Concentrating on the Target

So my streak has reached 105 days today. The lustful thoughts have reduced a lot compared to pass 3 weeks as well.
Unfortunately yesterday night I had a wet dream. This was the second time since my streak started last February. The day went by without any further thoughts. I decided to help with cooking to keep myself busy till the afternoon, just to keep my mind occupied.

My daydreaming is still a bit of a problem. I think a bit more than I should about school friends and all now. I am now actively trying to curb that as well.

A thing that keeps bothering me is the fact about when to let go. Some of the friends I have from school, I feel that if I don't contact them at regular intervals, the relationship is completely over. They do talk back when I reach out ( messaging mostly) but I get a feeling that they are not as enthusiastic as me. If then feel keep feeling that relationship is almost completely done for if I decide to stop( and I guess it's true too, if I refrain from reaching out over the next 2 years or so, they wouldn't even remember me at all). I don't know what to do in these kind of relationships. Do I just let go.

My guitar lessons are coming on okay. I have almost finished learning one more song.

My bachelor's degree is completely over. I am completely free till mid August. I have a few ideas to pass the time. I have lined up a few books on psychology to read, a couple books on investing and guitar lessons to keep my busy. I have decided to not do anything related to coding for now anyway. I am not sure if it's a good idea, I'll most likely wasting the time istead of learning some new technology and all.

 

#296

198 day streak and I lose control today.
Yesterday early morning 5 am I had a wet dream and the entire day i couldn't shake of my sexual thoughts and somehow made it through thinking it would be over by the next day. Today again the entire day i was constantly hit with sexual thoughts and finally at 12 at night I lost control, browsed for porn and masturbated again.

The last six months seemed surreal, I felt really happy and was gonna write about it here as well, but thr past 40 hours, I couldn't shake it off at all and lost everything I worked to reach till now.
Half a year free from PMO and I had to mess up today.
I am cursing at myself in front of the bathroom mirror at what I have done.
I thought I had beat porn for good but now I am still struggling I guesss.
I have to not let this get to my head, but I am really afraid now.

 

I didn't know about PAWS. Thank you a lot for that article ❤.

 

#311:
I watched the same porn again on 31st aug midnight.
Then for 10 days I managed to get away but watched again on Sep 10. After that I found a way to get my blockers set again.
I had to get rid of my previous blocks last month when I joined job in order to install my company software on my phone. I thought I would be able to resist since it's been so long and I thought I was over, but I was wrong big time. I managed to setup blocks again. But from Sept 10 on various days I masturbated before sleeping.
I feel I sometimes forget the consequences this addiction has had on my life and I relapse.
The previous 6 months without porn really felt like the most happy period of my life till now.
On Sept 22 midnight , I got a music video and I relapsed to that because the urges were very strong. The very next day I masturbated first thing in the morning.

I had mentioned a few posts back about some friends who I thought would never contact me if I stopped messaging them first. I was especially sad about losing two of them. I did it anyway and the first of them messaged me a month back. I was really surprised at that.
And the second person, messaged me today. This was the first time she messaged to just to say hi. We talked for half an hour over call today. (A lot of silence in the call though, it wasn't as smooth as I wanted it to be. I called a lot of old friends over the last 6 months and talked for upto couple hours with them. I guess in this case I was too concentrated on trying to keep it going that I messed up).

I was battling with urges yesterday and today, but the moment I saw that message yesterday it stopped. Even today again that feeling of masturbation and lustful thoughts don't cross my mind right now. It feels the same way(atleast today) as a couple months back.
Today I feel like I remember what I lose when I waste my time on porn and then spend a few days beating myself up for relapsing and then repeat again and again.

 

#314
Today morning I had a wet dream. And after waking up, I indulged unwanted thoughts and again in the evening. I have tried to always shut them off when they come but this time I let it and it led to porn.
I had web series downloaded. A regular one but which had sex scenes and I ended up watching only those for 2 hours and fapping.
I have decided to keep track of all times I do edging as well. Previously two times this month I had scrolled through triggering photos but didn't get around to fapping. I have decided to count those as relapses as well.

Today when I was watching, I kept having a feeling of "do I want this" all the time. In between it felt even uninteresting but I kept at it for some reason. Even after watching for 2 hours I felt more annoyed as well as disgusted. Like a feeling of what a waste of time or more like I have to get over this urge to get back to actual useful stuff.
These sexual thoughts that surface sometime feel like a hindrance and liability now.

 

#335 . The past 2 months were very bad again. I have lost control multiple times. I watched P 5 times, all of them in between movies and masturbated a lot a number of days.

Today as I write this, I had the laptop my father uses with me and it had no blockers (like my laptop and phone), so I used it to download porn, copied to phone and watched on my phone.

Nowadays I really find it hard to come back and confess I relapsed on NoFap. I keep feeling I am letting everyone down by not being able to keep myself away from porn.

I have an entire week holiday and I am off to a very bad start today. I am really lost now.

Almost everyday for the past 30 days, I go for running in the morning, practice guitar and even then I relapsed multiple times.

Same case today as well. It was a good day today but at night I got frustrated doing some work for my mother and at midnight I watch porn.

I really thought I had it under control but it seems all the restrain I have is because of the blocks on my devices. The moment I see an opportunity I lose my restraint.

 

#345: I had a good streak of 43 days since my last entry here. But last Sunday night, I was scrolling through Prime video and ended up seeing a movie with intimate scenes and I relapsed again. After that for the next few days I mastirbated multiple times and today I again relapsed to another movie (not overly sexual movie). The past week was really bad. Work seemed very repititve and boring I guess. I keep messing up. After my 180 day streak, i had multiple relapses and then got this 43 day streak so i though i would be over porn by now but again I go back.
What i dont understand is that most of the days of the streak I have almost zero urge to watch and then suddenly out of nowhere i relapse and again fail repeatedly for days.

Daily check-ins seems like a good idea, but I always tend to get caught up with work nowadays. I relapse in the few periods where I actually get some time for myself. Wasting the time and also regretting it later for days.