My Life Is Extraordinary, Porn Is Holding Me Back

I don't know where to start, but like many here P is my "dark side"...

I am now 22, I started at a young age when I would hump random things, it was so bad that my parents nicknamed it "wiggling". From there, of course I discovered the internet and P, and for as long as I can remember this has been my reality.

Early 2022, I realised that this was a serious problem, and decided to quit. This was more difficult that I could have ever imagined, and now over a year later I feel incredibly ashamed that I failed, and that my counter is just 2 days. That's why I'm here, I have installed blocking software and plan to go full cold turkey.

My urges always kick in very strong after 7-days, typically Monday morning when I first get to work. my thoughts have always been "next time, you deserve this, you're doing better" and rationalising however possible. From reading here, and understanding how normal these urges are, and how important they are, I can't wait for them to hit again.

Now, to my other side of life. I got married last year to my gorgeous wife, for being so young we have an amazing connection and share the same dreams for our life and family. I am also an apprentice entrepreneur to a great businessman, which means that my office day-job is mostly self-lead in my own office. This is where things turned bad in 2022.

I hope that by continuing to share my story as I progress through the reboot, I might inspire others and hold myself accountable for my actions. I don't know what lies ahead of me on this journey, but it feels like my good and bad sides are constantly at war. If I don't overcome this addiction, I know that it is only a matter of time until it catches up to me.

I'm looking forward to writing this journal, and being able to revisit this journey 365 days from now, when hopefully, I can say that I have overcome this. Thank you for joining me.

 

Now onto another day. I didn't get much work done yesterday as I went down the rabbit hole of reading threads here. I have started to learn a lot, and am grateful for everyone in this community. I will try my best to outline some of my thoughts below, but please note a potential soft trigger warning in my writing from here onwards.

To say the least, over the past few years I have fallen down the path of becoming obsessed with a specific niche,

Spoiler: warning

humiliation and s*ssy content

. It has been eye opening to read stories from people who had fallen into the same trap, who faced the same issues as me such as body dysmorphia and thoughts that maybe I'm not a man,

Spoiler: warning

maybe I should let someone do the thinking for me and just listen.

To read that this content uses similar techniques to the now illegal hypnosis which was used to "cure" homosexuality in the past, I realise just how deep I am and how serious this is. To read that people on this forum didn't even know that this genre existed was shocking, I have been so convinced, maybe even brainwashed, into believing that this is normal behaviour. It is not just a kink, it is a disease that takes over your mind and makes you feel inadequate. It truly makes you believe that you could never please a woman, which only further pushes you into consuming more.

For those who don't know, please do not go down this path. Don't even get curious. I am only now realising the extent that the subconscious messaging must have had on my day to day to life and thoughts, what started as something fun and new has absolutely changed my brain and thought patterns. Thankfully it seems that other people have been able to rid this filth from their minds with enough time.

Today, I can feel the urges starting to creep in and images enter my mind, but thats okay. I believe that feeling but ignoring these urges is what will rewire my brain. Without the urges I cannot get better, so I hope that they continue to build. I just hope that I can push through. I am also starting to feel concerned about flat-lining, having an even lower libido is a scary thought, I love my wife very much, I don't want her to think that it is her. Maybe I should tell her? But due to the nature of the content this could spark conversations, maybe she wouldn't see ever me the same?

Either way, once this filth is truly gone from me I will share my story and this thread with her. I will find a way to share this story with the world, I believe that more and more men will be struggling and we need to do something about it. This is a part of my lifes mission, but for now I need to rid of it myself.

 

Day 3 of my journal, day 4 of no PMO (without sex).

Feeling good. Made it through a tough week, looking forward to the weekend where I will be with the wife and won't need to worry about my urges getting too strong. I'm lucky in this regard.

I am dreading Monday. I have had a 7-day setback for my last 3 streaks, and am determined to stop. Monday the 8th of May was the last time I will ever watch P. If I can hit 1 week, I can hit 2. And if I can hit 2, I can hit 8. From what I can tell, if I hit 8-12 weeks things should get easier so long as I don't get complacent. I'm still looking forward to this journey.

Signing off until Monday.

How can I change the world if I can't change myself?

 

Day 6 of my journal.

Weekend was good. Monday morning was difficult as I expected, but I made it through and the afternoon was very productive. Day 8 tomorrow.

I'll try and write a bigger journal update for day 7.

 

Too busy at work again today to write a lengthy update, but day 7. Feeling good, weirdly energised. Less brain fog, which is strange. Tired towards the end of the day though.

Currently, no thoughts or strong urges. Feeling good. Time to hit the gym.

 

Day 8 update. Boss isn't in the office today so I have a little more time to write something out.

Feeling great so far, 4 days in a row of burning 1000 calories daily through fitness and setting new PBs at the gym, making my way through the Eminem discography has surprisingly helped a lot! My urges are fine, I do sometimes find myself thinking about P but am able to pull myself in line quite quickly. I am determined to make May 8 the last day I ever watched P. This is a disease spreading through the youth, and nobody else realises it, doctors are constantly talking about the rise in young male ED but most refuse to note P as the cause.

We need to do something about this. I'm not ashamed of the things I have watched, or the hours lost. What's important is overcoming it, and sharing that story with the rest of the world. Like many of us, I have always turned to P when feeling anxious or overwhelmed, whether positive or negative. I think it will be interesting to see what my brain does when given the opportunity to build my urges, I'm looking at is as a game of outwitting myself. And I never lose.

Right now it's midday on Wednesday, meaning I have only 2.5 days left until the weekend. I have started a new technique this week to reduce my impulses even further, my laptop is the only device that can pause my internet filtering, and I am now leaving it at home when I go to work. This is good, but I feel extreme anxiety about working from home. For the past 2-years, I have never gone a day of working from home without a 3-hour PMO session. I know that eventually I will need to spend a day at home alone. But I plan to push that back for as long as I possibly can. I'm getting closer to my all-time record of about three weeks but I don't fully count this record as I had plenty of distractions at the time while travelling, and I gave into the urges as soon as they came back, but it feels good to be on the right path.

@cleaningupmyact I think I saw that on my Instagram feed a while ago. I'll need to watch the entire movie. Thinking about it, I have realised that P was probably part of my escape from the stress of expectations I put on myself, which at first might not be too bad. But, due to the nature of P, of course it took over to the point it is now. Although I don't agree with your statement as I believe that anybody can achieve anything with the right mindset, I appreciate the extra drive and inspiration that you have given me. Thank you for giving me that perspective.

My body has felt noticeably lighter, my head clearer and my energy levels higher for the past few days. I have been reading that P can reduce our ability to burn fat, particularly around the stomach. So, I'm looking forward to my abs!

 

Day 9, looking good but don't have the time to write a big update.
Looking forward to double digits.

 

Missed day 10 but on day 11 now.

10 days to go until day 21, and I feel if I can make it to there I'll be golden. Already noticing differences with less brain fog and a little more energy. Reading a lot, learning how to use AI to make my life more efficient... Time I wouldn't have had without dropping P.

Also, have decided to cut out unnecessary sugar and snacks with the wife, so hoping that the back half of this year is a big growth period.

Appreciate everyone I've already met on this forum. Have a great weekend, stay strong!

 

Not happy to admit that I'm back at square one. I believe I relapsed around day-21, kept going for a week falling into old habits. I understand why I relapsed and have battered down the hatches. Not again. No more.

 

Man, it's so tough. Just wish that I could tell my childhood self to stay away, everything would be different. But, the best time to start will always be yesterday!

 

Day 1. Back on the horse.

I just dropped my guard, my curiosity opened up and then fell into the trap of "not caring" as it feels better and more natural. I'll try to write longer updates here, I used to write a lot and it was fantastic therapy. I'm just super busy at work trying to catch up on everything I slowed down during my period of not caring. Shooting for at least 30-days this time, and from there forever.

Glad to see you're still here @A-shamed.

 

Day 0. Today was a reset.

Very, very, very disappointed in myself. I just haven't been dedicated to this as I need to be, I haven't been using this journal to make sure that I remember why I'm doing this.

I keep letting my guard down, but the only was is cold-turkey. We all know that. My productivity is near 0 at work when I'm going through this, it can sometimes be several days before I finally let myself O and get the wave of realising what I have done. I'm considering seeing a therapist... I have been stuck in this vicious cycle for over 10-years now, it's always the same. I can't believe that I initially got to two-weeks, and that I let that streak fall.

I don't know what I need to do to stay on top of this but checking in here daily and continuing to research YBOP and NoFap will help me for now.

So sick of this.