Confused and depressed

Hello,

I am fairly new to the community and I needed to share what I am going through. It's been very hard to find non-judgemental friends to whom I can express what I'm going through. Though I have made some progress in the last 3 weeks like quitting pot, cigarettes and alcohol, it has been a shitty morning thus far.

Today has been very tough in terms of me questioning my self-worth and my ability to have a normal healthy relationship. I woke up thinking about why this girl was avoiding me and its been making me feel like shit all day. I was supposed to watch the lunar eclipse with her but she bailed on me, and she has been avoiding me for the last few weeks. I was out on Thursday night and got another girl's number but I know she doesn't wanna sleep with me, I feel she was just using me to get one of my contacts in the media. I hate being a pushover : (

My dilemma is that because of watching P (bi,trans,gay) that didn't align with my true sexual orientation and also having bi experiences out of curiousity/sex addiction, I am having trouble letting go of those images in my head that flash from time to time. I am trying not to identify with it but it is proven to be hard. I have also come to realise that I would seek same-sex experiences because I was not having any luck with the opp. sex. I feel an intense guilt and shame that out of desperation I sought those experiences. It makes me deeply sad and I am questioning whether I will ever be worth a beautiful woman's love? Will she accept me for all that I have been through? It is killing me from the inside.

I still intend to continue my streak even though this has probably been the hardest day yet.

 

Hey @aldebr. Thank you for your words. I really appreciate your support. If only we were warned of the negative effects of watching too much P. I too had a 2 experiences with trans women and felt ashamed after my experience with them. I was addicted to Craigslist personals, where it started with women then moved on to escorts/guys/trans. I am so glad they shut that shit down!!! It ruined a good part of my twenties when I should have been putting myself out there and talking to and sleeping with women. Although I did sleep with quite a lot of genuine women in my twenties, PMOing/craigslist personals definitely skewed my perception of them and I was unable to have a meaningful relationship with any of them.

However crazy the circumstances of the past appear to be, the reality is that we have made a commitment to remove a harmful behaviour from our lives and every one of us deserves kudos for making that commitment to our long term betterment.

I know it can be hard fully recovering from the effects of PMOing after a long time, (18 years in my case) and yesterday was a prime example of the bad days that can potentially befall a recovering addict even if there have been some amazing days in between. I am almost completing a month and I know the best is ahead of me. I am striving for a 90 days reboot and almost a third of the way there : )

I am truly grateful for the NoFap community! Reading others' stories does help put things in perspective and it is cathartic on some levels. I have come to understand that it is an everyday struggle that we need to learn to accept and deal with in a healthy way.