Our journey

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Amaterasus, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Exactly...I knew my PA needed love and support. I desperately wanted and did give that to him, but time again he lied and betrayed me. Each time I ended up physically stiff and sore. My body would literally transfer all the emotional pain into physical.
     
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  2. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    I doubt I’ll ever feel safe again. I’ll always be on guard. Unless I go into deep psychological healing theraphy...which will take until I die.
    Ya I didn’t know this porn/sex addiction existed prior to September 2018...now that I do I look at the world through a different set of lens.
     
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  3. I feel that in my bones, which are achy and tired too. It is physically draining, as well as emotionally and mentally. Just completely zaps the joy from my life. I pray for better days for all of us.
     
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  4. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    I was taught to always put others needs above my own. This is what I have done in most of not all of my relationships. I’m now learning to put my needs first. If something I’m about to do isn’t good for me, then I absolutely must not do it.
    I have always tried to fix things...somethings are not my job to fix. I tried to fix, support, monitor etc...my PA to the point of physical, emotional and mental exhaustion. I can not do that anymore. It will kill me.
    This sex addiction is the motherlode of addictions.
     
  5. I had no idea how bad this life was. I was clueless. I wish I could go back to the person I was before this.
     
  6. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Absolutely,..I hear ya. I use to be self confident, never took any shit, bold brave and beautiful. Now I feel like a beaten broken whipped horse...worked till I’m soaking wet and left trembling.
     
  7. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Wow i have never seen this amount of response, and i will read all of it tomorrow when im not dead tired.

    So i should have slept like 2 hours ago, instead we argued on the phone over a kinda stupid thing. Not reagarding pmo but more general life stuff. And the problem was him being so stubborn about how he wanted to do things, me mostly wanting to be heard and perhaps a bit hormonal aswell. But i still feel like even if hes right in hes point, my opinion needs to be heard at least. Not just buldozed over.

    Another thing i forgot to mention during the weekend was that i noticed that the recent relapses have made hes ED come back. Like if i touch him he more or less goes flat within a minute, and i know it sucks for him. But for me it really enforces the image of me not being good enough. What i do isnt enyoyable or as good as porn...
     
  8. My wife @ccrowegreen felt the same way or similar.

    Both of you have to get in the moment and enjoy it whatever the quality. BOTH of you have to realize and understand that those effects are what he has done to himself not because he doesnt want you in that moment.

    It will get better but he has to own that fault and you have to own that its not your fault
     
  9. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    It really matters how you define "good."

    An apple might say it can never be as good as a candy bar. It is sweet, but not *that* sweet. It is good to eat, but not *that* good. It is pleasing to the eye, but it lacks the fancy wrapper, and it has never sported a bar code. How can it possibly live up to the standard set by the candy bar?

    But the candy bar is really poison. It rots the teeth and sours the stomach of the one who consumes it. It does not fill or nourish the consumer in any real way. After they have one, they immediately want another. It is almost as if they did not have anything at all! It inflames the appetite but does not satisfy it. Instead, it only causes the appetite to grow and grow, out of all proportion with what is healthy and helpful. Instead of serving the role that food is intended to fulfill, it does the opposite. It is *anti*-food. It masquerades as good, tricking the senses, but is in fact very, very bad.

    The humble apple, though, is the real deal. It cleanses the teeth and the breath as it is eaten. It fills and nourishes the consumer and leaves them satisfied when complete. It sates the appetite, nullifying it completely. It is real food, fit for the stomach, and effective in quelling hunger. It does not seem as grand as the candy bar, but, unlike it, the apple does not need to pretend to be something it is not. It is a delight to the senses, albeit subtle and understated. It is real food. It is *good*!

    Which would you rather be? A good candy bar? Or a good apple?
     
  10. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I like the description of a beaten and broken horse, it fits what im feeling so well. And something i wish desperatly my partner would understand, how drained i am even before a workday has started. How i lack yoy and entusiasm for things i normaly like. How life just seem like an endless marathon with someone running behind me trying to make me fall.
     
  11. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Yes...that’s exactly what happens. I stayed because I felt I was going to love and support my PA. I self-scarified, and put his needs first. I wanted him to feel good about himself. I didn’t know this addiction even existed..so when the behaviour came to light! I went into complete and total shock. It’s overwhelming to say the least.
    You must take back your power, don’t give up on yourself. As for the horse story, I told that story to my PA, and he said, with a slight smirk on his face, “ hey that’s what I do to you”. He exactly what he was doing all along...I was just his puppet.
     
  12. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    What an awfull thing to say, i mean even if its true there are things you simply do not say. Like last night talking to my partner he said he wasnt as affected by the relapses becouse he didnt feel guilty about doing it behind my back. And this was during the time when he was pmoing with me sleeping in the same room. The amount of disrespect in that statement was chocking, like you can lie about pretty much everything but not about feeling some remorse about doing that...

    For the exhaustion part, i cant help but to say again that i wished that he understood how much it takes to live during these condition. And on top of that im pregnant and got 12 hours workdays. But he think thats fine and had the guts to tell me that i should do more housework. It should be even... well he works like 4-5 hours a day maybe 3 days a week. I so wanted to say fuck you, when we have an even amount of worktime we can talk about splitting the housework even.
     
  13. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    This is so true and so important.

    I started here on NoFap about six months before my wife found everything out. I think that made a big difference in how she reacted - I was able to show her my journal on here and my correspondence with AP's and others. She knew I was serious about stopping.

    In my personal experience, and in talking to people on here, I have found that those PA's who are most successful are the ones who set boundaries for themselves and who regularly report in on how they are doing. The reason why I have accountability software on my phone is because I wanted to put it on there. If it was forced on me I doubt it would do much good, I'd just find a way around it. But because it's a support for me in my recovery rather than a tool for somebody else to try to reform me, it works.

    It is painful and humiliating to admit to struggling or to a relapse, but it is both essential and healing.

    Like I said before, the only way that a PA is going to get over this is if they commit to do it for themselves - not for their SO, their children or for anybody else. It has to be something they want for their own sake.
     
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  14. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I feel that my partner isnt there at all yet, he doesnt do this go change himself and his life. When we talk about this he says that he lacks the willpower to do it for himself, so hes doing it for me. And i have tried to tell him more or less what you just said. That it wont work that way, you have to want it and find a path to it that works for you. Hopefully he will realize this before its to late.
     
  15. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So another relapse last night, but he told me about it himself. And i would say that its a good thing, apart from the fact that i knew this was coming and told him that if i come home and find porn again i wont be coming home before my contract ends in 8 weeks. And i dont know if that was the best treath to throw out there but i was so fed up with things.

    Right now I dont feel anything regarding hes relapse, like completly nothing. No anger, sadness just nothing. I dont know if it is becouse i knew it was gona happen or if it is becouse he told me and didnt leave me in suspense for days/weeks. But it doesnt feel good feeling nothing, i should be feeling something. Right?
     
  16. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Well, actually for me feeling nothing was the beginning of emotional detachment. My PA told people he was working on recovery for himself and the relationship. I told him, take me out of the equation and do it for yourself. When desire for PMO, or any other proclivity reared it’s head...he could maintain sobriety for a short period, but I paid the price. He would become angry, resentful and mean. He would look at me with contempt. I took his toys away. I think (guessing)part of the attraction to porn etc..is the sneaking and possibility of getting caught. I don’t know just a guess.
    Just please trust your intuition.
     
  17. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I dont know if it is detatchment or not, atm it feels more like psycological exhaustion. It has been so much lately, without an end or a break. I feel like im emotionaly still dealing with things that happend in april. Or thats perhaps when i stoped dealing and just shut down.

    I also saw this relapse coming way before it happend, but there is no point in telling my partner. Specially since he picked a fight the night before the relapse, a pretty common thing for him to do. I think its so he can push me away and give space to the addiction
     
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  18. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i woke up today with a huge lump of anxtseity in my chest today, thats usually a sign of a relapse or something like that. All of my instincts is screaming that something is wrong.

    He however says he hasnt done anything and that he isnt lying. But i cant trust any of it. I just get more anxiety for what im gona find next time i go home. I cant take any more of that, being lied to time and time again only to litterary stare the ugly truth in the face.

    I have caught him so many times that i know all of hes preferences, favorite actors and production companies. And i just feel like i shoudlnt have to know that or see it. Does girls haunt me, somedays they are all i can see in my mind.
     
  19. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    You are correct..mine did the same thing, come here-get away. Ya I agree emotional exhaustion. I’m still dealing with that. It’s like they want to be close but are afraid to, so in order to feel better and get rid of the anxiety they create situations.
    Just always trust yourself.
     
  20. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i have read some here on nofap about SO:s that have taken a step back to let there partner handle there addiction themself. And i sort of like that idea, part from a few aspects.

    First of all some practical things for me, i want to be able to move freely in the house without worrying about seeing him do things. And right now the computer is sort of placed at a central place in the house. So i cant for an example go to the bedroom without passing the computer. Should i make him move while he works on things?

    I would also like to be able to use the computer, becouse we only got one. Normaly i can manage without it, but when needed i would still wana be able to use it without feeling fear for whats on it.

    But the main reason why its hard to step back is my partner, he sort of keeps me in it no mather how i feel about it. And me not wanting to be a part is not acceptabel becouse then i dont care etc. But its not about not caring, its about caring for myself first. I cant seem to explain it in a way that works, either he needs me or he guilts me about wanting to leave becouse i dont show emotions. Like my lack of reaction about the last relapse. But how can you expect someone to be heartbroken everytime and be deeply involved in something that is so painfull and hard to deal with?
     
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