Confused and depressed

[happy camper]

Hello,

I am fairly new to the community and I needed to share what I am going through. It's been very hard to find non-judgemental friends to whom I can express what I'm going through. Though I have made some progress in the last 3 weeks like quitting pot, cigarettes and alcohol, it has been a shitty morning thus far.

Today has been very tough in terms of me questioning my self-worth and my ability to have a normal healthy relationship. I woke up thinking about why this girl was avoiding me and its been making me feel like shit all day. I was supposed to watch the lunar eclipse with her but she bailed on me, and she has been avoiding me for the last few weeks. I was out on Thursday night and got another girl's number but I know she doesn't wanna sleep with me, I feel she was just using me to get one of my contacts in the media. I hate being a pushover : (

My dilemma is that because of watching P (bi,trans,gay) that didn't align with my true sexual orientation and also having bi experiences out of curiousity/sex addiction, I am having trouble letting go of those images in my head that flash from time to time. I am trying not to identify with it but it is proven to be hard. I have also come to realise that I would seek same-sex experiences because I was not having any luck with the opp. sex. I feel an intense guilt and shame that out of desperation I sought those experiences. It makes me deeply sad and I am questioning whether I will ever be worth a beautiful woman's love? Will she accept me for all that I have been through? It is killing me from the inside.

I still intend to continue my streak even though this has probably been the hardest day yet.

 

[aldebr]

Hey man, sorry to hear you're going through a tough time. My story isn't that different though it's been mostly trans, only recently escalating to some gay stuff. For the last couple of months I've almost driven myself insane with self-examination (were all those crushes on girls real etc) and I've seen a therapist.
The attitude I'm trying to stick with right now is that eliminating porn is the most important thing, I've the rest of my life to figure everything else out.
So I don't know if it's any help to hear that someone else is experiencing similar, but I wish you the best of luck.

 

[happy camper]

Hey @aldebr. Thank you for your words. I really appreciate your support. If only we were warned of the negative effects of watching too much P. I too had a 2 experiences with trans women and felt ashamed after my experience with them. I was addicted to Craigslist personals, where it started with women then moved on to escorts/guys/trans. I am so glad they shut that shit down!!! It ruined a good part of my twenties when I should have been putting myself out there and talking to and sleeping with women. Although I did sleep with quite a lot of genuine women in my twenties, PMOing/craigslist personals definitely skewed my perception of them and I was unable to have a meaningful relationship with any of them.

However crazy the circumstances of the past appear to be, the reality is that we have made a commitment to remove a harmful behaviour from our lives and every one of us deserves kudos for making that commitment to our long term betterment.

I know it can be hard fully recovering from the effects of PMOing after a long time, (18 years in my case) and yesterday was a prime example of the bad days that can potentially befall a recovering addict even if there have been some amazing days in between. I am almost completing a month and I know the best is ahead of me. I am striving for a 90 days reboot and almost a third of the way there : )

I am truly grateful for the NoFap community! Reading others' stories does help put things in perspective and it is cathartic on some levels. I have come to understand that it is an everyday struggle that we need to learn to accept and deal with in a healthy way.