How am I supposed to have sex with him?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by BetrayedMermaid, Mar 18, 2018.

  1. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

    360
    974
    123
    My husbands doing the 90 day of No PMO although he had a “close call” and actually watched 20 minutes of porn... and he says he didn’t MO... but he lies... anyway that’s off the point.

    I was just getting sick to my stomach with how many pictures and videos I have sent him over the years of myself trying to be all sexy and playful and turn him on… And all that probably did was make him want to look at other women/girls. And that’s probably exactly what he did when he got my pictures… so now I just realized how can’t ever send pictures to him again. That’s really sad because I had some really good photos... now I want him to erase all the photos he has of me. And when I think of what he was comparing me too? Ugh... I feel like a total idiot.

    So this makes me think how am I ever supposed to be sexy with him? How my supposed to do different positions or blow or... just anything???

    Because if this is an addiction like an alcohol addiction, Alcoholics can’t even have one drink. Sexis like one drink and will send him into full blown addiction again. How are we supposed to be intimate again at all??? .... that’s a drink, right?

    I mean this is assuming that I will ever get to a point where I don’t get grossed out by the look of him.
     
  2. kevinfine

    kevinfine Fapstronaut

    111
    116
    43
    Hi @BetrayedMermaid ,
    From a guys point of view also doing 90 day I can tell you that my relationship is getting stronger since I started. Having sex is not like a drink (as you say) but sending him photos may be a trigger. If my wife sent me sexy photos right now - it may trigger a part of my brain that is already wired to the pathway like this:
    * Picture will stimulate my brain
    * I will look for more to heighten the urge
    * I will then MO

    What I am training myself to do is.. I will only have sex with my wife and focus on her .. If we don't get to having sex then I will be on no O. I am rewiring my brain to focus on her as my only source for sexual pleasure.. anything else is FAKE. It's not wasy but doable !

    Let me know if you have any other questions..
    Also good on your man for starting NoFap :)
     
  3. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I have been intimate with my PA, since he began recovery (and before). He says it does not trigger him and never has. He's been dealing with this for over a decade; and had I not caught him all those times - based on our sex life, I would have NEVER guessed he was a PA at all. Unattentive? yep, Not emotionally attached to me? yep, but those things can happen with or without a PA. So, I think sex; even during recovery is not a trigger unless he comes out and tells you that it is.

    So, it is really up to him to figure out, but he HAS to let you know (be honest with you).

    Just my opinion.
     
  4. Unlike alcohol, sex/porn Addiction is a behavioral addiction and it involves something we can’t really go without—sex.

    The trick is he has to learn intimacy and connection. Touching, eye-gazing, romance and sharing. Take the “porn” out of the sex.
     
  5. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    1,003
    3,198
    143
    You almost have it right... the key difference is reason for having sex. Sex, when done out of love and companionship, is healthy. Sex, when done to numb, escape, or medicate negative emotions, is unhealthy. If a recovering addict can stay present and in the moment then that is healthy. If a recovering addict fantasizes, objectifies, and disconnects during sex then that is unhealthy.

    Women should not have to compete with pornographic imagery. Some couples have chosen to abstain for a period of time before being intimate. Sure, the amorous feelings his has for you after the abstinence period may be partly due to withdrawal symptoms, but at least you will be in control of how he gets those desires satisfied.

    But even before you engage in sex, issues such as trust and honesty need to be addressed. Basically, your SO is a stranger to you. Worse, he is a stranger who has hurt you deeply. You can't be vulnerable or feel safe around that person. Sex is complicated enough without these additional problems. An abstinence period takes sex off the table for a set period of time while you work on more important things.

    Chapter 11 in The Porn Trap talks about how to heal sexually as a couple. It talks about how to engage in courtship rituals that set the stage for sex. How to talk openly about sexual topics without judgment or fear. How to be intimate without being sexual. How to appreciate the person in front of you. And how to involve your heart in sex.

    We can all understand how difficult it is to restart an activity that reminds you so much of the hurt you've been caused and the damage that was done. There are things that each one of you might need to do before you reach this step, but it can be one area where you heal together.
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2018
    Torn, Soren K., Gooding and 4 others like this.
  6. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    1,697
    3,759
    143
    I partially agree. Humans can - and do - live without sex. It is not a basic need. No one dies from never having sex again.

    But @DemonSemen is right in that intimacy must be relearned. Intimacy is much more important than the act of sex and once the connection and intimacy is repaired, sex will follow.
     
  7. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

    360
    974
    123
    What’s sad is I thought we had intimacy- I thought we had a beautiful connection. We have both been through so much together and he has told me things from his past (very bad things) that he was ashamed of- and I loved him through it. And I’m just blindsided by the fact he lied to me on this porn issue and his debt issue our whole relationship together... I feel very stupid that I missed the fact that I don’t seem to know him intimately at all. I gave him my all.... and trusted that he was giving me his all..... but he did not give me his all. So I question—- have I ever really had an intimate relationship with any man??? I’m a very honest- forthright person- I guess I expected he was the same.
     
    Torn likes this.
  8. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

    360
    974
    123

    So how do I even know that I have an intimate relationship with him again? It felt intimate before… How will I even know the difference?
     
  9. True, but I wasn’t being 100% literal. Sex is a basic social/psychological need. Yes, you won’t die without it but um, why live w/o if you don’t have too?
     
  10. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

    360
    974
    123
    He’s still not completely honest- he still does the omitting of pertunent details, making things seem way less problematic than they really are- only until I point blank asked him and then prompt him to please be honest with me will he come out with the whole truth. And honestly I don’t even know if he’s coming out with the whole truth even still. So there’s one problem with starting anything sexual. But My biggest obstacle for even feeling a little bit sexual towards him is that he masturbated thinking specifically of my daughter...His stepdaughter who was 17 at the time. I can’t get the thought out of my mind when I look at him. I know porn hijacked his mind and I know that step daughter stepson stuff is readily available to click on and poison the mind and I’m really really trying hard to look at the man and the addiction as separate but holy shit...how can I possibly ever trust him around my daughter again? How can we ever be a family again? and how will I ever see him as anything but a perverted sex predator? If I get past this it will be a miracle. The hair on the back of my neck stands up when they are in the same room which has only been three times since DDay feb 5th. I watch him like a hawk.

    I’ll get a hold of that book “I wanna get better1”

    But is there really any hope in my situation? My daughter lives with me still... I’ll always be paranoid that he’s wanting her... and it infuriates me. I can’t have him live with her while I don’t trust him... and if she’s a trigger- never. And will he be honest with me that she’s a trigger if she is.? He will probably omit that pertinent detail.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  11. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    I cannot respond in detail sorry

    But pervert and predator are not same
     
    Recovering PA likes this.
  12. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

    360
    974
    123
    I don’t want to see my husband as either of those... I really love him... my heart hurts so bad.
     
    Deleted Account and kropo82 like this.
  13. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    The fact that he were able to reveal to you such things that typically guys would never reveal makes me think you two have a strong connection. You need to find a way to make him responsible for his reboot. Give him reasons and motivation to do it. And you should have space and distance from this while thing to heal yourself. IMHO your hurting, crying in pain image is not going to help him or you. You need to reach a healthy state from where you could attract and pull him out... All this is if you are still committed in this relationship.
     
    BetrayedMermaid likes this.
  14. CrimsnBlade

    CrimsnBlade Fapstronaut

    492
    1,835
    123
    I'm currently doing 90 days hard mode and I have talked to my wife about it. We are abstaining on purpose because I wanted to completely reset everything in my brain as much as I can. We've grown closer because of this because sex is now off the table for the time being. So we don't even have to think about it or talk about it or feel pressured to perform or anything like that. I'm saying this because I think you may be overwhelming yourself so much, thinking of all of these things you're going through. I can't speak to your specific situation, but I know that for us, picking a starting point and just focusing on that (90 day challenge) was a start for us, and it's helping us. So try to pick a starting point for you and your SO and just start there, don't overwhelm yourself with trying to fix everything at once. Just take one step at a time.

    He does need to be completely honest with you though. Whether he's scared to tell you the truth or whatever, he has to be honest. That's the only way to overcome this is to be 100% transparent with each other.
     
    BetrayedMermaid and Gooding like this.
  15. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    1,697
    3,759
    143
    You know my opinion on this. Step-dad or bio dad...this is a deal breaker for me. There is no emotional bond that would keep me tied to a man that had admitted to having sexual thoughts (and subsequently acted on them) about my children.

    Years ago I found literotica on my father-in-law's computer with a number of stories about grandfathers and their granddaughters, as well as porn that looked very much like child porn. We called him out on it and he has never been left alone with my daughter. Unfortunately, my sil thinks we are horrible people for doing that and has always given him unfettered access to her kids. They are late teenagers now and the signs of grooming and ongoing molestation with her daughter are unmistakable to an outsider but there is no solid proof, meaning we've never seen him touch her and she's never said he has and there's never been physical signs like trauma to the private area (that my husband and I are aware of). There are a million other signs that those who love my fil have chosen to be blind to.
     
    BetrayedMermaid likes this.
  16. This is a huge issue and one you may not be able to work past. And if that happens—it’s okay b/c this is his addiction, not yours. As much as we addicts can place blame on porn’s influence, trauma, self-loathing, etc., in the end we make choices. Bad choices but choices nonetheless. Honesty does not always equal forgiveness or trust. This is the burden of addiction for the addict. The shitty part is that it can break the hearts of our loved ones.

    My point is if you can not ever fully trust him that is no shortcoming on your part.
     
  17. Ah, that's your "dark side" limbic system talking.
    No, for me: the key is to say I don't need sex right now. I will live clean - now. I will find a new path- now.
    Sex will find a way in the right place and time, and when it does it will be right and it will be better.
    But the battle is for the value of the here and now.
     
    Trappist likes this.
  18. first of all I am a 26 year old girl and ex addict from 1 year
    well, it was obvious that he m to your pictures..
    I don't think that getting your pics made him want to look at other women though
    he would have done the same. men like to look and p and the women he feeded himself to obviously increased this
    I would say as SO of a p addict to "cool down" and avoid sexualizing your relationship with him this much
    that is what he doesn't need at all to be able to reboot
    a video where the wife of Terry Crews speaks candidly how she felt and how they both dealt with his addiction


    being sexy is not that important in a relationship. when you have chemistry in bed you know but it shouldn't be the ultimate goal of a relationship

    "I mean this is assuming that I will ever get to a point where I don’t get grossed out by the look of him" WOW who do you think you are? grossed out by the look at your so? it looks superficial the reason you want to stay with him and you are selfish just worried about meeting your s. needs. in relationship you help each other, there should be support

    i don't see you a good presence for him at all. plus you def have a problem with s. addiction for sure. for me the healthiest decision is for you to leave him so than you can keep s.ting someone else and he can fully reboot
     
  19. CrimsnBlade

    CrimsnBlade Fapstronaut

    492
    1,835
    123
    Do you know the whole story? She's told the reason that she's "grossed out" by him in earlier posts. I haven't experienced what she's been through but it sounds like it would be extremely difficult to deal with.
     
    Gooding, BetrayedMermaid and Numb like this.
  20. Well then given her husband m thinking about his stepdaughter I would say for the sake of everyone to break up from this man. This is a sick and dangerous situation for everyone. What if he decides one day to touch her? You never know. I will divorce a man if he had these perverted thoughts about one of my kids. Absolutely unacceptable @BetrayedMermaid
     
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2018

Share This Page