I read your thoughtful posts and I wondered how I might find a common cause in your experiences and mine because my life experience seems quite different. My father was a very practical guy who taught me many useful skills and he always encouraged my attempts to employ them. We did not play games together very often but when I wasn't in school, I had the privilege to work by his side in his small construction business. What a fantastic education I got. Then, I thought about Tao's post and I cannot but agree how foolish and childish we all are when we indulge in PMO. Perhaps the common theme is that sin makes fools out of all of us. When we succumb to the devil's empty promises of pleasure, how he must laugh at how he has easily ensnared us, again and again. It is only when we hold ourselves to account for our choices, and no one else, and accept that we must seek God's grace to achieve anything worthwhile that we become the incredible creatures that God intended for us to be.
That is indeed the common theme. And I think one of the biggest steps is when you realize how much God loves us. Think about the Holy Grail for a moment. How much will we venerate it, if we find it. Yet, do you think the Lord cared about it? It was most probably a very simple cup. If it wasn't this one, it would have been another one. But how will we praise it, though! Now, how much more should we praise what the Lord really cares about - like His sheep. How would we handle the Grail, if someone lets us hold it? And how do we handle ourselves and each other? We can no longer defile ourselves, or abuse ourselves, or harm ourselves. it's now against our nature and entire being. We are not our own, but we were bought with a price, . . . For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. (John 3:16)
Someone said somwhere: "it's too easy to pmo". It's too easy to stab yourself in the stomach also. But you won't because it hurts and you might die. But this sin also hurts us and might bring spiritual death. "Oh, come on, now, death?". Well, of course, the Lord is gracious to forgive us. No matter how many steps you took away from Him, He is always a handreach away. It's just one step to go back to Him. Yet, imagine this: a kid brakes a vase - "Sorry, I was negligent, I ran in the house, although I know, I shouldn't, I pushed it and it broke; now this - "I smashed it in the ground, because I thought it'll be fun and I know you love me and you ain't gonna punish me". How would you react to the second one? That's sin on top of sin. But at least the little one had the guts to say it as it was. Do we? Because if he/she didn't say the truth, this would've been hypocrisy and that's even worse. So it is a big deal. It's bad! Pray to the Lord, that He may reveal the actual horror of this sin and it would not be much easier for you to pmo, than to stab yourself in the stomach. Easy as it is.
Day 77 Lately I had bad days, followed by good days, then a very bad day, then a very good day - it's a roller-coaster! And non of it was even remotely connected with lust. I did not expect this. I am under heavy spiritual attacks from everywhere! We all kind of assume that if we are free from the sin of lust all will be smooth. Nope! The enemy is going to attack somewhere else. But rejoice in this! This means you are doing something good and you are making progress! Just be prepared! I had a bad dream about masturbation. I awoke in horror - "how could've I done this!". I was SOOO happy it was just a nightmare. In terms of lust, I had not a single thought about anything sexual since 29th of December. I feel more sober than ever. Where did this dream come from? Please, I don't have any other community around me right now, please pray for me. For the assaults are vicious and violent. The Lord calmed me down today. I can't explain. I was simply honest, meditated in silence and He was simply there. Or near. I know how I was, He was definitely near or else I would've gone completely crazy. Glory be to the Lord God Almighty!
I think we've all experienced this. It might be part of the spiritual attack you mention. It might also just be memories or imagination your brain is still processing through. It is always such a relief to awake from such a dream and realize none of it was real!
Just to let the forum know I'm alive and well. I reduced my time online to mainly sermons on YouTube, while I'm driving to and from work (those are good two hours otherwise completely wasted). The rest of the time I try to dedicate to reading and studying. I am growing more and more serious about really joining the Orthodox church, in which I was baptized. But I want to do it right. According to all canonical requirements. Researching for now. I have a ton of questions. It also makes me sad that there are divisions between denominations. I've once heard a Protestant and a Catholic priests arguing (not face to face) and saying EXACTLY the same things. So sad. I'm also looking into koine Greek, but it seems a monumental task for the time available in my daily routine. However, suspending computer and entertainment activities greatly increases my capacity for doing productive things. Those are great changes I'm seeing in my life, but they don't seem scarry. Somehow I feel like this new way is not only sustainable, but also natural. Not that I reached 100% efficiency in using my time, but I have learned that progress comes with patience. I also learned to trust the Lord in all the matters that might worry me. He will point me in the right direction. I'm sure we have all experienced this. Sometimes you have a strong inner understanding of things that should or shouldn't be done, and it's so strong you can't override it.
100 days! But I can't enjoy them to the fullest. During these 100 days I have looked at stuff, that although were not porn, were lust provoking. I did not masturbate, but had episodes when I would do a poor job of de-escalating an increased excitement. I experienced no orgasms, but sometimes this excitement felt very close to one. The truth is I still, at some level, seek the thrill. I feel like a hipocritical legalist. I sticked to the rules, but never completely kicked out lust. And that's the real issue, and the real sin. I would not downplay the change in me, but I admit I have a long way ahead. I surely need to step up the game. At the same time, I am confident. And this is the Father's will which hath sent me, that of all which he hath given me I should lose nothing, but should raise it up again at the last day. John 6:39 Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6
P.S.: "O Lord our God, under the shadow of thy wings let us hope--defend us and support us. Thou wilt bear us up when we are little and even down to our gray hairs thou wilt carry us. For our stability, when it is in thee, is stability indeed; but when it is in ourselves, then it is all unstable. Our good lives forever with thee, and when we turn from thee with aversion, we fall into our own perversion. Let us now, O Lord, return that we be not overturned, because with thee our good lives without blemish--for our good is thee thyself. And we need not fear that we shall find no place to return to because we fell away from it. For, in our absence, our home--which is thy eternity--does not fall away." St. Augustine, "Confessions"; B.4, Ch.15
I messed up. Watched something I shouldn't have. Clicked out of it, but then started thinking about it non-stop. I don't know what happened or why I started touching myself, but after a while, it happened.
OK, it happened. It wasn't good but now you can use this to prevent a similar reoccurrence. You state that you don't know what happened or why. Sorry to be so frank but this sounds more like an excuse than a factual statement. In any case, you must discern the conditions that led to this situation. A good place to start is to ask yourself if you have been maintaining a commitment to regular prayer, whether on days of low temptation or high. Without a foundation of prayerful trust in God, we are in peril. The human heart is fickle, deceitful and weak. We cannot rely on ourselves and our will power. We need God.
Thank you for your support and for asking the right questions. It took me a while before I could sit down and write, before I came to my senses. Now, looking back, with a clear mind, I can say I was being proud and arrogant. I would not like to admit it, but maybe a bit judgmental. What I vaguely suspected, somewhere at the back of my head, to be a form of legalism, was in fact a full blown hypocrisy. So deep did I sink in thoughts of self-righteousness. So proud I was in praising my repentance. But it was not mine to begin with. It was a gift. I was and still am incapable of doing anything good in my own strength. When did I forget that? I kept looking at the idea that the best way to know God has forgiven us is perfect repentance. I was corrected by a very wise man. it's when you are eager to forgive others and have compassion for everyone - that's when the mind of Christ operates in you. I was wrong, also, in some of my views at confession, alongside those of repentance, and as a result got a bit confused. I also prayed much less indeed. Past week I felt like I crashed and burned. Well, this accident was a wake up call rather. For if I have continued down that path, I would had really crashed and burned. I guess, from what I said so far, one can make the assumption that I'm still confused. My thoughts may not be ordered correctly but deception and confusion are slowly being dissipated - I'm a wicked sinner, that's what I am. Those evil desires are still in me. Except when they are not. But when they are not, it's not because I have done something. It's wrong to start waving the flag, but rather to quietly and humbly give thanks. But let him that glorieth glory in this, that he understandeth and knoweth me, that I am the Lord which exercise lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness, in the earth: for in these things I delight, saith the Lord. Jeremiah 9:24
Saint Francis de Salles once said that the three key attributes to leading a holy life are (1) humility (2) humility and (3) humility. Perhaps from this stems the knowledge that all humans are fallible and only God is perfect. I was once told that it order to effectively coach someone, you should first ask them if they want to be coached. When we rely on ourselves, we are saying to God, no thanks, I don't need your help. Of course God knows better and he waits patiently for us to get the message. I learned the hard way and through repeated mistakes that failing to pray for God's help, each and every day, on good days and bad, I was relying on myself and inevitably I fell again. Make prayer your most rigorous and longed for part of each and every day and freedom will come to you. God has blessed you with this recognition, I pray that it remains with you so you need not learn this vital lesson repeatedly, as I did. May God continue to bless you and shield you from harm.
I'm still alive. Last two weeks I was under the impression that I'm picking things up from where I left. And in a sense I was, albeit many assaults have succeeded in making me lustful. Just not in the traditional way. This is lust not directed towards someone and is completely unprovoked. Lust for lust's sake, if you will. Just the very basic physical aspect of it. In fact many of the visual stimuli that would normally get me going are deprived of any meaning to me. I boldly looked (not porn, but sub), and I was honestly bored. Don't know what was in there, that I was crazy about. The physical aspect, however, is there and is strong. Desiring the sensation. I'm realising that's not bad at all. But is to be shared with the wife, I'm yet to find. I think this was the thing driving me when I slipped. I think, I could have looked at cotter-pins catalogue with the very same effect.
I pray for complete distrust of myself, complete trust in God and right judgment. I have been free from this sin for over 2 years and I know that I cannot trust myself with PSubs or anything close to it. This is simply playing with fire.
That's totally true. I am committed to abandoning PSubs forever. But I feel there's something else. I wouldn't say external, but somehow foreign to myself pressure, or drive, or I don't know what to call it, that operates with or without the temptations. It's not intellectual, but animalistic. Not desire for someone, but desiring the desire itself. With that said, I feel further investigation is unnecessary. Perhaps there are answers still to be discovered, but what good are they? Can we even begin to comprehend the reality of the spiritual battlefield? Whatever it is I struggle with, there is victory and triumph in Christ Jesus! Our King will conquer all enemies and destroy all evil. This much understanding is more than enough. I promise to give up all attempts at fixing myself up on my own.
I agree with you completely and my experience is the same. This morning, a movie popped up on my YT. It is a war drama, which I typically enjoy, and I can see why YT's algorithm put it there. This one also included a world famous beautiful actress. The film contained no sex nor nudity of any kind. The actress was modestly dressed throughout but frankly her presence added little to the story line. It doesn't require much thought to see why the directors cast her in this film. In each scene which she appeared my eyes were drawn to her face and I came to realize I was endangering myself to stare at her. Truly, I cannot trust myself. I doubt that I ever will be able to do so. I must rely on God to protect me and prompt me to turn away.
Yea, temptations are lurking at every corner. Sometimes I feel the more you avoid them, the more they themselves find you. I keep thinking about "the thorn in the flesh". Thank you, @CPilot, for introducing me to Archbishop Fulton Sheen. I've been watching his sermons and started his book "Life of Christ". I really, really needed that! Thank you! Many blessings!
Fulton Sheen was a true genius both in his intellect and his ability to communicate it. I learned several things from that book and particularly I learned several reasons why Christ is undoubtedly the Only Begotten Son of God. Truly, we are given a privilege to read his words. This morning, I am disheartened by the secular news media. I hope I am not being melodramatic but given the direction modern society is heading, it is not inconceivable that inspirational Christian books like this could be banned by some governments in the future. In any case, the privilege to read them and practice our faith is something to be thankful for and not taken lightly.
