I wish I never ever watched you

I'm an 40 yr old, who has been watching porn since I was a teenager. When I first watched a DVD I bought from a sex shop in London, I never knew that it would change my life as an adult forever.

I recently ended an eight-year relationship with the love of my life. I struggled to feel anything, while having intercourse, even without a rubber. I was overstimulated with images and videos, plus I masturbated a lot. Intercourse with my ex, never felt as good as stimulation with my hand, while scrolling from video to video. I started to avoid sex altogether, because I didn't feel pleasure. I started to neglect my ex's feelings. I didn't want to kiss, cuddle or get affectionate in any way, because I knew where it would lead and I never wanted to disappoint them or myself.

I want to quit watching porn. A few months ago I swapped hardcore for softcore, thinking it wouldn't be as bad, but it still arouses me. The brain doesn't know the difference. I stopped watching softcore just three days ago and I never want to watch it again. I'm done. I don't want to have mood swings anymore. Watching porn gives me a massive high, which is hard to replicate in everyday life. However, the lows are horrible.

Three months ago I hired a PT and started going to the gym three times per week. I'm starting to look after myself more, plus I'm eating a lot more healthier than I have in the past. I've lost some fat and gained some muscle. I just want to focus on my mind, body and nutrition.

The plan is that one day, I'll be able to feel "normal" again. One day I'll be able to have a partner and a family of my own.

To anybody reading this, who can relate to anything I've said here today, take this addiction/habit seriously and try your absolute best to stop watching it. Your future self and relationships will thank you for it.

 

It's good that you've identified the problem at a young age. You've got time to change your life around. Your brain is so powerful, yet vulnerable at the same time. Look after it.

 

You're welcome. I hope my story gives you the encouragement to change.

 

I fell into the same trap. I would even read erotic Japanese comics, thinking that it wasn't as bad as video. Unfortunately, they're all designed to get your dopamine raging!

 

Yes when you're young, you think it's harmless. Addiction is bad for you. People are always addicted to things that are unhealthy for us. You've never heard of anybody being addicted to vegetables! A lot of the time it's porn/sex, gambling, food, alcohol etc.