My journal - stories from The Wife of a porn addict

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by TheWife, Sep 13, 2015.

  1. Handzfree

    Handzfree Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    All great news... There is always room to grow and deal with insecurities and mismatched libidos. All that being said. Kudos to you for sticking to your guns and also to your husband for dealing with the issue at hand (pun intended). Him playing with the kids is a big deal as well. Good luck with the job search too.

    Keep going forward - best wishes.
    HF
     
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  2. It's same everywhere I think.its a global phenomenon at this age.so keep trying as everyone gets ,you'll too get it at right time.
    Good luck to you and your husband @TheWife .
     
  3. Just checking in, good to see you and Hubby are doing well. Also I smiled when I read about the Dude trying to walk. My nephew is at that stage as well, with quite a few bruises to show for it.

    Good luck with your job search, as well!
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2016
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  4. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @matthewmammothrept

    It is amazing to see the learning to walk. Balance is something that we take for granted! The dude currently does this move where he lets go then looks up at me and laughs proudly. Look mum, no hands. Too cute.
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2016
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  5. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Hello Fapstronauts,

    It has been ages since I gave a proper update. This is good. No news is good news, as they say.

    Things had been going great. I found work - huzzah! A contract position in my field for 18 mths and I love it. Hubby has been submersed in home renovations creating a spare bedroom and second bathroom out of our attic - nearly finished and looks amazing. The dude is walking - yikes. I became a mod here as I wanted to give back to a community that really saved me. I feel bad that have not done as much as I wanted but I am doing what I can.

    We were getting on great and life's good.

    This week, not so much. Since everything that has happened, I have come out of the dark and am not the naive person I once was. I have changed. I find myself laughing a lot less and Life is not all roses, as it once was. We don't have the same relationship. It is no longer blind trusting love. I see and hear, I understand what is happening. It is unfortunate that 16 years of lies and secrets now bubble to the surface. It sucks. Big time.

    This week I saw the old messages in hubby's Facebook. Yes, I snooped. I don't feel guilty at all. I just wish he would have been up front before I came across this shit. I cannot trust him and never will. This just proves it.

    He was messaging an old girlfriend who he was with before we met. Lots of inappropriate stuff including shit like 'I love you' and 'to see you all I need to do is close my eyes' crap. Last message was about 3 years ago, but to me it just shows that he has been unfaithful all along.

    Then the next one was beyond awful. He was messaging a woman he dated when he was 20, before we met, and she was 14. It made me sick to my stomach that he could be 20 and mess around with a kid. I have lost an enormous amount of respect for him due to this. I never realized he did this and it really makes me think about who he really is. He was messaging her as she wanted to meet up and discuss her 'old demons'. They met up about 4 years ago and he never told me. She sent a message afterwards saying thanks and 'that for the first time, she was glad to not be in my place'. Well, crap. He told me nothing happened and it was just that there were things they needed to discuss. No real details provided from him.

    It hurts because I don't want to be here either. Unfortunately, I feel trapped. I have young kids. I don't want them to grow up without a father. I know this is no reason to stay together. I do love him, but he has hurt me so many times and so badly I don't know that I can look at him the same way again. This week, I find myself looking at him with a mix of disgust and repulsion. I hope that it passes.

    I am really hurting. Reading all those messages took me back to square 1. I was filled with shock, my pulse raced, I could feel the adrenaline pump, I couldn't see, I felt nauseous and I was shaking. For 4 days now I have been unable to process thoughts. It feels like my brain is between radio stations - I can't complete the song due to the static. I am unable to cry and I feel like I can"t process the thoughts or emotions. I know it hurts from the physical symptoms but emotionally, I just can't digest what is happening. It scares me. I really don't think he evens realises how this affects me, even though I tried to tell him. I have lost another 5kg in a matter of days, even though I am eating normally. It is the nervous energy taking over and I can't control it. I find myself snapping at the slightest thing and then I feel bad afterwards because it is not me. I need to snap out of this right now.

    So this weekend he has gone off with his mates for a boys weekend. It is his 40th birthday on Saturday. I'm glad he is out of the house for the moment. It gives me some time to think.

    Our sex life is much the same. Once or twice a month. He's told me how he thinks it is great and that he loves being with me rather than the screen. I am still not satisfied but right now with working and the kids I just don't have the time or energy, so I leave it as is. I hope with time he gets a better sex drive but am not counting on it.

    He has been falling into old habits too. He has been falling asleep downstairs and not coming to bed till 5am. I just don't have the energy to have that same old argument again, so I say nothing. I am beyond caring. I can feel myself giving up. I don't have the energy to battle this time and time again. It is exhausting and I am reaching my limit.

    There has been no porn, that I know of. And he says he has changed. There are no recent messages and nothing inappropriate from any time recently. It is just his past that haunts us. And I find it hard to give consequences for things that happened so long ago, and since he says he has really changed since then. I guess time will tell but to me, it just feels like waiting for him to fuck up again. How do I get out of this thinking?

    I think he is content with a superficial relationship. I want something deeper. I want a partner to share my life with. He doesn't know how to let me in. We do get on and we make get flatmates. Is that enough? Maybe, I don't know

    How can I move on when he has gotten away with all these lies and disrespectful actions? Please Fapstronauts, tell me how I can address it so I can move on. Any ideas gladly accepted.

    I need some balance. I need to find the good to balance out the hard moments. I need help. I am not making any decisions at the moment. I need to ride out these negative thoughts and see what we have without the interference of past mistakes. I hope that we can get on with the great soon. In the meantime, I'm going to try and catch up on some sleep....

    Take care everyone. Be strong.
    TW X
     
  6. Mj1064

    Mj1064 Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry you're going through all those emotions again when you were doing so well. I know how betrayed you must feel and you know we can all relate to the racing heart and feeling sick. Try to take comfort in the fact that, that is what he did and not what he now does. I really hope you can work through these feelings.
     
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  7. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

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    Love this! Yup, Trust and Verify, if the relationship calls for it.
     
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  8. Knight Solaire

    Knight Solaire Fapstronaut

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    I have withdrawn from @Strugglesaurus and I's trust bank too many times, I'm not as bad off as your husband, but I might as well be. I am dedicating my life, energy, effort, and time to building and depositing. If you feel he isn't depositing, then he just isn't trying IMO.

    I hope to hear better things in the future. I am sorry for the pain we have put you through and hope that you can one day forgive us for the unforgivable.

    Much love @TheWife
     
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  9. Strugglesaurus

    Strugglesaurus Fapstronaut

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    I've been feeling much the same way, @TheWife. Sometimes nothing is going on, but you begin having flashbacks, bad dreams, gut feelings, all of that... and you're just waiting for it all to come crashing down. Waiting for all of their promises and reassurances to turn out to be lies. It is much like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which a lot of partners who are in (or have been in) unfaithful relationships experience. Hopefully we come out of it soon, and that our partners can understand that it takes a lot of time to even begin to feel trust between each other.
     
  10. about a girl

    about a girl Fapstronaut

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    @TheWife
    I am deeply sorry .. You remind me of myself .. fed up , hopeless and disgusted .. Rebuilding the trust takes time however from what I read am I wrong to assume you're not feeling it .. as if you're there with him but you checked out ? Did you ask hubby why he doesn't come to bed ? You have Lil ones and that makes it very difficult :( Staying as flatmates is not fair to you or the kids because you deserve love and your children although are too young to really understand now would want mommy to be truly happy and you're not happy and don't try to fool yourself into it .. Talk honestly with your husband about everything you feel .. what do you have lose ? See how he responds .. trust your heart .. I can advise but only you can tell if you will be able have trust again for him in the future .. *hugs*
     
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  11. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

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    Hello The Wife,

    Do you think he would be open to erasing those Facebook messages? Or closing his Facebook account? It may not be a trigger for him, but it is still destroying you. It's like keeping a pipe around that he used to get high with. Why would he want to, especially if it hurts you?

    I've always heard an addict can't go back to his old environment, because his old environment is what led to the harmful behaviors. And it sounds like the FB messages and his old habit of staying up late is triggering you back to when you first found out. Common for us to trigger back to that moment, especially if he agreed to do something different, and he is not...

    Common situation, but more important,
    trust destroying and
    hope destroying and
    life destroying.

    I've been there. I wish you weren't going through this now.
     
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2016
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  12. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Thank you everyone! I really appreciate all the support. Some brilliant advice there and it is a comfort to know there are wonderful caring people out there.

    I feel a bit better this morning after a whole 7 hours sleep. Today will be a fun day with just me and the mini people. If the weather holds out we might go to the park.

    The dude has just learnt to walk and now he thinks he is sir Edmund Hillary, climbing anything and everything. I found him on the kitchen bench this morning. Can't talk my eyes off him for a second.

    Squeaky is too cute. She sings and dances throughout the day. It is joyful to see.

    Today is hubby's 40th birthday. I'll send him a message and we'll have cake with the kids tomorrow when he gets home.

    I'll check in again soon. I have to go rescue the dude who has just opened the fridge and is trying to climb inside....
     
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  13. TheFiancée

    TheFiancée Fapstronaut

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    Hello lovely one,
    I am so sorry to read all this, after all the progress and positive things going on, it really doesn't seem fair, does it? It is a funny thing...trust. I am still struggling, big time, though I do feel I have been getting much better lately. However, every now and then we have a bad couple of days when he behaves like a dick and it takes him some time to realise that his behaviour is just not cool at all. That's when I start worrying again, wondering whether it has anything to do with PMOing. We still talk openly about it, of course, and usually in situations like this he admits that he had been having a tough time, which is probably even worse now that he's been so amazing for so long. No relapses yet, but honestly, I don't think you can ever be 100% sure... people relapse after years of being "free".

    As to you feeling trapped and worrying about the little ones not growing up with a father (if worst came to worst): it would be much worse for them to grow up with an unhappy mother and an unreliable father who isn't doing his part at saving the relationship. What will they take away from it? I am seeing it from the perspective of a child that grew up without a father and who knows, after meeting her father and trying to have a relationship with him now, that growing up with my mom only was certainly not the worst thing that could have happened! My mother is strong, beautiful, a kick-ass woman and I have learned a lot from her. Yes, I am struggling in relationships....but honestly, that isn't her fault. She always gave me all the love I needed, she was and is caring and wonderful and I am more than sure that you are a superb mom yourself, a wonderful friend and role model to your children. So, whatever decision you will make, it will be the right one because you have a very good head on you and a beautiful heart. I know it sucks you feel you cannot trust in your partner. But you can certainly trust in yourself. And that is a very, very good thing! :)

    I am not sure I can give a lot of advice. I know that having a therapist has helped me survive the last half year or so, and I can only recommend it to anyone who is going through a tough time. I am at the point where I feel I just really don't wanna think about it too much anymore. If he decides to fuck up I will deal with it then. I have my own life to live, we have a life together that we want to built into something awesome and I am going to focus on those things. But hey... my husband has been doing this (and knowing about his porn problem, though maybe not realising till last year that it truly is an addiction) for several years now and I think that has a lot to do with his progress.
    It takes time. And energy. And it sucks. In the end, the most important person in your life is yourself and of course your children.

    Sending hugs and love and sunshine! Have a blast with the little people!
    xxxxx
     
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  14. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

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    Reading through the responses here, I think
    @TheFiancée summed things up perfectly. You're a smart cookie. It's good that you're waiting for the intense emotions to bleed off before making any big decisions. Smart.

    I can't believe that after all you've been through that he is back to not even sleeping in the same room with you. It sounds like he hasn't been focusing on rebuilding your relationship. Clearly, just not fapping ISNT ENOUGH. For a marriage to work and both partners to be happy and fulfilled, you can't take your foot off the gas. Our relationships after these discoveries become such fragile things. Like blown glass. All those betrayals are hairline cracks....it takes so very little for the glass to completely shatter. And there is no putting crushed glass back together. Is he completely mentally and emotionally checked out that he can't see that?!?

    I'm sorry you are so alone in this relationship. That is the very worst kind of alone. At least when you're single and alone, there is the hope of meeting someone. But being married and alone is a different animal entirely. All your friends and family see your partner and think you're all set. And correcting them can make you feel like a heel....like maybe you're just that type of "complaining" wife....so you end up, for the most part, keeping it to yourself....which just reinforces the loneliness. (((Hugs))))

    We've been there. Be strong. You are loved!
     
  15. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

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    Yay! I am glad you got some sleep. I hate that insomnia is so common with this relationship issue, so I am glad you had a good night!
     
  16. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

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    BTW: i LOVE how you talk about your kids. (so cute!)

    Also wish your hubby a happy birthday from us wives who are hoping for the best for him (and you and the kids). 40 is a year when many people break from some major things and begin living a new way--that's what I've seen with many people anyway. So, here's to hoping for something new and better for him in this next phase of life.
     
  17. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

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    Glad to hear there've been no relapses yet. I had days like that too, where his old moods would come back and I'd think, "Is he PMOing again?"

    I can also relate to, "I don't think you can ever be 100% sure." For me it was like waiting for the other shoe to drop. All. The. Time. (Not sure if it's that constant for you, but for me it was.)

    But I am glad you two are still able to talk about it. Many couples aren't.

    And it sounds like your therapist is helping you with the trust, and wondering, etc., so I'm sure that will get better for you.
     
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  18. CreatedRight

    CreatedRight Fapstronaut

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    Wife, you are awesome! As a man who has wronged, I admire you and the fact your man may be working out his issues w/ you. There is a staff member of NoFap, named Mark Q., he has another site, Sacred Sexuality Project. (SSP). Go there and share videos with your husband who seems to be responding to your efforts to help heal himself w/ you. I think the mutual communication between you two is great! As a team project, make him undergo the Cold Shower Therapy in SSP. It's therapy, not a quick fix for impulses to act-out. It has helped me with long term mind over body issues. I think it would be a "hoot" to tell to strip down Buddy, "your taking a shower, while I watch". You say, "I prepared it just for you, Lover Boy!" The idea is to get him in the cold water environment and encourage him to relax, breath deep, relax in the uncomfortable cold environment. I've done this a month and love the therapy that helps me with Mind over Body. Then, in the real world, when unclean desires kick in, he will know how to relax, take a look at his options, relax, breath deep and make a correct choice. Rebooting requires him to stop all negative media and P. But that habitual waste of time needs to be replaced with good stuff. I bet you are creative to fill his time with good stuff...helping you cook, making him cook. Making him exercise, learn yoga with you, learn massage with each other. Wife, I'm doing this on my own w/ my Brothers in this site. I wish I had the balls to deal with my wife like you are dealing with your man. I honor you. Finally, I understand the your anger. As a guy that really does not get angry much, if you can add any humor into you driving some of his therapy, I think humor could be positive, if he is responding to a clean life with you. Quality time with you and a bit of humor will help him rewire him, so long as he wants to become clean. I realize his wrongs are not funny at all, but your loving approach will allow this guy to heal and become clean, I Pray.
     
  19. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    The hardest breakups I've had made me the strong person I am today. What does your gut feeling tell you?
    Go with that.. Be happy. You deserve it.
     
  20. IGY

    IGY Guest

    When? How can you meet your obligations as a moderator @TheWife, when you are never here? :rolleyes:
     

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