Possible cheating fantasy threatening my relationship *trigger warning*

Yes! You can love him and be supportive even if you don’t trust him. He has damaged the trust, now he has to prove he can be trust worthy.

 

And what is he doing when you aren’t around? With you there, he could just be using sex with you while playing porn reels in his mind. Not fun to think about, but a reality with porn addicts. If he’s been clean 2 years, then those fantasies should have all but disappeared.unless you really believe that’s just who he is, if so do you really want to continue? I know that just at 6 months clean my husbands fantasy life was almost non existent ( he still struggles today but they are far less and vanilla compared to porn). What is your boyfriend doing for recovery and to maintain sobriety, especially when you’re not around?

 

Hello, I struggle with cuckold fantasies and my trouble are probably very similar to your boyfriend. Hopefully I can help if only by saying that your post is amazingly insightful and that your boyfriend is extremely insecure.
I'll spare you the long version of my story the first girl I fell in love with left me for a more experienced man (boy), my next girlfriend did have sex with other men (I later found out), I was bullied and struggled to fit in and two different roommates (and best friends) ended up dating the girl that they knew I liked (almost as if to be like a big brother and show me that it's not so hard) so I had to endure hearing about their sexual encounters if not actually being in the room trying to sleep while they were doing it.

Surely your boyfriend did not have the exact same experiences, but everything you described about him being so overly protective of you around other men appears to me as glaring examples of someone who is terrified of losing you and therefor jealous. Cuckold fantasies I believe are rooted in jealousy. He is so fearful of losing you to another man that it eats him up inside. At some point he crosses a line and feels those painful feelings while visually imagining you having sex with another man. He gets aroused. The arousal is that much more extreme because its driven by the feelings that he doesn't want to feel.

Cuckold porn can perhaps make this connection. It absolutely reinforces it. And if you've caught him with a little cuckold porn, it's guaranteed that he has looked at a whole hell of a lot more.

The cuckold fantasy gives him control. Thinking about losing you feels awful. Feeling inadequate feels awful. But sexualising those feelings allows him to feel incredible arousal. The more pain he feels, the stronger the allure of the fantasies.

That is why it is flaring up now. You have been physically separated for a long time. He's terrified that you will find another man. The more uncomfortable he feels, the more likely he is to go back to that cuckold fantasy. It has gotten so strong with him that he's probably thinking - if I can get her to cuckold me, then I'm in control and at least I can get off on it. If you just fall in love with another man and leave him, then he just hurts. As one of the others posted (I think it was Psalm27) . . . he's just turning you into his porn.

You suggested that it may be a "maladaptive coping strategy". It absolutely is.
You wondered if this is the real him. He's probably wondering the same thing. I have been cuckolded so many times that I wonder if maybe that's just who I am . . . an inadequate male that needs to accept the fact that more dominant males will have their way and that my partner will never be fully satisfied with me because I truly am sexually inferior.

You stated it beautifully. You have no desire to do any of this. He's conflicted and sick. He has an addiction. He needs help and he has a lot of work to do on himself. You can still love him, but be warned that he will probably get worse instead of better if he doesn't try go address his insecurities. Maybe therapy or 12-step will help him. Maybe some other life changing experience will change his trajectory. Maybe the two of you will be together again and his fantasies will die down . . . but they will always be lurking in the shadows, ready to emerge again when something makes him feel insecure unless he tries to find ways to heal.

At least . . . that's how it is with me. I have a lovely girlfriend who is probably very much like you. She loves me and has zero interest in having sex with another man. I have not looked at porn in many many months and I really try not to feed into the cuckold fantasies. Often times I feel just fine, but when I don't hear from her for a few hours or when she starts talking about some new guy at work or when something happens that reminds me of a previous unfaithful partner . . . or simply whenever a little bit of insecurity flares up within me those cuckold fantasies come back with a vengeance.

This is certainly possible, but not guaranteed. As mentioned above, I've had cuckold fantasies and even cuckold cravings come up in response to uncomfortable feelings (i.e. triggers) despite not having looked at porn in maybe 9 months. To be completely honest, all that porn is in my head anyway. It's all just one thought away.

 

I guess that I have never done it fully, as in living the whole fantasy, and I have never watched. I think that, in reality, men with these fantasies need to accept that neither their partner nor the other man are going to be terribly interested in being watched and also that the other man is not going to fit the porn-star image they have in mind.
About a decade ago, I briefly dated one woman who role-played the fantasy by telling me she had this guy (a well-endowed carpenter*) that she saw on occasion "just for the great sex" - I think I chose to believe her story in that moment and masturbated while she told me . . . then I broke down in tears. At the time, I thought it was very generous of her to do that for me and very healing. And, it was, but this fantasy has very, very deep roots.
Maybe a year later I dated a polyamorous woman who had a boyfriend, a lover and would also have one-night stands on occasion.

Spoiler: Trigger Warning

She would only let me give her oral sex.

That was maybe the closest I came to being in a cuckold relationship, but I wasn't the boyfriend. I really wanted to be her boyfriend.
I was single for years (and got into sexual recovery) and dated a co-worker. She broke up with me and went out the next day and had sex with some guy from AA. Then we got back together. At the time it hurt to find out about the other guy, it hurt a lot. But, in my sick mind, it also became a source of arousal.
My next partner would sleep with her ex about once a month . . . that one's a long story, but it didn't really fit the fantasy because we weren't really sexually compatible anyway and what we had was more like a deep friendship.
I have not tried it with my current girlfriend and I have not suggested any such thing. The cuckold fantasies are still there, though, and they really flare up from time to time when I feel insecure.

*My current girlfriend told me that I'm not at all like her previous boyfriends. She said they were all mostly "carpenter types"

Maybe another way to answer your question is to say that I tried (I really, really tried!) to turn my fantasy into a reality but my desperate desire just kept me single for years and maybe it would have just happened on its own if I had stopped chasing it.

Agreed. And it sounds like your boyfriend's fantasies are very much driven by his worst fears. For me, it's always been painful and scary. In my early relationships I was repeatedly rejected, cheated on and/or left for another man. My self esteem was abysmally low and I would compare myself to other men and determine that I must be inadequate somehow, not masculine enough, unloveable.

Aroused? Yes. Possibly extremely aroused. But isn't that just like an extreme version of porn? It is damaging in the long term to one's soul to go against their values and desires even if it gives them a big rush of arousal in short term. How clearly this fits the definition of addiction . . . A heroin addict will eventually determine that their drug is all that matters and they will chase that addiction until it kills them, destroying their life and chances for real happiness as they do so. It's not much different with a sexual fantasy if pursuing that fantasy goes against their own romantic values and desires.

I wonder this, too. In some cultures their is a "third gender", men who fill more feminine roles. Throughout history men have been cuckolded by other men. There are estimates that 1 in 10 babies born in the US were not sired by the father listed on the birth certificate. Some men make better boyfriends, husbands or fathers while some men make better lovers. And, it's not surprising that men with more testosterone, who are likely to be more muscular, better endowed, more competitive and more promiscuous, are apt to produce more offspring. Maybe that's just life and maybe my brain is wired this way so that I might take my place in the world as a "beta male".
Maybe all of that is true. But when it comes to having sexual fantasies about cuckolding and when someone starts encouraging their loving and faithful partner to turn this fantasy into reality . . . that is surely a symptom of porn/sex addiction and psychological trauma.

It is inconsistent. He's not thinking about your happiness or well being when he thinks about this. It's his sexual fantasy. He wants to watch because he wants to get his desires for arousal met. And he wants to be there because he wants that illusion of control. It's just a messed up way of him turning what he's most afraid of into something that he can at least get some sexual pleasure out of. If you are intimate with another man and he's not there what does he get? Nothing at all. He only loses. At least from the self centred perspective of his fantasy.

 

I'm normally an idealist but I cannot help being incredibly cynical when I read this thread.

That should have been enough to let him know how you feel about this plan. But

Were those fights enough to show him the strength of your feelings? No

So he seems to not want to listen to you or to be so wrapped up in his own desires that he doesn't care at all about your feelings. So how does he keep you hooked?

He sounds like a scary manipulative control freak.

Possessive too, he's a keeper isn't he?

He wants to own you and demonstrate absolute control over you, to the extent that eventually you will perform an act that you know will eat away at your soul. That's what he wants.

Who cares? Run.

And possibly his last, I don't think many women would put up with this.

If you were married at home with him and your kids then you would have a difficult decision to make. But your decision does not sound difficult to me.

Me too. But even if he has stopped he sounds like a dangerous man

Quelle surprise

I've experienced this too, I look back at how absent I was and it's horrible.

Phew. If you can follow through with that it sounds like you are finding your voice and your strength. How did he react? Let me guess, he opened up and showed you his vulnerable side?

WTAF

Read that back to yourself. Imagine a girlfriend tells you that about her boyfriend. What would you advise her to do? Do that.

I see what you mean: his porn use did not have any negative effects on the relationship apart from the pain and betrayal you felt.

I'm probably being too harsh, and lacking empathy, but this is a very scary thread. I may be utterly misreading him, but from what I read you are with a crazy nasty manipulative man and you are too kind-hearted to see that and get out of the abusive relationship you are stuck in. Please read back a few of the things you have written. Do you have close friends outside the forum who you can talk to (male or female)? I can say platitudes like 'you are worth a million of him' which are true, but I think it is daker than that. You need to get out.

 

Manipulative men are extremely good at making their relationships look picture perfect. He needs you to feel that this is your fault while he slowly takes over what little sense of control you have. Please leave him. He is never expressing unconditional love, he is manipulating you.

I do not think this has anything to do with addiction.

Funily enough I do have a lot of empathy (or at least I think of myself that way), but your story reads like the start of a dark thriller and I am scared for you.

 

Yes! I completely agree with you. No healthy loving, man would try and ask, pressure or encourage their love to do what he is asking. If you stay while he is still behaving this way, you will end up in a place you never thought you would go. I think @kropo82 has been the most empathetic and kind on this thread, as he has laid out the truth that most of us were too afraid to say and were hoping you would “ see” on your own.

 

That is very empathetic. Extremely true and it is like I am reading when I was dating my husband. It is not healthy or nor normally can be fixed.

 

It is not more valid, most of did not know it was even wrong at the time but it was off..... mine is not fixed and it took a lot of heartache to get where I am now. He sounds like a Narc but I am not a Dr.

 

Not all but many of us go through many relaspes, mental abuse....the list goes on.

 

Your not being judged, just getting feedback. Yes you do have feelings and special ones. That is what is being advised is to try not help you see a different view and help from future hurts.

 

All the so’s who have managed to fix and heal... 28 years of marriage, 33 years together, 3 children, 6 years of counseling and still going, and I consider my husband a mild case in comparison to the ones who are going to cam sites, sexting,affairs and hookers. I would not have stayed if it weren’t for my kids. Hell, he’s a year and a half into recovery and things are really good, but I struggle to stay, because this is for life. Very few people on here are over a year clean. Very few. Very few relationships heal completely. Besides ,

i wish that I had had someone to tell me that porn use was not normal. That it was an addiction which will escalate. I discovered “it” 23 years ago. He’s had varying degrees of sobriety. I consider myself extreme lucky because I’ve been married 28 years, together 33, knowing now how porn use escalates, I’m fortunate his porn addiction did not escalate into cam sites, escorts, or cheating. I consider his lying and gaslighting to be very abusive but he never blamed me, yelled or cursed etc. He is a year and a half clean, we have been through 6 years of counseling and still going. Very few men escape this. Very few men on here are over 5 years clean, heck very few over a year clean! I still do not know if I will stay. If he crosses my boundaries I will file for divorce. Where are all the fixed and healed so’s? Most of us have spent years trying to heal and are still in the process. I will never be the person I was before I married him. I will never remarry or be in a romantic relationship with a man again. I will never fully trust another man. That is the damage that has been done. My husband is an incredible man, and I’m really proud of who he is. I know he loves me above anything else on this earth, that didn’t stop him from deeply wounding me and damaging my brain! That didn’t stop him from missing out on so much of our children’s lives. Of course you’re invested! Unfortunately, he is not.