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Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Deleted Account, Jun 26, 2017.
We have tried similar approaches in the past, but not exactly what you described. FANOS was kind of "bland" for us, and it seemed to feel very prescription-like. I didn't like the fact, that I could NEVER comment on what he said, because my comments would always be "That's it? No more?"
Whenever I ask how he feels, he always either answers some stamp-like "I'm OK", or if I dig deeper, he goes into this little-boy-holding-his-head-and-unable-to-say-anything-of-substance mode. I am so frustrated even trying anything new with him nowadays. It just doesn't work with him It's like he is stuck in this *shame balloon* and doesn't have a needle to burst it. Nothing I say, no matter how calmly and lovingly, does anything to break him open. My frustration is mainly fueled by seeing how much pain he is in, and I can't seem to help him. I don't know what exactly goes on in his individual therapy, but obviously that doesn't seem to work either. I think he is unable to be honest with himself, therefore how can he be honest with her or with me. This really feels hopeless. When I try to start any kind of discussion on this topic with him, it never leads to anything - he either goes into the avoidant mode (suddenly sleepy, or cats are doing something so interesting that he has to change the subject, or answers "I don't know" to every question), or defensive mode (typically either just arguing, angry, shifting blame, etc.), or "I'm so useless" mode (selfish, self-centered "I's all about me" kind)... I have no clue how to even talk to him anymore. Walking on eggshells is what I do, because it's too taxing to keep trying and trying and hitting a concrete wall every time.
I have told him a hundred times what I expect from this relationship, what he could do to make me feel more of a romantic partner rather than a roommate. I have given him countless examples and "recipes" for opening up and connecting. Nothing registers... Next time we discuss it, he says "I don't know what to do..." AGAIN. I almost feel like just saying "I give up!" And when I don't bring it up with him, he seems to be going about his life like everything's fine. LIKE HELL IT IS!
Can completely relate! Same in this house. My guy same..one word answers or answers my questions with a question..“How are you feeling?” Him: “Why?” It’s infuriating! I just broke down about all this same frustration today and I’m hoping I might have actually got through a little..maybe
FANOS didn’t work out for us either but this sounds slightly different. Here’s the article if want to check it out sometime. There are other articles linked that are really good too.
Hang in there @novibe
Thank you, @Broken3.
When I started my own recovery journey, I was a bit afraid it may come to exactly this kind of situation. I know myself too well. I am honest with myself and others till it hurts. I kind of knew I would be way ahead of him based on what I saw. By "ahead" I don't mean better, just faster at resolving my issues. I still think he is a good guy, but he is so stuck. He is stuck somewhere in early childhood, based on how he gets under any kind of pressure. He gets totally unintelligible, when I know he is normally basically a genius. He goes from this big confident man to some scared shamed little boy - that's where his therapist should start digging, but she doesn't. I am so angry!!! When I suggest he changes the therapist, he gets all defensive and, I guess, he doesn't want to hurt her feelings by dropping her. She is probably yet another MOTHER figure for him. I suspect he mainly has "mother issues" and "brother issues", but who knows... I will keep insisting he at least tries someone else. My therapist is amazing, but unfortunately she can't take him because of confidentiality clauses. I truly wish she could.
Wow I could be writing this myself... seriously..minus the therapist.. I muddle through it myself since when I really needed it I couldn’t afford it and now I’m just accustomed to figuring it out on my own . Although I think my husband should see one since he doesn’t know the root of his issues or at least won’t tell me.
You seem like your doing awesome in your personal journey though! I’m very happy for you. It must feel good!
That's exactly how I feel about my BF, and it's not just my opinion - he constantly says he doesn't know where/when/how his issues started. That gives me even more *evidence* that it must have started very very early. He just never saw it... When I was about 9 I got totally disillusioned about my mother, so I knew something was off and "not good". I did develop a host of false beliefs about myself due to my horrible childhood, but I actually never went into shame, because I never really blamed myself - I knew it was the childhood stuff, but couldn't get over it without therapy. He, on the other hand, doesn't see much wrong with his childhood, parents, relationships to them, etc. That's where the problem lies, I think, that he doesn't even seem to want to dig in his childhood for clues, because to him it was all normal and OK. I disagree with him based on two clues: how he gets under pressure (like I mentioned above, totally goes into a really small child mentality), and having met his parents, I actually see for myself how emotionally toxic their environment is. Unfortunately saying ANYTHING that sounds like criticism about them falls on deaf ears, because he is so enmeshed with them, especially his mother, that he doesn't see the toxicity himself. Besides, he learnt all the toxic ways from them, so criticizing them means also criticizing him, and that only results in more defensiveness and shame. In this case I think only an exceptionally skilled therapist could MAYBE help, because he is stuck to the point of not being able to help himself at all, and any attempts by me to help end up in more trouble for our relationship.
by Vicky Tidwell Palmer
I feel like this.
Rock Star left his phone here today and didn't feel like coming back to get it.
He called me from a gas station.
It's like he has nothing to hide on it.
He does not care if I have his phone All. Day. Long.
I seriously don't know what to do with this.
But maybe he actually is getting better??
This is EXACTLY where we are at too. He is abstaining and has reached an admirable number considering he's been PMOing for the better part of 25 years. But he has done zero emotional work.
A couple of dry drunks? ... Hmmmmm... I know @i_wanna_get_better1 has some info on dry drunk PAs somewhere.
I'll try to find it for you guys.
Here's an article on what it means to be a dry drunk. https://www.discoveryplace.info/addiction-blog/dry-drunk-depth-explanation-dry-drunk-recovery
This is what I found.
I know there is another passage @Broken3 @EyesWideOpen @novibe
If I run across it, I'll post it.
I'm sorry recovery isn't progressing as well as it should.
Let me know if there is any other way I can help.
*Hugs to all
OR this... Thanks for the response @i_wanna_get_better1!
Thanks @Kenzi been struggling with this the entire time really. And I read him an article on Dry Drunk. I hate hitting my head on the same rock
Well, i agree to an extent. He is remorseful and has accepted responsibility. He genuinely wants to stop and does not want to be left alone to continue his addiction. I asked him once if I was okay with it, would he continue and he said that at one time, yes, he would, when he was still in the addiction brain fog. But he said now he never wants to go back to that, that he wants to leave it behind forever because he can see the damage it has done to me, to him, and to us.
The problem is that he doesn't think there is an emotional component to it. He thinks that his addiction is nothing more than a bad habit that he allowed to get out of control. I could sit here and list every reason that it is emotional for him based on his emotionally abusive upbringing and he wouldn't believe me (because he doesn't see it as emotionally abusive).
He is seeing a CSAT that he sought out himself. I don't know how soon the work is supposed to begin, but he is on the 5 or 6th session now, and according to hubby, they have not delved into the addiction yet, they are still talking about everything else it seems. I'm frustrated because I think counseling is the only way he is going to see that this is more than just a bad habit.
Glad he sought out a therapist on his own! I’ll be happy when my husband does anything on his own without a push from me. When that happens I’ll be ecstatic!
I imagine you are really frustrated with the slow progress. 5-6 appointments with no discussion of the sexual issues seems like a lot. Would your husband be open to reading material about the causes of PA or his he pretty closed off to that info?
If either of your partners would be willing, "Breaking The Cycle" by George Collins is a great book that discusses tge reasons for PA, but not in a huge suffocating way. It has really helped my husband to identify how he got to this point. @novibe @EyesWideOpen
Oh he would read it but then set it aside and not think of it again because he doesn't see those causes applying to himself.