goddammit, being a pornography addict is such a small part of me. Such a weak aspect of my life, and I have the choice. Of course I can look at pornography if I want to. No one took that power from me ever, I just thought they did and thus I made pornography stronger than me.

5) My binging this last week has taught me that I have a choice in life. To PMO or not to PMO. I have always had that power, it just took me looking at myself in the mirror after watching a particularly bizarre video for me to realize that I don't have to recover. No one is making me. But I want to recover. I have the choice to relapse whenever the hell I want, but that does not mean I have to do it. I have the choice to go car jack someone right now and run over pedestrians (dark example), but just because I have the choice to do so does not mean I have to. (And I am getting as morally ambiguous as possible to prove me point because when I say "I should or should not do something" I am giving someone else's morality power over me instead of forming my own). I choose not to commit grand theft auto and vehicular homicide because I believe it is wrong, and I can choose to not PMO anymore because I believe it is unhelpful/unhealthy. I think my biggest issue was this concept of rebellion. I had spent the last week PMOing out of some sense of rebellion, and the good thing that came out of it is that I am no one's slave, least of all pornography.

6) Lastly, we all have choices. We have always had our own choices and though others' words may influence our morality, we ourselves get to choose what is moral and what is not. Pornography might be immoral in some people's eyes, but we have to decide if it is immoral in our eyes or not. No one else can make that decision for us, and the problem is, I was letting others make that decision for me, and it took a week of binging on some hardcore stuff to realize that I am the master of my own destiny. Whatever happens is between me and God, and fuck everyone else...


With that, I reset my counter to 6pm this evening. Not because that is the last time I relapsed, but because it seemed like a fitting time to change.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

I agree with your idea: " Girls can drain you out very fast" . We must be careful

 

Day 19- Padawan. I feel that the best benefit of the last days has been mental clarity and to reduce the anxiety.

 

477 days no PMO, semen retention

 

Current streak: 477 days no PMO, semen retention

This is an advice that my father a real tantric master told me yesterday

“First of all recognize the illusion of this world, the materiality and mundanity of women in general, you need to have clear concepts about the deceit of the material life so this way you find the motivation to search the inner life which is what is really truthful."

Women in general love their egos, that is why it's so hard to find a good girl because a girl is how you meet her she won't change.

For me more than doing long semen retention streaks, living without sex, living as a monk, long hours of meditation, fasting, doing medical school, the most hard thing in my life has been to see a woman for what she really is, without lust blinding my sight.

Conclusion: if you can see a woman without lust for what she really is then you have taken the veil of illusion, you have become a bit more wise, free and a less confused. This is a step further to liberation.

 

20/135 (2022)
no p-subs, no sex

 

Day 5

 

Day 82, the force is getting stronger!

 

day 43- jedi knight