First post and it's a book :(

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Bel, May 1, 2017.

  1. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

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    Annnnnnnnnnd my good friends Bed Tantrums have returned bc I was tired and miserable last night. I actually cross posted the folliwing under his journal since OBVIOUSLY he's a clean and reformed guy who can't be bothered to write anything any more. I just got pissed how maybe some other PA was struggling and they read his journal of oh my addiction is chill I'm just a busy boy at work ..... yeah excuses excuses...... so let's pick it up shall we:

    So apparently there were plenty of urges and chaser effects that occurred. But that's probably not worth talking about. Who cares .... Nor is the old behavior of thrashing around in the bed after he tries for sex and it doesn't happen. Yes there is a lot of stress right now on both sides, but he forgets he said the same things before. It sucks to be mentally and physically whipped or actually hurt/sick and your partner is having a tantrum of sorts bc you don't feel like doing it in that moment.
    So let's summarize the last week in my eyes. Lack of total participation here, he went out alone and drank (has fought NUMEROUS chemical addictions just within the past 2 years), basically iced me out for any kind of personal conversation during the day but got perturbed when I gave it right back bc then I'm doing it bc in the past week I've obviously found another person, any kind of non sexual touching stopped over a week ago and if he initiated it I knew where he wanted it to go prior to his day 90 which obviously was a joke as it went down in flames on day 88, where as we used to carpool a lot together for work issues he seems to always be just outside of a time where I am able to catch up with him to do so, and the first go at sex he as always goes for 2 orgasms,(bc everyone needs 2 after almost 90 days clear right???) and then 2 days later when I basically shut off the chances for the second O round, the tossing and turning bed tantrums start. Also the new found security in himself to say he thinks he can now go without P blockers on the phone....yeah ok.
    So I'm sorry if this to anyone seems like a person who controls the addiction not the other way around, bc to me it definitely does not. And I know I come off as the total bitch partner putting all this out there, but I also want it seen by other addicts that Mr. Oh look I'm cruising now is definitely not near that stage. It isn't right to do this journal and basically just lie via omissions. Something else he did well the last 5 year's coming back into play again.
    I honestly also think he's been getting charged up so to speak from something , which to me is probably his work bc the higher the temps get the more clothes come off by the stable workers (most you wouldn't seriously touch with your enemies dick but body parts are body parts) and female horse riders that basically give you nothing but a full view of their ass bc of the nature of the the type of riding position. It's funny bc not many times from the rear view you'd be hard pressed on who's male or female.....but alas that road was ventured down too so who knows.
    I'm just really reaching the end of a very frayed and burned rope. I had thought the reboot was a miracle in waiting, I guess when one is half assing it, it's just days to count as they go by. I thought he had a grip on this shit. A new day was going to begin to dawn. Jokes on me apparently.
     
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  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Wow.
    That's just alot.
    I don't know how you deal with it.
    My ex was totally violent and I had to get out.
    He was a SA & PA & drank and drugs and I just couldn't deal with it.
    We had kids in the mix too.
    He wouldnt let me touch the precious computer tho.
    It was his baby.
    When I discovered my new SO a addict, I was leaving or else.
    That was just it.
    I wasn't going through 20 years of this, not all over again

    You are brave and brilliant.
    Remember this
     
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  3. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Jolie, I read your musings and not only are they spot on they are lights at the end of the tunnel. There's no kids in this mix. Just 5 years of really super awesomeness and then skating into the depths of hell with the PA. Up down up down. I think part of me likes the challenge this addiction presents (which is freaking sick bc it hurts so deep ) & part of me is convinced there now is no good guy left out there. They are all fucked up so why bother,stick with the evil I know....
    I'm happy for the most part your journey is clicking along positively. I may even be a little envious.
     
  4. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Oh, part of me is waiting for the crash?
    If that isn't sick.
    Only 5% of PAs fully recover.... How can we be the 5%?
    We are the 1 in a million not so great odds every other time.
    .... Literally, so I guess I'm waiting for the shoe to drop.
    I hope you are having a great day :)
     
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  5. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    This is so true. The challenge is sickly appealing but when so many say 'LEAVE!' - I think, yes, I know I deserve better but this poisonous addiction stole not just my faith in MY man, but all men. Who wants to go through this hell all over again? At least mine has been caught so it's out in the open.

    Still, I'd rather be alone than with someone who's not willing to do all it takes to be with me and show me they're trying to do better, be better, for themselves and for me.

    Denial, deflection, minimization, and rationalization can be taken to the nearest mirror. Now just need to live it myself. :)

    All the best to you @Bel. I really hope he works it out for you both
     
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  6. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    I'm collecting hard data for my imminent showdown...Do you happen to have a link to this statistic? It's terrifying and I weep for future generations as I imagine the number of addicts will likely only increase over time. A legal 'drug' that's mostly socially acceptable, even expected, and hits (mostly) guys in the weakest spot? Sigh.
     
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  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Ummmmm.... I can try to find it.
    My SO might know.
    I think he's the one who found it... It Really scared him straight.
    It's why he works so hard at this... For the kids. I'll ask him at lunch.
     
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  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    @TooMuchTooSoon yeah, the numbers aren't good.. If I remember correctly... The reboot is set up to be manageable.
    But only so many make it a year or 5 or forever

    That's why they "expect" relapses
     
  9. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    :(. What is this world
     
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  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    He wasn't to work yet. (he called back to my text)
    He said he doesn't remember what the year mark is or 5 years mark (he thinks 10%??) but he's not sure, which or if it's both.
    He remembered the forever rebooted - he's Positive it's 5%, because those are called 'Unicorns'
    And the kids(ours) are fans of My little pony. It was silly, and stuck.
    It's on Reboot Nation.
    He thinks in a article they posted/endorsed? but can't remember.
    He read it in the last 4 months - after his 1 year mark. (he doesn't know if that helps)
    & he was just getting to the gate...
    So anything else will have to actually wait for lunch. (his break)
    So he hopes he was helpful.
     
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  11. LizzyBlanca

    LizzyBlanca Fapstronaut

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    Re: the 5% - Could this be dependent on how 'recovery' is defined? IMHO, recovery isn't just abstaining. A sex addict could be abstaining, but not in recovery (developing intimacy - with spouse, partner or friendships, taking responsibility, establish oneself in a culture of support, reduce shame, etc.). "Establishing sobriety" is only one aspect of recovery. Check this out:
    http://www.kavodrecovery.com/30-tasks-of-recovery-map.html

    My hub's therapist (at 17 months clean) told him that he was only in remission, not true recovery. This wasn't meant to take anything away from my husband's success in not acting out, but it was meant to help my husband realize he has a lot of work to do to fully recover. And --- no one is ever "recovered" --- they are considered to be always in recovery.

    Gosh - I don't want to make it like I am making excuses for harmful behavior or returning to poor choices/sex a a drug, etc., but if a man was clean and really working on recovery, true intimacy, and honesty/integrity for 5 years, and then looked at porn once in a moment of bad choice, and was honest about it, and resumed recovery, does this discount all of the hard work and progress he made?

    My opinion --- the lies & deception are far more hurtful and damaging than the action. I wouldn't like it, but if my husband came to me and admitted what he did (if he did it), I would have respect for him b/c it's showing he has worked his recovery and is being honest. Now, if it was reoccurring constantly --- I wouldn't be okay w/ that. That's where our own personal boundaries come in (what we will accept and what we won't).

    One more thing I recently read - so I will share it here. Apparently, sex addiction and food addiction are much more challenging to beat than alcohol, heroin, etc. Why? Because food and sex are normal parts of human life/drive and we can't/shouldn't completely abstain from food/sex. People can completely abstain from alcohol, cigarettes, heroin, etc. So --- b/c food or sex is still a part of an addict's life, then it's more challenging to beat as an addiction. This made sense to me. Just sharing it here in case it helps anyone else.
     
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  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Oh I totally agree.
    We have discussed this at length, also.
    We also had a blip, not that far back, with a ad (totally uncontrollable) it does not mean, imo, that the work is erasable.
    However, when and if it comes with honesty, or if it does and how it does come about... What if of anger or of caught?
    I think this changes it.
     
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  13. LizzyBlanca

    LizzyBlanca Fapstronaut

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    Yes, if anger, defensiveness, lack of honesty/transparency/integrity, etc., are present, than that's a problem. The lack of honesty, lack of character, and secret life is the crux of the problem.
     
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  14. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

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    So.......me complaining,whining, questioning me....it's all too much for the man, check that child that wrote so much of this:
    Like I said before I have been all about honesty and it has been hard and painful and I know a lot of anger and frustration or her end. I can't even imagine the hurt she is going through but I feel the honesty has helped clear the air and definitely was for the best.
    Honesty....it gets defined as loosely as it needs to be to make things easy. How quickly ppl who engage in years of deceptive behavior embrace that addict mindset again of but but but look I'm trying (4 whopping months) but you cause me too much stress..... Hold up...I cause too much stress , wtf did you think you did for 5 years?? But yeah no biggie, I guess returning to hell is more like a vacation from life for them, while their addiction made life every day hell for who had to be dragged through it with them. 4 months .....vs......5 years or 60 months.....yeah totally proportionate. How can I just not see that??!! Silly me.
    He still cares more about a fucking thong then what I'm feeling. Well maybe what I'm feeling as to why I dared to wear it and it not be for or by his hand and command. Gee idk stop avoiding conversations you won't like and face up to fallout at least longer than 1/12th of the time you literally and figuratively screwed someone over. Idk,just a thought I had. Oh silly me maybe I just need to go thong shopping.
     
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2017
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  15. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

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    It's Saturday am. Had a decent Thursday night after the above post must have been read. I think it put it into context the whole 4 months of trying to do well does not compensate nor equal 60 months of utter fuckups. I was on couch bc we went to dinner he drank , he oogled a bit which I think the beer added to, but he's been on top of that pretty good for the most part so I gave him slack. But I knew it was still just enough that we might end up fighting about so I couched myself. He came out , held me was actually compassionate, then of course tells me to come to bed.....ummm all was forgiven 5 minutes later :)
    Friday am he slept late I went to tan. We got along talking casually when I came back. I jumped in shower so we could go to town to run errand's together. I snuck in a thong. We came back talked said screw it let's nap, he got cuddly.....he got really happy when he saw thong, but not creepy happy like he used to. And not for nothing but I guess my wearing of such and him not seeing them put more doubts as opposed to fantasy in his head the past few days. But now he could have no doubt on this pair lol. I was pleased. He kept his calm and stayed very much in control of himself which was FUCKING SEXY AS HELL... I mean it's hard to explain but when he'd go gaga for lingerie and crap before it was just awkward and off putting. Like I pulled a sex crazed 14 year old boy out instead of a man with power and virility. I need the man to always be there. The man showed up....probably for the first time in 5 years. Best time yet. Simple and comforting, like mac and cheese. No weird shit, no long drawn out ordeal. Just perfect.
    The rest of the day we tinkered around. Then I decided hey let's watch this funny movie Snatched with Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn. It was pretty good.... except : Amy goes out with guy gets drunk and as he drops her off her boob is out ....like out uncomfortably long for a scene in which he's telling her . He end night with a cute kiss and sends drunk Amy to her room.
    The other scene is that they are in a room kidnapped and Goldie is sitting there leafing through a porn mag bc she's freaked about situation and using anything to not think about it. In the process she holds up mag twice for some completely disgusting pics.
    I got internally pissed over these things. I'm like why the f do they need to do that dumb shit. Of course I know my PA is feeling my thoughts as well as God knows what happened internally there for him. So thanks to what should have been a good comedic movie, it squashed physical intimacy bc honestly after that there was no way for him to win. He was restless for awhile after but blamed his long morning sleep in. But I think maybe there might have been an internal fight going on too.
    Seemed good this am so I guess we'll address it deeper later. Ugh stupid movies !!!!
     
  16. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Wow


    So normal Goldie Hawn reads porn now
     
  17. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

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    A lot of uncertainty in the air right now. I feel the more time I spend away from the PA the stronger I am becoming in myself. Like he is a drug to me and it distracts me from doing what i need to do. It also doesn't help that there are some issues hanging over our heads right now, mostly having to do with him telling the truth about some other things that have popped up that indicate very strongly some shady shit and possible return of old negative behaviors are lurking in the shadows. Right now I have something I found that my gut says I'm right on but when I finally confronted him about it ....well he's a really damn good liar, always has been, and that part of me kicks in and wants to believe something is truth.
    Today he spent a lot of time out of the house and initially I was a little sad but something kicked in and said stop worrying about him and start taking care of you. So I sat down and wrote out some financial strategies, a portion of which involves money loaned to him while he had no job other than his self acquired one of pmo. It didn't pay well at all lol.
    So I've got plans , or I should say outlines of plans to do. I just need to stay focused on them. I can honestly say this feels good.
     
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  18. Good for you! You should do things for you! Goals, strategies all good stuff. Have you ever listened to Dave Ramsey? Love him and his financial strategies work!
     
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  19. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

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    No but I'll definitely look him up tomorrow and give him a try. I want to get serious about the finances for once in my life. :)
     
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  20. I am such a numbers person. I love budgeting and figuring out finances, etc. I don't know how ppl can go through life wo budgeting. I budget for everything and I have my budgeting done months out! I hate being in debt especially wo a plan.

    Look up Dave Ramsey and his debt snowball...it works. Or a FPU class is great too.
     
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