Overcame sexual anxiety and had real sex today after just 13 days no PMO!

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Ornstein, May 18, 2018.

  1. Ornstein

    Ornstein Fapstronaut

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    Hey Fapstronauts,

    Just a disclaimer I have completed a 90 days PMO free around 6 months ago but on this cycle I am on just day 13 after a long period of relapse. Just clearing this up so that I can post in this forum, bearing in mind that I feel like my streak is just on 13 days hence the title. :) I am 18 years old (for reference).

    Just wanted to share my story and hope it'll show anyone worrying about sexual anxiety that they will see real progress after even just a small streak such as two weeks.

    Now I'm not sure just how heavily PIED is affecting me as it's possible that it's solely anxiety causing me to not maintain an erection, but I know for sure that for around 80% of my past sexual experiences I have not been able to stay hard. My heart starts racing and I feel all cramped up in my stomach, all symptoms of sexual performance anxiety. Now initially I didn't feel these symptoms but after each failed attempt at sexual intercourse (due to unrealistic expectations derived from over 6 years of constant porn use) the panic and worry built up until I was experiencing them every time I had the opportunity and dreading sex when it was on the cards.

    Now with my new partner, the first time we had the chance to have sex I completely bottled it, couldn't get hard for even a second, despite finding my partner extremely desirable. This devastated my confidence and I started to worry whether I found said partner attractive and that maybe I had my whole sexual orientation wrong(!!!). So with panic on my mind I decided to start a no PM streak and speak to a doctor. Of course the doctor told me there was nothing wrong physically and that the problem was in my head, as I am prone to being a serial overthinker and worrier. I threw myself into my no PM streak and heeded her advice: to tell my partner that I was struggling and ask that next time (which was today) we do nothing but bond and relax.

    Fast forward to this morning I was extremely worried and feeling sick to my stomach with anxiety, that I was going to embarass myself in front of my new partner. Though it was hard and took me a few minutes to build up the confidence I explained that I was sorry but that I didn't want to do anything more than kiss today and of course they were fine and supportive about it.

    It was incredible. It was as if a weight was lifted from my shoulders and all the panic and worry about having to perform was gone. Without sounding too controlling I did feel as if I was at the wheel of this and wouldn't have to perform or do anything outwith my comfort zone. And yet all of a sudden I was kissing my partner and suddenly rock hard downstairs, utterly unchained from my self inflicted anxiety. And I was able to perform everything I wanted to do, which in the end was more than just kissing but it felt safe and anxiety free because I was in control and not expected to perform some superhuman porn fantasy feat. My confidence surged and here I am writing this to prove it.

    Sorry for the long story but my point is that as soon as I removed the uncertainty over what I was expected to do with my partner, and allowed myself some control over how I was feeling, my sexual performance anxiety disappeared and I felt safe and relaxed. I felt that my 13 day streak had allowed me to build up my sexual desire and channel it into a real encounter, and already despite early days of the streak i felt the effects of unrealistic porn expectations beginning the process of slipping away.

    I know this is more of an anxiety success story than a PIED or DE story, but I really feel that anxiety may be what many people are suffering and do not know it, as well as the effects of porn which I believe has had a serious detrimental effect on my perception of intimacy.

    So today I started the process of breaking a brutal cycle of shame and anxiety and I owe it to professional help and the beginnings of a porn free lifestyle, which I know everyone will benefit from.

    Thanks :) if you have any questions feel free to ask me here.
     
  2. treborn

    treborn Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your story, but since I have a not perfect English we say I did not understand if you finally managed to have sex ... and in case you managed to have sex it seems that you managed to do it by venting your disturbing thoughts to your partner , and not thanks to the nofap or am I wrong?
     
  3. Ornstein

    Ornstein Fapstronaut

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    i did manage yes :)
    And while I think dealing with the anxiety surrounding the experience was the main source of progress I do think that the nofap helped me be confident and increase my awareness of true human touch and not just audio or picture porn. So in answer I think that nofap did absolutely help by toning down my fear of not being good like the actors in pornos and made me feel ready for sex because I had a healthy buildup of sexual energy.
    If anything is still unclear please let me know and I'll be happy to make it clear. :)
     
  4. outwithold

    outwithold Fapstronaut

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    I think a lot of issues your speaking of can be put down to wanting to control everything in life,our mind can play tricks on us when we pressurise ourselves. Overall the key would be to accept whatever occurs and not feel the need to second guess peoples response if we think we have failed.
    Its great to learn healthy coping techniques for when things don't go the way we want them too, which can happen a lot in life if we try to control everything.
    Its great you've found someone that seems to genuinely like you and wants to work with you, time to relax and enjoy and give this person in your life the upmost respect for working with you.

    Just to say its a typical ego defense mechanism, when you mentioned you thought it was partners fault and she wasn't attractive enough! Its like oh I feel uncomfortable, oh I've failed... No i haven't it was her fault! Beware of that
    ego brother, we all have to.
     
  5. Wingspan2000

    Wingspan2000 New Fapstronaut

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    Hey threadstarter,

    I am in the same exact boat. I couldnt get an erection while me and my partner were making out and I can clearly tell she was ready.

    I feel so bad at disappointing her. And I was wondering bout what is wrong with me.

    I used to watch porn every day and now is on my 4th day of nofap. I hope I can cure this by the 10th day when she comes back.
     
    Ornstein likes this.
  6. outwithold

    outwithold Fapstronaut

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    Its amazing how we seem to have these 'failures' in life and instead of look at ourselves with an understanding and kindness of our current situation we wack a massive load more pressure on the situation which isn't going to help.
    Its best to realise that the world isn't going to end because of this, you can explain things to your partner say maybe your struggling with some issues and your minds a bit preoccupied.
    You need to try and find ways to change your mentality, ie the way you pressurise yourself when you actually need to seek help for yourself and you should actually be kind to yourself.
    Also id suggest your being quite self centred about this, why not take it as a chance to not keep thinking of your penis and to actually put your partner first, give her pleasure how ever you can, sex isn't just about yourself.it feel like your going to forget about your partner and because you are having troubles its all about you, make it genuinely all about her.
     
  7. Ornstein

    Ornstein Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the reply Outwithold! It's good to speak about things like this I know I benefit from good words of advice like these so thank you. Yes I think I do struggle with not having a plan when I do things, which is maybe why sex sometimes intimidates me if I don't see a goal to work towards. However being relaxed and 'going with the flow' is what it's all about so I'll just have to get used to that.

    Just in respect to the last part about ego defence mechanism I agree that I'm definitely guilty of that in some respect but at the same time in this instance I wasn't exactly doubting my partners attractiveness but rather my response to said attractiveness as I'm yet to find out properly my sexuality. My partner was very attractive which my brain knew and yet downstairs seemed just immobile
     
  8. Ornstein

    Ornstein Fapstronaut

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    I agree with much of what Outwithold just said, and one way to make huge progress I have found is to just be honest about it. From my experience it is waaaaay less of an issue to them than it is in our heads. Take that honesty and use it to relax in the knowledge that there isn't any pressure on you to perform and channel your passion into stimulating your partner who will be appreciative of the attention :)
     
  9. Thank you very much for writing this @Ornstein !! I have the same problem and I didn't found much posts about sexual anxiety. So reading a success story really inspires me to keep on track and to have hope that I'll get better!
    Cheers :emoji_beers:
     
    Ornstein likes this.
  10. Ornstein

    Ornstein Fapstronaut

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    I’m glad I could inspire and give some hope. I’m restarting my no PM streak today so let’s do this together :)
     
  11. Congratulations. It sounds like things are looking up for you and your partner.
    Keep up the good work and staying away from PM, it will make things between you so much better.
     
  12. Happy to! Feel free to message me for any reason you need :)
     
  13. 8/2

    8/2 Fapstronaut

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    I'm in a similar boat too. I have the same feeling of anxiety in my stomach at "go time."

    I'm 37, married 13 years and suffering from PIED that's gotten progressively worse over time along with the sexual performance anxiety associated with mentally worrying about if I'm hard while inside my wife. I'm very new to NoFap. I'm on day four after relapsing after my first 8 days. (It was my first week of abstinence in more than 10 years, where i would pmo 4-8 times a week)

    I'm doing normal mode because I still want to be sexually active, but only with my wife. She knows everything about my addiction and is super supportive. She wasn't mad at me when I told her everything (she occasionally PMO too but maybe 1 a month at most, so porn has never been taboo in our relationship from day 1) She said she's is willing to do anything to help and told me she would be patient with me in my battle with PMO.

    Tonight we had really intense, long foreplay session (I love to please her, especially orally, so I try to make sure she gets at least one O before even initiating sex), but I lost my erection about 3 minutes into sex. Got in my own head again. Usually that ruins me for the night and I can't get an erection again. Tonight after I went limp I was able to relax, she told me it was OK, and we began to make out again, I got a strong erection and eventually she finished me orally and it felt great. This is a big step for me because I it's the first time I've been able to finish (or even cone close) without my own hand for a couple months.

    My journey is just beginning, but I already feel better about where I am. I find that I'm already making better eye contact with my wife, i am making a conscious effort not to ogle random other women, and have slightly more energy at work and home. I'm spending my free time off the Internet and finally learning to play the guitar that's been collecting dust in my closet as a healthy distraction from my addiction. I'm trying to change my poor diet and eventually begin exercising to look and feel better. And I recently find myself getting aroused again in the morning just by cuddling and smelling my wife's hair/perfume. It's been a long time since that's happened.

    Sorry for the long post but reading about other people's success stories, relapse stories and shared experiences similar to mine has been informative and inspiring for me. Thank you all.
     
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