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First time in my life I hit on a woman! And... it went horrible.

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by fapequalsdeath, Apr 15, 2015.

  1. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

    So, like the title says today was the first time I've ever made a move on a woman. I'm 19 never had gf, been kissed etc. etc. - you get the idea. Apart from speaking to girls in school or anything work-related, I've never had problems. But I was always too afraid to escalate it to something intimate. Today was something different, I finally broke my approach virginity and made a move. But let's start from the start of my day so you'd understand the situation better. So, I set my alarm clock for 7 AM but since I went to bed late last night I dismissed the alarm and fell asleep 1 hour and 30 minutes more. Since it was 8:30 and I had to get to the firm I had an internship from my school in 9:00 I took a quick shower and had fast macaroni done and ate them. Then without rushing that much I walked to the firm which is 10 min away and I was late, but it didn't matter anyway since everyone who was responsible for me was on a vacation and I left. Good thing I had a bonus 1:30 hr nap eh? Anyway, the weather was nice I had spare time, so I decided to go to near park space and workout on the bars. I did my usual routine - chin-ups, dips etc. Until some man came to workout as well. Shortly we started a conversation firstly about our exercises then about how professional athletes use steroids (this topic is very easy to start a conversation with people who work out lol works every time). Shortly after an older man came also and he joined in the conversation and the workout. The conversation shifted to "secrets and conspiracy" because of the first man. He started talking about how petrol bosses destroyed Nikola Tesla's lab and got his patents because he invented the eternal engine. How also the greater power's have weapons which change the weather and that sort of shit. I told em that it is true to some extent but we couldn't know for sure and remained skeptical and didn't want to argue bout it. The older man listened with interest and agreed with most of it. The conspiracy guy wasn't crazy but he probably watched a lot of national geographic documentaries lol. He was actually smart because we talked about electronics later a bit since he was an en engineer and that's what I was learning in school also. However , while we were talking came a cute redhead chick also to workout. She was short bout 1m65 probably 16-18 old I don't know. My workouts are usually long since I take long rests and do max reps until every drop a strength in me is gone. So the old was very fast and finished first, shortly the conspiracy guy finished also. The cute girl and I remained. I know this was it man I had to take the risk. Lately I've been reading about behavioural psychology, "daygaming"women but I still couldn't overcome my approach anxiety. There were days where I went out with the goal of approaching 1 woman a day and i end up following them a couple of blocks "stalker"style and still not being able to do it. And every time I felt like shit because I didn't take action. So I knew that if I don't act now I'd have to deal with feelings of regret later which will consume me. Plus the situation was somewhat decent to make a move. So, I finished my workout as well but the girl was still doing some sets. Then I went to her and said if she has alot of sets left and if she wanted to grab a drink later. She said that she has to go to school. Then I asked her for a phone so she could call me right now and get each other's numbers - she said she didn't have a phone. I asked for a phone number she said she didn't know it. Then i was like ok We'll do it medieval style just tell me a place and time and I'll be there. Then she started smiling and walking awkwardly around the place... I got the message she was thinking oh shit this guy is hitting on me what to do now. And from the literature I read I knew women don't like confrontation so they would rather make some excuse then tell it to a guy's face. I knew that if i kept persisting I would only make the situation more awkward so I just said "I respect your decision, have a nice day" and just walked away. Maybe if i had greater conversational skills I would have been able to make her feel more comfortable, but I don't. Since that was like my first experience ever. Still I did most of the stuff I read about breathing deeply, good posture, getting straight to the point, eye contact (until she started walking randomly and smiling). But yeah for the first time I think it was simple and good enough. When I was walking home i was thinking fuck i messed it up fuckl fuck, but then I remembered how I must view every progress I make as a victory no matter how small it is. Always look on the positive side. Today I breached my fear of approaching tommorow i'll breach it even more, until i succeed. Overall now that i look at it i feel stronger and more of a MAN for taking a risk at the face of adversity and i am proud of myself. Sorry for the long post keep pushing guys when you give up that's when you lost!
  2. Buddy, relax. So she said no. Big deal. There are one million valid reasons for which she would not want to go have a drink with you. And 999,000 of them won't have anything to do with you. So just take a deep breath, dust yourself off, and try again. Don't beat yourself up too hard, as you don't know what is going through her mind.

    But don't stop trying on account that this one woman didn't want to go out with you. However, be more observant for the subtle clues that they're not interested, and stop before you get too intense.

    You did well. If you ask 10 times and get 9 no's, you're still ahead by 1. If you never ask, the answer will always be no.
  3. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

    Yeah, that's why I stopped cuz it was getting too awkward. Still when I got home I analyzed the situation and came to the conclusion that it was too forward. I should have built emotional rapport first and found what's interesting about the girl and then proceed with the "date". But it's just how I am - get to the point no bullshit. Not that getting to know someone is bullshit but still. It might have progressed better, or it wouldn't have just like you said a lot of reasons not to happen.
    Caveat Emptor, Dailydoer and Limeaid like this.
  4. The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

    You mean to say that the first time you hit on a girl it didn't go perfectly?

    Well, that makes the 99.99% of us who had the same experience feel a lot better.

    You'll be fine. Relax and stay positive. And don't stop trying.
  5. Limeaid

    Limeaid Guest

    I will give you some womanly advice because I have been asked out cold like this before and I can shed some light on how things went. It would have been AWESOME if you had talked to her like you did the first two GUYS. Women are exactly the same as men pretty much. I would have been right there talking conspiracy about Tesla. Why didn't you just try a conversation with her? Then if the vibe was going well you could have asked her for her number or something. I cannot see any woman giving a number or meeting for drinks with a complete stranger without at least talking first. It helps us take our guard down. Most women walk around with a major guard up. We have to. Definitely go that route next time. Maybe say to yourself "pretend she's a guy, pretend she's a guy" if it helps!! Employ the exact same conversational strategies with women that you do with men. Don't assume we won't know what you are talking about or that we aren't interested etc. Don't think about it in terms of "escalating" or "daygame" but as talking to another human being. Then if the vibe is right, she's laughing and talking back, go for it!!

    Ok advice over! I just want to say that this was a major step and you should be very proud of yourself for going out on a limb and being vulnerable :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 15, 2015
  6. Prov.4:23

    Prov.4:23 Fapstronaut

    Fap...brother, you're a young single man and that's something I've never really been. But as a young married man with 3 kids, I don't rate myself socially on how good I am at picking up women. That's something I don't have to deal with and I feel for ya. Society says your finess at "playing the game" = social skills. That's dumb, don't do it. I know enough to know @Limeaid is giving you solid advice. That's how I met my wife, by just talking and getting to know her. Sure I was attracted, but the more I got to know her the more our mutual trust built. And, yes you do need to trust a woman before you go on a date. I used to work with sex offenders in prison and believe me a wrong date can wreck you!
    Headspace and Dailydoer like this.
  7. crushurcravings

    crushurcravings Fapstronaut

    "Most women walk around with a major guard up. We have to."

    Why do you have to walk around with a major guard up?
    Low likes this.
  8. NoMo_Po

    NoMo_Po Fapstronaut

    It honestly could have been worse. From reading the topic I had a different idea that I won't share :D

    You did great, asked her out, but she wasn't exactly interested. I don't blame her since it's weird meeting a complete stranger. Maybe you will see her again and you can just be friendly. Chat her up. It won't be so weird and awkward anymore

    you know, your body naturally has a "fight or flight" reflex. This was just her natural reaction.

    Don't worry! Just keep being yourself
    vibemaker, Headspace and Dailydoer like this.
  9. Papa_Chief

    Papa_Chief Fapstronaut

    The woman that gave advice is exactly right.
    Approach women like a person.
    Start a simple conversation
    If she avoids eye contact and an awkward smile.and a cold hello..the vibe isn't there.
    If she smiles genuinely and gives a warm hello. Ask her how she is today.
    Then go from there.
    Good luck buddy :)

    And btw..to answer that guys question...why do women have to have guards up? Because men often are like predators and quite frankly creepy. Because they watch too much damn porn and have a diluted filter on how women should he approached!

    I do well talking with women because I'm calm and don't try so hard. I jus talk to them normally and when attraction is there it jus builds naturally.
  10. Limeaid's advice is bang on; easier said than done of course, but the more you downplay it, ironically, the more success you'll have. The advice you read in terms of "getting straight to the point" is just plain terrible and makes you come across as confrontational, which is the polar opposite of what you want to achieve. First approaches never go well, so don't sweat it. I'm sure you've made more progress than you think.
    F50C137YZ and silvaticus like this.
  11. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

    Yeah thanks for the advice everyone. I tried keeping it simple as much as possible, but it was "simply" not enough and ineffective. The problem with talking to her like a guy is that it's not that easy of hitting mutually interesting topics, so if i talk to her like I guy I'll just end up spamming random bullshit which is irrelevant to the talk. It still might be better than "Go on a date with me now", but not needed. Plus people are social chameleons, you can't exactly talk to your mother for example the same as you talk to your close "bro" friend. Even for your close friends is not the same you might have different inner jokes and interests. For example I have friends about videogames , party, "life philosophy" and friends for self-improvement. I don't act the same with all of them but calibrate to the circumstance. I'll try incorporating a strategy next time I approach just by genuinely asking questions of what is interesting about the girl, then saying what is interesting about me and then if i see somewhat attraction i'll make the forward move. I agree that going on a date with a total stranger is "weird" at least for social standarts not for me, so I'll just tweak my strategy a little by readucing the stranger part as much as possible.
  12. Limeaid

    Limeaid Guest

    Yeah it's unfortunate but most women are somewhat "afraid" or "wary" of strange men so most of us can be guarded. Throw in the fact that most of us have had negative experiences with some men like, oggling, catcalling and the like and you might be able to understand why.

    "Until some man came to workout as well. Shortly we started a conversation firstly about our exercises then about how professional athletes use steroids"

    This is exactly how you should approach women. You were both exercising so why not chat about that. This is the absolute best advice I can give you for next time. Good luck :)
    Caveat Emptor and silvaticus like this.
  13. PeetaMellark

    PeetaMellark Fapstronaut

    Welcome to the club @fapequalsdeath.

    We've all been there, and it never really gets easier.

    The trick is to never give up...
    Real women are beautiful, sensitive, creative, and wonderful creatures who are definitely worth getting to know better...
    So it didn't work out this time? You're a step closer to it happening...
    At least you're interacting with real woman and not pixelated figures on a screen...
    Stay focused...

    Stay strong!
    Limeaid and Prov.4:23 like this.
  14. magneticD

    magneticD New Fapstronaut

    bro...first time I did ANYTHING in my life I sucked at it thats totally normal. Keep up the good work!
    Aiyoshi likes this.
  15. 20cents

    20cents Fapstronaut

    I spent about 2 years watching SimplePickup videos and never applied it to girls.

    Then I graduated high school.

    When I went to university, I realised that these girls do not know my past like the limited, yet connected groups of girls during high school. Further, these girls did not know each other. I was given a clean slate.

    Realising the clean slate, I slowly became more interesting and found hobbies that I enjoyed. I also expanded on knowledge in areas of conversation where everyone would go to (music, art, literature, movies etc.). I spent a year talking to every girl I met that was attractive; racked up about 20 odd rejections (sometimes more than one rejections for one girl, because hey, I was clueless and socially retarded).

    3 months ago I met the most beautiful girl I've ever met and we just clicked; the chemistry was there, everything was great. No PUA techniques, just me talking to her like she's a human being with an equally interesting life story as me.

    Don't be afraid to be rejected brother, because getting rejected is indisputable proof that you've tried; and the fact you tried means you're indisputably better than that person who is too scared to.
  16. silvaticus

    silvaticus Fapstronaut

    Another woman here. I'm gonna second everything Limeaid said. Seriously, I think the biggest reason most guys have trouble connecting with women is that they have themselves all psyched out about women being these otherworldly creatures. Talking to a woman is just like talking to a guy. Really.

    Another thing, I think guys are worried way too much about how they, themselves, appear, both physically and in terms of material success. I'm objectively a pretty attractive woman and the number one thing that has always attracted me to guys (my husband included) is if they have something interesting to say when they open their mouths, if we share common interests, if they have something they're passionate about and if they are interested in me beyond getting in my pants. Everything else is secondary.

    My friends and family all seem to be the same. My one niece stands out in particular. She's eight years younger than me, crazy smart, funny, and kind, looks like Taylor Swift with a better figure, is an exercise physiologist who models professionally on the side and is married to and crazy in love with a guy who looks like Howdy Doody. They started as friends, have a lot of interests in common, he's crazy smart, is actually interested in her as a whole person and he treats her well.

    Basically, just relax, pursue your interests and be friendly. You will find the right girl for you.
  17. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the encouragement guys. I know failure is just part of the process and I must embrace it with a light heart and look ahead. Still I'd have to admit that I relapsed. I had a sour taste in my mouth the whole day, because of the outcome of the event that day and neither meditation or staying around people I know helped. Once again i proved myself how porn is just a temporary solution to an ongoing problem. It's easy to get the fix when you are depressed and tired but what after... even more depression and feeling of unworthyness. I'm absolutely determined to get rid of this habit and all of the negative habits that have plagued my life for so long. Then replace them with something truly meaningful that will make me strive as an individual. It won't happen over night but when I develop my discipline and persistence along with mindful learning I'm sure in success. Every moment that will come from now on is a new opportunity and I'll grasp and appreciate it. Women will come along my greater
    character enrichment :)
    silvaticus likes this.
  18. No matter how you look at it, this WAS a victory.

    You know, the approaching and asking is the hardest part and your only option and you did it
    The rest is up to her. A 'yes' or 'no' is 100% out of your control. You already won by just asking her!!!
  19. diamondboi

    diamondboi Banned

    Asides from your awkward approach she most likely wasn't physically attracted. let's be honest with ourselves, physical attraction is numero uno , and works vice versa. if we don't like what we see then chances are we won't be interested in anything more then a platonic friendship.

    Work on your approach, make small talk, and try something along the lines of 'so what's it going to take to see you again' Followed by 'what's the best way to get ahold of you' IF she's responsive.

    Always have an objective, and plan before hand. Once all is said and done, give her something to look forward to (if conversation is going well). For example - 'You seem cool. We should meet up later this week, something simple like coffee.'

    It all comes with experience.

    that awkward straight up approach won't work... maybe in a bar if she's drunk and thinks your hot.
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2015
  20. NoBrainer

    NoBrainer Distinguished Fapstronaut

    I'd say this is good advice. (Also Limeaid's post is great). Although I don't have experience with talking to women, just beware that there is a lot of absolute bullshit online about "picking up girls" etc. Most of it is complete tripe. I'd say you could learn more from nofap, than any other site attempting to 'teach' how to approach women. Women's perspectives on here, in a safe environment are especially helpful. :)

    Also- Nikola Tesla: what a guy! ;)
    Deleted Account likes this.

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