35 and older accountability, Group 2

Just checking in : i am thankful that I almost forgetting to PM. I am very glad that this choice is taken off from my life since 40 odd days now. This is the day I was waiting for and I am very very pleased with my progress. Thanks for all your support and sharing

 

48 days is a real accomplishment, keep it going brother!

 

You're on the right path with an impressive streak to show for it. Keep moving forward, standing still is Ok, too. Never go backwards. It's not an option.

 

Day 0. Starting from scratch, checking in, ready to push through.

 

Stay on the path brother, thanks for checking in.

 

Check in: Still clean. Was battling a sickness yesterday, but doing okay. This weekend is tough because lots of activities with friends and will be lots of food to enjoy.
What’s working: Daily habit tracking, meditation, exercise, resting when I’m tired instead of going to computer.

 

Yesterday was good. Stressful but productive. No urges or ideas, the spider (as I now call them) was quite. Started the day today with lot of exercise, then finished a report that had been hanging over me for a couple of weeks. I set the intention to remain vigilant today. Often when things settle down or start heading in a stable direction I get complacent. Can't let that happen. Grateful to you all here and for keeping this community together and moving forward.

 

Check in: Another day clean. Watchful of my eyes in public. I had an opportunity to view porn when an old browser of mine had saved tabs. I was alone in the room. I look for a minute and then closed the window and uninstalled the browser.

I am struggling with meditation and recovery the last few days. One challenge is both meditation and recovery are so rewarding when you didn’t do it for some time. But after about a week, they stop being as relaxing or exciting. The discipline and habit take over, but the rewards I feel are lessened. That makes it harder to stay on top of. But also all the more important.

In writing this post, I took a break to ogle random friends of friends women on social media. Another behavior I need to watch out for.

Updating my check in: I am feeling more bored and dull today. In the past that sometimes makes me want to use more. I need to be honest about that feeling here.

 

Great job flyswat sometimes you just have to "white knuckle" it.
I came very close to being triggered yesterday. I was looking for the picture of a lighthouse. The picture was on Pinterest and so I went to the site and was automatically logged in with my password. All of a sudden I was looking at pictures of all the women I had viewed that were dressed in my particular fetish. I tried to delete the files while holding my hand in front of the different pictures. Nothing was working so finally I googled it and found out that the only way to delete files was to delete the entire account. I immediately deleted the account. That was a close one!

 

Last night was not good. I went to sleep feeling disregulated due to a lot of different stressful situations all coming in at the same time. Woke and had the undeniable urge to to PMO. I tried sitting with it like in the past, but was unable to. I bargained with myself to look at arousing videos on YouTube. Which I did for a number of hours. Woke up and continued for another hour. I didn't PMO, but it's about as close to the edge as it gets. The rest of the day has been better. What did I learn:
- Don't go to sleep feeling stressed and resentful.
- There are no bargains I can make with this compulsion/addiction.
- I need to keep building a foundation of healthy mind, healthy body
- I need to journal more, reflect more
- I still have a lot to learn and work toward.

 

That one has taken me down many times. It is like the crack in the door. One of the things that helped me break free from P was fasting from social media.

 

I think I’ll keep it short this week. I’m recovering from a second booster and the kids have all sorts of bugs and possibly even RSV. I’m relieved that the urges have been manageable even though they were quite intense this week. I had to consciously shut down quite a number of p-subs as I was going about my business. I never thought I would be attracted to cartoon moms in children’s books, but apparently that’s how powerful this thing is. So, yeah, I’m hanging in there. Thank god for my wife. I have to seriously applaud the gentlemen on here that also abstain from “O.”

 

Lovingly corrected. My apologies for a comment that made assumptions about your experience. I do agree that feeding the fear that recovery is somehow so difficult that it is impossible isn’t useful.

 

Relapsed last night. Thought I was through with the urges. It was horrible. I have face the fact that I don't think I can stay sober and drink. I hate this.

 

This is a lesson in humility

 

I am experiencing a new breakthrough in my relationship with my significant other.

It started with a sense of challenge. I was desiring to work more on my business, but my partner kept wanting to do things, i spoke to my group and received direction that I am being a bit too ambitoius over my business and i can balance my work and life and family life.

even though it was hard to accept at first, I surrendered to the impulse.

I noticed that I felt so much happier taking time off going to a trip out of town and spending more time cuddling and huggling my partner.

I noticed she is so much happier and expressing love in new ways to me. I realized by withholding my love I was paying a great price due ot my over ambitous.

I am no consciously giving my partner time morning and night and when the call comes, but balancing it with a healthy dose of self care and honoring my work and comittments.

The other day we made love and after about 5 months I did ejaculate a little bit, I noticed how fulfilling my sex life is now compared to before.

I remembered how many years ago I was single (5 yrs) and for about 2 years or so almost completely celibate. I didnt even know if i am ever going to have sex really.

But I had to surrender that impulse and seeking fulfillment in God, Life Truth. And through the goodness of life, i am experiencing all that i ever desired is now coming to me without me having to work for it or try hard.

I am remembering the teachings that says pray for your enemies, keep mind free form human desires and fears by seeking comfort in God, love truth of being, and you will have every desire of your heart.

I am learning todo that more as I realize the feeling of uneases that takes over me at times when I feel I would like to have my own business (apart from my self employed business) and I am learning to fall in love with the service I am doing now and work on my own business in small but consistent bases.

Talk soon

 

Yes bro as they say 1000 times we fall down but 1001 we get right back up again. The only person who never makes a mistake is one who never tried any thing.

You are bound to be successful as you keep showing up courageously one day at a time.

 

congrats bro. 50 days now!

Every day is the same day, no difference the number will change but our devotion to freedom is the same as day 0

 

hey brother, i know the feeling of how our mind can be “tricky“ and manipulative, however in my experience, powerful to me is something that has the inner cause, law or ability to do something. I refuse to say that in relationship to a thought or tempation. I am learning if i label a tempation as powerful and then try to fight against it, it becomes strengthened,

but i am learning there is a way to see those temptations as tricky shadows, lacking any power of their own, except if i believe they have power over me. If i can notice them and not lose my composure and relax and know that my love for fullfilllment is greater than any appearance or mental trickery than i can easily face them and not be annoyed by them nearly as much.

To be more practical, if and when I am tempeted by an appearance of a body part which makes me want to keep fantasizign and i know I am slipping i do this:

* I simply pause and breath and go to prayer, invocation and communion with my source (Higher self, whatever you want to call it)....

"God i know that your grade is here with me. I know that what i deeply want is fulfillment, not pleasure. I know pleasure lasts seconds but fulfillment which is in you is ever present and eternal, so I am now bringing you this lust, desire and wanting more pleasure to you. Remembering that your grace is here with me and that your love sustains me and that your wisdom guides me."

I then breathe and pause a few seconds and I feel a subtle sense of lightness and joy is overtaking me. I then can move on without the need to keep looking or worrying about the temptation.

I no longer think of it as powerful or real, i just see it as like last night's nightmare, trying to get my attention but I now used that for reminding me to pray and renew my connection with my source.

So in that way every temptation becomes my ally helping me to LIVE the life of prayer. Not the old prayer where I am asking god to give me things but rather a prayer where i am recognizing a spiritual presence with me which I am one with and in it I am always fulfilled.

 

I love this perspective.