My story / Rant

I started watching porn and jacking off at the start of 6th grade, so porn has had a huge impact on my life. I know realized that it stopped me from learning about myself and who I am and who I will become. I was jacking off before I could even jizz, I was just shooting blanks. Throughout middle school, I never talked to girls seriously, I would flirt meaninglessly, by teasing and making jokes. I consider myself to be very introverted so making friends was hard but once I made friends I opened a lot and become the humorous person I was when I was around family. I saw my friends get girls and I was a bit jealous, I was afraid to try to approach a girl and get her number. So middle school sucked, high school I joined the XC team and made a solid group of friends that I still hang out with to this day. But once again, I could not talk to a girl. Throughout these years I would jack off and watch porn 2-4 times a day each week. I was addicted and I just didn't know it. I talked to two girls in high school and I blew it both times, the first time I wasn't that upset because I didn't really like the girl but the second time I still regret. I was so stupid for being so scared to make a move. I link this to porn because it made me VERY self conscious about myself. I was a skinny XC kid and I didn't think I had a big dick, average sized. I felt like I was behind the curb and I couldn't get with a girl because I wasn't has experienced as everyone else. Because of my horrible love life, I was constantly sad. My nights and days were often filled with sad thoughts about what could of been or what could be if I wasn't such a loser. There were many times where I just wanted to die, I would never commit suicide but I wish I was dead. I had this mentality that it was me vs the world, I thought that my best friends weren't really my friends. I ended up pushing one of them away and even though they were really pushy and in my business, I now know that they were just trying to help, and to this day I am so regretful and I want to say sorry but I know they don't want anything to do with me. So fast forward to end months of 2019 and I'm talking to this girl that I have known for some time and I really thought she liked me. My constant feeling of sadness is finally going away. We hung out during new year's Eve and I end up getting rejected. I am truly devastated. So 2020 is off to a shitty start, to add to that my dog, who I have considered my best friend since the 3rd grade is dieing to cancer. My life is crumbling. I feel like such a loser. About a week later, I'm sitting in my room, jacking off to porn and it finally hits me, I need to stop, I know this negatively effecting my life, I have watched videos on the negative affects of watching porn and jacking off too much. So I decided to stop jacking off. And I was doing well for two weeks and then I relapsed. And then I found this place, so I tried it out, and I have been going strong. I already feel better, I feel free. I started to sketch, something I did when I was younger and which I was good at. I started to get back into reading. I read Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning, which I recommend. I have begun applying concepts from there into my life. I also started taking cold showers, which helps with mental toughness, so not only does this help with no fapping but with XC as well. For once, I feel good about my life, I'm starting to enjoy school, I am actually participating in my classes, I use to just sit there and draw. When I go to a party I actually try and talk to people who I don't know. And it's only been officially 7 days, but I decided to change a few weeks ago, so I feel like the progress started then. I just wish I could of started this earlier. Thanks if you read the whole thing