Social anxiety - Exposure therapy - My experience

Lately I'm mostly outside in the city, because the sun is shining again.

I walk every day for about 1 hour. I watch people eating, drinking, walking, talking, chatting, laughing, etc.

I look almost every person in the face. Sometimes I am at the train station at a special place where a lot of people pass through. I look almost every person in the face. I spend my time there. This also helps me against anhedonia. I see new faces, new clothes and in general I don't know what faces I will see. I have no problem with that. No anxiety. Everything is ok. I just don't feel any emotions about it. It helps with anhedonia maybe because of curiosity/novelty, but still no emotions.

I have tried exposure therapy:

Case 1: I was on a bus full of people. It was very quiet in the bus. Nobody was talking. I called a friend and tried to start a conversation. When I started talking, I suddenly started sweating. It was like I had something in my throat and I couldn't speak clearly. I lost my focus. I couldn't concentrate anymore. I couldn't hear what my friend was saying to me on the phone anymore. I tried to end the conversation on the phone as quickly as possible.

If I had had this phone conversation in a place where no one could hear me, I could have said what I wanted. This would never have happened to me. I feel "free and relaxed" when I can talk to a friend and no one else can hear me.

Case 2: I was in a park, sitting on a bench. There are many people walking around there. I called a "friend" on the phone and had a conversation with him. Everything was OK as long as no one heard me. Then an older man sat down next to me on the bench. Thus, he could hear everything I was saying to my friend on the phone. Suddenly I can't speak freely anymore. I feel tight. Like something is in my throat. I don't really have focus anymore and I can't concentrate.

When I left that bench and no one could hear me anymore, I felt very free again and I could speak as I wanted again. I could say what I wanted. I was not inhibited.

Case 3: I was on a bus full of people and someone called me and I picked up. I had exactly the same problem as before.

Case 4: I was on a train and there was a beautiful woman in front of me. She sat on the right side and I on the left side. We were only half a meter away from each other. I had no problem looking left and straight ahead to observe what was happening on the train or outside, but I tried to look to the right side where this woman was, but I felt so uncomfortable. I was thinking all the time what the woman thinks of me and that it doesn't seem like I'm looking at her because I turn my head in her direction.

General: Every time the attention is on me, I have social anxiety. I then notice the symptoms. I can sometimes speak only partially or not at all because of it. I realize that there is no reason at all to have social anxiety. I realize that every person takes care of themselves and nobody cares who you are. Nobody is watching you on the train, bus or anywhere else. Nobody is thinking about you. But do I have these triggers and it makes no sense at all.

Some might even say that social anxiety feels like paranoia.

 

Aus deinem Text verstehe ich, dass du wirklich sehr viel durchgemacht hast. Ich erkenne mich in vielen Sachen wieder. No my parents didn't care about me...
Bin aus der Schweiz und habe gesehen, dass du aus Deutschland bist. Deswegen schreibe ich auf Deutsch. Ich hoffe du kannst Deutsch sprechen

Gruss