My Story of Recovery and Realizations Along the Way

Hey all, I should've done this a long time ago, but here's my story of recovery.

Throughout college, I had what might be considered in modern terms a reasonably "healthy" sexual balance between real-life experiences and porn/masturbation. I had a couple of long term sexual relationships with girlfriends during that time but also watched porn and masturbated about twice a week on average. Though I had occasional issues with getting and staying erect, it wasn't really enough to cause me concern.

Things started changing when I moved to New York City for grad school. I was lonely, because I didn't know anyone there and I was enormously money-anxious - looking at a well-into-six-figures loan debt between college and grad school that would be waiting by the time I graduated. I was stressed with schoolwork and I felt a pit in my stomach every time I even thought about spending money on nonessential things.

Porn and masturbation was the way I dealt with both of those things. Lying down on my mattress on the floor of my shitty (but expensive) 400 sq. ft. studio apartment and browsing for something to get off to was something I could look forward to every day, and it was free - going out to a bar to try to meet someone would've cost at least $20 or $30, which made it untenable to me. Alone and lonely, I spent more and more time doing this.

I was always kind of a fetish guy, and I'd get deeper and deeper into one thing or another until moving to the next, and during that first six months in New York it got to the point that I would spend upwards of an hour some nights just finding anything intense enough to masturbate to. I had no idea what kind of damage I was doing to myself.

My brother visited in January and we went out to some bars. I met a girl who really liked me. I wasn't all that attracted to her but figured it had been a long time since I'd had sex so I agreed to meet her again. We went on a date and then she came back to my shitty little studio apartment, but I was unable to get even slightly hard. We met a couple more times before things fizzled out but during both I couldn't get erect, not even close to hard enough to put a condom on.

I told myself the issue was that I wasn't attracted enough to her. I told myself that again two months later when I met a girl at a school event and was unable to get it up; and again over the summer when I hooked up with a girl at the beach. Part of me wonders if even then I knew the real cause, but just didn't want to admit it to myself because porn and masturbation had become such a staple of my daily life - the most enjoyable part of most days, really. I went back to school for my second year and just kept up the same habits - gym in the morning, class, homework, part-time job that didn't pay near enough to alleviate my money-anxiety, go home, masturbate, sleep.

My eye-opening moment came on the night of the Super Bowl that year - when the Eagles beat the Patriots. I decided to go to a bar alone that night and watch the game. I met a girl at the bar, and she was gorgeous. Let's call her Sarah. I felt really, really attracted to her. And I remember thinking, "I'll surely get it up for her if I get the chance." Well, I got the chance that night. And still, even with Sarah, I wasn't even close. I made some offhand remark about having drank too much, but I knew I'd only had two beers. She was nice about it, and gave me her number.

After walking her to the subway, I went back to my room. I pulled up porn on my phone. I tried getting erect to just visual stimulus, not touching, squeezing, borderline abusing my penis as usual. I couldn't. Even the most extreme shit, the deepest fetishes I'd gotten into - my penis was completely lifeless.

I cried that night, realizing what I'd done. I started googling "porn addiction" and "unable to get erect porn masturbation" and things like that, and found NoFap for the first time. I remember being encouraged by stories of recovery, but also having doubts about my ability to refrain from porn and masturbation for months, maybe years, to recover. And part of me thought about the prospect of just giving up - just letting myself go deeper into it, let porn and masturbation be my sex life from then on, and the thought held some appeal. But I didn't do that. I took down a piece of notepaper and wrote the numbers 1-100. 24 hours later, I crossed off the 1. I promised myself that I would not watch porn or masturbate until I'd crossed off 100, at least.

Those first days were really hard. I found myself almost unconsciously starting to type the names of porn sites into my phone browser each night before deleting the tab and feeling my pulse rise. I started going to the nearby basketball court every time I felt my urges becoming overwhelming. Pretty much every night I'd go shoot baskets and do drills - in a hoodie and gloves in the cold-ass February air until I started getting sweaty. Often until after midnight. To an outsider it might have looked like I was suddenly deciding to pursue my NBA dreams at age 23. I'd get home sweaty and tired and just go to sleep. I'd find my mind wandering to porn scenes in class or on the subway and fight to think about anything else. I started noticing how much commercial culture pushes sex as a means of advertising - how much I was surrounded in the city by imagery designed to evoke sexual urge. Even if I was managing to control my own thoughts, it was just about impossible to avoid seeing highly sexual, often edited/enhanced imagery all around me, triggering that lust to see more. Many of the nearest relapses I had during my recovery started when I'd see an ad on a poster or a billboard or even attached to a Youtube video that contained some element that reminded me of one of the handful of porn/fetish rabbit-holes I'd gone down and would make me want to go back into it. Something that helped during those times was having some self-empathy - realizing, "oh, it's not just my own weakness, the culture we live in is designed to fetishize and facilitate compulsive desire" - and getting a little pissed off - thinking, "I will NOT let my body and my sexual autonomy be a victim of this culture."

Two weeks after we met, Sarah visited again. With no alcohol in my system, and with 13 days crossed off, I was again unable to get hard. I told her my condition - I told her I was addicted to porn and that my consumption of it had been escalating for at least a year and a half; I told her that I didn't know how long it would take to recover but that I was determined to do so; told her that I didn't expect anything from her but if she would be patient with me, I would truly appreciate it. It had been a long time since I'd been so vulnerable with a girl I was attracted to, and it was scary, but she was very sweet and comforting.

The wet dreams started the next week. Day 15 was the first, then again on Day 19. I started getting better at keeping thoughts and urges away, though I was still going to the basketball court just about every night - it had become my nightly ritual, replacing porn and masturbation. It was the first time in my life I got to be decent at the sport as a generally unathletic white guy with about a 13" vertical.

Sarah came again three weeks after her second visit. And again, I was unable to get hard enough for sex. But for the first time, I at least got a little hard while I had my fingers inside her. That was 33 days in. Two weeks later, after a couple more wet dreams and countless more of the little battles to *just* *not* *think* *about* *porn* that occur throughout recovery, Sarah came again and I was able to get hard enough to put on a condom and have sex.

It hadn't taken nearly as long as I'd feared, and it was even more rewarding than I'd hoped. It was a special feeling, having admitted my addiction to this girl, her having been so understanding and patient, and finally being able to physically express the attraction I'd felt for her from the start. Recovery isn't easy and it remained a struggle for a loooong time, even now, sometimes, 22 months after starting, but that feeling honestly made it not so hard for a few weeks because I realized, concretely, how worth it recovering was.

I crossed off all 100 days and kept going. Sarah and I maintained an open sexual relationship for the next six months before she moved away - she'd only been in the city temporarily, from out of the U.S. - and we're still friends, and I'm still grateful to her. And I'm especially grateful because two months after she moved away, I met my current girlfriend and began what has been without a doubt the most sexually rewarding relationship of my life.

I know I got lucky by meeting Sarah. I was undeniably attracted to her but just as undeniably unable to get erect for her, which led me to accept my problem; my attraction to her gave me strong motivation and a clear goal to stay on track with recovery; her understanding and kindness was comforting even when I was enormously frustrated. Without her, it's very possible I wouldn't have had the strength to stay away from porn, and maybe I wouldn't have reached the level of sexual confidence I had 10 months after starting my recovery when I met my current girlfriend - maybe I wouldn't have made a move, maybe I'd have lost all the appreciation of engaged, personal sex my relationship has taught me, an appreciation which has definitely made continued recovery much easier.

No jerk session can even compare to the pleasure, joy, intensity, and intimacy of sex that you are truly engaged with. When I think back to that first night when I realized and came to accept that I was addicted to porn, it's mind-blowing to me that I even considered just letting the problem go, thinking that masturbation could be enough. I also think back about the self-loathing I felt at that time with more empathy. Sexual desire is propagated and used big-time by commercial culture. If you live in a city or watch TV or go online, you are constantly being assailed by sex and by objectification and by commodification and it is *designed* to affect your psychology - not to addict you to porn necessarily, but to addict you to consumption. It wasn't and it's not weakness that got you here; it was ignorance of the stakes and pervasiveness of the problem, and the fact that there are people who profit from facilitating your consumption so they are incentivized to make it compulsive. Understanding the problem and understanding yourself can get you out of it. If you are here, there's a good chance it's because you're a romantic - you believe that sex and all the connection and intimacy that can come with it is worth this struggle. And you're right. But one can only accept love to the extent one loves themselves. So be gentle on yourself. And get angry at the culture that would victimize your sexual freedom, that would neuter it to hone a more perfect consumer - refuse to be a victim.

Appreciate yourself for the fact that you've decided to get out of porn addiction. Having faith that sex is worth it is a strength in itself, and it's TRUE. I've come to treat and appreciate my body in a very different way than I did when I was addicted. I've always been a gym-rat, but back then, I lifted through injuries, I ego-lifted, I did dumb shit all the time because my body gave me no real joy or satisfaction other than hitting a good number on some lift. That's changed in the past year and a half; it's changed especially since meeting my current girlfriend. Sex can teach you to appreciate and value and even love your own body and what it can do - even if it can't dunk - the same way poetry can teach you to appreciate words and cooking can teach you to appreciate food. And even beyond sex, life in general just feels better, purer, more engaging and intimate when you don't have flashes of porn running through your head. I promise you, if you're struggling with the process and struggling with the thought that breaking the addiction might not be worth the process, IT IS WORTH IT. The first time you manage to have sex with someone you really like and you really care about, you will look back baffled that you ever even wondered if it was worth it.

Breaking an addiction to porn is a journey that can teach you many things and give you many insights. Value it. I know that sounds like some silly meta bullshit but I mean it. Recognize that you have been conditioned to consume it because your consumption is profitable to people who do not care whether you or anyone else is negatively affected by that consumption, so long as it continues; recognize that that structure is pervasive within our society, replicated everywhere, constantly reiterated and more exactly pinpointed to extract value from you in whatever way the system can; recognize that your addiction is the product of a culture that seeks to create desire so you have to satisfy it on an ongoing, cyclical basis, not to satisfy desires inherent or natural within us. Breaking addiction is an act of self-liberation and rebellion - rebellion against all structures that would seek to control you.

TL;DR - it might not take as long as you fear; play basketball when you feel your willpower slipping; it's definitely worth it; don't be too hard on yourself - our culture is designed to facilitate addiction in countless ways, so have some self-empathy and get pissed off at corporate commercialism that would victimize your body and mind.