My Experience With a Porn Star - (The Truth About ED & Fetishes)

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Self-Actualized Men, May 17, 2020.

  1. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    Thank you for the detailed response. I'll do my best to answer what you asked in order.

    . I definitely have a deeply rooted inferiority complex that probably stems from childhood experiences where I internalised the way other children treated me. All throughout high school I actually had a lot of friends, but I was still an outcast, I never felt like I fit in with anyone apart from the other outcasts and even then I only felt like I belonged with a few of them. A lot were just friendly because of the situation, not because we were actually close. Then I went to college, and met people I considered to be actual friends, but after university most of them drifted away and now I have no irl friends at all, and only a few people I talk to online, and even those people are unreliable. When it comes to interacting with women in general I do most of it by interacting with my sister and mother, both of whom I dont particularly like and in fact secretly resent for a myriad of reasons. When it comes to women outside the family the only times were at school, and all I can remember were me not being particularly interested in them, and they just thought I was weird.

    . Yep, I have a very weird relationship with my mother. Both my parents in fact. She is overbearing and she is volatile, to such an extent I have questioned whether she has a mental illness or not. Capable of swinging from cloying pleasantry to aggressive vitriol so quick you are often unable to process what is even happening, I have long since decided its not worth my time to continue spending any more time with her than I have to. What I particularly hate about our relationship is how she infantilises me when it suits her, and is way too harsh when it suits her. I often dont know how to react to the things she says and does so I try to avoid having to.

    . Not just sex, intimacy in general. I have absolutely nobody I can talk to in real life who I can be completely honest with. I talk to a few people online who help me out but the drawbacks with that are obvious. I crave physical and emotional affection but I recoil when people actually touch me or try to initiate anything, even platonically, it makes me feel so uncomfortable, and I dont like opening up with people out of a mixture of anxiety and paranoia. As painful as it is, its still easier to put on a mask and never take it off than it is to engage with people who I cant trust. When it comes to actual sex, it distresses me in the sense it makes me feel like theres something wrong with me, and I cannot shake the feeling that it just isnt worth trying to do anything about it. I feel like I am undesirable in almost all aspects of my life, and I dont see what I can really do about it at this point.
     
  2. Self-Actualized Men

    Self-Actualized Men Fapstronaut

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    Hi Man, thanks for the honesty on all of this. Based on your responses I can definitely see how Porn, & Femdom specifically came about in your life. I will say you are well written and a good communicator and it's nice you've taken the time to get to know yourself.

    I know your situation must feel really discouraging but I think you are far from out of the fight yet and can absolutely get to a point where you are living a healthy and happy intimate sex life. It sounds to me at the crux of all of this is a dissonance between what you emotionally are desiring (Love & Tenderness) and your perception of what you think you deserve/are worthy of. Your erotic fantasies of wanting something more tender seems like an eroticised outlet (Eroticising the stress of it all to cope) for what you did not get from your mother or early childhood experiences with dating. The fact that in your erotic fantasies you desire tenderness and in real life recoil from it seems to me that on an emotional level the belief that you arnt worthy is still at play and at odds with your emotional desires, which would explain why it feels so uncomfortable. Every time you get rejected or feel undesirable it further confirms that deep seeded (And Faulty) belief of not being enough and sends you into deeper isolation. I strongly believe that if you are able to emotionally embody a better image of yourself that you'll start to find yourself gravitating to intimacy and women in return responding back in kind.

    If you are interested in any good books I've been reading "Out of The Shadows" by Patrick Carnes who talks about how people with sex addictions (Most of us on these forums) hold a system of faulty core beliefs that shape our behaviors & keep us locked in this impaired thinking and addiction cycle. These beliefs tend to be adopted in childhood when we are contending with the emotional instability & fear of abandonment.

    Faulty Belief System:
    1.) Self Image = I'm a bad unworthy person
    2.) Relationships = No one would love me as I am
    3.) Needs = My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others
    4.) Sexuality = Sex is my most important need (Confusing Nurturing & Sex)

    If you don't talk to a therapist already I think it would be a really great step in the right direction for you (I myself as of 2 weeks ago started connecting with one, its nice to have someone to validate ideas against and get some pointers on blind-spots you might have). I can only speak from my own experience but the more I've learned about myself the more confident I feel. I'm at a point where I feel I have nothing left to hide or fear and it feels great owning my story and feeling willing to share it with anyone who is interested in hearing it.

    I think the key is to first intellectually understanding why you behave the way you do and what faulty beliefs are causing the behaviors and feelings you don't like. Then from there working on yourself at the emotional level to transition from logically understanding it to emotionally embodying it (Through breathing, meditation and practice/repeated exposure). Don't throw in the towel yet brother, you're not at all a lost cause and can absolutely turn things around with a consistent effort over time.
     
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  3. thinking_differently

    thinking_differently Fapstronaut

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    After reading ur experience, here’s what I think:
    My View of Porn:
    1. 1st few experiences Impress You.
    2. Process of “Conditioning“(its a term used by neurologists) your brain that P is ULTIMATE.
    3. Process of Strengthening the roots of this apparent pleasure:
    In dreams, when the brain processes experiences of the day and stores it away..
    4. Getting back to it Daily

    PORN IS A HALO EFFECT!
    That forces you to exaggerate fantasies only to increase the DEMAND of this INDUSTRY!
    PM are shit!!!

    All those who say cannot live without P are no better than slaves to it! They r slaves PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, AND FINANCIALLY!!!!!

    Let’s STOP BEING SLAVES!!
     
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  4. danielg

    danielg New Fapstronaut

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    Wow, this was quite impressive to read. I have been through the same path since I was 15 years old, and until 12 days ago when I found nofap I am trying to stop. I have always had the though that Femdom is not right, but still, I fulfilled this fetish with porn. I have thought about contacting a professional domme to embrace my fetishes. I always search her up, but am to scared to actually do it. After reading this, I will reflect on what my thing really is, and if I take a look back, I can notice that before PMO I only had a face-sitting fetish, but that was it. Everything else is probably porn induced. So, thanks a lot, this experience really helped me out to know that this is not the way to test my fantasies and the better route out is to abstain and heal myself.
     
  5. hollyman

    hollyman Fapstronaut

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    interesting...

    im always curious about "do it" with actual beautifull prostitute whom met my fantasies.

    but seeing some experienced its like, it just an illusion that made by porn.

    i mean i never dream to do it with porn star its far out of reach. but you do it and the result is just that ? non maximum erection with no enjoyment on the process....hmmm this is interesting
     
  6. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    Thank you for the reply. I have read it but I keep running out of time to respond, just posting this real quick so I can remember to come back to it when I can. When you see this like it or somehting so I get a popup notification to remind me, I dont want to forget.
     
    Self-Actualized Men likes this.
  7. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    I think on some level I definitely am eroticising a desire for love and affection, thats a good point. Its gotten to a stage now where actual sexual lust plays a relatively small part in my relapses and is superseded my an almost depressing desire for intimacy. All throughout my life I have been treated differently, or at least I perceive that to be the case, and by the time that stopped happening, I was already behind in terms of social development. The idea of being intimate with someone on any level, not just romantic or sexual, feels completely alien to me, like its not real.

    My self image varies quite a lot. When I am in a good mood I feel great about myself, feel fairly at ease and confident. When I'm not I feel the complete opposite, my confidence plummets and my insecurity and anxiety skyrockets.

    I'll respond to 2 and 3 together. I know both of these are faulty beliefs but it is so hard not to think this way when I have lived a life full of being let down by people over and over and over again, be it in very simple and easily forgivable ways, or in more hard hitting ways. Whether this is my fault or not is hard to parse. Its not a case of I find it hard to trust people, I just straight up dont a lot of the time.

    As for 4, I dont think sex is my most important need, I think I am self aware enough to know its the nurturing I crave. My relationships with others almost always feel extremely one sided or at the least they feel distant. Like I explained before I have no outlet beyond porn and my other hobbies. Its probably why I completely throw myself into my creative writing as well.

    Unfortunately therapy is not practical for me. I dont have a lot of disposable income and I am not in a position where its really viable. I have a serious aversion to seeking out medical help for anything in general due to spending the last couple of years in and out of hospital for various issues that turned out to be related to type 1 diabetes. I wont go into this in too much detail but suffice to say I was put through the wringer by everyone from hospital staff to nurses and doctors. I'm not exaggerating when I say the treatment of care I received leading up to my official diagnosis has probably shortened my lifespan from the stress it caused, and thats without going into how bad spending over a year with sky high blood sugar from prediabetes will have been for my body. This experience has massively reinforced my "people dont care so why should I bother anyone with my problems" mindset. This is also why I tend to spill my guts to strangers online.

    As for your last point, this is where I get stuck. I feel like I struggle with making plans and sticking to them. Its hard to pinpoint where my faulty belief system originated and how to end it.
     
  8. fedmom

    fedmom Fapstronaut

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    Not trying to be rude but you're really over complicating it. If you have a femdom fetish then you must have a shortage of serotonin so you might want to take 5-htp and see if you notice a difference.
     
  9. How is it over complicating it? Did you experience growing up in his shoes? Or know why he might be slightly fascinated by femdom? Is he / or me / or anyone who is suffering from this not entitled to go through self discovery without being told 'we are complicating it / take some herbal supplement' that will sort u out?

    The fact that the user has taken time to identify triggers, and past use, shows they understand far much more to their inherited tastes, based on the experiences they have gone through (which sadly many addicts don't even get close to)

    Anyhow you are entitled to your opinion, so I'm not trying to be rude either - but ur comment is not very useful.
     
  10. fedmom

    fedmom Fapstronaut

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    Actually I don't know why I apologized for what I said before. The method in my thread could actually save lives so I really don't care about sad losers that try to put me down.
     
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2020
    Deleted Account likes this.
  11. Its good to deal with the actual problem and psychology behind things rather then a quick fix pill. Not saying supplements dont play a role, im certain they have value, but the trouble with society and doctors today is they think a pill solves everything (think antidepressants, or viagr prescriptions). Anyhow just my opinion I could be wrong.

    But i think tracing your porn fetishes and tracking back to our past is a very useful exercise. Take care
     
  12. Self-Actualized Men

    Self-Actualized Men Fapstronaut

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    I take issue with a few comments you've made here.

    Number 1: Saying "Not trying to be rude" does not absolve you or give you license to then go and continue saying something rude.

    Number 2: Sexuality is inherently complicated and is a tornado of different variables involving genetics, life experiences, brain chemistry and personality so to analyse these various components to sufficiently examine the appropriate building blocks is not at all over-complicating it, its the correct approach. Furthermore to matter of factly say "Its low serotonin" in the absence of any real evidence is reductionist and at best a nonconstructive criticism rather than a helpful informative comment. You are being intellectually lazy and oversimplifying an inherently complicated topic.

    Number 3: Correlation does not equal causation. Have you considered that low serotonin is a result of the porn addiction wearing out reward circuitry as opposed to the catalyst determining a sexual fetish. Most people with sex/porn addictions are likely to have low serotonin levels. I've researched Serotonin levels and there impact on sexuality and although low serotonin seems to heighten peoples sex drive it has not been shown that it has an impact on sexual preferences & interest (Let alone a highly niche genre of porn such as Femdom). This article disproves your comment https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4338231/ as well as this one https://blogs.scientificamerican.co...d-sexual-preference-is-it-really-that-simple/ both reviewed by folks with PHDs. There are also several books such as "The Erotic Mind", "The Brain That Changes Itself" & "Out From the Shadows" all written by people with PHDs and have extensive experience in this area that show how early life experiences shape sexuality since our brains are plastic. We learn intimacy in childhood form our parents and eroticise difficult like dynamics/abuse as an outlet to cope and release these stressors. There is a much more solid chain of logic supporting these ideas than your empty serotonin comment.

    Last Thing I'll Say: You've direct messaged me several times now which I've ignored and are now trolling these posts with nothing of value to contribute so please do not engage with me anymore. You clearly have some ulterior motive or some serotonin sales quota to hit and I do not appreciate your condescension and intrusive comments. You might be indifferent to all of this and may even enjoy the negative attention your getting but this is a very personal matter to many of us on here. We're all on here to learn more about ourselves and support each other through this extremely difficult reality of porn addiction and if you aren't going to contribute in a meaningful way then do not contribute at all. I'm sure all of us would be open to a conversation of how brain chemistry & serotonin levels may impact addiction & sexuality but we are not open to condescending dogmatic statements without any sufficient evidence or reasoning to support your claim.

    Do not contact me again.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 27, 2020
  13. Self-Actualized Men

    Self-Actualized Men Fapstronaut

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    Hey thanks for sharing, it sounds like we've been walking down parallel paths brother. Yea in my opinion the best way to figure out what your true sexual desires are is to let all of the sexual signaling in your brain quiet down for a while. During that time (The reboot) I'd suggest doing some internal investigating to figure out where this originated from and what core beliefs are you holding onto that are serving this fetish. If you followed through with getting a Professional Domme (Like I did) you'd only be scratching an itch. And as it turns out for me, I wasn't even sufficiently able to scratch that itch because it was an illusion. The real itch was the super-stimulus of porn.

    I'm not sure if you read this in one of my other replies but one thing I found out as well throughout my reflection is that I do not desire Femdom for all women. The core belief that Femdom was playing off of for me was a belief that I am not worthy of an attractive confident sexual partner. That I am in some way not sexually competent to satisfy a women of that status so I need to be submissive to her. But the interesting thing I found was I only had a sexual desire to be dominated by women that I perceived to have higher value than me. For women out there that I perceived to have lower value than me, I had a sexual desire to dominate them. I've even experienced a few situations where I wanted a women to dominate me (Because when I first met her I found her to be extremely sexually attractive = high value) then as I got to know her I realized she was actually a really mean-spirited & judgmental person which then made me feel I had greater value to offer than she did and in turn I started having sexual fantasies of dominating her. I found this very interesting that my perceived beliefs of who had more value or self worth dictated my actual physical arousal and desires. What I am consciously working on every day is to redefine this faulty belief because it is fundamentally flawed. I'm working to see myself and all women as beings of equal worth so I can foster a level of emotional connectedness and intimacy as opposed to looking at everything through a dominate or be dominated lens which I feel is destructive and objectifying.

    ***I'd like to call out that determining another person's worthiness is not a healthy lens to view people through. I am simply stating the raw truth of how I experienced these situations to hopefully help you understand my inner mechanics to help prompt you on your own self reflection. I firmly belief worthiness to be loved is a birthright and it's not something you can shallowly judge or assign a value to. We are all going through the challenges of life and get caught in impaired cycles and patterns of toxic thinking. That doesn't make us any better or worse than the next person, it just means we have some internal work to do***
     
  14. Self-Actualized Men

    Self-Actualized Men Fapstronaut

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    Hey been meaning to get back to you on this. I think what it all comes down to from what I'm reading here is that you are holding onto and emotionally embodying a few faulty core beliefs that are limiting your potential and dictating you emotional responses & desires. As you work on those beliefs and start seeing yourself as a person of high value an worthiness you'll start to experience positive changes. I've been redefining my self image for the last 2 years and I have made a TON of progress and it has changed my sex life profoundly. I''m not 100% there and I'm uncovering new information about myself daily but I can honestly say my sexual desires are changing in tandem with my image of myself.

    As far as therapy goes its not a requirement to heal, so don't feel trapped without it. You seem like a very intelligent and self reflective person so I'm sure you can make an enormous amount of progress on your own if you really dedicate yourself to it. I highly would recommend "The Gifts of Imperfection" & "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown to start working through areas of shame. Her work was a real catalyst for me on my self improvement journey. I wish you the best brother and don't give up, we're all in the same boat fighting this thing together.
     
  15. Self-Actualized Men

    Self-Actualized Men Fapstronaut

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    Yea I thought I would enjoy it so much more as well. I was shocked really at how unfulfilling it was. It just further validates that the attraction I had was never to the actual Porn Star or the Fetishes themselves but really to the super-stimulus of Porn.
     
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  16. ankith

    ankith Fapstronaut

    Exactly!!!!, the problem with psychiatry is that you take medicine and you numb the pain, which makes you feel like you don't have depression anymore or you don't have craving for addiction anymore but unless and until you deal with underlying problem, it's just like putting a bandage over a wound and saying you are healed but beneath the bandage your wound is still rotting.
     
  17. Self-Actualized Men

    Self-Actualized Men Fapstronaut

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    Agreed. A lot of times what we think is the core problem is really just a symptom of something deeper. I am not discounting the fact that some people have an unbalanced brain chemistry with chemical deficiencies that medication would help improve. But its important to understand the full picture. Often times its our behaviors and lifestyles leading to these imbalances which we can improve and alter through diet, exercise and types of therapy that don't involve drugs.
     
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  18. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    This is what I need to do, I agree. Beyond the books you recommended, do you have any advice for where to begin with this?

    Thank you for the kind words. My controversial opinion is that being told to go to therapy has become a platitude at this point, and it only means something if the person saying it puts some weight behind their words (ie you, you actually addressed the stuff I said properly and I am very grateful for that). I know I dont have anything deeply wrong with me mentally beyond generalised anxiety and low mood. PMO makes these problems worse but doesnt cause them. I dont think its worth attending therapy to be told to do things that I can be advised to do by people who arent charging for the privilege, or can research online with a bit of effort on my part. I know the argument there is that therapists are "professionals" and yeah technically they are, but unless you get an extremely good therapist or one that clicks with you all you are really getting out of the arrangement is someone who is being paid to listen to your problems. Maybe that is a good thing for people who dont have that irl, I know I dont, but for me I'm not so sure. Maybe I'm just jaded in this area IDK.
     
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  19. So similar situation happened to me, dude you encouraged me to make my own experience post!!! Thank you so much for your post, I will be thinking and creating a cool post in order to show everyone my experience, how much pain this can lead to your life, and how much confusion, which is even worse.

    Again thank you so much, stay strong brother!!
     
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  20. CodeTalker

    CodeTalker Fapstronaut

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    Really interesting readings. Made me think on how my fetishes apppeared.
     

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