I gravitate toward brutal porn when i am stressed out

Last 2 weeks were pretty hard for me, i am talking mostly about job. I work remote, there is shortage of people in my team, senior people dont want to help, and i am responsible for finishing work quickly on some sort of technology where i (and my entire) team have very limited knowledge of. Also with at 1 hour every day just for meeting with management where they track progress and ask me hard question. I work 9-5 but then often my job is not yet done, as i am still thinking what should i do next day,or what can be done better, or should i ask someone about something or not. I am afraid of doing wrong thing too much and getting fired.

I realized more stress i have and lower i feel i start to think about brutal porn.

Spoiler: triggering

For some reason i thought about painal video that i watched many years ago (why its still in my mind?). I opened Tor browser on phone and searched "blonde painal" on xvideos wonder if it will show up. I watched fragment of it with disabled sound then i closed porn site. It was midnight i think and i felt stimulated. I had to fall asleep and i thought i will never fall asleep - having this image of tears on her face (image so stimulating for me) still in my mind. I got boner and i decided to fap. I fapped on toilet concentrating purely on physical sensation - no porn and almost no imagination. I cummed then go to sleep.

But few days gone, work still stresses me out, my situation gets shittier and shittier and i still have urge to watch brutal videos.

Spoiler: triggering

Just hopped on pornhub page on tor browser and searched keyword, looked at some thumbnail until i got boner then i left page wondering what the fuck am i doing.

I know when i come back to watching porn habitually i will feel awful and in my situation, its not because of erectile dysfunction or addiction or things like that. I am just talking about morality of these things. I feel stressed out and its comforting for me to see women in pain. I just enjoy watching people suffering more than me. Maybe i am just evil person. I wonder if its because of porn conditioning since teenage years, that made me enjoy these things (and mind you, i dont watch most brutal and abusive porn there is - amateur anal porn where woman is clearly uncomfortable is sufficient for me, i dont need any facial abuse gangbang shit), or i was always so fucked up.
It would not be so bad if i thought everything was fine with it.

Spoiler: triggering

But every time i watch GDP, painal, hardcore throat fucking videos i feel like i would hate other people to know about that.

Thats why i mentioned about Tor, i would hate to know ISP knows what i watch and they could some day share it with my coworkers. Or if there is some tracking software installed on my laptop from time when i did my work on it, and my ex-coworkers still can see what i do on my computer. I am aware its extreme paranoia from my side, but what i can do being paranoid? I think watching such porn is shameful yet i get sexual satisfaction from it. I also get boners from De Sade prose, but books and my imagination at least is not getting controlled by outside forces - tracking software, ISP etc.