Good ending story: healing from long term, terminal PIED. Also, showing that there's worse than PMO!

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by kosoyey, Oct 5, 2019.

  1. kosoyey

    kosoyey Fapstronaut

    Hello everybody.
    Today I'd like to bring in hope and tell you about my story.
    I have been to hell, so that you don't have to.

    This story is about someone who has MO for 36 (thirthysix) years, PMO for 30 (thirty!) and VN for 1. Someone whose death grip caused physical damage. Someone who got so far, so terminal, that even PMO, VN and death grip would not be enough to even cause a tiny smidge of libido any more, much less of erection.

    PART 1: beginning

    I am not a doctor (duh!). I started from perfect health, never had an issue with testosterone, blood, heart or anything. Therefore, those who have any of that, shall live a different experience than me and shall take longer to heal. I tell you in advance, so you won't post an annoyed reply stating that your 6582 days monk mode NoFap is not helping you as it did to me.

    Disclaimer 2
    Throughout this story I will mention various kinds of P kinds, "grades", products and technologies. DO NOT TRY THEM! They caused me some harsh mental and physical damage. I take no responsibility if you are so DUMB to go try them out!

    PIED and any ED usually have two components: psychological and physical. Doctors usually are totally clueless about the former but can really help on the latter. So, even if you feel ashamed, go to your doctor and talk about your ED. He'll prescribe you exams and they might find out hidden health issues that would greatly lenghten your recovery, if not found.

    My story begins here
    It all started with wet dreams. I was 12. Family are strict religious people who would never tell me anything about sexuality. I was just a child and started getting those epic wet dreams, morning woods and so on. I didn't understand what the hell was going on with me. Talking with family was out of question, just hinting about sex was like summoning the devil himself. I just kept getting these things.

    I discovered how somehow I couldn't take my eyes off certain "obscene" picture: girls in lingerie posing on my mother's shopping catalog, well endowed actresses on the front of my mom's magazines and so on. They immediately made me super-rock-hard. And... the next morning... a wet disaster!

    One hot summer day, by random chance, I went up to the attic and, behind lots of stuff, I randomly found a "Sex Encyclopedia". Wow! How did THAT end up in my attic? Of course, it was ancient and with almost no pictures. I read it anyway, up to a paragraph that described my "symptoms". It described puberty as the age of involuntary erections, wet dreams and how boys would be naturally pushed into masturbation to relase and reduce the "symptoms".

    Being an ancient encyclopedia it was super puritan. Its description ended with a menacing verdict: "don't let boys masturbate, or they'll become addicted to it and will become vile and loser masturbators for life".

    Boy, how that piece of prude stuff was right! With no little embarassment, I asked some of my closest friends what masturbation actually was. Because, of course, the Sex Encyclopedia did not disclose such obscenities. Some looked at me like I was very, very dumb, but in the end I cobbled an actionable masturbation procedure together.

    I locked myself in my room, I prepared truckloads of cotton, toilet paper, tatters and what else, to experiment on this potentially home floor breaking attempt!

    After a looong while, I finally found out where and how to rub (!!). Boy, my "first time" was more painful than pleausure! I felt "stabs" in what one day I'd know it was my prostate & stuff and after some minutes I came. I had no idea about what it was like, so I basically sprayed all my bed, around my bed, bedside table and more!

    When I regained full conscience, I cleaned up everything and had to find and use my mom's detergent because it smelled! Imagine if my parents discovered my crime!
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2019
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  2. kosoyey

    kosoyey Fapstronaut

    PART 2: descent to hell

    After the funny beginning, the addiction
    I was so happy to have fixed my wet dreams. I quickly found out that I needed to M at least twice a week, or else...
    If I wanted, I could easily M 4-5 times a day and be iron hard the next morning!

    Weeks passed. Then months. Then years. Masturbating became second nature. Unlike my friends, I did not seek for girls. M was enough. I became bald. I lost weight, became permanently semi-depressed. A loser. A compulsive masturbator for life. Like the ancient Encyclopedia predicted!

    Luckily for me, it was years 80-90. No internet and no fast porn was available, this impacted my healing later.
    After some years, a TV started broadcasting late night shows and... porn video-tapes advertisments! I quickly discovered the enticing and exciting nature of that ancient porn stuff. By today's standards, it's like a trip to the dinosaurs museum, but still...

    After the M addiction, the P
    Years 80-90 Porn, was not so physically "lethal", but I got addicted to it none the less. Over time, I had recorded all sorts of stuff on video tapes and, when my parents were away, I'd PMO over it for hours and hours to no end.
    All of this, of course, had an impact on my life. Always "down", exhausted, depressed. School started going bad. Girls were a no-go. So painful to get one, I was totally hopeless at them. So here I went, to my room, where all the "magic" was found.

    After the video-tape P, the modern P
    Years passed. Then decades. I was a wreck. Permanently depressed, demotivated. Changing jobs because I just could not find the energy to pour into it. One day they brought ADSL to my home and with ADSL came access to online P.

    It was really, really a big change of pace! The old video-tapes were all about hairy women spending a good time with curly moustaches, manly men.
    The new ones? At first they were similar but in higher definition. But over time, they changed.
    My PMO addiction changed and "evolved" with them.
    I went to live alone. I was free to PMO as much as I wanted!

    I slowly found out that I needed to raise the P bar. "Simple" women having sex with men was not really so exciting as they used to be.
    I needed to see deepthroaths, then two men on one woman. Then pregnants. Then men going hard on women. Then BBCs. Then lesbians. "Hey, they are girls, after all, so it's OK". Then bisexuals, homosexuals, anal and from there faster and faster down a black hole. BDSM, ballsbusting, urethra objects insertion, all kinds of fisting, it never ends!

    Modern P to VN: from hell to beyond!
    I was now totally addicted. I woud call days off work just to PMO for hours and hours. The nastiest kind of PMO. I was reduced to a larva. I slowly lost all friends and any interest in life.
    It lasted up to mid 2016, when I experienced my first PIED. As of today I am clueless about how I actually resisted PIED from the 90s to 2016, but that's it.
    Suddenly, my erections halted. I could not find more extreme P after all. I had watched the most extreme bestiality, group **pe, salt swelling, various organs puncturing. You name it.
    I don't recall how, but I discovered VNs. VNs are "Visual Novels". A cheerful term to indicate thousands, interactive porn novels. There are many kinds. Some are 3D rendered, some show real porn actors "living" the story. Out of thousands, some hundreds of them have stunning graphics, the dirtiest stories (diabolic rituals with whole families incests and so on) and much, much more.
    Most of them implement the deadly concept of "grinding". That is, you unlock more and more extreme scenes by grinding a previous days situation (with its own less extreme sex scenes). This slowly increases your desire to "grind it fast", "grind it harder". Your libido is bombarded by a maelstrom of recurring, increasingly potent sex scenes.
    You can picture it like those torture/horror movies, where the protagonist is bombarded by faster and faster scenes spinning through his eyes until he collapses by sensory overload.

    From VN to death grip
    At this point, I literally lost my jobs. I spent days, months PMO-ing to increasingly extreme VNs. Regular P ceased to have any effect on me since a year. I only left my home to go buy something quick to eat and then... back to PMO. Like I had a bad drug addiction.
    VNs grinding slowly "trained" me to M quicker and quicker. Harder and harder. Not "just" that: a VN can last 10 hours. 10 hours of grinding.
    I started losing sensitivity, I needed to go harder, harder, HARDER!
    I started death gripping. Some days I literally heard "something" cracking or enervating inside my penis. It hurt very bad, but I could not stop it. Some times it bled.
    Over time, my penis length lost 0.4 inches. Girth lost 20%.
    The hours of permanent excitation also altered something in my precum secretion. It never stopped. Day, night, at home, at the restaurant: it just kept leaking 24/7. I felt like a wasted, sick, unrecoverable wreck.

    From death grip to terminal PIED
    Of course, such abuse, could not go on forever. Took PMO many years to induce my first PIED, took VNs just 6 months to completely destroy me.
    One day, my penis just died. Along with libido. I thoroughly massacred it with absurd death gripping and it did not erect even half inch any more. I watched the most gross and absurd P and VN scenes and... nothing. Total death over there. I had stopped getting erections at women long ago, but now any effort and any means was pointless.
    Only thing that still kept going on, the never ending leak of precum. By never ending I mean a teaspoon every 5 minutes, 24/7! And blood.

    Damn, ancient, prude Sex Encyclopedia: you were right!

    Now, not only I was a devastated wreck. I also lost my "wily".

    One fundamental step: I hax sex with a real woman
    After I started death gripping, for some reason, I decided to "prove if I am still functioning" by having sex with a woman.
    Sadly, a failed, addicted, human wreck, has no mindset to actually date a woman. Much less to convince her to have sex.

    3 days a week I go to a bar and read a local newspaper. At the end, it has a column dedicated to "Guy look for girl" (and vice versa) short messages and another with various (censored) pictures advertising escorts (middle level ones with their own apartment, not street crackwh**es).

    I took a photo with my phone and then started contacting people. Of course, as an human wreck, I could not convince a single sentient being to date me. To be honest, I didn't even know HOW to date a girl, in case I had a call back.

    Since the escorts were in the photo as well, I started phoning them. 90% did not reply, but one did.
    I went to her, scared like crazy.

    Imagine this: a guy who has no issues looking at porn featuring organs puncturing, torture, bestiality, bisexual + chuck, BDSM... was scared like crazy to look at a simple, real, naked woman.

    To my great dismay, my penis had ZERO reaction.
    However, she was gorgeous and she was an a-we-so-me person. Yes I said it: a random escort was one of the most understanding, kind and empathic persons I ever met. Be her feelings real, fake or whatever.
    She tried several times to help my penis up but nope: it was totally DEAD down there.
    But I did not give up: I explored her all with my hands, my tongue, my face.
    The damn porn videos actually helped me this time: she was surprised at the amount of positions, tecniques and motions I knew.

    Now, you might wonder why I have written so much about this one, squallid episode: because she became my inspiration, my "natural sex reference framework". She has been instrumental to my recovery. I'll explain about this later.
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2019
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  3. kosoyey

    kosoyey Fapstronaut

    Part 3: I am not alone!

    It took that many years to find out that I was not in a normal situation. I was so curled on myself, so busy PMO-ing my brains out all day.
    One day, full of shame, I opened an "Incognito mode" browser window and started to look for a solution to my PIED. As addicted to videos as I was, I looked for videos on Youtube that would help me or, at least, explain me what was going on. After a good while, I randomly found out the "phenomenon" had a name: "erectile dysfunction". After more "digging", I actually found out I was not alone: several Google results pointed me to a specific form of ED: "porn induced erectile dysfunction" or PIED. Not just that: a number of medical websites, shortly mentioned "alternative treatments" called "NoFap" and others.

    Armed with this tiny knowledge, I went to check out videos about the matter. And lo and behold... there were! I found Noah B.E. Church videos, RebootNation videos, Covenant Eyes videos. I found frequent mentions about PIED forums. This forum and website, in particular, was mentioned a lot of times.

    Being a total video addict, I started to ravenously watch the material. Dozens of videos, no-stop. I finally learned something about myself.
    Videos and forums told me that I was not alone. I was not doomed. A major, major portion of my life, my health and my brain, have been brutally lost forever. But I could still heal and hope to "be normal".

    Heck, I did not know how "being normal" means! I spent from my puberty up to my late 40 curled on myself, fapping until reduced to a wrecked larva.
    How could be there... a life? A real, different, normal life, outside of that?

    I still don't know how or why, but I took a decision: try this "NoFap" stuff and see if I could heal from PIED. I still had no idea about what else I'd get by going NoFap; I could barely think, exactly how an heavily drug addict has few flashes of lucidity at all.

    Part 4: craving and torture!
    The videos warned me about how similar my condition had been to a drug addict attempt to stop substances.
    But living that? Unbelievable!

    The first NoFap day had been uneventful. I just did not PMO. I now experienced so much pain and no erection from M, that I had no problem giving up on M for a day.

    Hell happened when I went to sleep. I always had rock solid sleeps, for my whole life.

    That night my brain literally EXPLODED!
    I could not control myself. My body started shivering, hard. Precum leakage reached a record high, I had to keep towels on my penis to avoid soaking everything in my home.
    A never ending sequence of P scenes erupted in my mind, I could not stop them. I kept shivering, I felt throes coursing through me. I could not sleep at all, I started sweating like I had fever. Still in bed, my hand instinctively went to M myself. Keeping it off took all my sanity.

    The next days I'd still watch those reassuring NoFap videos, procedures. I anxiously studied their calendars, their healing steps. I knew I was a very, very terminal case.

    But boy... the next nights were even worse! I felt so much mental strain. I could not sleep and while in bed I kept being flooded by PMO memories.
    Torn to pieces, I resorted to something I'd never suspected I would do: I started to pray. It gave me just a little ribbon to hold myself to sanity. It distracted me just enough to not fall into PMO memories convulsions.

    I hated myself: how could it be possible that something would hold myself hostage so bad. I didn't even use drugs! But I can bet I felt exactly like a decade drugs addict feels when he's experiencing a withdrawal crisis.

    I spent the next 2 weeks in a living hell. During the day, I'd keep myself busy in all ways I could. I'd go out and walk a lot. I went to bar and would read all the newspapers. Anything to pass a single day without thinking 100% to PMO. The nights were absurd. I did not experience physical pain, but I suffered like a beaten, tortured puppy.

    Guys, if anyone is reading this: learn about my torture. Don't go PMO or stop it before you get terminal. I have been there, you do not want to become like me too, trust me!!!! The pain, the suffering is too hard to endure, I don't know how I survived it!

    The pain perhaps actually helped me. I was so scared to PMO again and be tortured by it so hard, that I just didn't dare to watch a P video!

    After about 2 weeks, uncontrolled leakage started reducing. Yes, the 24/7 precum leakage that I had for a year finally subsided a bit. I had finally seen a little sign that something was happening. Something was going right.

    I felt the urge to release. As some videos teached me, I masturbated trying to not recall videos, pictures. Just with an empty mind. It was not enough.
    Erection was like 20% (still a long way from absolute 0% I had until now!) and then I suddenly stopped having any "urge". Libido got back to 0%, so I stopped.

    Penis was still limp and dead. Actually, it became "deader" day after day. I could look at a gorgeous real girl, my mind would be excited but... nothing happened down there.

    It has been really depressing seeing no further improvement for another 2 weeks.

    Oh the pain
    One night I suddenly felt an absurd, incredibly, excruciating pain in my penis. It was not P craving or anything. It was just honest, straight, lancinating pain.
    I felt like someone was piercing my penis with a large, incandescent, rusty, jagged pin.
    I spent hours bent over myself, barely avoiding screaming and waking up my neighbourhood.

    Not only I could not sleep any more, but the pain continued during the day too!
    I finally went to seek for a doctor and told him about my ED and pain. He prescribed me painkillers, a medicine to improve penis blood circulation and (of course!) the ritual box of "manhood blue pills".

    The next days were unforgettably bad. I felt so much physical pain that it shadowed my mental cravings.

    This is what you get when you go for death grip for months.

    As I said above: I have been to hell for you, so you don't have to. Stop death grip NOW, or risk suffering as much as I did!

    One thing was positive: with all this pain I completely forgot PMO. I felt torture just barely touching my penis, any kind of erection felt like I had lava running down there!

    I sincerely lost the count of the days there. As totally secular as I am, I started praying again, for some reason it was a rope that kept me afloat.

    I know some people won't be happy to read "it tooks weeks here" and "it took weeks there", but that's how bad it can get if you go terminal and PMO for decades!
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2019
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  4. kosoyey

    kosoyey Fapstronaut

    First signs of healing
    After about another 2 weeks, I suddenly felt a change.
    PMO cravings slowly subsided. Unchecked precum dropped by 80%.
    I still felt a very strong penis pain and sting, but it was bearable.

    That was good by itself, but there was more!
    My penis started "refilling of meat".
    I described in another chapter how death grip caused physical damage and reduced both penis length and girth. It felt like empty sausage skin.

    Now, it was like my penis started to... "rebuild". It felt "consistent" again. I could (painfully) put an hand on it and feel it somewhat more solid. No erection, of course, but at least it didn't feel like empty skin any more.

    After another two weeks or so, penis pain started reducing. One day I talked with a beautiful girl and actually felt a tiny, tiny hint of erection. Like 10% but still...

    WHAT? A morning wood?
    Another week went on. I still suffered from insomnia but pain decreased more and more. It still persisted as a sort of "background pain", for a good month.
    One morning I woke up and... I had a "baby morning wood". Nothing fancy, perhaps 40% erection strength, but still...
    I did not have any morning wood since a good decade!!!

    I finally started trusting all those NoFap videos. Even if my dates were totally off (having been terminal and stuff), the improvements started to happen!
    The rest of the day I still had neither libido nor erection whatsoever. But I was happy and more hopeful now.

    ....... To be continued .....
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2019
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  5. BigBallOfFire

    BigBallOfFire Fapstronaut

    I feel sorry for you brother. Keep on the path to recovery. thats our only choice. [hope you will post the next part soon with the good ending!]
    kosoyey likes this.
  6. kosoyey

    kosoyey Fapstronaut

    Thanks man! I am going to continue it tomorrow.
  7. kosoyey

    kosoyey Fapstronaut

    I added two chapters
  8. Supination

    Supination Fapstronaut

    Enjoyed reading so far!
    Looking forward to the next chapters!
    kosoyey likes this.
  9. kosoyey

    kosoyey Fapstronaut

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