I gravitate toward brutal porn when i am stressed out

[MarcelProust]

Last 2 weeks were pretty hard for me, i am talking mostly about job. I work remote, there is shortage of people in my team, senior people dont want to help, and i am responsible for finishing work quickly on some sort of technology where i (and my entire) team have very limited knowledge of. Also with at 1 hour every day just for meeting with management where they track progress and ask me hard question. I work 9-5 but then often my job is not yet done, as i am still thinking what should i do next day,or what can be done better, or should i ask someone about something or not. I am afraid of doing wrong thing too much and getting fired.

I realized more stress i have and lower i feel i start to think about brutal porn.

Spoiler: triggering

For some reason i thought about painal video that i watched many years ago (why its still in my mind?). I opened Tor browser on phone and searched "blonde painal" on xvideos wonder if it will show up. I watched fragment of it with disabled sound then i closed porn site. It was midnight i think and i felt stimulated. I had to fall asleep and i thought i will never fall asleep - having this image of tears on her face (image so stimulating for me) still in my mind. I got boner and i decided to fap. I fapped on toilet concentrating purely on physical sensation - no porn and almost no imagination. I cummed then go to sleep.

But few days gone, work still stresses me out, my situation gets shittier and shittier and i still have urge to watch brutal videos.

Spoiler: triggering

Just hopped on pornhub page on tor browser and searched keyword, looked at some thumbnail until i got boner then i left page wondering what the fuck am i doing.

I know when i come back to watching porn habitually i will feel awful and in my situation, its not because of erectile dysfunction or addiction or things like that. I am just talking about morality of these things. I feel stressed out and its comforting for me to see women in pain. I just enjoy watching people suffering more than me. Maybe i am just evil person. I wonder if its because of porn conditioning since teenage years, that made me enjoy these things (and mind you, i dont watch most brutal and abusive porn there is - amateur anal porn where woman is clearly uncomfortable is sufficient for me, i dont need any facial abuse gangbang shit), or i was always so fucked up.
It would not be so bad if i thought everything was fine with it.

Spoiler: triggering

But every time i watch GDP, painal, hardcore throat fucking videos i feel like i would hate other people to know about that.

Thats why i mentioned about Tor, i would hate to know ISP knows what i watch and they could some day share it with my coworkers. Or if there is some tracking software installed on my laptop from time when i did my work on it, and my ex-coworkers still can see what i do on my computer. I am aware its extreme paranoia from my side, but what i can do being paranoid? I think watching such porn is shameful yet i get sexual satisfaction from it. I also get boners from De Sade prose, but books and my imagination at least is not getting controlled by outside forces - tracking software, ISP etc.

 

[LeonKennedy]

Aggressive porn is also something I gravitate towards. For me, it is the fantasy of power (being able to wreck somebody with my libido and my bc) and it is very certainly additionally fueled by pornography of that particular genre. I also struggle with it feeling immoral, because in real life I would never treat a girl like this. But when it's a girl I don't know, I am able to fully objectify her / not think of her as a person and get turned on by her suffering. Are there more fapstronauts who feel like this and want to get rid of those kind of kinks?

 

[onceaking]

I also struggle with it feeling immoral, because in real life I would never treat a girl like this.

Sometimes I have the urge to go on a cam site and be really nasty to a cam girl. More often than not I don't say anything but sometimes I do. I don't know why I have this urge... When I first started using cam sites I never wanted to do it. It might be that I went onto some porn sites that had guys saying misogynistic stuff and I allowed it to influence me. Or maybe I do it because it's thrilling? IDK... At the end of the day, I want to be someone who shows respect to women.

 

[loneloan]

TOR is safe,its secure but it has really bad stuff a click away. Even if you use it just for books,like I do, every search term shields horrible results,of them. even if you just type anything at all.
and since there are no rules at all, theres never a way to make sure youre not consuming actual ra/e videos.

 

[Haberdasher]

You're not an evil person. An evil person wouldn't question they're behavior. They'd revel in it. Because they're evil.

You are a good person with a chemical addiction to a destructive product and you are a person under high levels of stress and giving in to your chemical addiction is a form of self medication.

I also have a very demanding job. I self medicate constantly. I'm doing 3 different drugs right now. I get it. But you don't need porn. And it is destroying you. It is a corrosive product and the damage is dose dependant.

I watched a lot of aggressive porn too. It's partly a power fantasy. I would never have sex with my wife that way. But part of me wants to dominate and control. That's not a bad thing. It's part of being a man. But you have to channel that in a positive direction, like exercise or career, instead of grabbing a woman and hurting her.

You're not evil. You are a good person who wants to be a better person. And you can be. You can do this.

Everyone here supports you.