100 Cold Approaches

Good job @solp

Night game is fine too. Good luck.

I did 2 approaches today after a while...

I had an exam today so I was studying in some sort of study lounge where students sit and study. There is this seperate room where you can sit. I sit there and read a bit. A girl comes in and sits down on one of the seats and she checks her phone. After a while I ask her when this lounge closes. She explains and then I ask her what she studies [criminology]. We talk maybe for 10-15 mins about studies, exams and the like. She seems open to have a chat. She didn't look at her phone when it was pinging from the instant messages she was receiving, good sign. But she didn't really ask me a personal question, besides which exam I had and where I have it, after giving comments about what I study she didn't't really inquire about it, so I knew it wouldn't be a positive if I went for the number. At a certain point I say "Good luck with your exams!" and I continue studying.

After maybe 5 minutes I stand up and I say "Well, I'm off. If you ever want to grab a coffee... I'm in the city sometimes." I just wanted to see how she would react [besides I haven't gotten a number in my home country from a cold approach yet...]. I look at her face and I see a small pause where I suppose she's considering to bite. She rejected me [said she has a boyfriend]. To be honest, it felt good to an approach again that also includes asking for the number... Asking a stranger you've been talking to for like 10 mins is non-obvious.

I see the opportunities are there... a lot of cute female law students on campus. Next semester I will have a small flat at my disposal so I will be able to approach more.

Back towards home, I opened up with a woman on the train who embarked the train from the airport station stop. She was leaving the train at the same stop as me, so when we were waiting at the door of the train, I asked her if she had a good trip whilst I pointed at her luggage. I'm not sure if she understood me because she just nodded... she didn't speak my language. Then I asked her something like "Is the airport far from the trainstation?" [lame...]. It was a bit awkward. Was glad I did it from a courage perspective though.

It would be delusional to think that these incidental 'once every blue moon' approaches will bring you results. But like Kowe said, it's still better than nothing.

41/100

 

I haven't been approaching in a while.

But I guess that once you have approached a fair bit, you have that approach radar integrated in you that is pinging whenever you see a girl. I'm not asserting that I have done mountains of approaches, but during the period I was logging the 100 approaches, I was quite obsessed about it.

Having an approach radar is a blessing and a curse.

Sure, you see opportunities where most men don't see them. Knowing that it's far from impossible to strike up a conversation with a random girl during the day and that this may lead to something more can be like finding a glitch in the matrix.

The flipside is that we aren't hardwired to cold approach. So there's always a conflict of two systems who sabotage each other. You know it's possible, but once you're out there in the tough real world, this belief gets sabotaged by fear and negative self-talk, making the idea of taking action a distant fantasy that only unfolds as scenarios in your head when you're in the mirror saying to yourself "You can do this man. You're good enough."The 'knowing' system soon makes place for our inner usual suspects. Making excuses.

It's no wonder that men actually join "bootcamps" and are willing to pay large sums of money to dating coaches. I even think that the motivation to get feedback is of secondary importance than to have a drill sergeant figure who can make you spur into action. You can just go to a near city and approach. Why would you need to pay another man money for something that is free and you have to do yourself anyway? Well, I think that this question surely doesn't take into account all the internal obstacles that have a habit of getting in your way when you're contemplating an approach...

Enough preamble.

I can add some approaches to my second cold approach counter. I kept 'track' of some approaches I did in the past weeks [I will be adding 7]. Don't get your hopes stacked up. They are all indirect openers that didn't go anywhere. I did two times a "Hey." a few weeks ago with girls I locked eye contact with when crossing paths. I will be counting that as one. One of the girls even smiled and looked behind her shoulder when I did this, but I didin't find the courage to actually start a conversation, although something simple as "How was your day?" might have worked. I remember that this was after an exam where I barely slept the night before, so I was pretty depleted... Another approach was asking girls that left a health shop if the health shop sells vitamin D. I lost the 'chatty vibe' a bit that I had when I was doing this a lot.

Today I was in the city and the sun was shining. A lot of girls were going out to get drinks on the terraces. I went in a supermarket to buy some water and 2 girls entered too. One had a pretty revealing top and she said to her friend "Let's get laid." in this 'slay queen' kind of tone. Then I crossed paths with a group of girls heading to the market place with all the bars. I locked eye contact for what I think was 2 seconds. All this gave the city a dissolute vibe. Then I find myself thinking if I shouldn't indulge more in these pleasures by chasing skirt instead of staying at home at the countryside. Yeah I like this contemplative lifestyle where I can write on my thesis and be productive. I'm eating healthy and exercise regularly so I guess I could 'reap some fruit' by going out there in the real world and get something going on.

I asked two girls at the entrance of a library if I need a reservation to get in. They said yes. "Wow, StoicContemplation. How many eggs and steak are you eating to get the iron balls to reach that level of audacity?" I know, I know. This would be a warm-up at best. But hey, every man has his own little humble program, right?

Will be going to the city tomorrow too. Maybe I can do at least another approach... I think that writing/documentating approaches can help. I remember that in the height of the challenge, I even did approaches *because* I found it fun to write about it. Maybe it's time to get into that mindset again. When it comes to the cold approach skill, it's not just important to have the desire for intimacy, but you must, more importantly, have a burning desire to learn.

48/100

 

So I was in the city again.

When I arrived I had some time before class so I decided to print some copies of slides.

In the copy center there was a cute girl with her boyfriend. After she paid, she said "Oh, I forgot to show my loyalty card." I saw she was a law student because she was printing legal documents and the faculty has these loyalty cards for reduction. I have that card too, so I showed mine "You mean this one?" You could call this barely an approach but if I get back in the game, I think it will take some time before I will be able to pick up the thread again. She said yes and when she eventually left, she smiled at me and I gave her a wink. The boyfriend didn't seem to suspect anything.

During the break of my class, I was walking in the faculty building and I asked a girl "Excuse me, do you know where the closest toilet is?" I asked it in English because I suspected that she was a foreigner. I pointed that out to her because she was wearing a sweater of the University of Rome. She said she was from a country of Central-Europe. I happen to have studied there, so I say that. The conversation takes a personal direction by talking about my time there etc. After a while I end the conversation and I say "Look, if you want to grab a coffee sometime..." and she said OK. I thought I didn't have my phone [I currently don't have smartphone anyway] with me so I entered my number in her phone. Not expecting that she will be taking an initiative but I was glad I asked for the number [I felt the resistence at first, i.e. the rejection avoiding mechanism].

50/100

 

Thanks @Spirituss

I'm stuck too much in the head right now. The fact that I'm writing posts of 750+ words to say that I did like 1 indirect approach says enough.

It's easy to stay at home, do mental masturbation by thinking about cold approaching, and then complain about the lack of female intimacy in life and then say that the world isn't fair etc. I really need to unplug from my brain, get out there in the real world, take more risk and get rejected again.

Yesterday I was reading my older entries of the first 100 cold approaches and how I was getting some minor results. Sure, I was doing this in another country but in reality, I was talking with women everyday. I had a lot of struggels, frustration and approach anxiety, but at least I was taking enough action that allowed me to put my presence in front of enough women to get lucky once in a while. The rules of statistics rewarded me from time to time because I was actually using my legs and voicebox to talk. I'm not doing that right now, and the universe owes me nothing of course. If a man wants the rewards, he has to push the boulder up the hill...

I experienced that buzz again after giving my number to the girl on Thursday. As expected, she didn't text me, but that's just how this essentially works. I remember that I saw she had Tinder on her phone when I entered my number, which made me ponder afterwards "Why would she take the initiative of texting me if she probably has plenty of guys in her DM who want to meet her?". But dwelling on this is really a waste of energy. Why should I care for heaven's sake? It's this too much thinking that keeps me from taking action in the first place.

Will be going to the city next week too. I will be trying to get some more approaches done again. Probably small talk instead of flirting.

 

Did some approaches today.

Had a class today... and I opened up with 3 girls of my class.

1. I entered the door of the faculty building. A girl was walking behind me so I kept the door open until she entered too. I recognized her from class so I ask "You take [course] too, right?". She says yes and then I inquire about a paper we have to write for this class. We talk about class a bit. Then we're waiting at the auditorium and we continue to chat. I sit down and she sits next to me. I do the usual things: ramble, ask open-ended questions and do active listening.

The power of active listening. At a certain point she talks about the subject of her thesis and she seems to complain about the fact that it's not within her interest. She wants to study notary after this but the subject isn't about that. Try to encapsulate the message of the other person in your own words. What is the person trying to say? Which emotion is she conveying?

"You find it a bit pitiful that you're not writing about something you will be using professionally."

She said yes in a very exciting way. Her eyes were lighting up.

She asked me some questions too so it's not that I had to do all the work. When I entered the auditorium I ask for her name, and I say mine. I didn't go for the number or went to talk with her after class.

2. During the break I go to the bathroom. A girl is leaving class and I ask her "Did you find it interesting?" when walking next to her in the hall. She makes some comments on the class etc. Suddenly she is starting to ask me things if they would notice if she left etc. [this class is mandatory but she already signed the attendance paper]. I go out the building with her for a while and she then changes her mind and goes back to the class with me [I first go to the bathroom so I can't manoevre her to sit next to me]. I interpreted this as an IOI and I thought I'd talk with her again after class. But she left a bit earlier. Weird girl.

I think there was some pre-selection going on because at the beginning of the class she asked me "Is this [course]?" after she saw me talking to the first girl. I think she knew exactly that it was this class. Did she go indirect on me?

3. After class I'm walking down the stairs with a friend. Another girl of my class is walking before me. I ask her "Is that a good song?" because I saw she was scrolling Spotify on her smartphone. She smiles and seems to go along with it. I make some comments like "You need that song to relax after class, right?". I then talk about class - which at this point is almost a routine - and make it a bit playful. I say things like "You will go to the library to work on that paper immediately right?" The girl plays along! A few more exchanges of words and then I say "Good luck.". I don't know why I ejected myself. I should have at least asked for her name!

Well... I didn't think I would managed to do approaches this week. A university campus is a good place to meet women. Arguably better than the street. But the street is good for practice and the abundance of options of course.

"If you are a young man and are looking for real life to be more rewarding or satisfying, you have to realize it's not going to happen while you're buried in a game or waiting on the sidelines. You are going to have to go outside and participate in it. When you're too busy looking down at your mobile phone or laptop, you aren't going to see the chances you miss. You may even start to develop the false belief that there are no opportunities to connect with others or get ahead in the world except for those found through technology. So turn off your digital identity and turn on yourself. Map out the steps to become the man that you would want to be friends with and do business with." Philip Zimbardo, Man Interrupted

Was reading this and it made me realize... things won't be falling on my lap. Action and risk taking is necessary.

Even small steps are better than nothing: when I was commuting to the city I asked a girl on the platform a "does this train go to ___?" question.

54/100

 

I went to the city because I had to return some books to the library.

Part of me was thinking "I should do at least one approach before going back home."

I'm glad I did.

I was in the library and I was looking for some books I need for a paper.

I then see a girl sitting somewhere studying. I recognize her because she used to be in my class in another city of the same university. She also recognizes me and she smiles.

Now I guess this is a warm approach. However, I never talked to her. I didn't know her name [she knew mine apparently]. But when I eventually pass her, I just say "How are you?" like I know her. We just talk for about 10-15 mins. The conversation was pleasant. Towards the end I propose to continue the conversation another time. She says OK but only as friends. I say something like "Don't worry, I won't seduce you." She has a boyfriend [saw the picture of him with her as her background] and says that she would consider me if she was single. I didn't have my phone in my pocket so I entered my number in her phone. Not that this type of number exchange is the way to go, but at that point it wasn't that relevant anymore. I'm not expecting that she will text me but I was reading a book of Philip Zimbardo I quoted yesterday and he advices men to make female friends. Maybe I should keep that option open too.

So yeah... my second number from daygame in my own country [although I gave my number away in these two instances].

Before that approach I just asked another girl who was studying where I can find the history section. Should have tried to engage in conversation, ask her what she's writing etc. These little passive/formal approaches are good too I think: if you can't manage to do these little things, how would you ever be able to do the big things right?

I walk out of the faculty building and I see a lot of girls walking around. Nice weather. Some of them make eye contact. I had too much internal hurdles to do some street sarging. When I see a pretty girl and fancy the idea of approaching, I suddenly think I'm the centre of the world. Everyone will care. Nonsense of course. Doing this solo is hard, but then again, who would hold your hand? I guess that having a mentor is important.

I think it's good to formulate a concrete action plan if you start cold approaching. For example:

- I will go to the city and will do at least 2 approaches before going back home
- I will do 4 approaches: 3 indirect as a warm up and 1 direct for the courage
- I will buy a bottle of water, but only after I have done an approach

56/100

 

3 approaches today

First was not really anything special. Went to the library and asked a girl at the entrance if I need a reservation. Tried to engage in a conversation but I ejected.

Second was in a print shop. I was writing an mail there and I ask a girl "Would you end a mail with ____?". I don't think that itemizing everything said during the conversation here will lead to a deeper understanding of the approaching experience or a heightened level of awareness of myself. Maybe it's just better to say what I could do better next time. What might I do differently?

I ejected myself from the conversation too early. I tried to ramble about a mail I was writing. The girl didn't give me much to work on but she held eye contact and didn't look disturbed or annoyed. It's like I enter a cold shower and get out quickly. Try to sustain the interaction, even if it means that she will end it. I guess it's a rejection-avoiding mechanism. I think I subconsciously want to avoid that rejection so I end the conversation to "safeguard" my ego from that sting. Take some more risk, man.

The third entailed a chat. Went to a study lounge and sat down next to a girl. Asked her if she needed to use the socket. I tried to get a conversation going on from this, but failed. But when I left, she remarked "That's fast.". I made a comment about the battery of my laptop and inquire about hers. We chat for a while. I ask her name but I didn't go for the number although I think I had a good chance since she asked me personal questions, made good eye contact etc. Chats like these, conversations with female students in an indoor setting, used to be the chats that led to dates during my first approaches. But I wasn't that attracted to be honest.

I noticed there was a girl staring at us when I was chatting. Lamenting the fact that not a lot of guys talk to women anymore? I don't know. Advice to myself: don't be so preoccupied with your surroundings. Be in the moment. Shut down your inner voice and focus on the interaction. If you're looking around, you're taxing your working memory with trivial information that you might interpret as XYZ. Be detached.

I'm also worried sometimes that I may come over as needy. So when I was standing up and we started talking I didn't want to sit again so that it may look like I'm very interested. I once read that it's better for a conversation if you're on the same level (i.e. standing-standing, sitting-sitting). This essentially boils down to the same issue as ejecting myself too early from the conversation: avoiding rejection.

It's still not enough frequency to make substantive improvements and get results, but I will try to get some more approaches in the pocket this week.

59/100

 

So I was in the city again.

Saying that I have "pushed myself to the limit" in terms of cold approaching today, would be a total abberation from the truth. In reality, I really did less than the minimum.

I did 2 formal approaches in the library of psychology. I asked a girl something about reservations, but this didn't lead to a personal conversation.

A bit later I asked a girl if I can use the monitors that are on the tables of the library. This almost led to a personal conversation. When I said "I don't come here often." she said "Me neither. I just come here because I need books for ___". With that statement, she gave me some free information I inquired about. Then I asked her if the main distinction at the faculty is clinical vs. corporate psychology. She was starting to elaborate but then her friend came, the conversation ended.

I guess you can tell that I'm mainly trying to get a conversation going on rather than to engage in flirting. There are different ways to break the ice of course.

There were more options in the library. Girl making eye contact... but I didn't have the balls to just go up to her and talk. I always need to find a way to make it look 'normal'.

"Oh to reach the point of death and realize one has not lived at all." - Thoreau

That's how I feel sometimes when it comes to my inaction. But always in hindsight. Hindsight is 20/20.

My inner game needs some work. But what better way to approach more instead of writing here? I guess doing this is better than absolutely nothing. I did at least the minimum of 5 approaches/week.

61/100