Just accepted I have a problem

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Deleted Account, Nov 30, 2017.

  1. Hi everyone,
    sorry for taking a bit of your time.
    I'm 25 now, since I was 14 or so, always found normal to watch a lot of porn and get in sexchats.

    Now, I'm in a relationship, I'm happy and I actually enjoy sex with her but... most of the time, I feel so guilty, because I hide her I still get in chats, watch porn, and just today, crossed my line and called a "sex phone line".

    I always feel so dirty, and even so, I still do the same, again and again. I'm tired of this, I only want to forget about this and have a healty relationship with my girl without feeling "dirty" just for having this kind of thoughts.

    I also don't even know how to tell her, I feel like what I'm doing is too much for anyone to forgive, I don't forgive myself, and still keep doing it.

    Sorry for the thread, If I'm on the wrong sub-forum please let me know.
    Thank your for your time.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  2. Just

    Just Fapstronaut

    I didn't pick your post up through a sub-forum, most importantly you are here. Telling her may destroy your relationship, what I have learned in recovery is to live an honest life, simply meaning that if you cannot tell your partner about your actions, don't do them. Put yourself in her shoes for just a minute. I do not see the value in beating yourself up, just do your best to change your behavior, it's not easy but. You can quit all of this, we are here to help you figure this out when you need help.
  3. Thank you Just J.
    I will track from today my progress, counting the days I stay without doing any of this. But even doing that, I still feel horrible for doing what I've been doing and the fact that she doesn't know about it, kills me even harder. I know I shouldn't tell her, but a big part of me thinks she deserves to know...
    Thank you for the warm welcome.
    Nector12 likes this.
  4. osmowife

    osmowife Fapstronaut

    If she doesn't know I'd delay telling her. I'm not a pa but a wife of one.
    The only reason I am not okay with his porn habit is because it took away from our intimacy. We were working on that when I suggested porn may be the problem. He confirmed it was when he tried to give it up and didn't last long. We're on his second try and it's going much better.

    If she doesn't know, quit on your own and once you have some time under your belt you may feel more confident telling her. That's just me though. When I begin or think about any type of change I like to do it on my own and if I like it I'll tell my husband after about a week or so.
    If you need or want her support to help you then tell her.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  5. Thank you, actually it helps to have the point of view of someone on the other side.
    I think I will keep this for me, but with the idea of telling her when I feel more confident about myself and my PA.

    Thanks for your advice osmowife.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  6. BBWolf000

    BBWolf000 Fapstronaut

    Remember this feeling. Every great change needs a powerful catalyst and it sounds like you've reached the point where you've got your motivation to become a better person. Congrats!

    Now, you need to start working on yourself, first and foremost and a key part of this is shedding the guilt and self criticism of your past actions. Forgive yourself for struggling with this issue, it happens to so many men its insane. Dedicate yourself to making progress, no matter how big or small. Every day, every urge you don't give into your addiction(s) you become that much stronger, and the best part is that its CUMULATIVE, so if you do face set backs or relapses along the way, you don't go back to square 1. That is, if you stay committed to change and don't let relapses turn into binges.

    Once you make some progress on yourself it may be easier to discuss this issue with your SO. That way it isn't just your words but rather actual commitment and change that you can go to her with. Show her that you've already started the journey to sexual control and that you are serious about it.

    Life is better down the road that you've started on through NoFap so keep heading in the right direction. It's not perfect by any means and you may not get the super powers people mention on here, but god it feels good to stop the lying, sneaking around and to really give yourself to your SO.

    and Smile; You Can Do It!
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2017
    WengerOut likes this.
  7. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    My opinion is that healing cannot begin for either person until everything is on the table. When the truth comes out in trickles, it's killer. You may feel confident, for example, admitting your porn use at first...she might take that hard. Then, weeks down the line, you may admit to the chats, which is going to hurt even more. Then, when you feel confident enough, you will tell her the rest. But this causes her to be hurt 3 different ways, 3 different times.
    My suggestion is to do something like this. Sit her down and let her know there is something you need to talk about. Explain to her that you realize you have a problem and you really would like help to stop. Do not say these things unless you mean it, though. Tell her you understand that if she doesn't want to work on things with you, that is her decision. Hiding something from her in order to keep her with you is completely unfair. You wouldn't want to have her cheating on you, but not telling you...even if she SWEARS she will never do it again. If she needs some time to think, give it to her. If she is willing to work with you and support you, then you will have an incredible ally in this fight. But the more you hide things, the easier it will be for you to relapse. Every single bit of dishonesty, no matter what the reason, is harmful to a relationship.
  8. Nector12

    Nector12 Fapstronaut

    Based on my personal experience, counting the days without an addiction isn't helpful, it's a stone in your shoe. It makes you stay focused on your addiction. You have to redirect your energy/urges into something: a personal project, a hobby...

    You can also check this video:

    Good luck!
    Deleted Account likes this.
  9. Thank you all for the support, really. I may make a thread so I can update how things progress.
    And I'll watch the video right now.

    Thank you all for the support again. I really appreciate it.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  10. Some good advice in here. I'll also add that if you have strong reservations about telling her, it might be for a very good reason. Continue thinking about this and discussing with trusted friends or guides. But it's time to get serious and destroy all roads to triggers and PMO. Checking in daily with an accountability partner or more is essential.
  11. Just

    Just Fapstronaut

    I can only share again, from years of therapy.. If telling her will hurt her, consider the risk versus benefit of your disclosure. Who would you truly be benefiting. While I truly believe that secrets are incredibly dangerous, please consider the pain for your partner.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  12. I've been thinking a lot about this and I'm planing on writting down a detailed letter for her, exposing what happens to me, and what I'm planning (and doing) to solve it. I just can't handdle acting "normal" with her, it just doesn't feel natural, and feels really painfull to know she doesn't know any of this.

    Do you think I'm doing wrong? Should I wait to tell anything?
    On top of this, I'm scared by the possibility of she leaving me, but I think it's the fair thing to do it anyway.
    CowardlyLion likes this.
  13. Also, if I do that and give her the letter, should I let her alone with her thoughts the rest of the day? On one side, it feels like I don't want to face this in person, on the other side, she must want to be with herself...
  14. Only you can answer that. I think people have given you info on both sides. At the very least I would give yourself a couple days to think about it to make sure it's the best thing.

    If you tell her, I would emphasize that you're doing it only because you want to be honest with her and you hope you can strengthen your relationship based on this honesty. If possible, you may want to describe that PMO is usually more about an addiction the neurochemicals associated with the activity as opposed to a dissatisfaction with an SO, her looks, her performance in bed, etc. It's unhealthy coping mechanism similar to drugs and alcohol. You may want to watch The Great Porn Experiment on YouTube to help you understand addiction. Otherwise, dumping this type of confession on someone without any education is extremely unhelpful.
  15. You'll know when you get there. You should probably offer to answer questions immediately. Of she doesn't have any, then leave her alone.

    My spouse basically never wanted to talk about it again, while I love to talk and talk and talk. The only thing she wanted was action, for me to change, to improve who I was, not just PMO, but being a good husband and father. She didn't to talk about my progress, she didn't want to monitor my phone, she didn't want to hear about my struggles, she didn't want to be my accountability partner, etc. She would know my progress based on how I treated her and acted at home. I did not have a giant confession. She found a couple chats with an accountability partner. She didn't want details. She just wanted me to be a good husband, and that obviously includes not using PMO.

    Everyone is different. That's why I'm so hesitant for people to accept advice for huge decisions from an internet forum! None of us know you or your SO! The only thing we know is our individual experience. The ones who love to talk are obviously here on a forum talking! There are many types of people who don't like to talk, who would rather see action only, who are not on internet forums giving you advice on what to do! You may want to talk to a trusted friend, someone who actually knows you and your SO, and ask what they recommend. You don't have to take their advice, but at least you have one more viewpoint besides a small segment of the population who like to talk on internet forums!
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 1, 2017
  16. I am "only" 6 months into this (although technically, I think since Aug 2016 or before is probably more accurate from my SO's point of view) .. anyway, what I was going to say is that quoted section describes my wife perfectly right now.

    It looks like you've been on this forum for about 4 years....has she been the way you described in that quote for all four years?!?!
  17. I joined the forum a long time ago and then left and then came back. She has known for about 6 months. But her attitude towards my recovery is why I question those who endorse full blown disclosures for every possible situation. I sometimes think she never wanted to know at all, and some women and men have said the same about themselves. Some people want to know everthing and every detail, which can feed into obsession and fear. Some just want noticeable improvements in their spouses and to move on with life (and those people tend to not talk on internet forums).
  18. MrSigs

    MrSigs New Fapstronaut

    Hey man. The best decision I made was to admit that I had an addiction problem to the two people that mean the most to me right now. My SO and my father. Both were very supportive. I explained that’s it’s a disease and I’m trying to better myself for me, my kids, and my SO. They have been very supportive. My SO didn’t know anything about it but didn’t judge me and was proud that I told her. The MOST helpful thing I’ve found for helping myself when I’m tempted to PMO is reading these forum posts and contributing to the betterment of people like me. I’ve been addicted for years and I don’t think I could stop if I didn’t have this sight with so many people helping. Listen to your gut. Make the best decision for you. If you are honest with her you will def feel better. Her reaction may not be what you want however I believe she will come around to appreciating the fact that you have recognized your addiction and want to change for her.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  19. Werka

    Werka Fapstronaut

    As a wife of a PA I can tell you that my biggest problem is not the act, but the hiding, the lies, the fact he concealed something from me for so long. And to be honest, I don't really care if it was shame, or fear of losing me, or not wanting to hurt me, or just plain stupidity that stopped him from talking to me about it for 10 (TEN!) years. I made it clear time and time again how I'm there for him, whatever his demons may be. I went out of my way (and out of my mind) for years, trying to tackle all the issues that popped up and were all linked in one way or another to his addiction.
    No one here can guarantee that she won't leave you - she may. But it is the risk you may need to accept in order to sort your life out.
    Kenzi likes this.
  20. Thanks for all the support.
    Been thinking about it for a while after reading all your posts and finally, decided to explain her all of this.

    It was hard for her, but she's with me and trying to help even if she's not too comfortable talking about it (neither am I).

    The point now is that I've been holding myself for 7 days now, and even if it feels good to know she's by my side, I can't stop blaming myself not only for what I've done, but for the fact that i actually think of masturbating with porn and desire it. Just the desire of it makes me feel so horrible.

    I hate the feeling that I kind of prefer (in a purelly sexual way) porn and masturbating by myself than doing it with her... In terms of feelings, I feel the need of being able to feel combortable and not guilty with her when having sex.

Share This Page