Accountability for All

checkin'

 

checkin'

 

Goddamnit! Another relapse
F...

The good side is, i finally know my damn trigger
It's the damn phone

I could use my phone for hours, and the probability for me to discover something that might "trigger" and wake my urges is dangerously high

 

45 Days

Halfway there. Had therapy today. Gym's reopened after 11 days of lockdown.

My mood is significantly better than last week, which was just dogshit. Can't believe I'm able to weather the depressive storm like this. Probably the first time in my life. My funks usually last for a few weeks otherwise.

To a better life.

 

Day 32

#total_new_habits = 8
#days_of_new_habits = 3/40

Inside cinema with effects
=========================
You are working on sth.. But then sth happens.. You do not even remember how did it start.. It is a thread of thoughts and emotions that entices you.. They do not seem that harmful at the beginning .. You get tempted.. You start to follow.. You enter the cinema hall.. And you start watching.. You start listening.. Your body responds.. You get cut off from this world.. Your full sensation is on it.. You realize where you have entered.. And you find chains on the chair you sat on.. You try to sit up.. You see the chair becomes a seat on a roller-coaster of emotions.. You start closing yours eyes., your ears and you say "Go away.. I do not want that".. You become afraid of thinking or letting your thoughts play their movies in front of you.. You do not know what will come up.. Strangely enough you are attached to this cinema.. You like to be talked to.. You like to be tempted by someone.. You feel under the spot light of yourself.. Because otherwise you will feel alone from the inside.. And the big question comes.. What can fill this void?.. Who can fill this emptiness?.. Is it your loved one?.. Your friend?.. Your parents?.. We have to admit it.. No human can be that close all the time.. They have their inner world as well, you know.. Perhaps this Addiction is harmful but the voice comes and tell you "I keep you good company.. I do not leave you alone...but the price is.. You have to be mine.. I have to cut you from this world.. Bit by bit.. Inch by inch.. You have to do what I say otherwise I will leave you to the void.. To the emptiness..".. I think loneliness is much better than being in such an abusing relationship.. I think also that I am not lonely.. There is someone else there.. But that person seems not to like the bad voice.. That person seems also very respectful and calm and does not like to mingled with such low behaviors.. I think it is my real self that I am looking for.. I think that person also sees a lot of potential inside me and trusts me.. And is very loyal.. That person comes back when I leave the bad voice.. I think I am changing my inner company that I am hanging out with


"Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair"

[/QUOTE]

 

A video game! A magnificent one too. It was just on play station but now it's on steam too.
God of War (2018) I still need to play the entries before it too!

 

When I Think: "MURPHY IS MY FUCKING SHEPARD" , then I do much better....
what that means is: Murphy always fucks you when you are not expecting it....
So thinking that Murphy is just waiting really to fuck me....It helps me somehow to not expect that this PMO shit, which is really just conditioning in the mind arise from the past to triggers in the present....(hello!!!!)....to somehow just magically go away so that I can get on with a peaceful productive life.....

Instead: really directly planning on some shit from my mind fucking me, just around the corner, or in the next few minutes really helps me.....and I do not think of this as paranoia, simply it is due diligence.....Due diligence starts with patience....so

In the relapse forum setting yourself up for success really helps and having antidotes when waves of triggers, stimulus or desires arise....really helps...IF YOU DO THE ANTIDOTES...!!!

I do meditate everyday, but it is not enough....I get these waves of a six huge triggers or so in the course of an hour....I have been so frustrated with this...but Now I am having some patience ....it is going to come, so let it come....but what I have to do is concretely respond to each wave, which in the past was exhausting.....Now I look directly at it and ask " What is the Source of this?"....I sometimes get some response for some cause in the past, but almost always I can see in general that the Source is my own mind....this helps, then I ask the Coercer God that is always fucking pushing me around to take this shit, I ask my teachers, the Angels, and any Enlightened Beings to take this shit from me....and it is amazing : if I am clear, and directly ask , they do....Then I do some Holy Mantrum, I Stabilize myself, and am patient for the next wave....

 

This thread has saved me today. Without it I would have no safe haven after coming home from work. The question: why is the computer the first thing I go to? But as long as it is this way I need to have something positiv to do, like to check in here, otherwise I would just watch movies or news and most likely end up in pmo.

 

Day 7 in the books!!!

read the bad beginning and the reptile room!!!

 

Day one I gues - Done

 

In the past 90 days I have:

* PMO'd 5 times but not fully relapsed
* MO'd 1 time but not fully relapsed
* Averaging 15 days on strict PMO nofap
* 30 days straight nofap streak so far

 

Day 39.

Been very busy. Sensitivity imroving, motivation that on the right path.

 

I relapsed after 10 days. Very disappointed in myself. Find at night time that is when I am most vulnerable. I will make a list of why I want to do nofap and read it every night, and also hide my phone in a better place to make it harder for me. The start is the hardest, and I have to overcome this! I want to overcome it! I'm not going to give up!

 

Finally DAY 20.
I was busy Tomorrow.. I didn't write anything. It was hectic today also.
Sometimes i'm feeling stressed.. But i think I've to make a Habit of it, from now.
A very rough year is coming for me & i think i'm prepared enough to face it.
I'm doing these little progresses. Hope u all are also doing good. Have a good day OR a good night.

 

checkin'

 

Day 6 in the list!!

 

Back from work and again on my computer. I'll watch a documentary tonight, or maybe two. I also have to do my laundry and actually I should do something for my back because my back, neck and head are hurting.
But the most important thing is that I don't look at porn tonight.

I've relapsed once during Christmas time and several times in the New Year. I think that's when I lost my motivation. It happened unconsciously but I realize it now because I couldn't stand to do my recovery work here and re-commit. Another factor is that I went back to regular porn consumption. When watching porn becomes the norm it is quite difficult to build up a serious believe in recovery and commitment.

But I forced myself back and to do things that I didn't feel like doing and now I see that it's good. In the past I was much more active on the forum and sometimes it really made me happy! Not from talking to myself alone, of course, but together with the others ... we had such a good vibe ... I felt: these are great people and I tried to be as good myself as I could be and then we just pushed and inpired ourselves and suddenly I felt these vibes ... and I felt so full of joy .. I hope the others could feel it as well!

Anyway, today I feel how good it does me to come here and say: I will not watch porn. Of course it's something different than the high that pmo would give me right now. But it is something meaningful!

To know that you could have a dopamine rush right now but to have decided that I you won't go that way and say it clearly: I won't give in. And then not to give in, really not to give in until you fall to sleep - that's actually a great feeling!
It gives me goose bumps now. I don't know what's with me lol

 

It's really that: nobody is forcing myself to come here and write posts. But when I do it, why not do it with full conviction? I have done years of nofap without getting through. Maybe I failed 100 times. But who says I can't make it on the hundred and first try!!!

When I come here to be accountable, when I do what I know I must do to get to recovery, I could as well do it with some passion. Enjoy it and make it enjoyable!
Let's have a good time here!

Sure, instead of replacing the addiction with recovery I added one to the other and now I have both: addiction and recovery, at the same time.
But it's possible that I needed all this repeated stupidness to finally get wise enough to do it and finally QUIT.
Anyway, I know: step by step.

Tomorrow I want to abstain from sugar and from coffee. Only one day! That's doable.
Do it!!

 

Day 33

#total_new_habits = 8
#days_of_new_habits = 4/40

Been a long day today .. really good ideas passed my mind today but I forgot to write them down to write about them now .. so let's see .. what to write about now ? .. okay maybe sth small .. maybe childish .. but I believe it is innocent and pure .. I am taking care of a new plant .. it is very small and was treated badly by the family and even the neighbours .. fall couple of times .. went out of soil more than once .. got moved from one pot to another couple of times .. few owners own it .. and it finally came to me .. unfortunately it got pushed by me on the ground .. so I said that is it .. this plant is my responsibility .. I am amazed it is still green actually .. part of it got broken .. but it is still surviving .. I decided to take care of it .. I may even take it as a symbol of my recovery .. it resembles me in many ways actually the more I think about it .. I made up time for it every morning to check on it .. I emptied a nice safe place for it away from people .. and moved it (hopefully for the last time) to another bigger pot .. has nice soil .. and watered it .. I may even get it some "soil vitamins' (I do not know what they are called honestly) .. I will take a picture of it everyday .. I really want this plant to grow .. there is a strange strong compassion inside me towards this plant .. it struggled a lot and it is so small .. but again I am amazed it is still green .. I am baffled .. I really hope this plant survives .. it gives me a very big hope ..


"Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair"

[/QUOTE]

 

Day 21