POCD, Dangers of teen porn

Trigger Warning*

For starters, I’m a 23 year old heterosexual male, born in the year 2000.

Unfortunately, I’m writing this after a relapse to “teen/tiny/petite porn”. The guilt and shame sparked me to speak on this.

^ (Edit: This happened again, ending: @11:52am on Aug 21, after a series of multiple consecutive extreme anxiety+arousing binge relapses in the span of less than a day.

Then again on Aug 28th, middle of the night x1 pmo session. Started with 10 min softcore+bits of hardcore images on google of pornstar names, but that seeking that ended up with full on 5 min hardcore on that same fucked up website I’ve mentioned many many times, always the same one. After 7 days clean :/ Not gonna let that bring me down. Gonna keep moving forward and striving towards freedom.

What I’m about to say can be said for any type of porn source/website really. Whether it’s user submitted, or through popular mainstream companies and online services ie: onlyfans, reddit. Age verification on those sites can easily be bypassed, manipulated, and lied. Fake ID’s are also a thing which have been used by mainstream production companies who have been found guilty of child sexual abuse. There was this one instance where it turns out a girl involved was actually 15 years old only, and had done sexual acts with someone double her age, the fuck…

Basically, minors under the age of 18 are being sexually exploited, abused and taken advantage of.

There is an almost 100% chance that in all your years of viewing pornography, you’ve stumbled upon underage child sexual abuse material involving an individual(s) who’s under the age of 18. There’s research to prove these claims, and I’d be willing to drop those links here for anyone interested in viewing.

On to the topic of that one huge vast database hardcore website I keep returning to, but hope not to ever again. That website is fucked. I’ve mentioned it so many times that I do not believe it’s moderated. And since it’s a website that has “professional” videos/amateur/ user submitted videos sourced from many many websites, there’s a 100% chance that I’ve unintentionally,(ocd saying/making me feel I did it intentionally with enjoyment even though I did not, and would never!) seen minors (anyone under 18) being sexually abused, exploited and taken advantage of. Some of those videos could also be posted without their consent, because of: revenge porn, humiliation tactics, data/phone leaks, rape tapes.

I especially know that about european/thailand/asia videos because little girls are sold into prostitution over there, and anyone can record a video and post it. So who checks their Id’s? who actually knows when they were born?

And don’t get me started on those european videos. Apparently the “age of consent” is 16 in some countries, and I guarantee some of those anxiety inducing thumbnails of girls
who were way way way too petite and uncomfortably to see small, were definitely underage…

Browsing and seeking explicit content, it puts one in arousal mode, but then when anxiety is thrown into the mix, and then intrusive thoughts, you lose track of what’s real, what’s actually turning you on, and you panic from the confusion. It’s like your pain and pleasure centers are being inverted and reversed non-stop. Anxiety + Arousal at the same time = Deadly, scary, and destructive

I never watch those possibly clearly pedophilic material, but sometimes when scrolling I know there’s a chance I might see something scary, and I try to avoid it, but since I’m hyper aware and focused, pocd will try to say that I’m looking for it, even though I know I’m not but still aware that any second it might be there in front of me. It’s like I dont want to see any of that stuff at all, but it’s like I’m looking for it so I can scroll away from it, and hoping I don’t see it, but still looking for it. Full transparency, I have seen and pmo’d to somewhat questionable material(s) that I hope was not of anyone underage, and there’s no way for me to confirm their age, or get assurance. Regardless I know what I did is risky, destructive to my health in every aspect, and downright selfish. Sure it felt sexually arousing, sure there were some attractive qualities of the women involved, but it’s scary to think that I could have ever gotten off to anyone underage, that disgusts me, and I feel I could never live with myself If I knew I contributed to something so heinous, satanic and evil.

This is a destructive unnatural path that porn has been pushing me towards, and I need to stop and rehabilitate now before it destroys me. It feels like my heart, energetic body, soul and purity has been clouded by a veil of darkness, slowly corrupting me til I can’t recognize myself, my values, beliefs, and desires, altering my perception in the process, doubting everything.

Back to the topic about images/videos of girls that looked 100% underage. Thumbnails I’ve seen, but never masturbated to them I’m pretty sure…(ocd is a doubting disease), never watched them, never clicked on them. If i feel it’s fucked, I’ll scroll away, but scroll back up only revealing the title or watermark in the video to confirm if it could possibly be someone underage or not. If there’s a casting/production/mainstream company involved I’ll feel somewhat relieved, but if it says tiny teen, girl, young, barely 18 etc then I’m like tf wtf tf wtf, nononono

it’s creepy when you think about it. They exaggerate the youthfulness of the women in an almost pedophilic way. Yes the women involved look very attractive, cute, beautiful, but a lot of them actually look way younger than they are, and the porn industry exploits that and capitalizes off of it. A couple things they do which are creepy are: Making the girls wear clothes that no adults really wear, focusing on pigtails, braces, creating predatory scenarios, etc.

Research, and personal accounts/experiences from many people including me unfortunately… also indicates and proves that the teen porn genre leads to the sexualization of teenagers/young girls in the real world.. legal and underage. There are only 2 “legal” teenage years. Those are 19, and 18, but in the real world there are teenagers who are under 18… I’m not gonna more into detail because you already know how fucked this sounds. Porn is toxic

Side note:
Pure-O Subtypes and description of mental issues I’m experiencing (Self-Diagnosed btw): POCD, HOCD, Intrusive thoughts, Unwanted feelings/sensations, groinal responses, Distorted perceptions, False motivations and False desires

Helpful video by Dr. Trish Leigh:

 

^ Exactly this! @Believe2Achieve

This is gonna be long and all over the place.
If you sense hostility or aggression in this message, it’s not personal, please understand that @Devilinme2

With all due respect there’s a lot of “rationalizing” and “explanations” here because of ocd, and #1 this genre is actually very toxic, degrading, and very concerning… Personally for me it worsens the pocd I’m experiencing, and fuels intrusive/unwanted thoughts/feelings. As a result for the whole collective, I believe it creates unhealthy fantasies, perspectives, and mindsets, where the consequences can/will show up in the real world, instead of just pornography.

I’m not sure if you are fully aware of this, but there is an evil immoral, sinister satanic agenda out there to “normalize pedophilia”. Pornography + sexual media is playing one of the biggest roles in that. No conspiracies, it’s literally in everyone’s faces and cannot be unseen once seen. I digress.

Teen porn is literally a step away from underage… It’s not something entirely innocent. If you’re a teen, then I can understand, but as we get older and older if that content is still being consumed, you’re literally hard wiring and conditioning yourself to being exclusively aroused by teenagers only, which will affect your life, and relationships in negative ways.

Finding a young woman attractive that’s idk petite or whatever, is absolutely natural, okay, and nothing to be ashamed of. BUT then when you see those type of girl’s portrayed in pornographic/sexual ways relating to that toxic industry - specifically when wearing children’s type clothes, exaggerated childish portrayals/behaviours, have braces, pig tails, plushies/teddy bears, childlike voice, step-daughter scenarios, incest scenarios, school scenarios, blackmail, unusually tiny bodies, predatory scenarios, then those are all clear fucked up red flags. Don’t those things ever urk you? Don’t you ever question it? Does it not cause anxiety and make you feel uncomfortable to be even the slightest bit “aroused” by those things? Don’t you want to avoid those type of things?

Yes there’s the arousal from seeing a female in sexual contexts I get that, but there’s also the dangerous downside which is the shock factor, forbidden, tabooness, and all that…. there’s literally no healthy reason I can think of, which can possibly justify those specific things isolated I mentioned above. How, and why would those things be deemed as “natural attractions” (aside from the female herself), and how/why could those things be embraced as harmless innocent “fantasies”. At least that’s just my opinion, and you’re free to have your own of course. Free will is to be respected and honoured, and I’m not trying impose anything onto you. You’re doing what you feel is acceptable, and right for you, just we all us are.

Just for clarification, I’m somewhat young myself, and feel that it’s natural to be attracted to girls as young as 18, and so I am. Hence the reason why I’ve watched teen porn before, and been hypnotized by some of the natural beauty and cuteness of those women. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, although it has led to guilt, shame, and anxiety from the fact that many of them did look too young, felt taboo, they were small, and that itself was enough make me snap out of it, to keep continuing on working on getting my shit together, and leave it at that before it destroys+harms me any further. Now despite admitting all of that, It doesn’t mean that I’d actually feel comfortable engaging or initiating anything with someone that young in real life. Everyone has their own preferences, and in my opinion, about 20 years old (3 years younger than me) would seem to be the minimum I’d be okay with. Anything younger feels out of my comfort zone.

@Devilinme2 Based off your account profile/older post history I can understand and see that you’ve also ventured into some concerning areas that obviously have caused you enough torment to the point where you made specific threads about them. I’m NOT telling you what to do, how to live, what’s “right or wrong” or who to like, just using my thread to address freely. Although, I do wanna hear your thoughts on something, not shaming in any way. Don’t you believe that someone being almost 60 years old and having an exclusive fixation on barely 18 year old girls could be seen as risky territory, not very realistic, and not that appropriate due to the vast age gap. Bear in mind, not once did I say it’s “wrong” to be attracted to them, I wanna emphasize the term “fixation” here. Sounds like it could be a fetish for you, or close to even borderline paraphilia.

To each their own but imo just because something is “legal”, that doesn’t make it 100% appropriate, healthy, or “moral/righteous” for a lack of a better term. Legality in this context, basically creates a bare minimum, a line that’s not to be crossed, and so people know not to fuck up. It just is, and no questions about that.
Think about it like this, if in some type of even more fucked up world, that type of “law” was to change to something lower (god forbid) then would people justify their creep behaviours and start to perv on even younger girls? Would you yourself then lower the age criteria of the material you seek? Just a food for thought, rhetorical question.

Here’s one of the main things I wanted to say to you. Based off your last line, I’m pretty sure you haven’t directly experienced, or really understood other’s personal cases of Pure-ocd, specifically subtypes like pocd and hocd. Hopefully after this post you will, and if you don’t that’s cool too.

I think you genuinely meant well with no ill-will or troll intentions, but a comment like “If you want to fix yourself… start by being truthful to yourself” can be misinterpreted and misconstrued by many (especially ocd sufferers like me).

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This feels like it’s turning into more of an ocd reassurance/compulsion post but I’ll carry on. Feel free to continue reading if you wish.
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I may be overthinking it, but what It seemed like you could’ve been implying is that I’m not being truthful with myself? and in doing so it could’ve been taken as accusing someone of lying, or being in denial etc. Me personally upon reading, I was like tf, what’s this guy trying to say? It led to loops of confusion and panic, doubting, overnight and when I got up, anxiety was in full blast, ruminating, obsessing, doing mental reviews, and I was annoyed. On a side note I’ve seen comments like that made by lgbt members towards hocd sufferers and believe me it was counter-productive and not good.

Yes in life there are some “tough pills to swallow” but sayings similar things along those lines to someone’s who’s dealt/dealing with Pocd/Hocd/any other ocd type, is not not helpful at all, and is unwelcome.
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My POCD experience(s):

Below here, I’ll provide some more details about the pocd side of things, and why I’ll never accept those things themselves to mean something naturally innate or deeper about me. In regards to “you like what you like”, yes to many things and absolutely fuck no to some things. There is such a thing as false attraction and false desires/feelings and bro it’s absolutey horrible and scary… It can be so debilitating at times where you just feel beaten down, and done with everything and want to get this lifetime over with already (not suicidal tho). Anyways, Just because you get a groinal response, or can tell if someone looks good (regardless of their gender or age) doesn’t automatically mean that’s something you like, desire, and would act upon. I know what causes distress for me, and I know that I’m being truthful with myself.
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No self-justifying, or rationalizing any creep behaviours here. Full transparency, from a visual/observational perspective, many teenagers that are under 18 look similar to adults. Pretty sure their bodies just develop more maturely and quickly than average idk. Some just look good/cute/pretty and may have what could be seen as “attractive or nice qualities”. It just means I have eyes and that’s all. I would never do anything about it, and don’t have any intentions to ever… Although, the main feeling in all of those situations which arises is anxiety, so maybe because of that my judgement may be clouded and confusing.
It’s hard to always tell what’s what and what isn’t, and how I feel about things or don’t, but truly I really do deep down know,ocd will just make me doubt that and myself, hence the reason for this long ass post expressing that in detail.
I can agree with those comments I just mentioned, it did feel fucking uncomfortable and weird to type, I’m hesitating to post it… but will post it anyways
^ To make it clear for others who may get the wrong idea: I do acknowledge that those teens are not adults yet (they’re under 18). It is NOT in my intentions/being to: speak/touch them inappropriately, to desire sexual experiences with them, to date them, to engage romantically with them, or to fantasize about them.

Onto the more horrifying and hell-hole side of pocd…Of people way younger than 18…

^ I’m absolutely NOT a danger or harm to any children around me, and never would be, but I still get weird, ego-dystonic intrusive thoughts around them, some which say I looked inappropriately when I didn’t, then I doubt my own memories, intentions, and motivations, do compulsions, and when one with ocd is confused, it’ll start to add it’s own details which then fit with the subtype one is experiencing, leading to more distress, which leads to crippling anxiety, and avoidance. This is what’s been going on lately.

I know from firsthand experience that teen porn has caused me to sexualize real young girls in the real world. Because of POCD i had to dissect the thought process which leads to these loops. It basically starts off with associating their clothes (short shorts, yoga pant materials, skin revealing attire, which highlights their body parts resulting in what seems like “sexual arousal” but not really. It’s more so just knowing that they’re a female, mixed in with over sexualizing and objectifying of almost all females, and overpowering anxiety, which is the strongest feeling in those scenarios. This has happened while looking at girls who could be under 18 and even definitely to girls who 100% were literally very young, 95% of them in highschool still. It’s false attraction because I know I’m only truly attracted to women who are 18+. Anything younger and it’s an instant wtf wtf, ugh nope, no no no, no thanks, that girl looks way too young, I’m not interested, and I’ll move on about it. It’s worse when I check them out first and then realize that they’re probably not an adult… And then there’s been times where I’ve done the checking out afterwards as like a compulsion, and that’s what’s felt the most destructive, disgusting, creepy, painful, and anxiety inducing

Funny how before I didn’t have many issues/ruminations like this and knew I could brush it off and not feed it further. For a long time it was only HOCD, then it bounced to POCD, sometimes alternated back and forth, and right now it’s both constantly at the same time. Fuck.

I hope this whole message itself will give you a little more insight into the mind of what a person with Pure-O is dealing with.

 

Here’s an example of a POCD type loop I had earlier:

Today while working, I saw an asian girl/woman who I think I found attractive. I didn’t really look at her properly, and only noticed her lower body from the side & back to be honest. Was trying to avoid checking her out. But, I did see she was wearing black yoga pants, had her hair done, was wearing make up, she was short, and her butt was very very visible/profound through her pants, especially because of the material.

She was tip-toeing trying look behind the monitor demos, and she looked cute doing it.

I tried not looking her way, and was avoiding looking at her properly (checking out), because of the fear she might be under 18.

Based off the way she looks and her demeanour I’m pretty sure that I knew she had to have been over 18 lol, hence the reason I did end looking from the corner of my eye, and kept wanting to look at her again (objectifying, and sexualizing I think, instead of just admiring someone’s natural beauty.

Afterwards, I was in the warehouse, having a conversation with someone else, and I looked in the direction of the door window where those monitors are, thinking I can get a better look at her.

One things for sure is that she was not a kid, so 100% I’m not a pedo (Reassurance comment)

What if she wasn’t an adult tho? Today’s a Sunday so no school , and high schoolers have summer break. So there could be a possibility that she indeed was a highschooler?. I hope the fuck not. These type of things are distressing to think about, but are logical and need to be acknowledged.

It seems like the anxiety/pocd hits often when I don’t know a girls exact age, and she’s someone who looks good in any way. Those 2 combined in a situation together feel scary. I’ve noticed that the girls I’m looking at could be 20, 21, 22, 23, 24+ and I would probably still have the anxiety, intrusive thoughts, because in my head, the intrusive thoughts have already deemed them to possibly be under 18, and then I’ll feel like a creep for even thinking that way.

I feel so fucked up, ungrounded, and always on edge lately. This feels like misery lol. Constant doubting, questioning, anxiety, ruminating, yada yada yada.