Accountability for All

Day9

 

Day 6

 

P: 53 days
M: 79 days
O: 79 days

* 5 PMO but no relapse
* 1 MO but no relapse
* Averaging 13.2 days on PMO nofap
* 19 days straight nofap

 

Check-in, the second day.

I just did some push-ups and jump rope.

I feel alone and nervous, I think I'm on the edge of depression not only for this PMO issue but because of a lot of other factors in my life. Yesterday I watched a comic on Tw that made me cry like a little kid, it was a sad story but I felt that it touch something deep.

I don't know how I'm going to be a functional person while I'm on this path.

 

Day 22

I was so much in a fight today .. not with p but with sth inside me .. I am greedy .. I want more .. and I remember that once I went back to p because I was not sure I am able to tame this hungry, ambitious guy inside me ,so I wanted to break it before it breaks close ones around me (not the optimal solution because through it I harmed a lot of people as well) .. I decided today to remind myself who I am NOT .. It is not easy to know myself but it is for sure much easier to know who I am NOT .. the first step towards self knowledge is to break away the illusions .. when I do that, an emptiness will come .. but how can I expect to be filled with sth more precious if I am NOT empty?! .. emptiness is not bad at all .. emptiness is a richness .. if it happened in that way, almost no one can harm you or take away anything from you .. what is there that is solid no matter what and you can depend on it under any situations .. let me empty myself of non permanent things ..

I am NOT my emotions

I am NOT my thoughts

I am NOT my knowledge

I am NOT my profession

I am NOT my prestige

I am NOT my past

I am NOT my fears

I am NOT my ambitions

I am NOT my failures

I am NOT my childhood

I am NOT my title

I am NOT my career

I am NOT my body

I am NOT my family (although I love them)

I am NOT my roles (son, husband, brother, .. etc)

I am NOT my dreams

I am NOT my greed

I am NOT my senses

I am NOT who I think I am

I know I am much deeper than all of this

Some wise man once said: you can find everything in human-being , but you can NOT find human-being in anything else

listen with me to this amazing music:



"Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair"

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P: 54 days
M: 80 days
O: 80 days

* 5 PMO but no relapse
* 1 MO but no relapse
* Averaging 13.3 days on PMO nofap
* 20 days straight nofap

 

I relapsed yesterday.
It was day 20, which was a 7 day improvement over my last time.

I also saw it coming a mile way because I was on vacation with someone, and then I got home ,was alone and tired.
I kept it off for a few hours by keeping myself busy with some PC tinkering, bit eventually it got to much.

Now for improvement goals I want to work on my discipline.
Every morning I'm going to get up when my alarm goes.
and I'm going to workout 3x per week and run 3x per week.

For this I'm thinking about getting a board or app to keep track. a board would be more visual

 

Day10
A small WIN in a LONG journey, but every win has its own taste.
Lets gooo

 

Day 23

Multiplicity of goals:

This one .. this one .. it is the child of my greed .. you know .. after I "pm" and before the guilt and the shame kicks in , there is a moment of serenity or two .. it becomes apparent to you when and where did you fall short .. what did you overestimate ? .. what you worked for so much but it did not need that much effort .. it shows you where you were strict and where were you careless .. a moment of clarity .. there I see what I really needed .. perhaps a rest .. a walk .. a small nap .. a good cooked meal .. a small talk with friend or a family relative .. the suggestions flood your mind .. there in this moment you simply see what really mattered looking after and for .. one thing I almost always see after every relapse is my multiplicity of goals and I keep it hidden from myself .. as if it should be a restricted topic .. the voice comes .. '' But we need to do a lot of things !!!' .. " We need to catch up with our life " .. "We have lots of responsibilities" .. "We have lots of dreams" .. "We have lots of relationships we need to amend " .. "we have lots of opportunities we need to re-take" .. "we have lots of skills we need to employ" .. "We have lots of books to read" .. "We have lots of courses to study" .. "we have lots of degrees to earn" .. till when I will let myself be in this vicious cycle .. till when !! .. I will continue exploring this idea tomorrow (if I am not distracted from it , which I will try to resist )

"Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair"

[/QUOTE]

 

Day 7

 

Day 0 baby. Nothing is working for me. I blocked everything a could.

My biggest mistake is not managing the BLAST triggers.

 

Hi everyone, long time no see! Unfortunately I relapsed and needed to get away from the internet for a while to reset my mind. I'm back and ready to go and am not going to give up! Let's keep going!

 

Check in. Been a while since I posted. Didn't really had urges before the last couple of days. I had some withdrawals with mood swings where I suddenly started to cry uncontrollably. It was triggered due to some difficult situation going on in my house. It has happened before. I have some communication issues with controlling my temper and speaking properly in front when I am arguing. I get rude and it affects people a lot around. I haven't even seen a world pmo free where I can claim my personality and maturity. Sometimes I still feel like I am a child who has some serious issues.

 

Pushing into day 12

 

Checkin'

Hey bro , keep at it , things are going to be better.
- Talk to someone who can listen to you and understand you. I think that would give some relief
- Try to control your -ve emotions of anger etc. its not you , its not them , its the situation.
This is all part of journey.

 

P: 55 days
M: 81 days
O: 81 days

* 5 PMO but no relapse
* 1 MO but no relapse
* Averaging 13.5 days on PMO nofap
* 21 days straight nofap

* Got the world's worst fucking headache but I guess this can only mean I am healing now. So the first 20 days were cravings I guess whereas now it's real healing. Similar to when I gave up smoking. First few weeks were horrible but it got easier after some time.

 

Day 30.

 

Day 12

 

Day11

 

Day 24

After a while of abstaining of this addiction, your memory of who you are starts to come back .. do you know this feeling? .. yesterday I was complaining of having too many goals and my energy is not able to deal with all of them at the same time .. the fact is : when I recover for a long time, I can deal with many goals .. but the problem now is: I think of other goals while working on one goal .. I did not have this before .. it is this nasty addiction that changed me .. it does not let you focus .. focusing becomes impossible .. many things become important at the same time .. especially if you are having slow progress on one of your goals .. you feel an itch in your soul to do sth else .. to do sth that have fast gains (the addiction is the fastest!) .. I can only think of this as dopamine addiction .. finishing things gives me good emotions .. so long term goals are dopamine starvation mode for such emotions .. because you only see the fruit of your work at the end .. and the end for a long term goal is not so near .. and the addiction makes it even harder to think to abstain from other goals and to put your whole effort on this long term goal .. this addiction changes personalities !!! .. it changes even how you taste your food .. Do you also notice that? .. the food becomes almost tasteless after you relapse .. of course after relapse one may eat in a frenzy way but still one does not enjoy much the taste .. all what I want at this moment after relapse is to fill my stomach .. greed .. I can even imagine how this addiction planted this nasty character trait and how to got transformed to other forms in my life .. when I relapse , I do not go for one tab, one video .. No no no .. you find 10 tabs .. 10 videos .. jumping from here to there ... this insatiable clicking and opening tabs and videos got transferred now somehow to opening many articles to read without finishing completely one .. but spending much of the time searching .. the idea in the mind that fuels the searching is "perhaps there is better" .. that ugly sentence does not let you stay with anything .. you get bored quickly with one thing .. you need many .. many videos .. many tabs .. many articles .. many books .. many courses ..and yes yes many goals (at the same time!) .. one is not enough .. because "maybe there is better" .. when I abstain from this addiction for long enough time, I become immersed in one book .. I become immersed in one goal .. I can become easily satisfied with what is in my hand .. I do not look for what others are doing .. I just focus on what I have .. and I feel myself whole in every task .. in every process .. the worst thing about this addiction is that it makes you forget who you are if you are on it for enough time .. we are much better than this addiction .. we are much better in a way that we can not imagine .. in a way that even if we lived it once, it slips our mind as a sweet dream that gets dissolved in the morning within few minutes after we wake up .. we are much better !!

"Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair"

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