NEED HELP, >200 days hardmode! Feeling straight/bisexual? (previously identified as gay)

• I know that title is super clickbaity but I’m pretty desperate for advice. I'm gonna try and be as brief as possible so you'll read through, but I'll elaborate on anything, just let me know.
  
  
• I am over 6 months into nofap hard mode(doing school remote from home so not much opportunity for romance anyways), also been working out 6x a week (stretch Sunday too), wake up at 5:30 am every morning & run a mile, cold shower & meditation everyday, quit social media/reddit/youtube, and an addiction to the dota 2(competitive video game). It feels like throughout this process (probably because of nofap), I am increasingly feeling less gay and more attracted to women (I came out when I was 18 and thought I was gay since 15-16, PMO started at 14). It started in the first couple months, I started feeling really strong desires to have biological children, and imagining myself marrying a woman. I have never had sex with a woman even though throughout my life many have been interested in me, I have had several sexual relationships with men but nothing too serious, longest lasting 2 months (about 6 partners in my life). First sexual experience was 16 where me and a friend jerked each other off a couple times, then I hooked up with a different friend when I was 17.
  
  
• In the beginning of Nofap when I had urges I would start to think about my previous boyfriend(more like 2 month hook-up partner), and had to stop myself from fantasizing, but now when I think of him I don't really feel any sexual attraction anymore. I know in the title I said straight, what I think might be more likely is that I am actually bisexual, I originally thought I might be bisexual when I was 15 or so but didn't want to be one of those people who come out as bi and then come out as gay later(petty, I know).
  
  
• I started watching porn when I was about 14-15, in my freshman year of high school. I had never masturbated or looked at porn, but at summer camp there was a kid one year older than me who everyone thought was super weird because he had never done it, so I felt I had to. I remember as a kid feeling like a pervert for looking at women's breasts, and then when I started looking up porn it was with girls, just pictures of naked girls. At some point about a year later I start questioning my sexuality and lookup gay porn, didn't like it very much but felt drawl to it to some extent. Eventually I started to watch it more and convinced myself I was bisexual, then later thought I was gay after my experiences at 16 & 17. However, even years into my 'gay-identifying' years I still watched straight porn, looking at the girl not the guy, ~70% of the time (along with avg helping of weird disgusting stuff I've now found is common on this site). I thought this was where I was messed up at first(that I should be watching gay porn), but now I think could be the opposite, I was straight (or half-straight) watching gay porn. This may sound obvious, but the reason I always came back to thinking I was gay was because of how much I felt for my real life sexual interactions, as opposed to porn. However when I look back from where I am even those real life sexual experiences seem like mutual masturbation, I only remember "loving" one guy, my first.

• Whats more is when I look back to how I was as a kid, I was very drawn to women (again that's the porn I started watching later at 14), and would never consider a man beautiful, thoughts of male sex seemed totally foreign to me and I couldn't relate to desiring it if I visualized it in my head. After spending more time on this forum, I have also read many accounts of people talking about HOCD(something I had never heard of), induced from porn and have related to the same feelings they felt (where I differ greatly however is that I actually went on to have sexual relations with men, where most who talk about HOCD here have not). Because of all this, and the timing of starting porn to questioning sexuality and how sort of indifferent I have mostly felt about my sexual partners, and how I now don't find them attractive and can't imagine wanting to have sex with them, I am concerned that I was always bisexual, or at maybe straight, and porn numbing me to women (like many other people describe on this site, straight or not) combined with the taboo of gay sex led me to only have those types of relationships, because my porn-numbed brain needed the extra kick of all too common taboo sexual satisfaction (same reason why step-sister porn is so popular). The danger of this thinking is that it could be very easily be propped up by all too common self directed homophobia turning into a sort of twisted straight idealism for myself. While I haven't suffered greatly from self-homophobia, I've seen it in others and it can make people do and think stupid things. What's more is that I now find myself unequivocally devoted to finding a future where I have a wife and biological children, and am uninterested in finding a boyfriend, but it is that certainty itself that grows my doubt about it all just being self directed homophobia(if it was really true wouldn't I feel more conflicted?). In addition, even though I know some will take offense to including this(and many gay men claim this while it not really being true about them), I feel like I should include that I do not come across as a gay man. When I came out in high school, despite being in choir and musicals at school, many didn't believe that I was homosexual, and thought I was lying to them, and only believed me after the 'proof' of my prom date.

• What I'm really looking for is reactions and advice, if anyone has felt anything similar after going on a long streak and giving up porn for life. Even if you haven't felt anything similar I would really be very grateful for any reactions and impressions of how this comes across and whether I'm really feeling something or I could be making it up. Its hard to 'test' for two reasons, firstly its still quarantine and I'm living with my parents, and secondly I don't have real desire for any hookups anymore, so would only be interested in a slow moving relationship. At the end of the day I know its my head and only I can find the answer, but would love some help getting to it. What do you think?

 

Thanks for the replies, some of this stuff resonates with me. I do think what brave bear said about being comfortable with women might apply to me. I think another angle is me being truly bi but the fear of women that tons of guys have is strong enough in me that in-person I get scared of women and take that as being not-attracted to them, but I think its really just a defense mechanism and means the opposite. As I've gone longer into nofap and think I've past the 'flat line' I've been having more wet dreams and every single one I remember involves a woman and never a man, which makes me feel like at the very least I'm not just lying to myself because my deepest sub conscious seems drawn to women. I usually remember my wet dreams and have had around 14 I think (I've kept a log), I've probably remembered around 10 and like I said all women.

Anyways I will be moving in with a good friend for my senior year of college in NYC (hes a year further in school and has a job but I'm still a student), I plan on just doing what feels right when I move out and trying to find a relationship with someone I meet in-person and not on an app ideally. Part of me wants to wait until I reach day 365 nofap (~august 9th) before really trying to get in a relationship, but if it happens before then I will probably go with it.

I do agree that the 'activist types' are not the people to go to but i'm not really good friends with people like that anyway, but do have many acquaintances that fit the description. The irony in those inevitable bad reactions and doubt to me discovering I am not just gay after identifying as gay for a few years is that that type of social justice warrior person would be 100% behind a person who considered themselves straight then saying they like guys too or whatever, probably claiming they must be fully gay.

Congrats on the >100 days by the way Steve! it sounds like you had a bigger dependence on porn from the way you describe it so its good to see the success.