Social anxiety - Exposure therapy - My experience

Experiment1996

Fapstronaut
Lately I'm mostly outside in the city, because the sun is shining again.

I walk every day for about 1 hour. I watch people eating, drinking, walking, talking, chatting, laughing, etc.

I look almost every person in the face. Sometimes I am at the train station at a special place where a lot of people pass through. I look almost every person in the face. I spend my time there. This also helps me against anhedonia. I see new faces, new clothes and in general I don't know what faces I will see. I have no problem with that. No anxiety. Everything is ok. I just don't feel any emotions about it. It helps with anhedonia maybe because of curiosity/novelty, but still no emotions.

I have tried exposure therapy:

Case 1: I was on a bus full of people. It was very quiet in the bus. Nobody was talking. I called a friend and tried to start a conversation. When I started talking, I suddenly started sweating. It was like I had something in my throat and I couldn't speak clearly. I lost my focus. I couldn't concentrate anymore. I couldn't hear what my friend was saying to me on the phone anymore. I tried to end the conversation on the phone as quickly as possible.

If I had had this phone conversation in a place where no one could hear me, I could have said what I wanted. This would never have happened to me. I feel "free and relaxed" when I can talk to a friend and no one else can hear me.

Case 2: I was in a park, sitting on a bench. There are many people walking around there. I called a "friend" on the phone and had a conversation with him. Everything was OK as long as no one heard me. Then an older man sat down next to me on the bench. Thus, he could hear everything I was saying to my friend on the phone. Suddenly I can't speak freely anymore. I feel tight. Like something is in my throat. I don't really have focus anymore and I can't concentrate.

When I left that bench and no one could hear me anymore, I felt very free again and I could speak as I wanted again. I could say what I wanted. I was not inhibited.

Case 3: I was on a bus full of people and someone called me and I picked up. I had exactly the same problem as before.

Case 4: I was on a train and there was a beautiful woman in front of me. She sat on the right side and I on the left side. We were only half a meter away from each other. I had no problem looking left and straight ahead to observe what was happening on the train or outside, but I tried to look to the right side where this woman was, but I felt so uncomfortable. I was thinking all the time what the woman thinks of me and that it doesn't seem like I'm looking at her because I turn my head in her direction.

General: Every time the attention is on me, I have social anxiety. I then notice the symptoms. I can sometimes speak only partially or not at all because of it. I realize that there is no reason at all to have social anxiety. I realize that every person takes care of themselves and nobody cares who you are. Nobody is watching you on the train, bus or anywhere else. Nobody is thinking about you. But do I have these triggers and it makes no sense at all.

Some might even say that social anxiety feels like paranoia.
 
I can relate to when you said you realize that there is no reason to have social anxiety but you have it anyway. I think it's purely a result of your brain chemistry rather than your own thoughts / views. In my case, I had low self esteem during puberty and I think combined with years of excessive PMO this changed my brain chemistry. I have definitely noticed major improvements when I go on long streaks though.
 
Hello my friend,

while i was reading your text i got flashbacks. I saw me sitting in the bus and train and park as you described. I can relate 100 %.
I was diagnosed with social anxiety 7 years ago. Since them i took 3 psychotherapy which helped only to a certain extend.

The problem with social anxiety is it is my character and personality.
There is a deep rooted belief in me: i believe i am an outsider in this society. There must be something wrong with me. I am not like other people, i am not the same, i am most of the time wrong.
I have very high demands on myself. I am not allowed to make mistakes, i have to work perfectly and i feel miserable if i have to admit mistakes. I am a perfectionist on myself.
Of course i have a low self esteem. My antenna is very sensitive to comments on me. I feel hurt sometimes, even if people make harmless jokes. My antenna reacts immediately to mistakes i make. I feel like there is a third eye watching my from above watching every move i make and every word i say, just to condemn me. But it happens only in my head, not only one person in my environment want to condemn me. But this voice does it EVERY FUCKING Minute.

My Friend, my mother was sick and she died young. She diagnosed with schizophrenia. So i took her heritage and i am fucking cursed.

What i want to say is, there are reasons why you are thinking like that. Your Character and personality is like that. You can't change your personality my friend.
There are reasons you think like you described. It is about the time you grow up. It was the time your character and these foul patterns established.
Think about the time you growing up. Did your parents care about you?

On my experiences i can give you an advice: Don't condemn yourself about who you are. It was not your fault. PMO is not the source of your problems with sexuality. It is your social anxiety and low self esteem which is fucking rootet in you.

And you have to do psychotherapy. Furthermore do everything you can change. you cant change your personality, but you can live with it. So try everything to stay in shape mentaly. That means do sports, good nutrition, both have effects on your mental health. With sports i mean combination of Strength and Cardio Training
 
Hello my friend,

while i was reading your text i got flashbacks. I saw me sitting in the bus and train and park as you described. I can relate 100 %.
I was diagnosed with social anxiety 7 years ago. Since them i took 3 psychotherapy which helped only to a certain extend.

The problem with social anxiety is it is my character and personality.
There is a deep rooted belief in me: i believe i am an outsider in this society. There must be something wrong with me. I am not like other people, i am not the same, i am most of the time wrong.
I have very high demands on myself. I am not allowed to make mistakes, i have to work perfectly and i feel miserable if i have to admit mistakes. I am a perfectionist on myself.
Of course i have a low self esteem. My antenna is very sensitive to comments on me. I feel hurt sometimes, even if people make harmless jokes. My antenna reacts immediately to mistakes i make. I feel like there is a third eye watching my from above watching every move i make and every word i say, just to condemn me. But it happens only in my head, not only one person in my environment want to condemn me. But this voice does it EVERY FUCKING Minute.

My Friend, my mother was sick and she died young. She diagnosed with schizophrenia. So i took her heritage and i am fucking cursed.

What i want to say is, there are reasons why you are thinking like that. Your Character and personality is like that. You can't change your personality my friend.
There are reasons you think like you described. It is about the time you grow up. It was the time your character and these foul patterns established.
Think about the time you growing up. Did your parents care about you?

On my experiences i can give you an advice: Don't condemn yourself about who you are. It was not your fault. PMO is not the source of your problems with sexuality. It is your social anxiety and low self esteem which is fucking rootet in you.

And you have to do psychotherapy. Furthermore do everything you can change. you cant change your personality, but you can live with it. So try everything to stay in shape mentaly. That means do sports, good nutrition, both have effects on your mental health. With sports i mean combination of Strength and Cardio Training

Aus deinem Text verstehe ich, dass du wirklich sehr viel durchgemacht hast. Ich erkenne mich in vielen Sachen wieder. No my parents didn't care about me...
Bin aus der Schweiz und habe gesehen, dass du aus Deutschland bist. Deswegen schreibe ich auf Deutsch. Ich hoffe du kannst Deutsch sprechen ;)

Gruss ;)
 
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