New Start

YO! DAMN, what a pooper of a weekend. Friday was feeling super on track with fitness and health, sorted out a new diet and routine, was following it, felt good. Bought a new protein powder, and whatever happened i had a horrible reaction to it, and I've had the worst cramps and aches for the last 2 days. Completely wrote me off all weekend. The good news is, I'm normally very triggered by illness, there's something in the self-pity and feebleness of being ill that makes we crave comfort, and that's when I'll usually either binge social media or dating apps or porn. Fortunately, I haven't done that, but I am aware I've already become lazy and unmotivated just two days out of my routines, and although I still feel shit, i can't carry on down this route. So I've got to make a conscious effort to adapt my routine for allowing me to go easy but still getting it done. That's all i got for now.

 

Sup. Jeeze i've still been feeling shit these last few days. Spoke to the doctor and they weren't worried so that's good news. Really annoying though as i just wanna go all out with exercise and dieting etc, but have no energy and no appetite. Fortunately no real urges. I guess I'm coming to the end of the DeltaFosB cycle, so biologically I should be having fewer urges which makes sense. But I'm all out of wack with routines which is making make poor decisions, and be overconfident with lounging around and playing on my phone.

 

Annnnd we back! Damn, woke up this morning feeling hungry and with energy. Life feels so much different when you don't have such a lethargic weight on your back. It really makes you feel for those people properly suffering from covid atm.
Anyyyway, glad I didn't cave over the last week. I could of I suppose, but I think I felt even too shitty to be bothered with anything sexual. But, I do feel I picked up some bad habits of watching TV in bed, playing with my phone in the bathroom, not making the effort to speak to people, which are all behaviours I do when I'm in a relapse phase. And unsurprisingly, although I feel much better, I do feel guilty that I slipped back into those old grooves, because there's no doubt about it, they are gateways to passivity.
Anyway, back exercising, eating and working today, so hopefully, I'll iron out those bad habits again. FUCK MAN. life is so much better when you're not miserable

 

beautifully sunny day here. Got outside for sunrise this morning, nice walk around the park. Feel so much better, than the previous days. anyway, time to move on from that illness now. Fully back into the swing of things and it feels good. I have the feeling of urgency back, and a lot of things I want to get done. SO better get cracking

 

No news. Everything good.

 

Still all good baby! I think there's a little misconception with nofap that once you give it up, something magical happens and your life changes overnight, you just become extremely happy all the time, instantly get athletic, become the most charismatic person in the room, have amazing cognitive function etc etc. Maybe your brain feels like that in the first few weeks, but as nofap becomes the norm, I think the reality is, things just stabilise. Your emotions are no longer erratic highs and lows, your energy is consistent, your mood is baseline, your focus is better etc. And don't get me wrong this is fantastic, and exactly what I need, and I can see how that can completely transform my life over time, but in the immediate, there's still a lot of work that I have to put in. It doesn't change anything about my life situation or make me any closer to reaching my goals. And sometimes I forget that.
Because this is something I'm working on every day, I almost feel that I deserve something more from it. Something tangible. But the reality is, that on top of giving this up, I still have to take massive action in every other area of my life in order to change things. Nofap will not make me money, it will not apply for jobs for me, it will not teach me how to communicate better or make me meet more people or get me in shape or resolve personal issues or anything. I have to do all this stuff on top! And that's fine. I'm totally okay with that. And I realise that nofap is building the foundation to make me more successful in my pursuits of these, and it's definitely, definitely working. But sometimes I think I need to remind myself this is rehabilitation, It is not a fast track, golden ticket to the perfect life.

 

haha so if it's not one thing it's another. To make up for losing nearly a week of exercise from sickness, I've been overdoing it with the working out the past week. Definitely should of rested Saturday/Sunday. Decided to work out both days, and now I think i don something to the median nevers, and have some form of tennis elbow, which means it hurts to even push up. iiidiot. I know this will need a lot more recovery time than I'm wanting to give it, so I guess I gotta do what I can and adapt.

anyway, just watched some great videos from Russell Brand on some reallllly relevant stuff. I love his outlook to life anyway, go check them out

 

Cheers my man! you too!

 

Wassssup. SO i've been a little distracted the last couple of days, even found myself mindlessly scrolling through youtube. I know it's because i have an injury (classic trigger) and also for whatever reason, i decided to experiment sleeping on the floor., which has meant i have slept badly and been constantly exhausted. I could give up and get back into bed, or i could ride this out and see where it leads. Obviously I'm going for the second

 

So last night I caved....i decided to sleep in my bed not on the floor. haha. i didn't totally hate sleeping on the floor, in fact, i slightly craved it. But i just wasn't getting the rest i needed, and it was putting me in a dangerously compromising state. I was just cranky and tired all day, and it meant in the evening i just binged watched youtube, which is a classic sign things are not going well. So I decided to prioritize, and right now being in a good state is the biggest priority. Maybe I'll come back to floor sleeping in the future, i feel like it does have benefits for good posture and deeper breathing but i need to be more stable in my life before i do that.

Even still, yesterday i finally finished the first draft of a book I've been writing which was nice. Sending that out to friends and family today, so i gotta make sure I'm in a strong frame of mind for the next couple of weeks. I've never handled criticism well.

 

Yeahh dude totally agree. There's a fine line between pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and then being too uncomfortable you search out for things to comfort yourself. And i think that's what i was doing there. Cheers for the support bro! Good luck on your own journey!

 

Haha that was the intention. cheers for the support man, you're on a fine roll yourself!

 

So i've been noticing a lot of familiar feelings popping up in the last week or so. In the past, I've done quite a few 40-60 day streaks and I always end up relapsing for the same reason. I got overconfident. Well, it's a mixture between overconfidence in my ability to control my self, and a grandiose belief that because I've done "so well, for so long I'm entitled to some excitement". And in addition, I think I tend to tell myself that underlying PMO urges are actually just natural urges, and then some justification like, i need that release. Of course, after 40 days how the fuck could they be anything other than another manipulative angle by the addiction. And if they were healthy 'natural' urges, they wouldn't be telling me to use the computer.

Of course, it begins with little things, like, for the last 40 days i have flat out refused myself to take my phone into the bathroom. But the other day i was like, neahh i need to send some texts. so i did. but that opens the flood gates, and yesterday I watched some casual youtube clips on the toilet... but we can all see where this is leading. Same with turning off my network at 10:30 and not using it in bed. I've done that for 40 days with great results. but the past week i've wanted to listen to music in bed, then ended up scrolling...

It snowballs, all of it, really easily, and really unnoticeably. Until I'm back to doing little habits I stopped, and naughty thoughts which have been absent for a long time are creeping back.

I guess the point is, is it's a lot more than just not watching P. You really have to make sure that every aspect of your life is supporting you to reach that goal. Because it's so easy to let it creep in.

 

EEEK. Okay, i have a bit of a confession. I've been using this app to practice my Spanish where you just chat with strangers around the world. really cool app, lots of lovely people on there, easy way to stay social in lockdown. Obviously, it's been triggering me a lot because it has dating app vibes, and i convinced myself that because I was enjoying this language app, and it wasn't triggering me to PMO at all, that instead of wasting my energy talking to people across the world, i should connect with people around my area so i can get outside. (I KNOW! complete utter addiction manipulation and i allowed my self to fall for it) SO I ended up downloading a dating app and was waiting for the adrenaline rush and addiction feelings to surge. and they just never came. they still haven't. In fact, using the app just seems arduous and time-consuming. i want to meet people off it, but i don't have a desire to use the app. And I'm not even being slightly triggered by the people's sexualised photos.
Now, I'm not saying this was a good decision or things wont change, And it's certainly not productive, nor helpful for the addiction. But i am happily surprised that i can see noticeable changes thanks to this reboot. I would really like to meet some new people seeing as this lockdown will probably be extended, so I'm gonna see how I behave with it tomorrow, and if it starts to distract me from work. it's gone. and actually, I don't really care either way!

 

Okay, so i feel like i want to lie and tell you guys everything is going smooth sailing but its not. If this was SLA, i would say I've committed a bottom-line behaviour by downloading dating apps. I'm really torn. I find my self behaving in an addictive kind of way towards them, spending too long, trying match with the perfect girl, obsessing over the chase. and i can feel already so many of the physiological symptoms which come along with addictive behaviour. apathy, isolation, negativity, exhaustion etc. and so i know i should really get rid of them. But on the other hand, I'm not being triggered into PMO at all, and I'm being really honest and selective about the girls I'm engaging with. I'm genuinely seeking connection. And i would really like some more connections. There are still weeks left of this lockdown, and if I delete them now, I'm only going to do this again in a couple more weeks. So I partially feel, I should just see this through, try and meet some people, and enjoy it while I'm not being triggered. The really good news is even though I feel symptoms of addictions, I've also found that by maintaining my routine, I'm able to counteract them much more easily. For example, i just had a cold shower, did my exercises, and have turned my phone off for an hour to concentrate on work. and my mind is totally fine with that. I know I couldn't have done that before. Anyway. for better or worse, I'm gonna run the course, but it could all be gone by Friday if I don't feel better about it.

 

Haha man! I've been waiting for this correct analysis from you. I'm starting to feel like it is having a negative impact too. Even this Language learning app, isn't great for me mentally. even though it's massively improving my Spanish. I just feel off focus more than any urges or whatever. You're right, but I'm not gonna commit to getting rid of them today, because i think i have a date lined up haha, which if i being honest i would like to get out and chat to a real-life girl a bit. But you're right, they can't stick around. Today I'm blocking them for most of the day, and then I'll see how that goes till Friday.

Really appreciate your accountability bro! keep it up. you're so close to 90days!