Hello everyone! I’ve been posting on NoFap since Nov/Dec 18, but today I’ve decided to start a journal. I didn’t originally think I needed to as I do not have any problems speaking with people and telling them what’s on my mind and seeking support and guidance. However, I’ve got to the stage where I may not need or like what they will tell me, so I think venting on here will give me the safe space I need now. My background.....was married for 11 years until Jan-17 when my DH passed away from a very short cancer journey of just 8 months. We have 2 wonderful children who are 12 & 10 now. In the Aug-17 I met someone online, this was my first experience of the new online dating etc having always been in long term relationships my whole adult life. Anyway, me and my now SO hit it off well and chatted nice and pleasantly whilst he was away on work detachment (military) for a whole month until we finally had our first date. Since our first date, we hit it off and our relationship flourished effortlessly. He was so kind, loving, attentive, attractive and everything else I could wish for .....I was on cloud 9 despite my journey with grief. After a few months I started to notice some stuff, stuff I wasn’t used to in my marriage. Looking back at my marriage I always thought we had a healthy intimate life as both of us would always be pleased and it was not massively regular but enough that it never went too long to create an issue. My DH was quite prudish and didn’t enjoy any type of innuendo or smut talk by anyone who was around him. He wasn’t uptight just not a fan. He wasn’t a ladies man either, he was happy with me and the kids and didn’t actually seem to spend any time lusting over or ogling other women. So for that, I felt very secure. I didn’t always feel as loved with affection as I do now as my new guy is much more open to public displays of affection whereas my DH wouldn’t ever want to hold my hand. I knew he loved me as his other actions showed me I was his world. I just always wished for more romance and affection. So along came this new guy, who showered me with love and affection. Coming back to my point I was trying to make, I had noticed he would take longer to finish and quite often not be able to without doing to manually to himself. As this approach became more frequent I started to worry. I looked up desensitisation as I feared he was so used to self soothing he wasn’t finding the sensitivity in the act with me to be enough to finish. Whilst he was away on a detachment in the Jan-18 I asked him to cut it right back, maybe restrict himself to maybe once a week to see if it helped. I didn’t at this point make any connections to the fact he would have to watch porn to MO. I was so naive to this fact at that point. Anyway, I don’t know if he actually did cut back but either way we didn’t actually get to the bottom of it. At one point he inferred that it was me. So I felt quite embarrassed and ashamed of my body that it was preventing him from this at times. I figured it was a positive sign of my affection and attraction to him. Moving on and in. Sep-18 he moves in with me and the kiddos. It’s at that point my gut was telling me he was using porn too frequently. I checked his history and could see he was looking most days. He’s never hid the fact he watches it so I can’t blame him about that. He didn’t however explain or recognise how much was in fact too much!!! After he moved in his libido dropped radically compared with mine....although in his defence mine was ridiculously high!! I was starting to see quite big red flags in his behaviour. He was looking at P or at how to use a sex toy or something erotic to get him ready to be intimate with me!!!!! D-Day for me was on my romantic 40th birthday trip away with him, he was avoiding the intimacy I think partly due to his condition and the pressure of rising to the occasion I had built up in my head. Anyway, the penny dropped for me when we were talking about boob jobs, as since meeting him and knowing how much he googled big boobs and loves them and his ex’s had large ones and blonde hair, I’ve become so paranoid and unsure of myself. Back to the point....he was talking about scars from them and started to google boob job scars in front of me...I knew at that moment what he was doing.....his ex had a boob job so if anyone would know what the scar looks like it would of been him!!!!! So following that I came accross the TED talk. I sent it to him and that was his D-Day!!! Since then we’ve or more like I’ve been trying to process it all, the hurt, the inadequacies I feel, the trauma of seeing what he’s looked for and the actual condition he has. It’s been a massive rollercoaster and the ride doesn’t seem to be ending anytime soon. At first I figured it would be a case of simply him abstaining like the others have and build up from there! Oh how wrong I was. I didn’t account for the very thing that breeds & feeds it and that’s the secrecy and lies. He downloaded the Victory app and read a few books I brought him, but by Xmas he was still unable to abstain when left alone. After installing covenant eyes and unlocking all technologies and starting some new good habits of leaving it all charging downstairs he started to resort to more desperate lengths to get his fix. So far that’s been Instagram, Gumtree, eBay, Etsy, TV Browser & the very worst ....videos and photos of his ex , that was the straw that broke my faith & hope! How could if he sunk so low to do such a personal thing to get his fix? How can I rationalise with crazy?!!!! Oh man it took me several days before I could begin to feel the dark cloud above me lift a bit and allow some light back in. In that time he was still acting out. So, that was a week ago today. Since then he’s had his 3rd appointment with his therapist (transactional analysis) and has said he has commenced his own journal on here. He has asked his BF to monitor his thread to make sure he updates it daily. We figured it would be a great way for him to start to develop the skill of verbalising his emotions in the hope he can learn to cope in ways without P. So I start my week again with a refreshed approach and some tiny glimmer of hope! I will end today’s thread by saying I know this is a super tough journey for anyone to endure and given my circs it’s def not ideal for me, but I do love him and without this addiction he is the guy I want to grow old with. However I am only human and I have to protect myself and kids from further pain so whilst he tries to get a grip on this, I’ve said our future planning is ‘on hold’ until it’s clear if we even need to. For now, it’s day by day. It’s the only part of this I can control. I am not religious but I pray he can overcome this as he is an amazing person who deserves a great life and I want to be the one he shares it with. In addition to this I’m going to log daily the positives I see around me and my family and life and appreciate them so I don’t allow my thoughts to go too low or just focus on the negatives.