I'm Kinda Lost..

As you see from my other posts, over the past few years I've had difficulties with watching adult videos, m******ation, and o****ing by myself. At first I had a lot of trouble rebooting; stopping the videos was the easy part, the physical release was the harder part. I had kindof a wild period where I slept with a lot of strangers, so that I was not doing it myself. And I tried dating a few times, without much luck. And finally, I managed to go 90 days without anything intentional. That was a pretty good accomplishment.

I've been kindof lost for a while now.. 10 months or so. It turns out that I got HPV from one of the strangers, and had these horrible warts on my face that had to be burned off. I tried to date the one guy with bipolar disorder, but I was exhausted trying to keep up with his high-highs and low-lows. I had a coworker bullying me at work, making me feeling bad about myself as a gay man, my body, and about my profession. In truth he's still doing it, even after I reported him. I helped my parents move, which was an exhausting process. And my depression has been very, very bad.

I haven't been keeping up with my NoFap. I mean, I've cut P out of my diet, but I still M and O by myself once every week or two. A guy gets so lonely. I guess that's my problem really: on a social level, I don't know how to find or interact with a partner for a loving relationship. On a physical level, I need someone to help me with these urges so I don't have to act on them alone. I have nothing I love and nobody to love. But when I try going to the dating sites, I just don't know how to interact with people. I think I might be a sociopath and/or I'm emotionally unavailable. I just don't know what to do anymore..

 

@Such Small Hands: "an imperfect but healthy relationship". I'm sorry, I don't fully understand what this means?

I know I need to get out more. I guess I use my anxiety as a crutch, to explain why I haven't been trying as hard as I used to. I should socialize more and work on my self-confidence.

@Robbie: Yes, I just started seing a social worker last month. I'm meeting with her again next week. I have some trust issues too, I assume people are going to let me down sooner or later if I rely on them too much. The first 2 or 3 times I really enjoyed the sexual promiscuity, but towards the end it wasn't great. The end of that period, he was a married man and I felt very badly about myself afterwards. (I've been told that it wasn't my fault. He would've broken his vows with or without me there. But I still felt guilty about it.)


I'm not 100% if I'm a sociopath or not. Since we're not face-to-face and we'll probably never meet in real life, I feel pretty safe being honest about it. But I can certainly make a case for it:

Cases for:
-I can usually lie with a straight face. I only give off facial cues if I want the person to know that I'm joking, or the lie is obvious and I don't want to trick them.

-Sometimes when I'm in a bad mood or upset I'll just mess with people to make myself feel better. I'll intentionally put stuff in the wrong place, hide items they need, "forget" to clean something, spot something left out and ignore it. Then I'll justify it saying "Not my problem".

-Revenge. When I am wronged I want to do nothing more than hurt a person worse than they hurt me. I can be very petty when I want to get even.

-I disregard people's feelings, unless I personally care about them. I can feel empathy in some situations, but only if I feel attached to a person. ie: I felt very bad when a client I was close to died. I don't really care when clients I hardly interact with die.

-I'm very emotionally detached or disconnected. I feel anger and hatred, sadness and depression, but the rest is kindof grey. I feel affinity for my family and friends, but I wouldn't call it love. In the past I've obsessed or lusted over other people, including partners, but I don't think I've ever loved any of them.

-I have very few close relationships. Aside from co-workers, I spend all my freetime with my parents or alone. I had a friend in a wheelchair for several years, but cut him out for no specific reason. (The last time I saw him we had a really depressing conversation, he kept making derogatory remarks about muslim women, and I just didn't care enough to argue with/against him.) With more spare time I was hoping to find a boyfriend or new friends, but haven't made any progress on either.

-I get very fixated on people. My 3 types of focus are lust/romance, hatred, or complete fixation. My focus usually lands on co-workers, fellow classmates, clients (hatred & fixation), and occasionally family members (hatred only). ie: In the past I've had strong feelings of lust/romance for co-workers and friends, regardless of their orientation. I used to be fixated on trying to "fixing" a client and all of her problems, even though she refused to change. Right now I have nothing but contempt for my bully and spend a lot of time worrying about him, even when he's not around or I'm at home. (It's very unhealthy.)

-I don't feel bad taking things that don't belong to me. When I was younger I used to steal things at the mall just because I was bored, until I got caught and I stopped. But I have no problem stealing music, video games, books, movies, TV shows online.

-I am so very unreliable. I get an idea in my head and promise it and rarely follow through. And very forgetful too. I might have good intentions, but bad resolve.


Cases against:
-I am not charming at all. Around friends and family I can be amusing, but I don't know how to flatter or praise others. I have -10 Charisma.

-I usually realize what will be an emotional trigger for people, and will try to avoid it (unless I'm trying to annoy them).

-I readily admit when I've made a mistake or caused a problem. I'm always apologizing, accepting blame for my faults and try not to repeat the mistakes. (This sometimes conflicts with the 2nd point I mentioned, if I did it intentionally.)

-I can hold down a job. I've had the same job for 2 years now, and before that I worked the same seasonal job for 4 years. And I worked a fast-food job for about 1.5 years before that. Not to say that I haven't gotten in trouble, had fights with co-workers and supervisors, but generally I am a good worker.


Could go either way:
-Living with my parents rent-free, not chipping in money for food or rent, them paying for my medication, I am kindof sponging off of them. This is a sociopathic trait; but, I am not taking their money and making big purchases, or asking them to spend money or frivalous things. If I need something else I buy it myself.


So, probably a sociopath? Or maybe I'm just so focused on the negatives I can't see any positives anymore. I'd never ask a doctor or friend about most of these things, usually I try to hide my "weirdness". I asked my sister once but we never talked about it fully. I tried to explain it to my mum last week but she can't see it, it just doesn't scan for her.