Losing Hope, But Starting Again

Never watching porn or masturbating again

 

So now my new journey begins, but this time I will have success.

 

What really matters in my life is that I can have fun and live my life to the fullest. I can already enjoy myself but with my addiction gone I will be able to be truly happy and more content.

 

I know realize that I am really upset. I was doing so well!!!!!! WHY CANT I JUST NOT RELAPSE. IT SEEMS SO SIMPLE. ALL I HAVE TO DO IS SAY NO. I failed. And then immediately after failing and feeling the shame of it I relapsed a second time for no reason. I wasted my last day of summer masturbating. I didn't even finish the book I had to read for school because I wasted some of the time I should have spent doing that. I feel so much anger right now. I just wish I could channel this same anger next time I want to relapse. Next time I see something that seems sextual on the internet I'm just going to look away!!!! I like beautiful women but naked (or close to naked) pictures are too much. Next time I see something like I saw today I will just make sure I don't go further. I have the problem where I can kind of see something (like a nipple) through an internet models outfit and I can't tell of that counts as porn or not and I feel bad for looking at it. But now I think I can decide whether it counts or not by how much it shows and I'll know to look away. If I look too long on purpose or purpose ly seek out more photos and see a nude one it still counts cause that shows I was willingly doing it. I won't be doing that anymore!!!! IM DONE. IM TIRED OF FAILING. IM DOING THIS FOR MYSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE I LOVE. I AM NEVER RELAPSING AGAIN. FROM THIS MOMENT ON ITS LIKE I DONT HAGE AN ADDICTION AT ALL. IM BREAKING THE ADDICTION NOW BY NECER WATCHING PORN OR MASTURBATING AGAIN. I WOLL BE CLEAN. FAILURE MAY SEEM INEVITABLE, BUT THATS ONLY IF YOU THINK OF FAILURE AS POSSIBLE IN THE FIRST PLACE. IM DPING THIS FOR REAL THIS TIME. LETS DO THIS!!!!!!!!!

 

"If you're tired of starting over, stop giving up" - Shia Labeouf

 

Well after 10 days I failed again. Maybe this thing where I say I'm never watching porn or masturbating again isn't working. The reason I made it to ten days is because I just started school again and I was too busy to relapse. Today was my first day with nothing going on and I woke up with morning wood and I couldn't fight it. I guess I'll try to make the most of my day and just keep myself busy to beat this addiction. But I kind of hate that. I hate that I have to be busy to not relapse. It shouldn't be that way, cause then whenever I have free time there's a chance I'll relapse. Keeping myself busy isn't beating my addiction, it's just preventing me from acting on it. I want to actually beat it, so that whatever I do I won't relapse or even want to. That would be beating this addiction. So for now I'm just gonna not relapse. It's hard to fight urges but it's never impossible. I just gave to fight harder.

 

I haven't been doing good lately. I mess up almost every day...

 

This fail streak has to end

 

Thanks guys for helping. Sadly i just messed up again but this is a new beginning. I know I have the will power with in me. The hard part is that my brain tricks me into thinking I want to relapse so I'm not using my willpower at all. But nevertheless I will prevail. I just gave to realize that I'm not missing out on anything when I abstain from porn and masturbating.

 

Wow 34 days. I wish I could have kept going but I fell off the wagon. I'm gonna get back on the wagon though. I am disappointed that I couldn't keep going but I also got taste of success. I set my goal for 3 days and ended up with 34. The best part was for those days (until just today) I literally felt no urges, not a single one. It felt like I beat the addiction, that's what it would feel like to not have this!!! It was great. I didn't even remember that I was trying to break the addiction. I actually forgot about it completely for the first 20 days. I was so busy that I didn't have time to fap and I couldn't remember when the last time was that I did it, then one day I remembered nofap and when I checked my counter it had been 20 days. I was so pleased with my self and surprised because I had no idea how long it had been. It was like porn and masturbation were no longer part of my life. Other things in my life also started to go well and I feel as if that is an effect of being "sober". Just like 2 days ago however I started talking to friends about how long I had lasted and I think I may have gotten a bit cocky and I thought I already beat the addiction due to the lack of urges. I was just talking about how it had been a month since I relapsed last night and then this happened today. I tend to go further when I'm not even worrying about how far I am. I was so focused in other things that I didn't even care about this and i got pretty good results. But I fell off the wagon today when I saw something very tempting online and I got the first urge I had gotten in a while and it was tough. I got through it though but then I got another and I was weak. I guess I shouldn't have let my guard down. It scares me that I can go from being so sure of success to suddenly failing due to one simple action. I am surprised that I let myself do that. I would hope that next time I won't let myself fall back into this whole different world. I really lived my life so differently when I wasn't focused on this and I hope to get back to that point. I am going to get back on the wagon.

 

I also realize that I think my success started around the time that I developed a huge crush on this girl. I was so focused on her and other things that I didn't even think of my addiction let alone be tempted by it. It was good to be really focused on a real life girl and real life things rather than the things my addicted brain makes me think I like. I still like the girl but I have just gotten less busy so I think that is part of why I relapsed. I am going to go at it again though and just not focus on this. Hopefully I won't be talking on here much, because that means I am succeeding. Back on the wagon I go.

 

Well I did pretty well for the most part. I went 20 days before I messed up again and in that time I wasnt even thinking about it. I just got curious yesterday and checked how long it had been since I last messed and saw 20 days and I was happy but then the thought was in my head and that night in got tempted. It was even that tempting it was almost like I wanted to do it just cause I thought about it. It kinda sucks I messed up cause I just went to church twice and now I already feel dirty. I think the key really is to not think about it though. I really like this girl so I have been focused on her and other stuff all this time so I hadn't even been thinking about porn or masturbation. Hopefully I can forget about this again and just live my life but next time I'll be more careful about checking it and getting it in my head. I hope to have no troubles like last time and go on into the new year clean so that I can then stay clean forever.

 

I also feel bad cause I masturbated on my bed and some people sit there and even though I clean everything it feels wrong and gross. For instants the girl I like was at my house Friday and she sat on my bed. Luckily I was 18 days clean at that point so everything in my room was clean but it feels wrong just thinking that she sat here and that people may sit here. Also this time I watched actual porn and the last times I didn't get quite that far. I need to get back on the wagon and this time not fall off. Hopefully I won't even have to think about this anymore.