My journey

I'm 21yo male a Med student currently on 4th year now
My pmo addiction started when I was 1st year secondary school maybe
It's 5 years of addiction now
My longest streak was when i was on 3rd year secondary school it was around 8 month
240days maybe
Next longest streak is 86 days
Now I'm on 2nd day and I plan on posting every day her My thoughts about the day

 

Day 7 no pmo

 

Shit I forgot about this thread
Day 7 **
Any way Things that I've decided to do In My pmo challenge for the next 30 days as I have exams

• *No annime- no moviiies- no social media --no youtube from my phone and ofc no pmo I used blocker x to block all of that
• *I'm allowed to use social media from my younger brother's phone for 20m only when he is at school ""I sweared to God to keep that promise""
• *I also plan to fast every Monday and Thursday as i have kaffara and also to have the benefits of suppressing the urges, "as a skinny person who have high metabolic rate I thought that would be tough but I tried one day and I think it was great actually didn't affect my ability to study on top of that I guess I had clear mind on that day "
• *Wake up same time every day at 5 am to pray al fajr

This past week've been kinda fruitful
*Had two wet dreams which is a good sign I guess
There have been little urges surprisingly and I think that's related to guarding my eyes and blocking everything that might show stimulating pics and ofc that's thanks to God when he saw sincerity in my thoughts and actions he helped me get through it .

*in terms of studying I didn't meet my goals but I was consistent and slightly improving every day
*there is a daily live stream after fajr on telegram that I've been attending this past week
There is a different person every day that holds the meeting and shares some knowledge with us about religious topics like (- tafsir of quran -Hadith - life of prophet mohamed peace be upon him -) and reflects that on our daily lives
and I think it was really helpful and I hope to continue attending it every day
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I have exams next week so it would be great if you pray for me
So far clean first week

 

Day 8
I had a wet dream again today which makes it two days in a row , idk why I never had these amount of wet dreams before lol , it's like when I just hit puberty in prep school but any way I guess it's a good sign
+ I missed the gamaaa prayer but alhamdullilah managed to do ghusl and pray in time before the sunrise
And now I have to study
Update
I was feeling depressed the rest of the day couldn't study much although I have exams
I started to feel some urges and wanted any sort of escapism really bad like watching
youtube-aniiiime-social media or just relapse

Now when I think about it, the pattern somehow is like this I don't have energy to study or I don't study so I watch yt or open social media or aniiiime then I waste more time then I feel more guilt then I start playing around and start looking for any small stimulus just some random pics on Google search then I turns to explicit P then I waste really long time like 2-8h if not 2 days without doing any thing productive ah this shit is bad
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I think the real challenge is tough days like this one
If I manage to do continue studying inspite of lack of energy and manage to sleep early then everything will be alright
Also one more thing I guess starting studying ASAP after you wake up would make big difference

 

Day 9 still the same feeling +lack of sleep
I'm fasting today hope that helps let's see what happens
Well it kinda helped me I didn't have urges
But there was lack of energy as my sleep schedule is messed up and I slept in the middle of the day for like 3 hours

 

Day 10
Woke up to fajr prayer but couldn't go to the mosque so I prayed at home then slept till 9:30 am then here iam it's about 11am so about 1 hour wasted
I have a large amount of lectures to finish today
I hope I don't procrastinate
See ya

 

Day 11
Exam is after tomorrow
I'm doing revision now
Had good sleep today which wasted time but made me concentrate more
Also one thing is i didn't pray fajr in masjid these past two days cuzco I only wake up pray at home then sleep
Hope that changes
Also good mood and no urges
Pray for me if you see this

 

Day 13 I did great in the exam today alhamdullilah Slept only about 4 hours

I need to sleep also I need to study for the osce exam after tomorrow Idk if I should take a nap or study till I sleep
If I continue studying and sleep early it would be 9pm about 7 hrs from now
I guess that's better as I would wake up early but it would be tiring
Any way all is good alhamdullilah
I forgot to post this yesterday .

+some updates
For the rest of the day I had some thoughts /images in my brain and it was strong yesterday . When I layed down in bed to take some rest and used my phone the urges become strong "thank god I didn't see anything " I think actually I could've relapsed easily if the conditions were different (if I didn't have exams and my schedule wasn't busy I probably would like 80% relapse )
And it made me realise that I still have a long way to go . there are some things that I need to change there is something wrong Iam doing or something I need to do as my streak can easily fall like this .
Because when I use my phone -open my browser there is strong chain of reactions that happens images come to my brain and I feel thrilled and suddenly my sense of right and wrong goes away and I get stuck very easily .
It's some thing like this on days I feel bored I use my phone -tablet aimlessly I search on Google about random things like (people - annìime - names of series -..)any kind if ideas that comes to my brain then I see some image then I feel rush of dopamine then I search more and then it escalates and I touch my thing until the cycle complete and it always consumes alot of time average 4-8hour of the day are wasted then there is aftereffects like mood changes guilt messed up sleep schedule which wastes more time aahhhhhh and my fking brain doesn't put all of that into account when he just focus on the dopamine rush that happens in the first place
I really am vulnerable and weak I admit it
I need to put some defense system to prevent this nasty cycle form the very beginning
May be I need to learn more about it I download some Spotify podcasts that talks about pmo and I plan to listen to them ASAP . Also I need to get closer to God and be sincere with him as I saw in the begging that helps in mysterious way .
And need to do some software update on my brain and constantly remind my self why am doing this because at this rate I could relapse in any moment .
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And there is also one last thing which is every time I have a thought or urge and choose to endure and not to act on it I strangely feel happy after that -it only takes like 5-10 minutes and you feel okay for the rest of tha day not just okay but actually satisfied and happy in some way and that lasts long and have positive aftereffects.
On the contrary when you act on it you felt thrill yes for like one hour or two maybe but you feel really bad immediately after and for the rest or the day -weak -month if you repeat it or may be year .
Conclusion I don't need pmo my life would be better without it .
I don't need to watch p or do m . I don't need to look when I see a woman in the street wearing something revealing I don't need to look when I see I picture on my phone of the same thing . I don't need to look at hot pfp .
I don't need to watch annniiime ,mmoovvies, series or read mannnnga that have any king of stimulating scenes . I'd be better without ll of that

 

Day 14
I used hypnotic to help me sleep I guess I slept enough about 8.5 hours but I don't feel like I had enough and I guess it's because my sleep schedule isn't fixed +hypnotics (night calm which I'm using currently )doesn't make me sleep deeply its not natural so it's expected
Also the problem with sleeping is stuck with me for like 4 years now I will try to address it in the next journals
Any way its The day before osce exam I hope I study well today

 

Day 15
Exam day
It was good alhamdullilah
The night before it was really terrible I was scared and prayed to Allah for help then did what was possible
Good day over all
But one thing I'm afraid of is this time after exam
I think it's also a vulnerable period based on my past experiences
You feel kinda empty you're exhausted and you expect something to make you feel good or happy after all thatb but when you don't find it you use a bad alternative which is cheep dopamine surge you seek when you're in bed , now when I think abut it most of my relapses happened in bed , only when I'm laying down .
OK there is sometimes I did it when I was on chair but any way
That's the report for today

 

28-29/12/2023
Update for day 16 -17
Day 16
I slept early on the previous then wake up as usual at 5 am to pray al fajr thank god I was able to wake up despite being exhausted
It was was Thursday and I intended to fast on this day as a kaffara and also a sunna of the prophet peace be upon him
So I woke up before fajr then eaten and prayed but stomach is full so I can't sleep so I remained awake I intended to relax on that day
As I'm abstaining from social media and every thing I felt bored but I was allowed for only 1 annnnime ep per day I watched gankutsou it was good then listened to an hour podcast
There were still urges as I'm not used to this kind of situation but alhamdullilah I managed to get through them and didn't act upon them
Subhan allah after every time I endure the urge - boredom and do nothing I feel good after it ends and that is the kind of feeling that I want , it's genuine, it's real, it gives me confidence, it makes me act naturally for the rest of the day, I get more energetic, I find my self more interacting with my family my brother , more in touch with reality, I become more calm and when I have an embarrassing situation I cope better with it
I hope with help of God that I continue to remember this positive effect this peace that comes after submitting to God, after enduring pain for the sake of Allah you have peace . Well even if you're not a believer and you do that you'll find peace as this is what God told us to do and he knows us the best .if you do that for the sake of your self you'll find peace .but if you do it for the sake of submitting to God not only you'll find more peace in life but also you've won the hereafter.
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Day 17 which is yesterday am updating this on 30th of December anyway
Well it started at around 5 20 am where I woke up to pray
I was feeling tired due to lack of sleep from the previous day (16, in which I was helping my cousin doing an essay and stayed up until late 12:30 am maybe )
So I was tired and tried to sleep first but couldn't then decided to wake up
But I wasted alot of time I didn't study much
I spent alot of time with my little brother i told him about medicine and what I study and told him abut human body ,organs , functions , how does it get sick how do I know as a doctor and he was really interested which made me excited and I talked alot
My brother is about 6 y.o BTW

Also I spent some time with my older brother
I remember talking about some werid girl showing interest in him out of no where also a situation with our neighbour when he was angry and shouting at him bc of something
And me telling him about a similar situation and how I dealt with it .
And I usde wtsap talked with a friend , this specific friend idk why but I waste alot of time when u talk with her , I usually take long time to respond to her messages which is a problem , honestly I don't believe in having a female friend dto religious and also logical purposes any way she asked abt how I'm doing and I asked her too
She replies with alot of messages and mentions alot of details which I don't know how to respond to its hard some how to deal with wtsaap and texting it is not like speaking with real person where you can just stand silent at some times but the person know you're listening and you're interested in what he says, so there is alot of things missing in texting
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One thing else is I spent quite some time on this site
Which I want to change
I want to use it more efficiently for example having a specific purpose and knowing that I'll do 1 and 2 and 3 then close rather than just opening then do something then close then remember ther is a other thing and so on
Also I notice that I consume time reading other people's threads which is a good thing but I have exams and I don't want to waste much time

 

30/12/2023
Day 18
I woke up at time of prayer realised I had wet dream I was thinking of skipping gama'aa prayer as I'd take long time taking a shower (doing ghusl) but I asked God to help me and managed to catch the prayer alhamdullilah
.then I wanted to watch the live on telegram but Internet was too bad so I couldn't hear anything on top of that I was chosen to do the next live on Tuesday anyway
I decided to sleep which is bad decision I guess as I wasted alot of time, also I missed al-zuhr prayer.
I better study in the morning next time and sleep in the afternoon If I need to
Then here iam studying
Also no urges surprisingly alhamdullilah I didn't have that chaser effect after wet dream thanks to Allah and I managed to pray alfajr
That's for today
See ya
Ah one thing else Iam thinking of moving this thread to snother section which is rebooting section age 20-24 as there is very little reach in this section which I choose randomly to start a thread I realised it was not the right one

 

31/12/2023
Day 19
I woke up early but consumed alot of time on many things
Which I guess are good , like replying to a friend , helping my little brother with some issue , writing on nofap to help other people
but not the right way to manage my time
Especially as I have priority which is studying for exam right now
I tend to feel guilt and waste more time at times like this but I need to learn from my mistake and use this as a knowledge to improve my self

 

1/1/2024

Woke up early

Eat suhur

Telegram

Prepared for the meeting from 7 to11 am took too long also lack of sleep is a factor

From 1 to 5

Thoughts 0

Urges 0

Staring 0

Online looking 0

PMO 0

 

2/1/2024
Ahhhhh I want to sleep
But I need to studyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Update
Surprisingly I felt energised the rest of the day despite sleeping only for like 5hrs
I guess the reason was because of that telegram meeting I held on that day
Also me having an interesting discussion with My brother made me alert- excited for the rest of the day.
But I didn't study that much ut was about 42 pages + some mcq
My target was atleast 70p
I forgot to count the urges -thoughts
I guess I had one maybe I don't remember
I'll try to count them next time inshallah

 

3/1/2024
Day 22
Woke up same time , but this time I feel like I had good sleep which doesn't happen that much so alhamdullilah
Prayed at the mosque
Attended meeting had breakfast my coffee ready let's go
My target is to finish neuro +ped surgery today

 

Day 23

4-1-2024

Thursday

Fasting woke up early fajr telegram

Started neuro

Only 5 days left for pediatric

Today I want to finish as much as I can from neuro

Did a little embarrassing act which conveys that j was ignorant a out the rules of the group posted a post in the wrong section

Despite feeling like it might be wrong I posted it but after that the admin explained that it not right in a very polite way and I deleted it and then posted it again in the right section

Satan wants me to keep thinking this situation and neglect my duties/my worship as they are the same thing

Studying is a form of worship as prophet peace be upon him said that "He who follows a path in quest of knowledge, Allah will make the path of Jannah easy to him. The angels lower their wings over the seeker of knowledge, being pleased with what he does. The inhabitants of the heavens and the earth and even the fish in the depth of the oceans seek forgiveness for him. The superiority of the learned man over the devout worshipper is like that of the full moon to the rest of the stars (i.e., in brightness). The learned are the heirs of the Prophets who bequeath neither dinar nor dirham but only that of knowledge; and he who acquires it, has in fact acquired an abundant portion."

I'm alright don't need to worry about nothing .

Also I need to take a shower
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Update ..
Took a shower and a nap in the middle of the day . Felt good

 

5/1/2024

Fajr task done .

Sunna before fajr done

Qiyam done .

Today is fry day and I hope to follow the sunna of the prophet peace be upon him today

Update

Managed to do that alhamdullilah. went To goma'a prayer early for first time in a while

Put perfume combed my hair didn't have enough time to change into nice clothes but I looked and smelt good and went early on goma'a prayer and that's the sunna of the prophet peace be upon him .

 

https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/rebirth.356526/page-2
I moved the thread to another section this is the link