I am getting used to changes in my sexuality

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Freedom_from_PMO, Nov 17, 2020.

  1. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    Year 2019 was for me a time of extreme escalation and probably all time lowest point in my mental health, self esteem etc. I developed sissy fetish, I felt strong need for sexual submissiveness, I was thinking that I might be trans or gay and my life might just turn 180 degrees any moment. I never had any gay thoughts before and only few experiences with crossdressing (I just natutally lost interest).

    Year 2020 was time of slow recovery. I have lost sissy fetish. However each time I was doing more than 10-15 days nofap, I had intense desires to go on gay app and have sex with men. Back in 2019 when I had first gay thoughts I was really scared. During 2020 it became more mundane, it wasn't that much of a suprise to me, because I already had it before.

    Now I feel that impulses I first got in 2019 that were radically against my past identity evolved into something less extreme and more acceptable. It's almost like dialectics - thesis, antithesis, synthesis. I identify now as bisexual with romantic preference for women. The fact that I desire sex with men does not mean that I will become exclusively gay. Instead of exclusive submissive I feel more like power bottom. I actually find some sub scenarios desireable and I have urges to act them out with women or men on my terms. I do not want my dominant partner to be abusive or emotionally unavailable. I do not see submissiveness as a bargain to help my insecuritues or made me worthy of attention.

    While problem of unaccepted homosexual desires is new to me and definitely it is effect of porn and low mental point, I also have a lifelong furry fetish. I never accepted it and it was mentaly draining for me to live with it. Always when I had those gay fantasies I was going on a furry app to chat with potential hook ups and before of understanding of my fetish I feel more comfortable exploring my sexuality on those apps than on normal gay or fetish apps.I had a lifelong policy of zero interference with furry fandom because of all the damage that furry porn made to me during the years, because of all fetishes I got. After my early experiences I just came to conclusion that this community is as bad as I thought before, but then I found other apps, that were convinient to look for potential hook ups. And while still I believe that furry fandom is toxic, I just had to admit that with my fetishes it is just suited to me for looking for sexual partner.

    I won't come out as bisexual and I definitely won't come out as a furry. It may be a wierd thing to say but after all the bad things that this fandom made to me, I feel that it would be "just" to have some fun from it. If I can't get rid of it, at least I can have sex because of it. And in comparison to 2019 sexual feelings I have now are something that I can accept. I am very tired of changing fetishes and I am very tired of having part of myself that I do not accept. On the other side I would prefer without hesitation to go back to my pre 2018 sexuality but I don't know if I can do this. This sexual middle ground from the perspective if terrible last year feels like a good bargain, from perspective of my whole life it feels like dramatic change for the worse.

    Most importantly I suspect it might be a step on a journey to full recovery and being attached to much to my current state may prevent me from completing recovery.

    Can anybody relate?
     
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  2. modernstore99

    modernstore99 Fapstronaut

    I don't want to type it out lol, so go to my profile and then onto the "Information" tab. Scroll down and look for a link titled "Am I a Sissy?". I suggest you read it. Very similar situation to you, and I am very happy with the outcome so far, and I'm not even 100% healed.
     
  3. iwontfail67

    iwontfail67 Fapstronaut

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    You're basically letting the extreme porn addiction win. Ask yourself if you TRUELY want to do these submissive gay things are is is just an extreme porn scenario that is craving its shocking hit of dopamine. I assume you've watched all the extreme porn genres where you're watching girls getting dominated and acting really submissive, and I bet that your brain has concluded that the idea to be dominated while acting really submissive = arousing, because thats all the porn you are watching. And now you're stuck in a cycle where your porn addiction is trying to put the most extreme and shocking things you saw and thought back into your mind so you can feel that extreme shocking dopamine hit again. You're basically fiending for that life threatening dosage of meth.

    Ask yourself this. When you're outside in real life do you have a genuine feeling to be submissive? When you're talking to random guys or walk past them do you actually feel like you could easily be submissive for them right there? Do you actually have these feelings in reality? Or are these things purely in your brain to shock you. Because if you force yourself to partake in this shit in reality, then theres no deleting your browser history and forgiving yourself. That shits in your mind for life. And it will torment you every single day. So will this truly make you happy?

    For me personally, I struggled with this extreme gay crap for a while. I would have flashes in my mind about being submissive and degraded in extreme pornographic scenarios. And it got the point where I would practice those scenarios with myself. And every single time I did that, I felt like i was forcing myself to act like those porn stars, and over exaggerating every single aspect of being submissive, just to create more of a shock for my brain, all while death gripping myself to impotence. And did it make me feeling happy? HELL NO. It made me feel empty, disgusting, pathetic and horrible. It genuinely felt like I was FORCING myself to do all of that stuff just for the sake of the porn addiction. The lead up into it was giving me extreme pornographic responses and as soon as I would do the act to myself, I would get a jolt of pornographic shock. But was it arousal? Was it attraction and pleasure? Nope. Just a huge shock. And because of years of porn addiction I essentially eroticised those shocks that make me feel degraded. When I was done, I would just stare at myself distraught. I knew from the moment I started acting it out that I was not for me, but I did it anyway.

    And this happened multiple times, with the same result every single time. it felt like I was hijacked. Like I NEEDED to degrade myself and force myself to act like a submissive pornstar in an extreme porn scenario. And every time it killed me. But I can forgive myself and move on because I know that it was all conditioned from the porn addiction. It means nothing about me. It contradicts who I am and what my dreams have been since I first knew what a girl was. It doesn't make me happy or fulfilled, It just shocks me and makes me feel like crap. I felt unrecognisable. But I can forgive myself for all of it because I never took that fatal step to reality. Because if I did, IT would have been me forcing myself against my will to do something against who I am, all for the sake of shocking my brain. And then I would have spent eternity with this in my mind every day, tormenting me, porn addiction laughing at me. And yeah, I still struggle with flashes every now and then, and HOCD which flashes shit like "what if you're bi, What if you actually like being degraded? What if you don't like girls anymore." ALL that shit. And that irrational fear and doubt from OCD has made me re-act all of those extreme things over and over again as a way to see if my OCD was right. And of course, It never was right. EVER.

    So all I have to say is trust reality. Trust your reality. Trust who YOU are and not what a decade long porn addiction has put into you. I have always had ME in my heart. The ME that knew who I was when I was young. The ideal lifestyle I want in life and the type of person that I want to be. And that ME contradicts all the extreme porn submissive shit that I forced onto myself. So do I listen to ME or do I listen to the porn addiction wanting one more extreme hit? Ask yourself that.
     
  4. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    I would love to listen to this narrated by Alex Jones.

    I felt exactly like you in last year when I was struggling with sissy fetish, it felt extremely forced. Now my fantasies about being sub or bisexual are a lot less extreme. I do not feel like repeating what I have seen in porn, rather my past sexuality and porn met in a middle.

    For some people hocd or sissy fetish feel forced and then they just go and things reverse themselves. I would be happy if it was my case. Maybe what I am experiencing is last effort of my uncosciousness to get some sexual reward. Because I don't really have problem with desire to look at porn or fap, I think that I have more self control than ever.

    And the fact that I accepted being bi, does not mean that I will act on it. In fact I don't want and would prefer this to be just a phase. When I had those extreme urges that were opposite to how I was before, there was no way to accept that I have them and be myself, now I feel that those changes in my sexuality do not threaten my core identity (in some other aspects I became better person recently), I do not have to act on them. And I feel that newfound integrity, the feeling that there is just me, not me and anti-me feels really good. I think that identity crisis was making nofap harder by worsening my mood. Also like many people questioning their orientation I was sometimes rationalising looking at gay porn as "testing myself if I am really gay". Now when I accepted that I am bi, I just know that I like gay porn and I don't have to check myself or overthink that. I can finally make nofap my priority. I hope that this is a phase, but I am no more anxious about my sexuality changing.
     
  5. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    While I don't think that your experience is comparable to my current state, I appreciate your post, I was there and many guys were thwre
     
  6. iwontfail67

    iwontfail67 Fapstronaut

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    If being bisexual is something that feels right to you then go for it. For me personally, it definitely does not. I just can't see myself ever happy again if I ever let an extreme porn addiction morph into my identity, especially when its fuelled by the most extreme self degrading things in porn that literally only ever give me a shock. But if it makes you happy, then who I am I to argue.

    But just a question, Do you actually LIKE gay porn? Or do you just react to it because its an extreme porn genre that is breaking through your desensitisation?
     
  7. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    I'll try to phrase myself as good as I can. First while I had some fetishes that were quite extreme (like sissy), there was still much room to fall and what is important I very rarely masturbated more than once per day and I was most of the times spending couple if minutes on watching porn, an hour was really long and rare, I wasn't edging and stuff. My escalation was bad and I wasn't able to break with porn for very long time, but I would not consider my addiction extreme (there are people who edge for hours or masturbate multiple times a day, I wasn't one of them). This a bit of a background.

    And for example if I would let sissy fetish became my lifestyle I would probably end killing myself or some shit. Yeah things influenced my identity, but I want't to specify that I don't want to be degraded or humiliated sexually, rather just take submissive/bottom role with men or women. I am ok with vanilla sex with women.

    First I still like vanilla stuff and solo images, I escalated but not because normal porn was doing nothing to me. And honestly I don't know answear to this question and I don't know how to tell.

    My attitude now is that having one more coherent identity is preferable to having two conflicting ones in permanent conflict. Also in the past I was afraid that all this sissy bullshit will just completely overtake me. And then it would be no way to hide from my family or friends, I would lost my life as it was. Now it is really dependant on how I'll deal with my current state. And how I said, I don't want to act on those fantasies but for example I prefer to explore them in a safe manner rather than being overtaken and doing some really dumb shit. Still, I prefer not to and I feel that I just have lots of libido that is normally pacified by masturbation. The whole thing even may go away, I would be happy. But for the time being I am bi, it has it downsides, but internal peace is just more important to me than pretending that I am stilk straight and everything is fine. If the newfound integrity will help me with nofap then it would be amazing. Also considering how much changed I will be extra carefull in the future, because a relapse might push my sexuality even further.
     
  8. iwontfail67

    iwontfail67 Fapstronaut

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    If that identity sits well with you and makes you feel at peace, then good for you! Can't argue with that if it makes you feel good and at ease. But just please be careful with acting out in real life. The idea of being a bottom for a gay man does come across as something that was fuelled by porn. What i'm saying is, the idea of doing it is most likely alot more arousing than actually doing it. And I just don't want you to go out and do something that won't live up to how you've anticipated it in your mind, and then now your stuck with it for life regretting it every day. Good luck to you, and I'm sure you will figure all of this out.
     
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  9. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    It absolutely might be the case, I am aware of that. I just know that things may happen. It is not the way I would choose if somebody would give me some "character editor" that could change every aspect of my personality. When I was regularly watching porn I had a lot less gay thoughts and I was coping with failing nofap by "at least I do not have those gay fantasies that often". It was occasional rather rare fap to gat porn and that's it. So I felt "straight" most for the time, but I was miserable because of porn addiction. Now I am doing with nofap really well but I am undeniably bisexual. If this is some wierd price, then I guess I'll take it, because I might do some risky thing, but I might also never have gay encounter. I have a potential to do bad instead of doing bad.
     
  10. iwontfail67

    iwontfail67 Fapstronaut

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    Good luck to you then. But please be careful and don't do anything that you'll regret forever. I'm sure you've read multiple stories of people on here who took that extra step into reality and had it torment them for life. But anyway, good luck! You got this.
     
  11. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    I did a quick skim read of everything posted here and as such apologies if I missed any key details, and I also dont want to come across as presumptuous, BUT, I feel like you might be making a mistake here. When you are addicted to something for a long time, in this case porn, the brain will try a lot of things to try to get you to go back to doing that thing. One thing that it will do, and I've experienced this myself, is that after a while, certain feelings will become much more intense and its very easy to think "oh but I'm on a good streak, these must be my true feelings," when this is more than likely not the case. What is actually happening is the brain is trying desperately to get you to slip up, to rationalise returning to old habits by making you believing things that arent true.

    Not being anxious about these things is a positive step, or at least I think so, but at the same time dont allow it to breed complacency that pushes you right back to porn. Addiction is insidious and speaking from person experience, I have led myself unknowingly to relapse many times by adopting some of the ideas about myself that you write about here. I also have to make note of the fact you are on day 26, I dont know how long you have gotten and I dont want to base what I am about to say on an arbitrary number, but having said all that 3-6 weeks in is the EXACT time I started to feel similar to this too, and I feel like that means enough of something to mention it.
     
  12. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    It absolutely might be the case and honestly I hope that this is a last defence effort of my brain to force me to go back to addiction. That's why I don't want to act on it.

    I just prefer to accept, that at least for the time being, I am not straight anymore and try to live with it and avoid further damage than being constantly anxious about becoming not straight. I still like women, so if I'll play my cards right no drastic changes to my lifestyle will happen. I'll just have to deal with those urges. And after all I have experienced I really don't want to go back to porn because of how much, maybe irreversable changes, it have done. I may be minimalist but I am especially glad that I have dealt completelt with sissy fetish under the year, I remember reading that being unable to deal with properly may lead to dysphoria and then to transition. And those are not some additional fantasies that can be managable if you are strong willed enough. I know that many people beat this, but lots deal with the problem for long time and some, probably rather small minority, fall for it completely and transition. The thing is at the beginning you never know if you will fall into this group. I am glad I did not.
     
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  13. modernstore99

    modernstore99 Fapstronaut

    Coming to terms with your sexuality is one of the first steps in conquering the sissy fetish. Being okay with liking men, looking feminine, and putting stuff up your butt takes away the anxiety, shame, and fear you feel, which actually reduces your arousal and urges, and makes it easier to overcome the addiction.

    I used to literally think I was trans and destined to live as a "sissy". I did the reboot to not only get over my PIED, but to see if my desires would change or not. After rebooting and having sex, I literally didn't think about being a sissy at all for 7 months. Today, I still have the mindset "maybe I'm bi, maybe I can try anal later, maybe I can wear something subby with my gf". Do I try those things? Absolutely not, because my mind is still so clouded by porn. However, feeling anxious or shameful about them only increases their addictive tendencies, so just let the fear go. These desires may be innate, in which there's no need to fight or resist. However, 2 years ago I literally thought I was trans, and I know now that was 100% BS, so these desires I still feel today are likely 100% BS as well.
     
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  14. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    This is true. Even if the endgame is to completely recover less anxiety is just better than more. Also I don't want to be feminine, I am happy with my masculinity and I want to work on it.

    This is pretty much where I am now today. I would like to have dom gf, but I'll not prioritise sexuality over romantic feelings. And after all very few women are doms anyway.

    I am sure that in my case furry fetish is innate. In case of sissy it started two years ago. I crossdressed only few times before and became bored with this fairly quickly. It can mean that I always had this side but as well it can mean that it is aquired if I wasn't that hooked before sissy fetish.

    I hope they are bs but I just wouldn't care that much if in my case they weren't.

    Very interesting post, thanks for insights.
     
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2020
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  15. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    I was doing a lot of introspection recently and falling for a desire to have gay sex is a lot more arousing than gay sex itself. And this fantasy of repressed homosexual accepting his desires and enjoying them is something I got from porn (almost all gay porn I was looking at shared the same story). This is a big sign that my bisexuality might be porn induced bs and fully reversible.

    My fantasy of masculine presenting, dominant girlfriend is just a more acceptable version of the repressor turned gay fantasy, submitting to a man is replaced by submitting to a woman. I also do not have that strong desire to seen this fantasy becoming a reality, vanilla relation with a feminine woman is not only acceptable, but something I really want, when I throw out through the window all the BS. I am both emotionally and sexually attracted to femininity and I don't have doubts about it. All those role reversals, partial attractions to masculinity are themes from porn that I internalised. In comparison to peak of my sissy fetish I can say things are normalising and I hope it will continue untill full recovery.
     
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  16. iwontfail67

    iwontfail67 Fapstronaut

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    Its the same with everyone who goes through this. Its all porn. The idea of doing that extreme dirty pornographic act is reinforcing the porn's hold over you. You are literally thinking of extreme porn and it is constantly shocking your brain. But when it become reality, its no longer a thought. Its real. And that reality goes beyond what you as a person is physically able to do because its not part of who you are. Thats why people who experience this always know it feels so wrong, but cant escape it. Because they keep thinking and focusing on it every day and making the extreme porn thoughts an important part of their thought process. Partner that with low self esteem issues and any other negative self worth views, and you're essentially erotising the idea of being degraded because you think you don't have another choice. In your mind it feels like its the most important thing in the world, but in reality you don't actually like doing it at all. But you feel like you have to FORCE yourself to like it because thats what mind has been saying you need. But as we all know, thats just the porn addiction wanting more shocks to keep it alive.
     
  17. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    Being aroused by an idea and not the actual act is a very common problem caused by porn addiction. I am very glad to see you are realising this now rather than after you went through with anything (I know you said you weren't going to but still.)
     
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  18. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    I also came to the realisation that I might tolerate the act to get attention and validation, even if turns out not to be really that pleasant or arousing.

    I am still probably not fully recovered fromy two years long period of depression, subconsciously I still have a lot of angst about being unloved, I don't obsess about it as I was doing in the past, now I don't have such thoughts really and I gained enough confidence to plan going backt to daiting as soon as whole corona situation lessens a bit. Damn, I really should just find myself a girlfiend and see how it goes. I wasn't even that sexual in my past relationship, I wasn't pushing anything (we both wanted to wait till marriage, we have non sexual intimacy, damn I miss those kisses). I really woldn't mind having girlfriend who is not very sexual person as long as there is intimacy and affection.

    I think I was pursuing sexual validation from furries both because some scrap of validation was fairly easy to get, but also because I still believed deep down that validation from wowmen is beyond my reach. Some guys like to boost their confidence by having casual sex and while I was thinking about all those gay hook ups it was an argument and part of the rationalisation to me (I'll lose v-card, I'll finally have sex life like other people, I'll be more confident in dealing with other people), the idea of hook ups with women as confidence boosters just never happens to me. When I think about having ons with a girl, or more realistically lucking out or getting a pity fuck, yeah it might be some quick fun, but I don't think it would really change how I see myself or make me happy, because it is not really how I imagine my relationships with women and not really what I want. Also while I ultimatively see furries and men as ersatz relationships, I'll just take what is available, because women are my real interest, I have standards and I woldn't take situation I wouldn't be comfortable with, for example I wouldn't accept open relationship, while with men I don't care about it, because I don't care about them really.

    So yeah, I guess I'll have to ask Santa for a gf this Christmas. But seriously I need to think more long term and focus on finding a relationship when I'll have opportunity to do so.
     
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  19. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    This is something I would have said but you pretty much summed it up. For whatever reason its much easier to get sex (at least casual sex) as a gay man than as a straight man, and this can lead to a lot of straight men tricking themselves, for want of a better word, into believing they actually want gay sex when in reality they just want sex with a woman, and treat gay sex as some sort of substitute. When you really think about it, its terribly sad to the point its almost tragic, that so many obviously straight men are so starved of feminine contact that they do this to themselves.
     
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  20. Little Prince

    Little Prince Fapstronaut

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    I had the same problem. The solution for me was to quit only porn at first. Doing noPMO actually did make me go to an app and find a trans woman. Luckily by the time her apartment mate left on holiday I recovered enough to not want this anymore.
     

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