Leaving the Hive

As an addict, I'm all in favor of second chances the the ability for one to make changes to themselves when faced with reality.

But from what you're writing (which we all know is your side of the story) - it seems from his "vice" and hiding the laptop and saying the two of you were good while he was lying and the freedom statements show he tried making a change and intentionally went backwards.

If he was showcasing remorse I think I'd have a different take. Relapses happen, especially with something as easily available and practically everywhere as porn.

 

I think he's tried pretending to fix himself and now is hoping for acceptance.

This is, maybe, him being truthful and honest and just saying this is what he likes. He likes porn, he is totally OK with it. He loves his wife, too. He loves both, and wants to keep both. That's OK for him to try for that if that is what he wants, but it takes two to tango.

It's clear that situation doesn't work for his SO. Very very clear as we can all read here. So, while he may love his wife, he doesn't respect her enough to stop (nor respect himself enough in my opinion).

One might also assume that he is just upset he has had to choose between his wife and porn at all. Not every man does. But his man has made a choice and it's clear that he is choosing the fake over the real.

 

I'll admit I have only read since the 2022 updates. But did he choose porn over sexual contact with you, like you naked in one room and a laptop in another and he would walk toward the computer?

I'll admit cutting masturbation has been harder than porn for me. I've been able to hold back - but the urges are stronger for sure. I cut out phone games, porn, gambling and masturbation (and really things I rarely if ever did like strip clubs which I have not been to in a decade).

I'm working with my sponsor on possibly adding back in masturbation in a limited sense. It's a conversation with the sponsor and my wife so everyone is aware. But it's not because I wouldn't rather be with my wife - she knows I would - but she's down for about once a week or 10 days because she's tired from work and toddlers and sex isn't her priority. She masturbates sometimes, and I have no problem with it as well.

 

Dear @Queenie%Bee,

If I may and I hope I’m not speaking out of turn here. It’s one thing to experience a D-Day. It’s another to experience a relapse. And quite another to experience a blatant act of contempt. D-Day is devastating enough. A relapse hurts but if we understand addiction recovery that’s likely to happen until it doesn’t anymore. By that I mean with continued recovery work it will improve with time. We are looking for progress. Not perfection. And then we have contempt.

Going out and purchasing a laptop and then hiding it is an act of contempt. That’s so far removed from anything resembling recovery work that it doesn’t warrant any explanation let alone justification. I don’t care why he is doing it. PMO is painful enough. But the deliberate malicious actions of a partner tells us that he has no intention of fixing it. That’s much more painful than the PMO itself. Of course he doesn’t respect her. How can he? He has no respect for himself. It tells me "I’m not worthy of feeling safety security and sanity".

Everybody’s personal situation is different. I don’t know how but I would find a way to drop kick his ass out the door. We all learned from Brene’ Brown that we are worthy of love and belonging. Where does that fit into his model of a relationship with you?

 

Makes sense.

As with all addicts of all types, it's rarely the porn or M. For me it was and still is what my brain wants to escape from thinking of difficult topics or or to escape things like being lonely or bored. It's a lot more than that and I'm not going to get into it, but I get his point of view some. If he never worked on the underlying reasons, it's tough.

I wish you the best of luck. I hope he comes around fast, but it seems like he's dug in from what you've shared and unwilling to even admit that the lying is a problem or come to a compromise.

edit: also, most guys would love your attitude, if he ever gets into another relationship he'll most likely notice a difference quickly.

 

LOL, this dude isn't coming around. This is him like him fooling around with dudes and now coming out of the closet as BI (and wants an open marriage).

@Queenie%Bee have you talked to a lawyer at all to see what your options are? I know you've said you aren't in a position to leave but it might not hurt to get a second opinion on that.

 

Don't blame you - everyone has a breaking point - even the most forgiving and patient people.

I'd say just be smart - keep records of things and better to be patient and do it smart than rush.

 

I think the biggest difference here is he didn’t slip, he deliberately had to buy another laptop. This is far different than feeling sick, stressed and happened upon psubs and porn while idle browsing. This is such an outward expression of where his heart and head are at. This is not a man who is trying to get better, this is one who is trying to hide better but hasn’t learned quite how ( because you know addicts get brain fog and eventually screw up).

 

I probably try to initiate with my wife 2-4 times a week (not always full force or anything - but mentions and hints and such at minimum) - ends up with once or so a week. I enjoy our sex, and I love her. Odds are I'm going to mess up eventually. I'm not even 40 so making it 30-50 years with no slips is practically impossible. But I know if given the choice between porn and sex, I'd much rather have sex despite it being a ton more effort and harder to fit into life.

This thread is about you though - so sorry about that - but anyway - i'm sorry for you that he's made these choices. May freedom ease your pain and a chance to be restarted.

 

I understand his resentment. I've experienced it myself. Having something you've (i've) used for years to occupy time and avoid negative emotions and honestly bring joy being taken away (either by choice or not) is a shocking thing to the system. For me it was a choice, be married and be in the life of your kids or have porn and roleplaying. At first part of me was pissed I had to make that choice. I never touched another woman, I never turned her down for sex, etc. But as I read and went to therapy and such I was able to get a bigger picture. Sometimes I still go back to those feeling, the addict in me will say "what would it hurt really". I have to remind myself of those two options.

If he held onto that resentment for years, it makes some sense the way he acts. Also, sometimes libidos are just off, read about plenty of couples where one of the two (both men and women) are simply satisfied with less sex. Not saying it's your cause, it doesn't seem like it, but just wanted to add that there's nothing wrong with being satusfied with vanilla every sunday as long as you're honest with your partner about it and everything.