A New Beginning (Long post!)

Hey Folks. Newbie here. Male, 20, nearly 21. Lots to get off my chest, hopefully it can help you relate.

Background

Here's the run-down. (I'm very careful about keeping my public image, so nobody's heard this story before. Here goes.)

I first discovered masturbation in my early teens/late adolescence - I'm not sure of the exact age, though it was probably around 13, give or take a year. I had no idea what I was doing. I hadn't been exposed to sex.

I went through my childhood and early teens with an idea of what porn was, but I honestly couldn't see why anyone would be interested in it. I thought it was disgusting, and never thought that I could have a problem with it. Perhaps that was my biggest mistake.

I gradually grew more consistent in my habits over the first few years and have remained in roughly the same place on average (with quite a bit of variance) for the past several. I'm now 20 and never really saw it as an addiction until around a year or two ago. I've had some success in the past, occasionally stopping for months at a time, but this was never really the product of a concerted effort and more the result of happenstance (e.g. going away to work at a summer camp where I had little privacy etc.). In none of these cases did I have what people with a PMO addiction needed most - a support network. I was always too afraid and ashamed to open up about it. I've made some small confessions to a few people but always talked about my struggles as a past issue and never entered into accountability.

I still am too afraid to talk about things openly with people I know for fear of ruining relationships. I have everything together on the outside. Maybe my anonymous accountability here will help me open up IRL. Or maybe what I find here will be all I need. Whatever happens, I know something needs to change.

Motivation

Everyone here has their own motivation for quitting. I personally happen to be a Christian. If you don't relate and aren't curious, you can skip this paragraph as it may get jargon-y. Anyway, having this problem has put a serious damper on my spiritual life. I know what I do is wrong, and I can't stand it, yet I do it anyway. I feel like the words of Paul in Romans 7:15 sum things up perfectly: "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." I know that no amount of sin can separate me from the love of Christ, and that it is by faith alone and not works that I am redeemed. Still, I'm disheartened by my lack of progress and, while I know I shouldn't place demands on God, I can't help but find myself doubting the sanctification process.

My other main motivation for quitting is my life dream of being a strong, dependable, devoted, loving father/husband. It's really all I want. Call me a sap, a dreamer, or a hopeless romantic if you want, but I'll take on those labels with pride. With that in mind, I've heard stories of the terrible havoc pornography can wreak on otherwise perfect marriages. If I even so much as think about the tears in the eyes of my eventual wife who I love more than life itself... I just can't bear it. That's not the kind of man I want to be, and it's not who God's called me to be either.

(I'm also secondarily motivated by the effects on, e.g., my studies, and the lack of willpower and ambition I've seen lately. I'm only just now seriously reading up on that. If anything, all that's just icing on the cake.)


IN CONCLUSION

This, I'm hoping, represents a turning point. I've come across such points before, but none like this. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm ready.

TL;DR
No tl;dr. Please actually read if you can spare two minutes.