Losing Hope, But Starting Again

I did have a dream last night that I was beginning to edge or masturbate but when I woke up I didn't feel tempted. The dream just felt really and I couldn't exactly tell if it was or not. I was just scared that I might have actually done something but I'm pretty sure I didn't so I won't reset cause of it.

 

I think I'm still going strong

 

I was just really tempted (and I still am) because I was on social media and I came across some very attractive pictures. None of them had nudity but a lot of them can extremely close to it. I didn't do anything with them and I didn't get any further but I still feel pretty guilty just for looking at them that long. I could have come across something actually pornographic or nude. Luckily I didn't. I am still kind of tempted so I hope I don't relapse.

 

Well now I relapsed... I could have stopped myself but I didnt. I'm super ashamed and discouraged. I felt like I was actually on a good streak this time but I had to mess it up. Right after I relapsed I imagined myself as an adult still doing this and it made me sick. It made me wish I could just do something to stop it all right now but all I can do is wait. I feel guilty and bad again. I was actually feeling good about myself lately but now I don't. I'm going to start againof course but the first 24 hours always sucks cause I wish I didn't do it. I wish I could feel the way I feel afterwards before I start. That would make me do so.etching different. I'm just so frustrated.

 

Ugh I'm so hopeless. I was having a perfectly good day and I just had to fuck it up. Then after a relapsed once I did it again right after and it just makes me feel so ashamed. I know that 8 days isn't that big but it just annoys me that I couldn't hold myself over and atleast get like 10. I don't even know what to set my goal at now. The worst part is that my mom almost caught me when I was doing it the second time and I had to tell a stupid lie. She was about to come in my room and I just told her I was changing and I felt so ashamed that I had to even say that. I dint even know what I'm doing right now. I just wish I was like 3 days into this and maybe I'd feel a bit more encouraged, but being less than an hour without a relapse is just plain sad. Of course I'm not giving up cause then I would just feel even worse but I need a new plan.

 

I'm sorry if some of that seemed random or it didn't make sense I'm just not myself because I actually thought that this time was the time and it's dissapointing when it isn't. I have a new plan. It may seem dumb but I'm trying it. Instead of setting my counter for 7 days, I'm setting it for 3. I seem to be more encouraged when I'm closer to reaching my goal. This way, whenever I feel like I want to relapse I can think "oh no I shouldn't, because I'm only 2 days away from my goal." And hopefully the days will just add up.

 

I feel a bit better about everything now but I still feel kinda bad. I also feel like my mom might have known what I was doing which makes everything weird but maybe not cause she thought I took a shower. Regardless I just feel guilty around her because of it. It will go away but for now it doesn't help my mood.

 

I realize that I'm not a bad person because I watch porn and masturbate (a ton of people do it without guilt) but I could be a truly good person without it. I guess I need that as motivation. I'm not abstaining anymore just so I wont feel bad, I'm doing it so I will feel good. I don't just want to eliminate the guilt, I want to introduce the pride.

 

I really wish I could just say that I would never masturbate or watch porn again and it would work. It seems so damn easy in theory. All I have to do is have enough self control to just not do something. It's not like I have to actually do something. All I have to do to accomplish this is NOT DO THE THING. It seems so simple. But something always has to get in the way of it. I either break and relapse or I do something, and I'm not sure if it counts as relapsing, so I just relapse anyway so that if it did count I restart so it doesn't matter if I felt guilty about it. What I have to do is so simple but its avoiding those other things that is hard. Like today I almost came across nude pictures on ACCIDENT. I can use self control to ensure that I won't touch myself or watch porn but self control cannot control an accident. And I know it doesn't count if it isn't on purpose but sometimes when I see something "on accident" I feel like I looked too long and that I wanted to see it and then I don't know what to do. I JUST NEVER WANT TO WATCH PORN OR MASTURBATE OR DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN. This is the 3rd year that I have been trying to shake this and I am so fed up with the false hope and shit. I don't need "hope" or a "chance" of succeeding, I just need flat out success!!! And I'm tired of playing all these games with myself, like "better luck next time" because I've had too many "next times" with no luck at all. I know that in like another 8 days I'll say that I relapsed again and say the same old stuff I always do. I don't see any change happening. I'm just as weak as I was in the start. I know it's good that I'm trying and that a big part of it but I wish I could just do it rather than try to do it. I just need to kick this once and for all so that I can feel good about myself without having it all crash back down in the end. So this time when I say it, I pray to our dear God above that I mean it... I WILL NEVER RELAPSE AGAIN. LAST TIME I SAID NEXT TIME, BUT THIS TIME I SAY THIS TIME. I WILL NEVER PURPOSELY MASTURBATE OR VIEW PORNOGRAPHY AGAIN.

 

I'm going to live like I don't have an addiction at all.

 

Everyone makes fun of this video but it actually really motivates me. If your ever about to relapse, I suggest watching this. I'm definitely going to use it if I ever need to...



"If you're tired of starting over, stop giving up" - Shia

 

Well my whole "never watching porn again outrage" was kind of effective for awhile. Sadly I relapsed today. My new method got me to 20 days though. I'm usually really upset when I relapse, and I still am, but I am encouraged to start again this time. So obviously I didn't really succeed in "never watching porn or masturbating again" but the idea got me farther then I've been in awhile. Today I relapsed because I was having constant urges throughout the day. I was doing well in ignoring them and moving forward but then I had an urge and I couldn't think about anything but porn. I came across some very seductive images online (my usual downfall) and, they were not nude, but they were very revealing in that kind of way and I couldn't actually tell if it counted as viewing porn or not and I had been looking too long for it to be considered "on accident". I just shouldn't have looked in the first place. When I couldn't tell if I had broke the rules of my NoFap journey or not, I decided to just screw it and relapse anyway. Bad decision. I guess I was also feeling weird about the reality of not watching porn for a long time. It was almost like a little evil part of my mind was afraid of missing out on new porn videos and experiences that it would never see if I kept on abstaining. I almost felt that it would feel good (and that I wouldn't regret it) to do it one more time. Well now I know that afterwards I still regret it and it wasn't worth doing it one last time because now I have to start all over. I am afraid that next time I get that far I will have the same thoughts and I won't be able to pass that place. In the moment it felt like I was giving myself something good but now I remember that I was quitting for myself in the first place, which is the real good thing I'm doing for myself. But I also realize I'm not just doing this for myself, I'm doing it for all the people I care about. I feel like I'm hurting them when I do this, even though they don't know I do it at all. I guess I just feel guilty and gross around the people I love and I hate that. They deserve someone clean and honest. Someone who actually deserves their love. My school starts tommorow though, so hopefully I will he busy enough with that to get far again. Last time I went on a trip so that distraction really helped me get far but this time I won't have that luxury. I am just going to live my life and use my previous method of setting small goals so that I am always close to success. And this time and I hope that I am being honest when I say, I AM NEVER WATCHING PORN, MASTURBATING, OR EDGING ON PURPOSE EVER AGAIN.

 

I would also like to include that I do not count attractive models or sexy photos as porn as long as they don't have any nudity (showing the main private parts) although I will try to stay away from that type of material because it usually is tempting and leads to questionable moments when I can't tell if I broke my rule or not. For instance if I see private areas through someone's clothes but not super clearly, I don't know if that counts. So if I do see that I will try to look away. I also do not count wet dreams or actual sexual relations as breaking the rule.