Here a second time (2014), now quitting for good.

Last time I posted here was back in 2014. I was trying to adress some issues I encountered, read about PIED and quitting porn, made a very detailed post explaining my process. I had a gf back then, she was a medical doctor, went researching by herself and ended up making an account to the forum herself, read all the posts I had written and could infer it was me. She read all the stuff I posted trusting the anonimity, shtuff which were not intended for her knowledge of course, including interactions with other women (I never cheated, she did tho). Story short, she scolded me and I deleted my posts. I didn't follow up NOFAP NOT because of that of course, but because I didn't take responsibility for what I wanted, I didn't even have the tools to know what I wanted much less deal with it. I was very reactive, impulsive, couldn't calm my mind down, didn't have my shit together TBH.
10 years later, having gone to therapy, Vipassana meditation, having quit alcohol and tobacco, moved countries, gone through 3 other long term relationships, one very messy abortion, as many as a hundred something casual relationships, switched professions, repaired my relationship with mom and family, faced my fucking demons (they were in fact middle class and tame), I'm back at the forum.
I'm a sex addict, porn addict, and affection addict. First time I PMOd I was 13, been doing since. I am tired of not trusting my erections, I am tired of not going after the girl that I want because I am afraid my penis wont work, so I settle for less (which is a very funny thing, I get the most potent unaided erections with girls I dont care for). I am tired of, when I put the work (get over my rejection anxiety) and actually bring home the girl that I want, I get both performance anxiety and PIED, which guarantees I wont see her again. It's not just you penis doesn't work, you become very insecure, and we all know how women love insecure men. And I am tired of taking erection aids, I work with my eyesight and tadalafil wrecks your vision. I am at a point I take aids to got to a club, just so I can relax knowing I'm covered if I make lucky.
Now the good news, I quit porn about a month ago, haven't looked porn since. I have MO, although I reduced it to a much smaller frequency then before. I was able to have unaided sex for a couple of times, I also could calm down and start listening to my desire. One thing about porn is that you believe every girl is potentially fuckable, but attraction just tells me otherwise now (the lenghts to which I went to satisfy my desire to have sex, or the waist girth should I say). I am never again seeing porn, I have made a commitment to myself. I am addressing the issues now, no matter what the outcome, difficulty and uncomfort it generates. I'm doing it because I want to be responsible to myself, and to everyone else. Of course I couldn't get what I wanted when I failed to get an erection, but I also brought frustration and desilusion to someone else. I couldn't understand commitment because I wasn't entering relationships I really wanted to, it was more like because I was afraid of being alone, sexually frustrated, and all of that because I thought "here's someone I feel so attracted to I can have an erection with, how rare that is, I'm so grateful I'll pay it back with promise of love". It never was that simple of course, but that was a part of it, and I feel like I've been unloyal to women who loved me because of that.
Also, even the relationships I truly chose, I never could really relax and really enjoy being in them, because I wasn't satisfied with the deal of letting go of the potential to have sex with all the other women for just one. There are of course valid reasons for that, but they're not mine: I was all the time trying to prove myself sexually potent to me, and that included knowing for a fact I could go outside, approach, close in, bring home and have sex with girls I find attractive. The only thing is that, in order to do that, I have to have an erection, and I knew it was a game of chance. So whenever I was in a relationship, I still wasn't secure about something I dearly wanted to be secure about, which is the capacity to do all of that, and I held back from fully commiting to women who gave me their best.
Anyways, began to ramble.
Now, 2023, I have quit porn. All these years, fapping to EFUKT and Heavy-R, seeing all that cultural industry bullshit, understanding that if I wanted that kind of sex with that frequency I'd have to pay for it, understanding that intimacy and self reliance are connected, and that life is much happier when you don't substitute the things you want (with all their failings) for a similar thing that you don't want; understanding I can love and be loved, and that I can have casual relationships not to escape daily life but because I like them; that I can change, be responsible for my happiness, leave addictions and live the real thing; and that I can restore my penis (or at least I dearly hope so), I DECIDED I WILL NEVER AGAIN PMO.
If you've read so far, thank you. I hope you are doing fine, and that your process is grateful and resolutive.

 

Just a quick update, journal mode, wondering why it has such a power over me, to hijack my normal train of thought, and make me feel like im missing out from the action when I am not having orgasms. I am a productive professional, yet I can't feel complete, I feel like my very existence is threatened if I don't orgasm, and that there are people out there getting exactly what I want when I want, and that I am lesser somehow because of that. Compared to who, to the porn actors and actresses? I wouldn't really envy their existence, 90 something percent of them live a very very meagre life. But porn, lifeless as it is, shows me that there is sex being had, and I'm not having it. The thing that counters this feeling the most is not having a stable and caring a relationship, but casual sex and making porn of my own.