100 Cold Approaches

Thanks for you kind words. Can't believe this thread is more than 1,5 years old. You've been with me since the beginning.

There has certainly been a change in attitude since the beginning. The first approaches of this thread boiled down to asking girls for directions. That was certainly a practical method to get used to talking to random girls and build up some basic social/conversational skills. It made the approach anxiety a bit easier to surmount.

I initially was convinced that using a more direct style of initiating a conversation would scare the girl away. But I now realize that this attitude can be severely limiting. I remember that after that daygame session a few weeks ago where I did direct approaches, I felt super free afterwards... The first approaches were absolutely horrible and gutting. But then I entered a state where approach anxiety seemed to have disappeared.

I would go up to girls with no restraint but with joy. I even stopped riding my bicycle to compliment and talk to a girl who was walking [this was exactly next to the police office of my town, even the limiting belief of 'getting arrested' didn't stop me!]... Man, do I wish I had that mental state as a default mode. All these invisible walls that normally kept me 'within societal norms' collapsed. The point is, I don't think that that free state can be reached through going indirect.

I will surely keep using pretexts to approach girls in the future, especially for indoor situations. But being honest and authentic feels... well, authentic.

I'm now currently busy studying for exams so I'm taking a break from this activity.

I will try something out in the summer again.

Good luck man. Hope to read more about your journey in the future!

Getting a number from the first approach of your challenge, quite impressive.

 

1 date. 1 kiss

So I had a hiatus from dating for more than a month in order to focus on my exams.

Today I had my last exam so yesterday I decided to text 2 girls I met through cold approach, both of them documentated in this thread [Albanian and Iranian]. These were girls that I tried to meet up with again in the end of May, but they both got busy with their exams, so did I.

Anyway, the Iranian girl was down to meet so I grab a coffee with her after my exam.

I initially suggested a meeting place. When I went there I received a text that she's already in a coffeeshop and asked if it's okay if I come there. I was thinking this was a test to see if I would comply. So I was having doubts whether I should take the lead and take her somewhere else instead. These thought patterns didn't allow me to relax in anticipation of the date. Instead, they caused me to think in a way that killed my vibe.

I applied some Cognitive Behavior Therapy methods on myself by examining these negative thoughts, asking myself:

"Why are you thinking this way? Is there any rational basis to think like this? Even if it's true, would that mean it's a disaster? A catastrophe? Why don't you just relax instead of reading too much into this?"

And I must say, it did enable me to relax and to take a distance from my negative thought patterns so I could enter the present reality instead of giving credit to my infallible interpretation of it. Reality has nothing to do with your thoughts. You need to question everything, especially your own thoughts about dating. Your thoughts dictate your feelings. You better put these thoughts under scrutiny, instead of taking them for granted.

So I go there, and have a great time with her. At a certain point she's asking about my past and my previous relationships. I said to her I never really got a girlfriend, but I must say that it was not easy to be open about this. I didn't want to display any vulnerability to her so my answer was pretty vague too. Did some hand touching in the coffeeshop and she reciprocated.

Then we leave and it's raining, so whe share an umbrella. This was great for escalation too. Grabbed her by her lower back/hip against my body. She crossed her arm in mine. We go to a Syrian restaurant and have a great meal there. She then asks me about my piano playing. I mention that I know where a piano is and she wants me to show her. After the meal, we go there and I go for the kiss after playing the piano theme of Amélie Poulain [not the first time I have used the piano to facilitate a kiss].

I have quite some luck that these old leads appear to have some viablity. The Albanian girl seems to be willing to meet too. I think this makes a good argument for the fact that cold approaching, as a way to meet women, is more reliable and superior to the online alternatives.

26/100
4 numbers
3 dates
2 kisses

 

Went to a city a few days ago and did 4 approaches. One on the train platform, asking the girl if she knew if it would rain. This led to a long conversation on the train. I went for the number close when she debarked but she said her full name instead.

2 approaches about directions. One was a Russian woman who I got the number from but she texted me that she was married. Also approached a Turkish girl in a bar.

31/100
5 numbers

 

Good idea to give yourself feedback @Tilopa. Whilst humans definitely learn by mere experience, there's much to say for taking an active approach to learning

I had a date today. It was with the Albanian girl I approached during the previous set of 100.

I had 2 "dates" with her in April but it never came to any fruition. Back then I felt that there was zero romantic/sexual interest on her part, so I didn't contact her for like a month. Anyway, I decided to text her in May saying that I actually liked her and that I would like to meet again. Exams got in between.

Last week I started to text her again and so today we met for a coffee. Yesterday I took some risk and texted her "If I ask you 'Wear something nice.' would you find that too demanding too?" [she texted me that my invitation for a date "I'm asking you out" was too 'demandig']. She didn't reacted positively to this, saying that it's strange and that she's not sure if she wants to come anymore. I initially experienced a wave of negative thought patterns: "You're a creep for texting this. You're obviously not good with women."

I applied some cognitive techniques on these thoughts, which made the negative feelings go away pretty quickly. I identified some cognitive distortions behind these dysfunctional thoughts [I've been using this method and my mood has increased tremendously].

- catastrophizing: exaggeration of a simple goof-up
- jumping to conclusions: a negative interpration even if there are no definite facts that support this conclusion
- labeling: attaching a negative label to myself ["I suck with women"]
etc.

Which, in return, allowed me to create a more realistic and rational interpretation of reality and put things in perspective. Shout-out to the founders of REBT/CBT, it's already life-changing.

Anyway, I responded to this that maybe we're not looking for the same thing, so that it might indeed be pointless to meet. She said she wanted to meet, so we do.

During the coffee date I make it clear why I approached her. I say that I have interest in her as a man has interest in a woman. During my earlier dates I always hided my intentions. I reasoned that building 'comfort' would pave the way towards intimacy. Now I think it's better to let the girl know that you have a romantic agenda. This doesn't mean that you have to put pressure on the girl. It just means that it's better to walk away and allow the train to crash when there is zero convergence between how you both see the interaction. It also puts your inner game to the test when you're explicitly telling her what you want.

So yeah, that's how she saw me, just a friend who happens to know some things about her country. She says that she never had a boyfriend and that she's not ready to date. The matter of fact is that she is a Christian woman who is conservative [hence her reaction to my cheeky text]. But it looks like she's not really interested to have a man in her life because she's focusing on her career. So I don't even see the point in pursuing the long game because my interpretation is that the door is closed.

The friendzone only exists if you allow yourself to be put there in the first place.

1 approach at the bus stop [but failed to get a conversation going]

32/100

 

Good points! I use the cognitive method to control my own distress and negative thoughts, not to explain women's behavior. Because in reality, I have no way of knowing what goes through her head. If I allow myself to have a blue mood because of the way she responded, then that's because of certain irrational cognitive distortions that go through my mind, not because she says XYZ.

What you say is indeed an example of a more rational response to counter thoughts of self-doubt. You can't predict people's behavior. If she thinks it's inappropriate, then so be it. Some girls might like it, some don't. As a matter of fact, I have also used that text on the Greek-Italian and Iranian woman, whom I both kissed. One "negative" event doesn't necessarily indicate a never-ending pattern of defeat.

It basically boils down to what Epictetus said: "We are not disturbed by what happens to us, but by our thoughts about what happens to us."

Well, I always thought that it was an unwritten rule that if I approach a woman, get her number, and ask her out, it would be very well clear what I'm after, even if my approach is indirect. But this isn't necessarily always the case.

I don't really think there's much to lose when you state your intention during the first date. You may either:

A. state the obvious, i.e. she knows and doesn't disqualify you as a potential romantic partner [then you know that you're on the same page]

B. create confusion, i.e. she sees you as a friend and not as dating potential

Yeah it can be disappointing when B happens, but as long as you respect yourself and don't feel self-conscious because of the fact that you have a sexual desire as a man, then being able to walk away is way more rewarding than staying in her orbit. I think that doing the latter is disingenuous.

Thanks man, I actually thought about one of your posts where you said that you verbalized to a girl on a date the reason why you approached her. I think it's a form of self-respect. When you reject your sexuality, you're not only fooling the girl, but also fooling youself!

I texted my wing and will hit the capital city soon to do some direct daygame.

No more 'should' and 'but' statements.