Escaping BDSM OCD

leavingpornbehind

New Fapstronaut
For literally as long as I can remember, I've been into BDSM. Dom. I've watched sooooo much hardcore BDSM porn throughout the years.
In adulthood, I read a post talking about how if you liked self bondage you might want that domination and merely have trust issues. I had experimented with self bondage when I was younger. My mind hyperfixated (I have OCD tendencies) on this despite my trying and disliking submission in various mediums and this began my almost two year series of intrusive thoughts where I'm a sub or switch. I experimented with self bondage when younger under the influence of adderall (hyper strange sex drive and I stopped). I did this for several years but stopped and upon trying it years later, I did not like it. When I was younger, I had almost experimented with cross dressing which makes me think I merely sexually imprinted on images of women tied up and wanted them to be me.

In the background over the few years, the porn of women in bondage had grown a bit stale so now it was more male/transwoman bondage. I've experimented with men and I don't like it. Women have tried domming me too, ones I trust. I don't like it.
I think I genuinely burned out my dopamine receptors for my usual fetishes. I watched femdom porn for the men getting dommed (burned out on women being dommed) and ever sense I developed this fear, I can't stop seeing women in this dom light.

Why I stopped watching porn is because I get these intrusive thoughts about being dominated. Now I AM transposing myself in these situations where once I wasn't. Wondering how it would feel. I read a post here speaking on how over time, they did the same with their type of porn where this wasn't at all the case. I have to will myself to imagine what I DO want and because it's forceful, it at some level feels fake. But I imagine that's because I've been masturbating multiple times, upwards of 3-10 a day for years. A side note. Along the time when my OCD thoughts took over, I was dealing with insecurity regarding my masculinity, manhood, competence, and ability to deal with both my own emotions without being soothed. So I think this has also affected things my incentive to assume that role again.

This is all extremely distressing. I want to know I can go back to enjoying BDSM, being a dom. I know Nofap is about more than abstaining from porn, sex. A lifestyle if you will. But man, ever since I was a literal child (without porn), BDSM and being a dom has been a part of my psyche. I don't want it perverted. Even the vanilla innocent thoughts of a girl holding your head while you kiss or initiating physical contact is tinged with the ideas of femdom. Can't do this, man.
 
I am in a very similar situation with constant confusion, shame and fear over submissive thoughts I feel I never used to have. I remember as a teenager I loved to be the one in control; setting orders, making a woman squirm, being the guy in the driving seat basically. I would watch BDSM porn a lot, maledom to begin with then slowly female-on-female domming then I discovered P-games that let you PLAY as the woman you want to dominate. Slowly I wanted to become that woman - the subject - and found an outlet on Second Life. I had kind of come to terms that I was a switch and even tried subbing to a few partners, but similar to you nothing 'clicked', it just wasn't a turn on. That went on for years until eventually I had a one night stand a few years ago where she said something that I interpreted as dominant, triggering a complete short-circuit/breakdown. It suddenly became clear. I was a sub now.

The OCD was sending me insane until I switched therapists and realized the root problem was my addiction to P. That was nearly a year ago and I can tell you now, you won't feel like this forever. It's painful, but you have to accept your submissive desires - absolutely no point denying you have them, they're there for now. Once you've done that things get much easier. Ultimately you get to choose if you want to sub or not, these desires are not pre-ordained and there's nothing shameful about not acting on them. Denying them in your mind however will slowly drive you mad and only make them stronger, so accept them for what they are.
I would also add, SO WHAT! So what if you have a submissive side? many doms do and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. Once you internalize this truth, the issue becomes smaller and I guarantee you'll begin to forget about it.

Lastly I will say what most guys say on here regarding fetishes, that they get easier and easier to manage the longer you abstain from porn. The horny 'brain fog' that comes from constant P watching is likely causing you to see the world within the context of porn. Everyone is dom, sub, slut, domme etc. Stopping all P gets your brain out that mindset and it's honestly totally changed my life. I have felt dominant urges and fantasies that I haven't felt since I was a teenager as a result of this process, along with heaps of self-confidence and self-worth. Get your brain out the gutter, accept your feelings and stop all P. Best of luck.
 
I don't have this particular fetish but I have suffered from OCD taking hold of my fetish and it's hell. It's like a part of your identity has changed and is now just simply a pervert of whatever type. It got to a point where I couldn't do anything without having some fucked up thought surrounding my OCD. To the point where I was questioning (and still at times question) whether or not I want to participate in certain acts that I find disgusting. Its a real battle. But from what I gather from @todolist and other nofappers, the best way to handle is to allow your thoughts to run free in your mind with the hopes that they will eventually tire themselves out and you can slowly regain who you are again. It's a scary-ass process. but I'm trying. Best of luck.
 
I am in a very similar situation with constant confusion, shame and fear over submissive thoughts I feel I never used to have. I remember as a teenager I loved to be the one in control; setting orders, making a woman squirm, being the guy in the driving seat basically. I would watch BDSM porn a lot, maledom to begin with then slowly female-on-female domming then I discovered P-games that let you PLAY as the woman you want to dominate. Slowly I wanted to become that woman - the subject - and found an outlet on Second Life. I had kind of come to terms that I was a switch and even tried subbing to a few partners, but similar to you nothing 'clicked', it just wasn't a turn on. That went on for years until eventually I had a one night stand a few years ago where she said something that I interpreted as dominant, triggering a complete short-circuit/breakdown. It suddenly became clear. I was a sub now.

The OCD was sending me insane until I switched therapists and realized the root problem was my addiction to P. That was nearly a year ago and I can tell you now, you won't feel like this forever. It's painful, but you have to accept your submissive desires - absolutely no point denying you have them, they're there for now. Once you've done that things get much easier. Ultimately you get to choose if you want to sub or not, these desires are not pre-ordained and there's nothing shameful about not acting on them. Denying them in your mind however will slowly drive you mad and only make them stronger, so accept them for what they are.
I would also add, SO WHAT! So what if you have a submissive side? many doms do and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. Once you internalize this truth, the issue becomes smaller and I guarantee you'll begin to forget about it.

Lastly I will say what most guys say on here regarding fetishes, that they get easier and easier to manage the longer you abstain from porn. The horny 'brain fog' that comes from constant P watching is likely causing you to see the world within the context of porn. Everyone is dom, sub, slut, domme etc. Stopping all P gets your brain out that mindset and it's honestly totally changed my life. I have felt dominant urges and fantasies that I haven't felt since I was a teenager as a result of this process, along with heaps of self-confidence and self-worth. Get your brain out the gutter, accept your feelings and stop all P. Best of luck.
I don't have this particular fetish but I have suffered from OCD taking hold of my fetish and it's hell. It's like a part of your identity has changed and is now just simply a pervert of whatever type. It got to a point where I couldn't do anything without having some fucked up thought surrounding my OCD. To the point where I was questioning (and still at times question) whether or not I want to participate in certain acts that I find disgusting. Its a real battle. But from what I gather from @todolist and other nofappers, the best way to handle is to allow your thoughts to run free in your mind with the hopes that they will eventually tire themselves out and you can slowly regain who you are again. It's a scary-ass process. but I'm trying. Best of luck.

Are you saying just treat those 'desires as thoughts' and let them pass or are you trying to say I actually have those inclinations? I agree with the former if that's what you're saying and read something that you wrote about merely seeing it as a possibility rather than an inevitablity.
 
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@leavingpornbehind yeah. The former for sure. Sex-related stuff can get so confusing man. Like what is real what is fetish what is me what is porn? I say forget all that and just decide what you want for yourself. Anything else, just treat it like a weird thought that has taken hold of your consciousness. No way to flush a thought like that out. I've tried. But you can almost become comfortable with the thought. To the point where it doesn't scare you. From there if you continue to ignore it, it will lose its power over time. (I'm hoping)
 
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I have been into femdom for many years now. I have noticed that whenever I go through long periods of porn watching I treat women differently. I become more submissive to them, allows saying "yes" and "sorry". She is the princess in my head and the worst part is I'm loving it and she has no idea. It is disgusting and objectifying.

Luckily when I go a few days without porn I'm able to have normal interactions with women. So maybe that is all you need. Good luck man
 
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