Day started good. Kids woke up, got them breakfast. Everything was going ok. Wife misplaced her strapless bra. We had plans to go to a concert and she needed it for her outfit. Tried helping her find it but that stressed her out because no one had an eye on the kids so I stopped. The longer she looked the more stressed she got, to the point where she had tears in her eyes and told me to go to the concert by myself.
What a thoroughly detailed account of yesterday. You made sure to note anything I was stressed about. However, you totally forgot to mention the BIGGEST stressor, you know, the one intensifying all these little stressors. The one that went something like this: "You want to know what's really bothering me? I'm having extreme anxiety knowing I'll be seeing people tonight that are aware of your PA. I'm scared. I'm scared they'll want to talk about it." I feel, this is a VERY important detail to add to your recollection of yesterday. I also feel, your response should be noted. You simply said "they won't say anything", & that was that. What needed to happen, was you acknowledge my feelings, comfort me, suggest we talk about it, & help get me over those feeling hurdles. You were only focused on having fun. Let's just have fun. Let's just have fun. Over & over.
This is actually my fault for not communicating at the same time, but, along w/ the anxiety & fear I was having, I was also ashamed. I was going to see 2 people that knew my husband preferred P to me. I mean, trust me, I wish I didn't have to have all these thoughts swirling in my head. I would've very much liked to enjoy the day.
I told her to not let it stress her out, don't let a bra ruin your day and that we could just stop on the way and buy one for her. That seemed to calm her down a tad..
Again, had you actually listened & heard me, you would've known it wasnt about the damn bra. That wasn't the issue. At some point you're going to have to start paying attention. I openly told you what the real cause of my stress was. You brushed it off then & have apparently even forgot I mentioned it (It's left out of your journal).
She mentioned we shouldn't do that since we are trying to turn our net monthly income back to the positive before we run through our nest egg
I mean, you are reminding me daily about $. It has caused many fights. You have made me feel so worthless bc of $. Yes, you're the breadwinner. Yes, I don't have a job. You hang this over my head. Of course I would refuse your offer to buy me something. It's not worth it bc in 2 days I'll be hearing about how we need to save $. What don't you get about this?
Thinking I could potentially kill 2 birds with 1 stone and potentially save the day I suggested that maybe she could ask her friend that is going with us if she could borrow one from her. No money spent and she gets the bra she needs for the night if it works out right? At least that's what I though. Boy was I wrong. She promptly told me her boobs aren't the same size and I was a fucking idiot or something close to that affect as she stormed out of the room.
What you were doing, was giving me unsolicited advice. If you've been paying attention during recovery, I've told you multiple times this triggers me. So, yes, upon receiving unsolicited advice after multiple times of me telling you it wasn't a big deal, I stormed out. I mean, I feel like if you were invested in saving this marriage, after a month of this you'd start to remember triggers & such. Or, at least figure out what had upset me. At this point, I can continue to just let you trigger me or, I'll have to have hourly alerts sent to you so you begin to remember. Both seem ridiculous.
Long story short she said she felt bad for what she did, i told her it was ok, we moved on.
Um, nope. I said "I hate that I let my stress & anxiety get me angry". Wtf? You are gaslighting on a journal. By wording it the way you have, you make it seem like I was apologizing for something I actually did (way to look like a victim). I was literally saying it makes me feel even worse when I let my anxiety make me angry. That you twisted that into some apology from me, kudos. Gaslighting extreme.
Night out and concert went amazing. Got several opportunities to show my wife affection. Opened her car door for her like a man should, held her hand on the way into the concert, took several opportunities to pull her in close during the concert and just hug and kiss her. It was amazing. It felt so good. So right. One of the best night I've had with my wife.
I agree. That's why it totally sucked that you drank more than I had asked for you too, & when your driving made me nervous & I voiced that, you completely shut off. You were going to make me pay with silence.
Then almost immediately after she realized I was doing what the signs told me to she accused me of being drunk. I did drink but I was far from drunk. I had 3 beers in 4 or 5 hours and knew I was more than capable of driving safely. While explaining this I pulled over at a ga
What I read: "that stupid idiot I've been playing for a fool this whole marriage realized that God's gift to earth is never wrong & was reading all traffic signs correctly. Then, this moron who believes anything I say, accuses ME, ME!, of being drunk. Stupid wife asked me not to drink, so, to compromise I had 2 margaritas & 3 24oz beers or 6 regular beers. 1/2 of a 12 pack. In 5 hours. I never drink, but since I am a God, all this alcohol won't affect me & my crazy wife has no reason to get anxious & worry."
I got us home safe and sound. We head to our bedroom and she tells me she is going to sleep in the other room, accuses me of not talking to her on the ride home and calls me a fucking asshole or something close to that.
Like, we went straight to the room, I did a U-Turn, cussed you out for not talking to me on the ride home, & said I was sleeping in the other room? Wut??
This is what actually happened: we get home & enter house. I go to bathroom. I come out, go to kitchen where I had left my make-up wipes, & start to wash face off. Silence, even though we're 2 feet from eachother. I go into room to change. You walk in as I'm getting undressed & you turn around to leave. Again, silence. I come out of bedroom as you're entering, passing eachother like roommates. Very reminiscent of our entire marriage. At this point, my thoughts are wondering wtf I had done to get this silent treatment from you. It was late & I needed to be a mom again the next day. Instead of lying next to you letting your behavior keep me up, I chose to sleep in another room. When I told you why I was doing this, you acted a fool.
She also tells me I talked more to the lady next to me than her. The lady had a cancer tattoo on her shoulder which is what i talked to her about. In fact my wife and her friend are the one that pointed it out to me. I lost my dad to cancer and my wife's mom has cancer now so it was almost fate that she was in the seat next to me at the concert. She was around 60 years old if I had to guess and she was at a godsmack concert. She looked like an innocent grandma, i had to pick her brain just a little bit. Who knows, maybe this lady was put in that seat by God to somehow provide help to my wife as she goes through this trial in her life. I talked maybe 5 minutes to this lady. There is no way in hell I came even close to taking to this lady more than I did my wife.
Again, I believe this is what happened:
When explaining to you that this silent treatment was causing me to sleep in the other room, you reacted in shock. Like you weren't well aware we had not been having any kind of convo. So, I used this lady as a reference. "You talked more to her than you have me since we headed home." This was a very real feeling, that you have negated. You are the victim again.
Now she tells me she is done with this marriage. I'm left scratching my head. Crying for my kids. The pain that they will
Don't you dare say I am ending our marriage. Your actions & inability to learn & become the best husband you can be, are what could end this marriage. I've done nothing but try & save it. For years I've saved it by not walking out that door the million times I should have. I've been understanding, patient (did I mention YEARS of waiting for you to change?), & forgiving. I got the ball rolling on your PA recovery. You tackled that problem, & then kicked my ass to the curb again. You, my friend, you will be the reason this marriage ends. Also, by throwing our children into this, only reaffirms my suspicion, that this journal entry, was one big gaslighting f you aimed right at my forehead. You did nothing but blame. Zero ownership. I'm done apologizing. Every feeling & action of mine from yesterday is 100% validated. You made me someone I don't recognize. I am insecure, anxious, afraid, inferior, unloved, etc. due to your behaviors. If you actually invested time in this, you'd learn, my perception of our marriage is skewed from your PA. I don't know what's been fake or real. Your fun times could've been some of my worst because of how you might've treated me. Some of my most memorable times with you, I now know, you were P'ing every chance you got. You can't seem to understand, doing nice things for me & having a good time with me should always be expected in this marriage. For years, I have been in a fake marriage. One where, if you did something nice for me, it was bc you expected something in return.
Right now, it has been 1 month since dday. 1 friggin month. I don't know if you're aware, but, I'm not over what you've done to me. It takes time & help. When you do nice things for me, I'm still thinking you expect something in return. When you behave they way you are, it reaffirms that suspicion.
So. You can either suck it up & start working on this marriage or you can expect the alternative. After years of heartache, questioning my own sanity, & becoming physically ill, I have no more energy.
Since you're left "scratching your head" at how this could've possibly transpired, I hope I have been able to help make things a little clearer.
