Being "behind" in life due to PMO addiction & it's impact on dating

JaMorant01

JaMorant01

Fapstronaut
I'm in a situation where I have done alot of inner work for a few years, you could call me fairly charismatic, confident and comfortable at least in a somewhat platonic (I'm still a virgin) social environment but this does not match the reality of my situation and what is expected of me at my age.

I just turned 24, and I just don't have my shit together yet, I'm back on track and I'm learning again to process my emotions especially emotions I get when seeing a girl and having a good time.
I'm confused I guess because altho I think it's very much a part of the recovery to get out there and learn and experience dating and all these things, they are wonderful when you meet the right person(s), I also understand that I do not meet the expectations some of these women have because I dress nice, I take care of myself and I'm confident.

This is how I'm seeing it at least, maybe I am overthinking it I'm not sure, should I just cut off all contact and focus on me until I get out of my mom's house, buy a car and just be more of a man and less of a "loser" (don't calling anybody a loser btw but a man needs to learn to take care of himself and I'm aware of that) or should I just experience whatever there is to experience anyways even if it means rejection and loss of respect potentially ?

It may actually sound dumb but my mind is like thinking that playing the long game and just letting go until I sort those things out might be more sensible, I guess it may be the ego at play not wanting to lose the appreciation and respect of somebody out of scarcity too
 
With or without a car or house you still will face rejection. Having both does help but only to a certain extent. Having limited dating experience at 24 is somewhat common, that's relatively young and you shouldn't be embarrassed about it. Try to go out and meet some new girls this year.
 
onceaking said:
That is a young age.

You say you're behind but on who's terms? Some of us are late bloomers and it takes us time to be where we want to be.
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Thanks for the reply, I think it's mostly ego backlash, I'm really at the beginning of really picking back up the pieces of my own mental health & wellbeing and moving forward with life. I may seek help from a therapist just so I have someone to talk to about this stuff
 
Mob Barley said:
With or without a car or house you still will face rejection. Having both does help but only to a certain extent. Having limited dating experience at 24 is somewhat common, that's relatively young and you shouldn't be embarrassed about it. Try to go out and meet some new girls this year.
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I met a girl and things are moving quick, I don't wanna have expectations but so far she is a good match, my biggest worry currently is PIED, I just can't get hard when things get intimate, still haven't tried for sex. My day counter is flawed, I don't believe in counting days anymore but i'm going to hit 3 weeks, one of the longer streaks I've had in 2 years, I've yet to blossom
 
Getting your stuff together financially is one thing. That’s something you can be upfront about, and let them decide. I think it’s smart to get your living and transport situations squared away before actively seeking relationships, but I wouldn’t turn down an opportunity to date just because that’s still in process. Getting your stuff together physically and psychologically, though, is an issue.

The PIED isn’t, in my opinion, such an issue in itself as it’s indicative of a much stronger psychological dependence on porn, and an entire mindset surrounding sex. Those are the things you absolutely need to fix in yourself before you are good to enter into an emotionally intimate relationship. By the time you fix those, your physical sensitivity should have the opposite problem.

Again, this is something you can be upfront about. If she’s okay with the fact that you can only go 3 weeks without using porn, that’s between the two of you. As a married guy, though, I wouldn’t consider making myself romantically available unless I had already proven to myself I could go 90 days, and not crave it the entire time. That would be sufficient proof, I would hope, that I had found an equilibrium and was no longer dependent on porn.
 
Meshuga said:
Getting your stuff together financially is one thing. That’s something you can be upfront about, and let them decide. I think it’s smart to get your living and transport situations squared away before actively seeking relationships, but I wouldn’t turn down an opportunity to date just because that’s still in process. Getting your stuff together physically and psychologically, though, is an issue.

The PIED isn’t, in my opinion, such an issue in itself as it’s indicative of a much stronger psychological dependence on porn, and an entire mindset surrounding sex. Those are the things you absolutely need to fix in yourself before you are good to enter into an emotionally intimate relationship. By the time you fix those, your physical sensitivity should have the opposite problem.

Again, this is something you can be upfront about. If she’s okay with the fact that you can only go 3 weeks without using porn, that’s between the two of you. As a married guy, though, I wouldn’t consider making myself romantically available unless I had already proven to myself I could go 90 days, and not crave it the entire time. That would be sufficient proof, I would hope, that I had found an equilibrium and was no longer dependent on porn.
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Appreciate the advice very much, I think what's best then is that despite my current feelings I should put it on hold until I 'm a better human and man
 
I think men are more concerned about those things than women are. It's not about whether you live with your parents (you're also very young and I would say it's very normal for someone your age to be living with parents and not have a career figured out). Those expectations come from a time when you could support a family on close to a minimum wage job. So it's not about whether you live with them, it's what you do with it.

Live with your parents and have healthy hobbies, stay active? Help them with maintenance of the living space and help keep the space clean without them handing you a chore chart? Help out with older relatives because you love them and take care of people you love? Try to give back as much support as they give you? All good and wonderful. Husband material 100%. My husband lived at home when I met him. He was a vital part of his family's life and took care of them as much as they took care of him. Put off some weekend time with me because he mowed his aging grandparents' yard and took care of his responsibilities first. Saved his money wisely. I owned my own home, etc, and it never bothered me at all.
Live with your parents and play video games too much/daily? Do parents take care of more than 2/3 share of work around the house? Do they prepare food for you and you never prepare food for your family? Do they do your laundry instead of you doing theirs? Do you spend money foolishly because of lower expenses living at home? Absolute turn off.
It's the "mama's boy" thing. Women don't hate Mama's boys. We don't want to date men who have been normed to be treated like toddlers by the main women in their lives. Or who have been normed to treat their mothers like toddlers. Healthy loving relationship with their mother is a huge green flag.

100% a man bent over his phone with his junk in his own hand is always a huge turn off. A man wanting to go pmo is a huge turn off. Definitely focus on getting well into recovery before starting anything, but also realize that these other things you're worried about are just not really big deals at your age to actual women looking for long term stable relationships.
 
SanctuaryWife said:
I think men are more concerned about those things than women are. It's not about whether you live with your parents (you're also very young and I would say it's very normal for someone your age to be living with parents and not have a career figured out). Those expectations come from a time when you could support a family on close to a minimum wage job. So it's not about whether you live with them, it's what you do with it.

Live with your parents and have healthy hobbies, stay active? Help them with maintenance of the living space and help keep the space clean without them handing you a chore chart? Help out with older relatives because you love them and take care of people you love? Try to give back as much support as they give you? All good and wonderful. Husband material 100%. My husband lived at home when I met him. He was a vital part of his family's life and took care of them as much as they took care of him. Put off some weekend time with me because he mowed his aging grandparents' yard and took care of his responsibilities first. Saved his money wisely. I owned my own home, etc, and it never bothered me at all.
Live with your parents and play video games too much/daily? Do parents take care of more than 2/3 share of work around the house? Do they prepare food for you and you never prepare food for your family? Do they do your laundry instead of you doing theirs? Do you spend money foolishly because of lower expenses living at home? Absolute turn off.
It's the "mama's boy" thing. Women don't hate Mama's boys. We don't want to date men who have been normed to be treated like toddlers by the main women in their lives. Or who have been normed to treat their mothers like toddlers. Healthy loving relationship with their mother is a huge green flag.

100% a man bent over his phone with his junk in his own hand is always a huge turn off. A man wanting to go pmo is a huge turn off. Definitely focus on getting well into recovery before starting anything, but also realize that these other things you're worried about are just not really big deals at your age to actual women looking for long term stable relationships.
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Thanks for this beautiful message, I'm taking notice and 100% agree with everything you just said
 
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