It started in the way that it usually does, a flirt here, a flirt there with girls online as the desire and cravings build up. I wasn't watchful and it turned into masturbation, which turned into hitting up girls and sexting, which turned into edging, which turned into watching porn, which turned into orgasm. Yesterday I did this all throughout the night, then I slept 5 hours and continued engaging in these behaviors. It's almost 5 pm now and I just relapsed after I spent all day binging. I have messed it up, I have let myself down, I have let God down. However, I do not feel sorry for myself. If anything, this has made me realise that I deserve whatever punishment I am experiencing. I don't care if my dick will ever work normally again or not, I don't care if the pain goes away or not, I don't care if I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Anything that has happened to me in life, I have already deserved a thousand times and I feel so thankful that I have the opportunities that I have, that I have this forum, that I have the chance to better my life. I made it to 154 days and I did not think that I would ever get this far. The days are unimportant, it's the lifestyle that matters and even though I have fucked up bad, I still have this lifestyle. I'm going to clean up, take a shower, make myself some tea and some food and get back in the saddle.
