novibe's Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Deleted Account, Jun 26, 2017.

  1. Finally, after two months on this forum, I'm ready to start my journal. Thanks, @Jolie, for a kick in the butt.

    We met a bit over a year and a half ago. He is 8 years younger than me. I have 3 kids from before. They like him, especially the two younger ones. My oldest is an adult already, so even though he still lives with us, he has his own life now.
    At the beginning it was nice, but it started to go bad only a few weeks into our dating. Basically, when we went out in public for the first time, I noticed he wasn't really there with me, and he was staring at women. I was confused as hell, because I knew he really liked me. After a few of these ogling incidents, I finally asked him about it, but he denied. I felt overly jealous and blamed myself for it, so I tried to "work on myself". But the ogling did not stop. The sex (and any other romantic situations) were almost always initiated by me. He was always "busy" with his phone or tablet. I started googling "why does my boyfriend stare at other women" and similar searches... FOR MONTHS!!! I was so hurt and confused and felt not appreciated as a woman. A few months ago (maybe beginning of winter or in the fall) I caught him masturbating in the toilet. He still doesn't know how I figured it out, but I put one and one together and I did. I confronted him about it right away. I stormed into the bedroom and said something like "So you masturbate in the toilet after telling me you're going to sleep?!?! Now I know why you're not that interested in having sex with me." He couldn't deny it, because I said I know for sure he *just* did it. He was kind of shaken that I was so certain... I guess he never expected to be caught almost in the act, so he admitted, but said he almost never does it (it was of course a lie). Things didn't improve for the next few months, but got worse. Finally maybe end of March or beginning of April I learned about PA, because all my googling about our situation pointed in that direction. So I asked him to read one article and tell me if it sounded like him. He said "maybe yes", which for him means "YES!!! For sure YES!"
    Then I got so angry and went through a full blown trauma over this. His disclosure has been painfully slow and vague, and always based on me asking questions after questions. I'm still not sure he told me everything. The ogling continues, even though he says he's trying to control it. He has one accountability partner on this forum, but he is very young and definitely not over his own fight with PA. So far my BF has barely read 1/4 of one book on the topic. No therapy. No 12-step program. Excuses excuses excuses. He is a nice guy, but he is deeply in shame, maybe depressed, procrastinating with everything. And I am busy researching help for him instead of healing myself.
    He is doing the noPM thing (his counter says 92 days), but other than that, not much more. Excuse: "I can't spend ALL my free time on this..."
    Because of the no voluntary disclosure, I still don't trust him 100%. I feel that he would be afraid to tell me if he did slip or relapse.
    Portocala, Hopefulgirl, SOSo and 5 others like this.
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Well.... *walks in, looks around *
    This is fancy....
    You got a journal and everything....
    Can't wait to read all about it :)
  3. This is a video of the day, month, year, lifetime actually...
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 27, 2017
    Dayanew likes this.
  4. It still amazes me at how much of everyone's story you can relate with! I felt crazy about my husband not initiating or turning me down and not wanting it as much as most men. I used to Google "why my husband doesn't want sex". I seriously struggled wondering if he was gay. He's a good guy too and once I caught him he was deeply ashamed as well. I was/am struggling with exactly what you said above about him doing the reboot but nothing else (educate, identifying trigger, communicate, etc). I am on here or YBOP.. ALL the time gathering as much info as I can and he's like oh I don't have time! If you had time to rub one off and now your not...then you HAVE TIME!!! So frustrating they can be. Anyways we have our good days and bad. Stay persistent but not pushy. My guy got a kick in the butt when I spent the night on the couch. Told him I would stay there until he started "figuring it out on his own" and I'd be there to support him when/if he was ready and In the meantime I would be "figuring out what I really want, need and deserve" while sleeping on the couch. Worth a try if you want to "help the process along" ;).
  5. Ha ha! I did sleep on the couch once, but our bed is way more comfy than a couch, so I'd rather send him out of the bedroom. ;-)
    i_wanna_get_better1, Bel and Kenzi like this.
  6. Yes!! Haha I chose the couch bc the baby was sleeping in our room :D
    Deleted Account and Kenzi like this.
  7. The holidays continue in a beautiful scenery. My internal landscapes are not so thrilling. A couple of days before we return to normal civilization (big city), I'm starting to experience anxiety over facing his staring in public. I don't know what bothers me more, his staring or the fact that he doesn't make me feel like I'm "his special woman". Our days resemble perfect roommate interactions. Not too detached, but not too close either - enough to take care of kids, cook something, buy more food, ask about laundry or dogs. No thrills. No surprises. No romance. No feelings. No real sharing. No weekend getaways. No going out on dates. No dance parties. No friends over.
    He says he's socially awkward, but this is not life... sleep, eat, work, eat, repeat. Maybe it's PMO, maybe it's something else?
    One thing that I really have difficulties with is his defensiveness in EVERY situation, even towards kids. I don't like it! Makes me feel like anything and everything can set him off. It's like the proverbial "walking on eggshells" around him. When he's not around, we relax, we laugh, we dance and sing, literally. Around him it's like this constant serious attitude, because he gets ticked off by the smallest stuff. Someone didn't wrap the cheese. Someone left dishes in the sink. Someone drank all the milk. Someone didn't empty the dryer. But he himself is no Mr. Perfect!!! He is as messy, forgetful, inconsiderate as we all are sometimes. I think "easygoingness" is a skill, not a genetic trait.
    hope4healing likes this.
  8. OMG!!!!!!! You must live in my house and be married to my hubs. Or your watching us on video or something bc THIS is my life 100%. Crazy!!!!! Walks in "pick up your shoes, pick up your stuff in the yard, is your room clean..blah..blah..blah". Like seriously! How about "hi is everyone today?" He used to have a great relationship w the kids and now bc of attitude they don't like being around him. It's so sad and a really tough place for us as moms/wives to be in the middle. Im thinking it's most likely the PMO. I'm hoping it all improves with no PMO. The anger and negative attitude that he has w everyone else.
    hope4healing and Deleted Account like this.
  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    We go through periods of "2 days of anger" or so.... Buuuuutttt it's a year + for us.
    I remember alot of anger in the beginning.
    It gets better.
    (if he's rebooting)
    hope4healing, Bel and Deleted Account like this.
  10. This anger and negativity was before reboot for me.
    Bel likes this.
  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Well, yeah.... PAs are angry.
    They are reclusive.
    But it gets better and further apart.
    For us, now instead of all the time, it's just spurts.
    He's rebooting.
    That's something I've noticed too with others.
    They get less angry.
    That's all I was saying.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  12. I only quoted a part of @Abraxas'd interesting post, but the one that addresses my BF's "sins". I can honestly say (and sadly too), that he is guilty of all of them. I have come to the conclusion, that either PMO caused them all (very doubtful), or perhaps people who succumb to them are also prone to PMO (more likely). It is therefore very important to address healing on all levels of our being, not just removing a couple of unwanted behaviors.
  13. From the other thread about causing pain...

    I know what you mean @novibe. I too feel envious sometimes, mostly of the true success stories, but try to remind myself that everyone suffers in their own way. One man's trash and all that. And a lot of people went through absolute shitstorms to get where they are now. All the starker contrast between remembering heaven while trudging through hell.

    And for what it's worth you're not alone. Not that my case is an inspirational example but I never had a honeymoon period, not really. And although I have felt some sexual interest, it's pretty much all been colored (tainted) by PMO from the start. Nowadays I get less sex and it's barely better from when we started this carnival ride. In some ways it's actually worse.

    I still wonder daily why I got into this. Why did I stay? Why do I continue to stay? For what?! I don't have any ideal foundation moments with this person, no idyllic memories of how things were. The PA has been there from the start.

    I guess I naively keep hoping better will come. Better sex, better intimacy, better relationship, better man. Still waiting but also planning and prepping for the alternative. Working on my codependency issues is helping a lot both in answering the questions of why I'm with him and why should I leave.

    Because we deserve not only to be loved but to FEEL loved. Words vs. Actions. There's a big difference. Recovering from this addiction requires both but most especially actions because that is where we can see the true change.

    I've been waiting for both and am now staring down the realization that I may not get either. Not enough. That may be their best and I get to decide whether it's sufficient for me. So I will wait and try a little bit longer while I focus on me and my health and confidence.

    I wish you peace and respite from this monstrosity in your life. I hope that for every PA and SO on here.
  14. OMG, @TooMuchTooSoon, this is exactly my situation, minus the healing of my issues. Still working up to make time for me, my healing, my hobbies, my self esteem, my traumas, my wardrobe ;-)
    Like one of the SO quotes says, when/if I decide to leave, I will have done everything to make it work, so I won't/wouldn't have any regrets.
    hope4healing, Bel and TooMuchTooSoon like this.
  15. Yesterday was a tough day. He had urges, because we've been talking a lot lately, and I don't hold my tongue, so he beats himself up over everything. I guess that's one of his triggers, when he feels like he's failing, so why not fail some more.
    I don't exactly see it that way though. This is just my opinion, but I think he likes P. Maybe he doesn't like the fact it screws with his brain and causes him to be an addict, but regardless, I think he just likes it. That's how I explain the ogling to myself.
    Before we fell asleep last night, we "tried" cuddling. I felt nothing. The whole time I had flashbacks. He was kind of... I don't know how to even call it. Maybe in the dark I served as a p-sub for him. He got audibly excited about some of my "parts", but no connection, no feeling. Finally I felt he was dosing off behind me. With all the flashbacks, feeling objectified, and his obvious lack of genuine interest, I cried myself to sleep... Wouldn't be the first time :-(
  16. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    That is why I stopped turning lights out. Usually candle illumination bc I just had that feeling he may have started out with me in the dark but by the time he finished chasing his ridiculous marathon climax aka delayed ejaculation, he was probably in his mind with 100's of women pieced together in the receptacle formerly known as me. It's also in the light that literally during the act I'd remember looking into his normally bright golden brown eyes and they'd be almost black , sorta possessed looking. It was freaky as hell. I then started to try and catch him off guard so I'd say his name like in the ever classic oh god chris phrasing but he'd always come back with mine....falsely reassuring me in hindsight.
    Literally I think of all the stuff that would go through my head during sex like my own internal investigation to the truth and what particular actions I'd take on. Jesus thinking about all of that is depressing. So much for living in the moment.
    I wouldn't let your PA dozing off scare you too much. They literally do get inside their head at a certain point and the intention is to not get too worked up so that they don't get you upset. And then in typical male style it's all just too exhausting....that mental work lol....and snoring ensues. It's happened to me, I actually throw mini parties bc when mine would nod out he was usually out cold. So I don't take that as a negative. Unless they nod off saying some bimbos name .....then someone just improved his odds of waking up to a pillow over his sorry not really just kidding....well maybe I've thought that a couple of times ;)
  17. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    My advice.... Sleep with nature shows on.
    Not people.
    Hummingbirds or something.
    The light is helpful and then they can see you, but make it so the TV is off to the foot of the bed so the light is on you but not the screen.
    He has to See you for S.
    Make eye contact!!
    Even in foreplay!
    Reroute those brain pathways.
    It's important to remember imprinting and overroute those old pathways.
    If you listen to music, during... I mean, switch to music that has no voices.
    And don't say his name.... Then he can imagine anyone saying his name.
    Make him say Your Name.
    And feel free to ask me any questions.
    Hugs, @novibe
  18. Psychology Today says about ogling: "You're right to keep the matter alive—not because it takes a big emotional toll on you but because the real issue is not your husband's looking at other women in a very obvious way. It's his contempt for your feelings. There's nothing natural about that. And it's a very destructive force in any relationship."
    I agree 100%. P aside, I feel like a fool, when he does it. And the WAY he does it is even more insulting. He will position himself so that he will appear to either look at me or the kids, with the "victim" right behind. He may start to point to some landmark in order to have an excuse to turn around. Hell, he may even try to hug me if there is someone of interest behind me! And he thinks no one will notice...
    Disclaimer: nothing HUGE happened today, in case he reads this and flips again.
    Penelope, Bel and Deleted Account like this.
  19. It's a respect issue
    Penelope and Bel like this.
  20. I was thinking today about the beginning of our relationship. How happy I was thinking I had finally found someone who loved me. He is not a player type, so it felt that with this one I wouldn't be cheated on, and if he says "I love you", it means "I love you, all of you, and only you". It also meant for me "I only have eyes for you and sexually we are exclusive". All those things seemed such a given for me. So, when I noticed the ogling, it felt so out of place and so opposed to what he was saying in private. Then I noticed he only expressed anything intimate in complete privacy. Like he had a bedroom life (where I was a lover), a living room life (where I was a roommate), and a public life (where I always felt like a poor woman with THAT guy... feeling like he would be better off without me there). Then the P bomb exploded... Now I feel I don't know him and he doesn't know me. It feels excruciatingly painful to think about the difference between the relationship I imagined I had and the one I actually got. I know people on this forum say it's possible to recover and get to a place of great intimacy, close relationship, romantic dating again, and a partner in love with you so much he would laugh at an idea of turning to P or lusting after other women. I don't know... For me it seems like such an unattainable goal with him. The pain is too much. The flashbacks are too much. I doubt he will ever look at me the same way he looks at all of THEM. I doubt he will never lust over THEM. I even doubt he can love me the way I want to be loved. This is heartbreaking for me. I know he will read this and get angry, because in his opinion I am never 100% accurate in my posts. Who cares if it's 100%, 99%, or 80%?! I feel awful! I have doubts. I have lost hope. I am sad and depressed all the time. I don't trust him. And I feel sorry for him. I do. He seems so lost! Like a small child. I don't want another child. I feel numb and frozen with this whole thing.

Share This Page