Year 2019 was for me a time of extreme escalation and probably all time lowest point in my mental health, self esteem etc. I developed sissy fetish, I felt strong need for sexual submissiveness, I was thinking that I might be trans or gay and my life might just turn 180 degrees any moment. I never had any gay thoughts before and only few experiences with crossdressing (I just natutally lost interest). Year 2020 was time of slow recovery. I have lost sissy fetish. However each time I was doing more than 10-15 days nofap, I had intense desires to go on gay app and have sex with men. Back in 2019 when I had first gay thoughts I was really scared. During 2020 it became more mundane, it wasn't that much of a suprise to me, because I already had it before. Now I feel that impulses I first got in 2019 that were radically against my past identity evolved into something less extreme and more acceptable. It's almost like dialectics - thesis, antithesis, synthesis. I identify now as bisexual with romantic preference for women. The fact that I desire sex with men does not mean that I will become exclusively gay. Instead of exclusive submissive I feel more like power bottom. I actually find some sub scenarios desireable and I have urges to act them out with women or men on my terms. I do not want my dominant partner to be abusive or emotionally unavailable. I do not see submissiveness as a bargain to help my insecuritues or made me worthy of attention. While problem of unaccepted homosexual desires is new to me and definitely it is effect of porn and low mental point, I also have a lifelong furry fetish. I never accepted it and it was mentaly draining for me to live with it. Always when I had those gay fantasies I was going on a furry app to chat with potential hook ups and before of understanding of my fetish I feel more comfortable exploring my sexuality on those apps than on normal gay or fetish apps.I had a lifelong policy of zero interference with furry fandom because of all the damage that furry porn made to me during the years, because of all fetishes I got. After my early experiences I just came to conclusion that this community is as bad as I thought before, but then I found other apps, that were convinient to look for potential hook ups. And while still I believe that furry fandom is toxic, I just had to admit that with my fetishes it is just suited to me for looking for sexual partner. I won't come out as bisexual and I definitely won't come out as a furry. It may be a wierd thing to say but after all the bad things that this fandom made to me, I feel that it would be "just" to have some fun from it. If I can't get rid of it, at least I can have sex because of it. And in comparison to 2019 sexual feelings I have now are something that I can accept. I am very tired of changing fetishes and I am very tired of having part of myself that I do not accept. On the other side I would prefer without hesitation to go back to my pre 2018 sexuality but I don't know if I can do this. This sexual middle ground from the perspective if terrible last year feels like a good bargain, from perspective of my whole life it feels like dramatic change for the worse. Most importantly I suspect it might be a step on a journey to full recovery and being attached to much to my current state may prevent me from completing recovery. Can anybody relate?