Need advice on making an impression (Dating) + Rewiring.

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Deleted Account, May 6, 2017.

  1. Backstory: I have PIED. I failed countless times trying to reboot, and I'm now currently on my highest streak and have no intention to fall back into the trap that pornography is.

    I would now like to approach and meet women in hopes of finding a long-term partner. Unlike most of the men here, I don't have a problem with anxiety or lack of confidence.

    However, my main concern is that I'd like to know how I can present myself in the best way possible, with things such as body language and proper choice of words to make the best impression I can.

    On top of that if I do end up with a woman, what are some of the steps I can take to fully maximize my rewiring process? (I don't plan on having an orgasm until at least 150 days no PMO)

    Any thoughts on this?

    Captain
     
  2. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I'm a partner of an addict in reboot but as a female who's almost 40 I hope I can give you some advice as I've dated a lot. First I don't recommend that you start dating seriously until you complete your reboot. I mean if you want to go out on a few dates for practice cool but i recommend against any dating involving sex. Rebooting in a relationship is very hard. Not only do you have to focus on the wants and needs of yourself staying focused but now you have a partner with her own sexual and emotional needs that you in reboot may not have to you capacity to take on. It's going down to be rare to find a female that's okay with no sex or sex with no O. If you don't O that makes us very insecure and women want sex just as much as men do. If you have performance issues in bed with that's also going to cause issues. And then you get into the relapses. So if you are honest with her (which you should be) about your process of NoFap then you need to be accountable to her for your relapses. Being in a relationship with an addict in reboot from a SO perspective is very difficult. I would venture a guess that none of us would choose it if given the choice all of the SO on here are married or already in relationships. It's a catch 22. If you don't tell her and don't O or have no sex she's going to think something's wrong with you or that she's not attractive to you and she will probably move on. If you tell her the truth most women will say oh heck no you are addicted to porn? No way I'm out. Unless you find a woman who does not enjoy sex she may not question it but why would you want that? New relationships are also very stressful with a lot of rejection. As far as how to approach a girl I have to tell you it's tough these days. Everyone online dates. As someone who dated pre online dating versus now things are so different. People are so buried in their phones you can't even catch a glance and no one likes small talk. Many women get freaked out when random guys approach. The best piece of advice I can give you is eye contact. So if you are interested in a girl try to catch her gaze and if you can and she holds it or smiles then go over and say hello. I'm not sure about your body language but when you are talking watch here. Is she turned towards you? If so that's a good sign. Are her arms crossed in front of her bad sign. Ask her about herself. If she gives you short answers bad sign if she's engaging good sign. Don't hit on women at the gym, avoid them if they are in large groups of friends. If you don't want to online date I suggest you join a meet up group which most cities have for singles. They do events like trips or wine tasting but no dating pressure just a bunch of singles doing fun stuff and no one usually knows anyone so it's perfectly acceptable to go up and say hello unlike in a bar or the supermarket where you have no idea if she's single or if you will annoy her. I hope this helps.
     
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  3. F50C137YZ

    F50C137YZ Fapstronaut

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    Here are my thoughts. Dating should never be about impressing another. It should always be about whether or not they impress you. You should still be in doubt: of her character, her beliefs, her ideas, her tendencies, everything.

    If she is worth your time, she will do the same. Chemistry is not the same as someone saying yes to everything in order to be liked. Be wary of people that do this.

    Think about this, you don't know her very well. The feelings you have come from you. Sure, they are a reaction to her, but this reaction can be found again. The real stuff is whether you make each other laugh, if you get along and have fun.

    This person, this woman, is just a person. She may be attractive to you, but she is nothing more and nothing less. Change your perspective on people, have no expectations other than a good time and life might surprise you.
     
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  4. Thank you, it really helped put perspective into my mind. But that's the hard part, I won't know when I'm fully rebooted and I'm left with this empty feeling in me because I can't release my sexual tension but I've eliminated my method of release (fapping). I just feel so sexually frustrated now. But I'm doing other productive things to pass time so it's not so bad :)
     
  5. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    I feel like the whole NoFap stuff has to come up sooner than later though... I'm not talking first few dates but if you sense it going deeper than I think honesty and transparency needs to be there relatively soon. Other than that the above advisements are pretty good. :)
     
    GG2002 likes this.
  6. Yeah I do plan on being honest when things get serious. I wanted to do things like Karezza first but I'm not sure if my then partner would be okay with the no O stuff. The amount of trouble people like us are going through now is just a testament to how bad PMO is..
     
  7. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I am in 100% agreement with this.
     
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  8. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I totally understand that but your goal to date or meet women should not be just for a sexual release. If that's how you look at it you are replacing pmo with a woman which is unhealthy . The goal should be a true connection. I don't know how long you need to fully reboot im sure the guys maybe can help?
     
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  9. Buzz Lightyear

    Buzz Lightyear Fapstronaut

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    Nope... how to kill a burgeoning relationship. Best for the poster to just move on from the whole Nofap universe. A healthy relationship may just help him do it. It is just both unhealthy and unhelpful to point out to a prospective partner all your faults. You do not need to be perfect to form a relationship.
     
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  10. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    From a SO perspective I gotta disagree with you here. If you have this issue and it effects who you are in the relationship you have to be honest. So let's say they are dating for a few months and he has ED or DE everytime that's killing the relationship already. The woman will likely try to help or see what she can do to fix it if she likes him and at that point he needs to be upfront. If he does not tell her and it keeps happening she will be very angry when she finds out why. And we deserve an early out if we choose that. It's not fair to the SO to have no clue what they are getting into. Now if he has no issues in bed and transitions well from NoFap and his recovery does not effect their sex life at all then he can delay a bit but not much. It's the same as not telling someone you were addicted to heroin or you are an alcoholic in recovery. Addicts relapse and these type of things are those you need to tell a potential partner. I get the guy does not mention it because he's afraid he will never get his foot in the door but if you have been dating more than a month and are having sex sure you got your foot in the door but when she finds out she is going to be angry and resentful. Omitting to tell someone something you know is an important detail is lying. She will feel duped. It will not go well.
     
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  11. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    Being an SO of a PA , as well as the very high risk of relapse , I respectfully disagree. I asked my bf in the very, very beginning about porn use in general bc I will not knowingly dive in with a guy who feels like it's fine to do . To this day I feel extremely betrayed he lied from the get go. Today I literally cannot tell you why I am even still with him other than that I have been kicked in the gut by this so much I can't muster the strength to haul ass away. I'm sorry but withholding information pertinent in my eyes is simply lying by omission. Something my bf EXCELS at sadly.
     
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  12. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    Not to mention a flawed man is every man, but a man who acknowledges his flaws and shows you he's trying to rectify them is mentally kind of sexy. Unless of course it's said man who only acknowledges it AFTER you find out on your own. Then it's just disparaging, disheartening, and in my opinion deceptive.
     
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  13. Buzz Lightyear

    Buzz Lightyear Fapstronaut

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    Well, I hear what you're saying. I guess it will depend on whether the person concerned is still an addict or not. If one is still an addict, then yes... confess it to your partner. But then I'd suggest an addict stays out of all relationships until he has broken the back of the addiction, i.e; until he is no longer an addict.
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2017
  14. Buzz Lightyear

    Buzz Lightyear Fapstronaut

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    This just goes to show that open conversation about these things is over-rated; most people will not admit openly to their faults. Actions will speak louder than words. You'll observe the behavior of any prospective partner; do you find him checking out excessively other women, does he have unexplained absences, or periods of ill-humor etc.
     
  15. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    Open conversation is overrated when you are having it with a compulsive liar. I've had the same discussions with 3 fiances and numerous bf's in the past and they weren't porn watchers nor did I ever start to unravel that information gained in open frank conversations as I did with this last bf. Sorry but I'll keep asking but this bf has taught me never leave it at words. Some people hide their lies so well it may very well be futile, but I have learned my trust is not a damn carnival prize giveaway. It snuck by me once I can guarantee it won't slide by so easily again. But I also dropped the ball on him bc I didn't subject him to everything I'd done in the past thinking I had a good run of great guys and HE SEEMED legit on the surface. ......wrong.
     
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  16. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I agree that if one is still an addict or newly rebooting fix yourself first. But even if you are in recovery you still have to tell her. Example would you want to be in a relationship where you found out two months in someone was a heroin addict in recovery but neglected to tell you? What if you asked about past drug use and they still did not tell you? Why because the partner deserves to know.
     
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  17. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I feel the same. I'm a trial lawyer and by nature that makes me a skeptic and I used to cross examine my boyfriends and always thought the worst. But I did not do that with my current addict partner I trusted him and he lied and lied. So I feel like even more of a fool. I understand the men are embarrassed or know you will walk of they tell the truth but it's so wrong if they don't. A woman who is lied to (and agree omitting is the same) will be resentful and angry. It's just not a good idea they need to tell recovery or not. Like hey I used to have this problem I'm in recovery now. Lying about who you are never leads to a good result.
     
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  18. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Nope still have to tell her. if you chose to lie then don't expect things to go well.
     
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  19. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    OMG yes yes this is spot on! A woman respects you more if you own it. No one respects a liar.
     
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  20. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    Lol interesting I was always told I could cross examine and argue like a possessed demon...but alas I took the short cut in going to law school and became a leo. Though now a days I'm feeling more like a psychotherapist and a struggling body language analyst. :/
     

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