Any advice for girlfriends ?

Since you have a girlfriend, whenever you have urge, can't you go and hug, kiss, fondle, make out with your girlfriend. And have sex and orgasm. After orgasm your urge will go away and you'll have more control over watching porn and masturbation. And it will also increase your bonding with your girlfriend.

And also when you have urge, at least go talk to your girlfriend and share all your urges. And tell her that you want to share all these sexual feelings only with her and no one else. And tell her how beautiful she is and how attractive she is.

 

No, you're not using your lover as urge management tool. Everybody has urge, even your girlfriend has urge. And in a relationship, we help each other emotionally, mentally, physically, economically and spiritually. While watching porn and masturbating is wrong, but having sex with your lover isn't wrong. When you have sex with your girlfriend every time, you're bonding with her. Of course you'll have to consider about her, but if she has no problem having sex then there is nothing wrong. And who else has the better right to your sexual feelings other than your partner/lover.

 

Invest you sexual energy into her. Make her feel like she is the only queen in your life. Make her feel like only she can satisfy you. Make her feel special. Don't let porn or masturbation feed on your energy, which returns nothing but emptiness. But with your girlfriend, you'll have a meaningful life, a real life.

 

One of many reasons to keep your problems to yourself (or friends or professionals).

You should be her rock, not a weak guy that is struggling with an addiction. The best way to make her feel again confortable and trust his man is that you get yourself together and show her that you are over this carppy thing. That you are confident about solving it and is not going to be a issue anymore. Stop talking about it, leave it in the past, work it on your own, keep her outside of it. That's the only way she is going to start to trust your masculine core again and feel confortable again with his man. Keep showing weakness to her and she is going to really struggle to keep her attraction to you and is going to be unconfortable with you.

 

Is she in therapy? She could be experiencing betrayal trauma. If she hasn't gotten into therapy, I would strongly recommend it.
Also, having sex with her could cause the chaser effect, which makes your cravings and urges worse. You can read more about it on this page

https://nofap.com/rebooting/

 

Using a woman as a porn and masturbation replacement is turning her from a person into a sexual tool. That's not how this works. Also, if they break up all he's done is change a porn and masturbation habit into a different habit that'll fall right back to where he was. It's not a long term solution.

Also, maybe the girlfriend doesn't want to hear about every single urge. She has the right to set boundaries around what she is told and isn't.

 

Odds are she's hurting in one way or another. If that's true, at least from my personal experience, the last thing she wants is to be having sex with you.

I don't agree with @p1n1983 's thought process very often, but he is right that you need to own this and let her come back to you. It's also a real possibility she may not come back to you. She's a girlfriend, not a therapist or a sponsor. It's good to have hard conversations with her, it's good to be vulnerable and open. It's not good to RELY on her for your sobriety and changes. That motivation has to come from within.

As for how to deal with urges. I used Fortify's courses. They were helpful. I also did a good amount of reading and found a therapist.

 

Let her girlfriend decide that. Don't use maybe on how someone else feel.

 

Excellent observation!

 

Agreed. He shouldn't dump on her unless it is consensual both ways. It's gonna take a conversation.