Rocks....losing, living under & throwing....My Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Trigirl78, Feb 10, 2019.

  1. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    Well here we are just over two weeks in and from what he tells me he’s been clear of P and MO and he said he’s been journaling on here most days (Ffob2468) when his shift pattern allows.

    I feel so peaceful compared to just a few weeks ago. I am still concerned more about a relapse and lies more than any slip that I can expect.

    I keep finding myself imagining us without this massive hold over us one day it’s so inviting!!!

    I have actually been a little distracted with my brother and supporting him out of an abusive relationship but the funny thing is everything I’ve learned about this is helping me coach him. So it’s a mini win on that front. But just like my SO, he needs to stay firm with his boundaries of no contact and take it Day by day and only he can make this split final. So we shall see.

    The other positive this week was I managed a 6 mile run, it was so therapeutic running in the spring sunshine in our lovely countryside
     
  2. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    It’s been a few days and I haven’t been on here to journal but I have been chatting to another SO who found she is on a similar journey . I’ve not heard from her in a few days so hoping she is doing ok.

    I think today maybe about 24 days for my guy being P free, he doesn’t say PM Free so not sure where he is overall without M.

    24 days!!!! I actually cannot believe it, if it’s true. But for now I want to hope it is. Small steps but at least some welcomed break from it all none the less.

    So in my world things appear to be moving in the right direction. I have down days where I’m annoyed or low about having to even endure any of this but the rest of the time I’m fairly positive. I’ve seen my SO become a little more assertive lately which has taken me back at times as sometimes he will push back which I’m not as used to. I also don’t want to back down on discussions as much as I think I still hold some begrudgement, not lots but some.

    I’ve been seriously considering breast enlargement surgery but I don’t know if it’s to try and please him as he loves large boobs or for my own confidence....I guess time should tell and I should wait until I’m sure....or maybe get him to pay for them seeing as he has caused this...lol!

    He keeps bleeting on about his low libido. But tbh I’m thinking does he even know what a healthy libido is as he’s always used porn and inbetween it he’s had the desire to as he wouldn’t of seen his ex’s as much as me. I don’t think he has a benchmark to return to, I think it’s actually a brand new world he is entering....in the meantime my libido is benched and wasted leaving me feeling rejected at times.

    I know it’s not just what we are about, there should be more to us than just sex but I miss it, I miss being able to instigate it, I miss him desiring me, I miss him being ready for me without having to fantasise about me in an ensemble he saw in a shop window that day.

    Tomorrow I will be ok, today I’m just struggling with it all. I know he’s done amazingly and I’m so proud I really am.

    Porn addiction is like a cancer to the brain, I just hope he can zap it away.
     
  3. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    Hump Day......Today my SO is 27 days PM Free for the first time in his adult life.....or so I am led to believe :)

    We are in a very good place at the moment. The peace I feel knowing he isn't struggling daily is wonderful. However, I know this mountain climb is far from over. We still have big hills and many rapids to fight yet to feel this is under some control.

    Low hanging fruit/Good Habits We've Currently Introduced:
    • All technology monitored by CE Screen capturing.
    • PIN codes on all communal smart tvs (not on kids tvs)
    • Apps locked on Andriod phone for browsing.
    • iPad apps locked and CE browser app open
    • Facebook login from main laptop
    • Instagram a/c closed
    • All tech to be charged and maintained downstairs in communal area
    • SO to keep a daily journal
    • SO seeing counsellor weekly
    So these are a few things weve introduced....as well as research, self help books etc.

    The future challenges that lay ahead are:
    • Working away (up to 28 days at a time 2-3 times a year)
    • Introducing MO without detriment to our intimacy.
    • Day-to-day maintenance of abstaining from provocative stimuli.
    I've been thinking of what it is we are working towards....eg....what and how we would know if he has truly cracked it?? This is what I think....

    1. He can be left unmonitored and refrain from searching for, acting out or reacting to P stimuli.
    2. He can MO without use of P or PSub and not excessively to the detriment of our intimacy.

    Until these two can be met, we are still 'On Hold' in terms of our future. He isn't happy about this and doesn't agree or accept it, but he does need to know that I WILL NOT be second choice to anyone or anything SIMPLE!

    I'm so proud of his progression so far but he NEEDS to keep it up if he wants to keep his LIFE with me and the kiddos......speaking of which.......my daughter asked me yesterday who would be her legal guardian if I wasn't here.....whilst I want it to be him and ive told family I want it to be him....its just a stark reminder of although we are doing ok right now, if he doesn't keep the momentum going, its not just him and I that will lose out....:-( xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Have a great day xxxx
     
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2019
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  4. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    Day 28......I hate to say it but I am feeling so hopeful for the future now! I know I shouldn’t as it’s not been that long and he’s not been tested but just getting to the point of past a few days without giving in has given me some sort of hope!!!!!!

    30 days is Sat and I’m away overnight. I hope he doesn’t think on Day 30 it’s a good opportunity to celebrate in the only way he’s known how?!!! Please let’s hope not.

    I look at him the way I did before and I feel all of the lovely emotions I used to feel before this whole issue came to light. I’m scared for the slips coming our way but I hope they are few and far between and progress remains strong.

    Thankful Thursday...thankful for my loving family, my beautiful children, my friends, my health and the love of an amazing guy xxxxxx

    I know this can be short lived but for now I will enjoy it xxxx
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2019
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  5. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    30 DAYS!!!! As of yesterday he made it for the first time ever P & M FREE!!!!!

    Question we are all now left with.....now what?

    He’s talking about remaining P free but excited about the idea of bringing M back.....he’s thinking about how many times a week he would allow himself to ensure it doesn’t have a detrimental effect on our intimacy. He thinks up to 3 times a week max!!!! I am thinking that is too much to start with as he’s only 30 days in and his urges are still there so what if doing it so frequently gets boring and he has to reach for extra stimuli???

    I’m just worried as old habits die hard and so soon in I would of hoped he wouldn’t want to start M again until he was further down the line. Why was he so keen to M after day 30? It almost feels a bit ‘Dry January’ is over and he can get back to some of his old ways that he enjoys. I know it’s healthy but his excess of this has caused so many issues for us in terms of his libido being less than mine, his sensitivity not being as heightened as it should. So how can 30 days be enough?

    He’s also talking about the fantasising side of things and imagery like he wants to explore this more....I don’t know what he means by this yet I will need to ask him more. I feel like he’s talked himself into that his P addiction was about the videos and that’s what he needs to abstain from, but books and magazines aren’t bad?!!!! Sounds like a bit of justification......or a slippery slope.

    Honestly, if you were to ask me what I want from him? I would want him to not want to or need provocative stimuli in his life unless it’s from me or just unavoidable times where films or media force it. I want him to fantasise about me and nothing else. I know this is not realistic and I know I can’t control his mind, I just want a man that’s living in the present and thankful rather than daydreaming and fantasising about sexual gratification.

    I think the longer he refrains from stimuli the more the brain will rewire and takeaway his urge to satisfy the need. Or even have a need!
     
  6. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    Now what though? I cannot keep intervening and projecting my opinions and thoughts as that doesn’t work either.

    We did talk a bit earlier as I think M did occur today (day 31) but I didn’t like to ask for sure. Anyway we did talk a bit but seems though he doesn’t have a plan of ‘what next?’ Yet, so he needs to figure that out. I would of assumed he would of been assimilating it over he past 30 but that’s not generally how he operates in life so it doesn’t come natural. He says he sees the counsellor and straight after he puts in to one side and doesn’t think to much about it until he tries to regurgitate it back to me. So whilst the session happens he is engaged but not sure how much he taps into the learning day by day.

    I’ve left it with him for now to think more. I guess my thought is he is still to abstain from P and keep M to minimal: but what the frequency looks like is still unclear!

    Back to the unknown again! I am worried he will undo his hard work by not having a well thought out plan.
     
  7. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    I don’t think he is trying to manipulate me, as that’s not in his nature. I just don’t think he spends as much time thinking about it all like you said I do! That’s the difference between me and him on how we approach things in life.

    I guess this is all a process of discovery and he’s discovering himself and his limitations and I’m sure the hard way!

    I did agree to him bringing M back in as if that’s what he wants then I cannot stop him. I don’t agree with his thoughts on it being up to 3 x a week max. As I think that’s too much seeing as it could mean I am benched because of it!!!
     
  8. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    I agree with the ‘appertizer’ comment too as like you I feel it’s too early in his recovery to start introducing M back so frequently. I think no M was a boundary but then I took it out to give him the ability to decide whether he thought it was right or not as I don’t want him to feel bad about it or shame.....unless he abuses it and to the detriment of our intimacy.
     
  9. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    Ok so I may have got a little over excited and presumed the worst based on our chat yesterday. We did have a heated discussion yesterday about M and by the end of it he had admitted he hasn’t yet broken the M so 32 days today. I have asked him to abstain for longer whilst he works on his recovery and plan. He’s adamant he wants it back in his life and normalised without P, but for now I’ve asked him to hold off until he’s clearer.

    We do not seem to be able to have a discussion lately without him being uptight about it as and when I ask or suggest. In the beginning he wouldn’t get so emotional as he was guilty of hurting me, but lately as his conscience eases he becomes more frustrated and agitated by me and my input .

    He gets so upset that I seek refuge in this forum and quote what I have heard as he says I’m not using my own mind. I do have my mind but I also like to draw on people’s experiences to help guide me. He says they don’t know you and me, but I said addict behaviours are very similar. It’s true you only know what I put down here and quite often when we’ve had a discussion I get a little confused by it all as in a rationale world M is fine and so is P but not to an addict in their world. Sadly when you use to numb, you can no longer go back and recreationally indulge. It’s the same with alcohol etc.

    So, for now this morning he’s gone to work in a less than cheery mood (very unlike him) and I’m left feeling guilty for continuing to take a vested interest and strong input into his recovery.
     
  10. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    I get that this is his journey, but I am a casualty of this war and I need healing. The 30 days has given me much needed respite from the huge anxiety of trying to monitor and manage....its given me time off to focus on my health. I do feel he brings up how I react as a 'tarring me with the same brush' like he lumps together all of the reactions I've had as a 'this is how you 'ALWAYS' react/think etc....I don't think that is fair. Just like he has to understand it all, so do I. I feel I have been super understanding, supportive, helpful, rational & forgiving and on the flip side at times over involved, controlling, demanding etc. Sadly this subject is emotive and affects us both. I wished he would be more empathetic to my journey too.

    I don't want to see a counsellor separately as I don't want answers from them, I want them from him. His opinion, his ambition, his love is what I care about.

    My statement a few journal entries ago was that success looks like ....No P and M within reasonable amounts.........so I know I am trying to be empathetic to him and what he is giving up for us......which is why I am trying to not cut off all his avenues......a lot of you guys all on here say there isn't a place for M after recovery from PA.........does anyone think there is or can be???
     
  11. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    Hump Day again! #Day34 for my SO (if being honest)

    After the initial panic of M coming back following his 1st 30 days, I did my usual YOUTUBE panic researching....I went back and re-watched some videos from PornReboot with JK & Noah Church....on whether you can M in recovery. I have watched them before but as I have found with all of this, you can only retain some info and it helps to re-watch again.

    So that was yesterday's entertainment on my commute to work, I did send them onto him with the caveat of 'I know you wont thank me for this but these are helpful if you need them'. Last night he admitted he hadn't yet watched them, but he may. He really struggles with people online saying what NOT to do as he thinks its so individual. The messages are still helpful & thought provoking to help him make his own mind up.

    So me being me, I didn't just leave it at that, I then spent the best part of this morning working from home, but re listening to youtube and typing up key messages....just in case he would prefer it that way....arghhhhh I cannot help myself.

    In my defence it did help me draw clarity on why I DO NOT want him to consider M right now. SO that was a plus as when he pushes me my argument against it sounds so weak. So I have it ready for when the time is right to discuss again.

    He has his next therapist apt tomorrow but hes in in two minds of whether he should continue. I get that but I don't want him to be too hasty when he is so soon into his recovery. She is meant to specialise in PA but do far ive been concerned about her support as she is pushing him to actively fantasising, MO etc. She had never even seen the TED talk ?!!! I think he is planning to have it out with her again tomorrow about the value its bringing. I do believe its bringing some for sure, as hes learning about himself and spending that dedicated time.

    Hope you are all having a fab day.
    xx
     
  12. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for always being so positive!
     
  13. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    Well after my positive post....boy did the situ change.... I wanted to bring up with him why he was considering quitting his therapist & if so what next as well as talking more about M whilst in recovery......

    Before we got onto that though he made a flippant comment almost a little disgruntled that I can till use Insta but he couldn’t....so I quizzed him more of what that meant? He then admitted to trying to log in to it the day before but was blocked.....he wondered if I had closed his account...so no that isn’t the case. He deactivated his account on Xmas day after I had caught him viewing it for P Subs in desperation. IT TOTALLY ruined Xmas, then the eBay, Gumtree and Etsy were just more ways for him to crucify our holiday break. I was ruined by the end of it.

    So I didn’t take it away from him, but he knew what he needed to do. So it’s been 35 days, I think his guilt and shame is diminishing and his powers of assertiveness are growing. Why would he want or need or think its at all respectful to even suggest this option right now and so soon? I believe he thinks he has cracked it and wants to get back to some sort of normality.....but that takes time and your have to earn it.

    How can he forget how much pain and trauma he has inflicted on me after such a short space of time and start trying to push the boundaries of safety...grrrrrr soo frustrating. He kinda insinuated him not bring able log in was a control enforced by me.

    So back to the M debate. As I mentioned I did spend some time documenting some good ideas and arguments to help support his thinking to come up with a viable plan. I am wondering if he is starting to Gaslight me ...not excessively or forcefully yet but he’s started to deflect situations and use hyperthetical scenarios for debate.....he’s calling out my high libido as ‘O dependency’ and how is that different to his? He’s making me doubt myself. I said I would never choice M over him. Never! He’s upset that I panicked at day 30 when he casually mentioned he’s looking forward to M again....he said I took that enjoyment of reaching day 30 away from him :( this mad me sad as he took away my enjoyment from 40th, Xmas @ NYE from me. It’s not a competition but I feel a little ambushed by it all.

    I have had to try & place controls and boundaries & expectations to ensure he starts recovery otherwise we would both lose out in the end with splitting up. I’m terrified of this, terrified he will fail and also I will then have to endure so much more suffering. He talks about it all as in the past, 30 days is the past but it’s still the reality of what we are facing now and in the future. I don’t want to live in the past but he’s known about this addiction for 125 days and he is only 35 into being P&M free with intention to get back M in a normalised way in the future (+90).

    He’s upset because I said something that indicated I’ve read his blog, so now he said he’s starting a new one. He figures if I am reading it, he may be more guarded and write for my benefit. I am happy to let him make a new one as now I know he’s established and writing, albeit minimal and not much feeling really but I can’t control that...lol

    I have so much to be hopeful for, but yesterday is a reminder of how little we have travelled compared to where we need to be. I want to remain hopeful as he sounds quite convincing in a discussion, but I am just not sure he’s still majorly in denial about how deeply rooted his addiction is for him. I’m hoping with more time he may come to this realisation but who knows.....he’s always late to a party ha ha.

    I want to let go and let him fly. I do have confidence in many ways about him as he brings so much goodness and enthusiasm to everything in our world, but I’m scared his inability to recognise the grip it still holds so tight over him will draw him back in. How could I cope with that if he does?

    He’s upset I don’t Apologise enough or admit my shortcomings, I’m just so frustrated at times with him and his past behaviour I cannot always say it. I want to say sorry sometimes, but in the other I am in my head thinking,,,,,,welll you were not bloody sorry when you were enjoying pictures and videos of your EX!!!!!!! He’s never given me enough explanation on this...he just uses his addiction as the excuse.

    Sorry for my rant......I have a terrible head cold and my daughter was emotional this morning before school as she isn’t getting along with her teacher and my brothers coercive controlling ex is menacing......argghhhh

    Thankful Thursday.....I’m thankful for my job, my family, my friends, my love of my beautiful man & for my health.

    Xxxxxxxx
     
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2019
  14. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    It's concerning that he is so consumed with these thoughts to M again. This is an addiction of disconnection and his obsessive thoughts and overwhelming desire to play with himself as soon as he can - when he reaches that magic number - indicates that not looking to beat his addiction. He is looking to pacify you long enough to get back what he really wants. Alone time with himself. He does not want to learn to what it is that brought him to this addiction in the first place and deal with that within himself to heal. He does not want to learn how to truly connect with another human being. Right now he only wants to do what he has to do so that he can finally be alone to pleasure himself and leave you out of it. He wants no connection.

    Make no mistake, the things he is telling you is gaslighting and manipulation. He is trying to hold on to every little shred of his addiction while pretending to be in recovery. He's not in recovery. He's temporarily sober, a dry drunk, waiting for the day when he can go back to it.

    Hold your ground and be strong. This journey is exhausting.
     
  15. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Agreed. Very astute observations.
    Yes. Try not to doubt yourself. I know it can be hard.
     
  16. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    so tired of all this, thank you for your wise words xxxxx
     
  17. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    He says gaslighting is only when he indicates this problem came from me or I’m to blame but it’s more than that!!!! I know I’m not to blame
     
  18. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    I’m so frustrated as I get such great advice on here but it’s of no use as I cannot bring it up with him as he gets so agitated by it all.

    He journals on here but no one calls out his comments about M, so he is a law onto himself.

    I have said I would consider him M again after recovery and with control but way too early to consider. We have to be mindful that he goes away 28 days at a time. He said ‘what if I asked you not to MO for 2 weeks?’ I said fine, no problem I am not addicted, there is a difference and it never impacted our intimacy.

    The most bizarre thing is I used to encourage my DH to do it, to make sure we had longer times together but with my SO it was blatantly obvious he was overusing it.
     
  19. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    He says he just doesn’t want to set himself up to fail by committing to never M again, he thinks that’s majorly unrealistic and unachievable and he won’t want to fail. He wants to be P free but not M.

    I honestly believe him that he’s been free for 35 days, I’ve asked him many times and he assured me. However his blog when I read it said he woke up and wanted to see something provocative he just made sure it wasn’t porn.....so having insta will not help with these urges. I wasn’t supposed to know that as I wasn’t meant to read his blog. I am going to make sure I don’t look for it this time to keep my promise.

    GW I would give you his username but I’m scared of his reaction right now...... I did offer he read my blogs but he didn’t want to as he said it’s personal to me.

    Will see what he says from therapist today. I don’t think he’s being deliberately obtrusive I think it’s addicted brain trying to rationalise it all. As when he speaks it all makes perfect sense, but an addicts viscious cycle doesn’t always make sense.

    Please believe me when I say he is a beautify person he really is, he has just been alone the majority of his adult life so this new reality of accountability just even in his relationship and day to day is a big deal. That’s why it’s a slower journey, plus his emotional detachment that lead him to it gets in the way of him taking on board lots of this. Again FRUSTRATING!

    His AP is his BFF so whilst that’s nice, it’s not challenging other than make sure you journal. He doesn’t have time to eat, sleep and breathe it like me as he has his own family to support.
     
  20. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Dont give his username. If he's posting on NF, his journal will speak for himself. There's no reason for you to cause more ire from him at this point. If @GhostWriter wants to "call him out", he is quite capable of finding him on his own, especially with the amount of time he spends on these forums. Not a slam, just an observation.

    Some addicts really need some straight forward sense told to them, and GW may be the one that would be good to do it, but you dont need to give his username out. I do think that will make things worse for you.
     
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