"Should I stay or should I go ?" (Sex drive edition)

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Deleted Account, Jul 9, 2018.

After reading the first post, what do you recommand ?

  1. You should definitely stay with your wife

  2. I think you should stay, but you should wait until you are cured of all PMO

  3. I need more information in order to form an opinion

  4. I think you should leave, but you should wait until you are cured of all PMO

  5. You should not stay with her

Results are only viewable after voting.
  1. Hi,

    For years now, I'm asking the same question almost every day : should I stay with my wife or not ?

    (I'm not asking any of you to decide for me, I'm just asking you to ask me the question that you consider relevant, in order to help see this matter more clearly.)

    My wife and do not have the same sex drive. I know it's a recurring theme in couples. But I drives me crazy, to the point where I don't even know if my questioning is fully porn-induced or if it's a deal-breaker.

    We are very stable, we have a house together, and except the sex-drive difference, there are not a lot of big issues in our couple. We listen to each other, we talk a lot, we don't have any taboo and she's fully aware of my addiction.

    I know I could have sex every day, and can settle for once every two, maybe three, days. Her rhythm is more 1 to 4 times a month. But I don't know if my sex drive is my "real sex drive" or if it's a "porn-influenced sex drive". I have no meaning to know because porn was a part of my life long before my first sexual relation.

    So for now I wait to see how see question evolve as my NoFap challenge evolves (Full Hard Mode for at least a year). I'm hoping to discover that my natural sex drive in closer to hers, because I don't want to restart my life with someone else. And there is no someone else. And I love her. But I also know that I'm deeply in pain about this difference between us, and that the fact that this is a recurring question saddens me a lot and drags me down.

    I fear to discover that my sex drive is indeed much higher than hers and that I'll be suffering for the rest of my life, should I decide to stay with her.

    Fill free to ask any question and to express your opinion freely.
    Bobske likes this.

    STAR DUST Fapstronaut

    Check out some tnntra, and pro sexual sex coach sessions with your wife.

    Cupids Poison Arrow is a worthy read.

    Good Luck. Don't leave your wife.

    I would say have conversation.
  3. For everything in a partnership there's one who wants more and one who wants less, especially when it comes to the question of how often to have sex. I've listened to a podcast about this. The conclusion was, that always the one who wants less "wins". But this needs not to be a problem, if you are able to accept this difference.
    I think, also out of my own very similar experience, you are on the right track here with your reboot in order to solve this. But I think that it's not desirable to reduce your sex drive, what a pity, it would be wasted. It's more about to better control it and learn how to use your sexual energy for other, positive things in life. That's not easy, it's a long process of learning, but there's much support here, maybe you'll take a look at the sexual transmutation subforum.

    If I am allowed to give you an advice: Definitively stay with your wife.
  4. Great podcast. Thank you very much for the link.
  5. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    I think you should be talking to your wife about this.
  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I agree with this.^^

    True libido takes over a year to begin to return.
    That's if you don't relapse.
    I would also consider taking this into account... But it's a conversation for you and your wife.
    Not you and the forum.
    Good luck!
  7. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    It’s quite possible your thoughts are porn induced. I know for while under the fog of PA, I was always disconnected from my wife and had one foot out the door. I was always ready and willing and seek out ways to fulfill my P fantasies or to look elsewhere to satiate my addiction.

    While it is easy enough to blame an SO for a lack of sex drive, it takes some serious introspection to realize a PA is reinforcing the high sex drive ”need”. The reality is we’ve trained our brains to need the constant release of dopamine through P abuse and M to O. I didn’t think it was possible in the beginning of my recovery to go a few days, let alone a week. After a successful reboot, I can say my “need” for sex isn’t really there. There is a need for intimacy, and that doesn’t have to be defined as sex. My sex drive settled out to a more realistic level of once a week or so, literally on par with what your wife is.
    Until you can reboot successfully and make the necessary changes in your life to stay PMO free, I don’t think you can actually know what your real sex drive is. On top of that, your wife can probably feel the disconnection in your sex or intimacy, she probably knows you aren’t present during sex, and it negatively affects her sex drive or need to be intimate with you.

    Take the time and diligence to get yourself clean, and focus on having vulnerable intimate moments with your wife. Be present, be connected, and concentrate on appreciating her and loving her to bring you both closer together, rather than as a release or tool to feed your addiction.
  8. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    I second what @Kenzi said.

    When I met my husband I was under the impression we had the same sex drive (mine is daily/every other day) and once he stopped PMO and stopped for a while his drive was much less. It's been over 2 years since he stopped and I think his natural drive is finally here. He wants it less than I do still but it's not a problem if we are talking, having other types of intimacy.

    As the higher sex-drived person I know how frustrating it can be to be wanted/desired/ to have intimacy and have the other person reject you/be not interested/not desiring you.... it can really hurt. But communication is key. I've talked to my husband countless times about sex drive and we have found an agreeable amount for each of us. Of course, with life circumstances sex isn't always the biggest priority (we have a 7 month old, so sex doesn't always happen as much as I'd like it to, but that's not my husbands fault, it's just that we have a baby and babies needs are priority).

    Talk with your wife. I don't know your personal circumstances, but if your wife was deeply hurt by your porn addiction that could be the decrease in sex drive. For me there was a period that I just didn't want him to touch me let alone have sex with me. So I would talk, openly and non-judgmentally. Come from a place of wanting to understand. See if there are things that could enhance her sexual mood like more foreplay, more romance, etc.

    Don't leave her. I see your counter says only 2 days, and as Kenzi said, it takes about a year to get your natural sex drive back. My husband originally thought he had a high sex drive (which wasn't a problem because I still had the higher drive), but once he realized his drive wasn't high he was shocked and confused and it took time to get used to that. He always thought he had a high sex drive because he would get off 2-3x/day but in reality he just had a high drive to escape problems, had nothing to do with sex. I think my husband doesn't even think of sex on a daily basis. I think about it 5+ times a day. So there is a big gap between us, but it's possible to work things out with communication and compromise.
  9. Talking is the first thing. It is essential. I did not point this out in my previous post.
    Deleted Account likes this.

    STAR DUST Fapstronaut

    Deleted Account likes this.
  11. suntannedsailor

    suntannedsailor Fapstronaut

    Wow, I have the exact same problem! Wrote about it extensively in my journal this morning. It is so hard to imagine and let alone admit that my sex drive isn’t real! I guess the difference between “drive” and “addiction” can be that in addiction, if I don’t get the drug, tension builds up and I get irritared. Let´s share more experience as we go along. I have new hope now. Let´s not leave our wifes just yet! :)
  12. suntannedsailor

    suntannedsailor Fapstronaut

    I listened to it and it is amazing how spot on this is. Steve, the patient in the podcast, is experiencing not only the same situation (i.e. not having sex enough) but there the same mental and behavior patterns and the same kind of misunderstanding between him and his wife about what sex is. I think, we men, have a great task here, to BREAK THE MYTH that sex for us is just something mechanical where we "stick it into something juicy to ejaculate as fast as we can". For me at least, it is the highest form of giving love and connecting to the other person, becoming one. A female orgasm is the most rewarding and beautiful thing I know. That's why masturbation pales against sex with a loved one. That's why going to a brothel SUCKS EVERY TIME. I want sex to last long and have various forms and be warm. And I don't think I am a feminine type of guy. I think in our masculine society we are presented with "macho ideal" and supposed to show off with how many we "banged" and keep the score as high as possible, otherwise we are not alpha enough. And yet...all we all want is a human connection....but our behavior, ironically, leads to the total destruction of the connection! Would love to hear from others on that topic.
  13. Thanks for your answer. I'll be looking into this book. I ordered the great books "for men only" and "for women only" by Shaunti Fledhahn. Amazing read. We're both reading then.

    About having a conversation, we already had hundreds of them along the years. Ultimately, she just says that she doesn't me to feel frustrated. She is aware that we have very different sex drive. She doesn't understand how anyone can be "passionate about sex". Her already small sex drive is diminishing to the point of being inexistent. She says she doesn't really know what to say or do to help.
  14. Thank you very much for your answer. You're right, she is on the "winning" side because she doesn't suffer from sexual frustration. Although she's fully aware that I suffer from it and try to do what she can to help.

    I'll be looking into the subforum, thank you for the suggestion. I've also noticed that trying to reduce my sex drive is not the way. It creates an inner time-bomb and the consequences are worst (great tension, anger bursts, unable to focus at work, etc.). Redirecting the sexual energy is a better way. I'm trying to transform it into creative energy, I'm drawing daily, I'm doing half an hour of yoga daily, I'm meditating for 15 minutes daily. It's not over but I feel I'm getting better, little by little.

    When she tries to help, I often feel a rush of hate and contempt towards her. It's automatic and I'm ashamed of it. I think my brain is comparing what she does to the thousands of porn images in my brain and judges her "not good enough" compare to the porn standards.
  15. I did, a great number of times. Nothing has really changed. A lot has been talked about, and I feel that she understands more. The great frustration is still here, maybe less often and less powerful.
  16. Is it a year without PMO including O with my wife or not ? I'm currently 8 days PMO-free. (ashamed again)

    You're right, it's not a conversation for a forum, it should be between my wife and I, and maybe a therapist of some kind. We are going in that direction. But it is costly, so it's only once a month, and in needed to have some feedback on this question. Am i alone with the nagging bothering permanent questioning ? Is it a "porn-addict thing" ? Is it a deeper question, like a compatibility question, or maybe somewhat of a toxic relationship ?

    Has I said in my first post, I'm not asking anyone to solve my relationship, but I'm searching for opinion and feedbacks on the matter.
  17. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

    Just a quick reminder of reality: leaving your wife will not make an unending rotation of women that meet all of your preferences, physically and in terms of how they behave in the bedroom, suddenly start propositioning you for sex three times a day. The alternative to loving monogomy is nothing like the fantasy you have cobbled together through watching porn. It consists of starting again at rebuilding the sort of loving relationship with a new person, or in having the freedom to be alone with your bad habit. Most women consider porn use a betrayal. Those same women consider sex with people outside of the relationship a betrayal. And no one woman will ever embody all of your preferences. Your preferences when browsing likely change. No woman is waiting for the man who wants them to play a fleeting role in living out the lifestyle of sleeping around, acting out the behaviours they saw in porn of escalating extremity, then moving on as soon as they orgasm.

    Your relationship is (more likely than not) a much better dource of happiness, fulfilment and purpose than madturbating to pixels can ever be. Porn creates its own mythology, making it look like a man can have as many women as he wants, in any way he wants, and that the women will all be eternally grateful and enthusiastic at the chance to play a small role in servicing that man's fantasies. It is all a lie. A fiction. A damaging illusion that can only be witnessed in porn and can be experienced in no reality.

    The choice is not between your wife or all other women. The choice is between the woman who loves you, or the pursuit of something that cannot exist. It is a choice between being with your wife or being alone.
    Susannah, K423 and Deleted Account like this.

  18. Waow, thank you for your amazing and well-written answer ! :):):)

    I'm relieved to read that I'm not alone in this whirlpool-like questioning ! Thanks a lot for what you shared !

    I know it's not fair to blame her for her lack of sex drive. I'm fully aware of the fact that my addiction reflects badly on my sex life with her. I try to be the most gentle partner, I focus almost exclusively on her pleasure, to a point that I'm resenting her of not doing the same amount of effort towards me. And I know how unfair and ridiculous that sounds, but I'm aware of this and can't seem to find the way to just be grateful for the sex that we're having.

    For years I've focused only on her pleasure, and I didn't feel she put any effort in it. I feel like I've done "all the work" while she just laid there, relaxing under my massages and caresses. I feel unloved and unfulfilled. I know she loves me, but I don't feel it. It's cold inside.
    Now, she is trying something "new" : when we are in bed and I'm excited, she is less reluctant as usual, but she seems to be absent from the relationship. It's an horrible and dark feeling. Before, she said yes maybe 1 out of 20 times, but she fully enjoyed it (although I did not completely, because we were both focused on her pleasure). Now, she thinks she focuses on my pleasure by "just" saying yes more often, but it feels like she is completely absent, no orgasm, no noise, no movement or any sign of enjoyment whatsoever. I have less tension, but the sex is absolutely horrible. I don't want a sex doll, it's creepy as fuck...
    Bobske likes this.
  19. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

    By watching porn so much, you have desensitized yourself to all of the things she does specifically for your pleasure. By seeking out your own pleasure through porn, secretively, you have chosen to go elsewhere when lookig for whatever 'more' you thought you required. That little bit 'more' you think you need had been getting more and more extreme and demanding the more you have watched P. Failing to engage in the sort of sex acts that people are paid to engage in on camera is not a failure to attend to your pleasure. If you have always taken the lead in bed (by focusing on her pleasure, as you put it) then what is to indicate to your wife that that isn't your preference? The way that you most like things to go? If you chose to google something rather than suggest it in person, then how is she supposed to know what you want?

    A word of advice: a lot of the things that you want from your wife are unreasonable. Before seeing it in porn you didn't know what some of it was, and you had no interest in it.

    Another bit of advice: her pleasure depends on your own enjoyment and enthusiasm. Just as you have felt awful when your wife has felt pressured or coerced i to sleeping with you, showing no enjoyment or enthusiasm, she likely sensed a disconnect if you were conjuring up porn imagery in your mind as you have sex. You might think the sex was all about her, but if you were just resenting the fact that the sex was too 'vanilla' the whole time, how can you expect to blow her mind? And the more you do blow her mind, the more sex you will have. The more she will want, and the more your advances will be accepted, and the more she will proposition you.

    Try to be present in the moment, and to be communicative, when you are having sex. Enjoy the parts of your wife that you can see and touch, enjoy the sensations of the motions and movements that you are engaged in. Don't let your mind wander to what you would rather be doing. Communicate your enjoyment, communicate your pleasure. If you are concerned your wife is not enjoying herself, communicate, but frame it positively: "how do you want me to touch you?" Is better than "well, this clearly isn't working". Be patient, be kind, and be willing to do what she wants you to do, in the way that she wants you to do it, for as long as it takes. Most women take longer than men to reach orgasm. They also need to be in the right emotional frame of mind. Your P use and betrayal is probably the reason why your wife is engaging in sex with you more often (fear of you choosing it over her if she denies you) and the reason why she isn't able to enjoy it as much (preoccupied with thoughts of you using P that will make her feel distracted at the very least, but also quite possibly like a worthless sack of shit and so very angry).

    Time. Give it time. Be willing to wait. Wait for her to be ready for sex. Wait for her to be capable of enjoying sex more fully. Wait for her to catch up with you and have the patience to stimulate her for as long as she needs to give her the pleasure she needs. Wait for her to forgive and forget. Wait for your recovery to begin. Wait for your unreasonable expectations in the bedroom to lessen. Wait for your capacity to be present in the moment and to appreciate the moment to come back.

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